The beach was bright and I wondered if the sun would shine all day today. I hoped so. It wasn't that I hated the rain, it was that I enjoyed the freedom the sun gave me. I could go out into the sun while my family couldn't. I was free from their watching eyes. My whole family was protective of me, though there was no more danger plaguing us anymore. I knew they were only like this because they love me, and I couldn't be angry at them for that, but sometimes my family was suffocating and I needed to breathe. Jacob helped me breathe, I loved him for that.
"What are you thinking about?" I felt his hot breath against the back of my neck, I shivered. Jacob laughed and wrapped his long arms around my waist. I gazed at the ocean waves, the reflection of the sun's rays winked at me. I rested my head against Jake's chest and smiled, closing my eyes.
"Nothing." I whispered, I could've stayed like this forever, in his arms. It was the only place I wanted to be. I was vaguely aware of my sundress whipping against my sandy legs in the wind. As I looked out at the blue water, I felt like I was flying. It was almost unreal.
"Have you ever thought of flying?" I asked as I rested my hands on the hot skin of his arms. I looked up backwards into his face. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead before he answered.
"Like a bird?" I shook my head. Looking back at the water again.
"No, just flying in general." Jake chuckled. I looked up at him again, patiently waiting for an answer.
"You sound unusually cliché today. What on earth is that coven feeding you?" I laughed with him. My question did sound cliché, but I wanted to know. Flying sounded wonderful to me. Not being the center of attention for once and looking on from above. I decided then and there that if I should ever have a second chance at life if I ever died, than I would become a bird.
"I'm serious, have you ever just wanted to fly away? Not have everyone gawk at you like a freak and look on from above unnoticed?"
"People gawk at me?" He raised his thick eyebrows contemplating this. I giggled.
"Forget I said anything, it's stupid." I shook my head. We stood on the sand on silence. I looked down at our bare feet. Feeling the wind on my face, I imagined that we were both flying together. He was silent for a moment.
"Yeah, I've thought of it once or twice when I was a little kid. Maybe when my mom died." I turned around in his arms to give him a full hug. I seemed to take him off guard. He stroked my hair.
"Don't ever fly away from me, I couldn't bear it, I love you too much." he whispered in my ear. I looked into his eyes and wished that he would kiss me right then and there.
"I'd never fly away from you."
When Nahuel finally came home I was half asleep on the floor next to the couch and it was late in the morning. I looked at him through weary eyes as he leaned over me. His voice was so loud in my ears, but I was too weak to cover them. I didn't have enough energy to push him away as he tried to help me up. My body was just dead weight but when I was standing upright, I could just barely support myself. Nahuel face was so horribly blank. He showed no emotion as I clutched at him and the couch arm for support.
"Where were you?" I demanded. Though, I sounded a little bit too retarded for my liking, at least my voice was loud. Nahuel's strong arms tightened around me as I tried to walk away from him. I tripped over my own feet and fell hard against the corner of the coffee table. I almost wanted to giggle at the pain, instead, I heard myself saying something incoherent.
"I thought I should go for a hunt after work." He said, I clamped my hands over my ears and wrinkled my nose, his voice was like a blow horn!
"You didn't…you didn't even caaaaaaalllll me!" I wailed. God, I sounded so stupid, so pathetic. No wonder he isn't home anymore. I tried to pull away from my husband but he had a tight grip on my arm. I felt like a baby bird with a broken wing. I pulled and pulled like a game of tug war. I stumbled into Nahuel in my struggles and he roughly scooped my up into his arms.
"Put me down!" I screeched over and over again. My legs flailed as I tried to punch him wherever I could, my blow didn't faze him as he carried me up the creaky stairs and into our bedroom.
"Stop hitting me, please." Nahuel said, his voice hard, emotionless still. I felt a painful lump rise in my throat. I continued to hit him until he dropped me non too gently onto our bed. My stomach lurched and flipped over. I felt so nauseas.
"Have you been drinking again?" Nahuel paced back and forth around the room as if he were thinking of ways to punish me. He reminded me of my father on my sixteenth birthday when he caught me smoking marijuana (for the first and last time) in the tool shed behind our house. Looking back, even now, I realize how fucked up I really am. I started to giggle, God, I was so shitfaced. Everything I did and said seemed so logical when I went over it in my head, but it all seemed to make me look like an idiot.
"Isn't it kind of obvious?" I laughed, my words sounded cruel. Nahuel's face changed and he looked alarmed. Something in me wanted to go to him and tell him that I'd be okay, but a much bigger part of me wanted to show him how much I needed his help.
"You've never gotten this bad before." he mumbled more to himself than to me. Of course, Nahuel has never seen me at my worst before. Bella and Edward just barely managed to get me back onto my feet before Nahuel came into my life. I felt like I would throw up again as I thought of my parents. I loved them so much and whenever I told them so it never seemed enough. I didn't deserve them. They should've had a daughter that was good and pure just like them.
"I miss you." I blurted out without thinking. Nahuel's eyes looked me over warily. He shook his head, his handsome face look pained.
"No, you don't." he replied grimly. I cocked my head to the side looked at him and tried to be as serious as possible.
"Yes, I do!" I said loudly. I tumbled off of the bed and practically ran to his side. I clucked at his arm impatiently.
"I miss you so much!" I said, my eyebrows knitted together. I stood on my tip toes and whispered into his ear, my hot breath on his neck.
"I want you." I wrapped my awkward arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. I missed the warmth of his body, his hard chest.
"You don't want me." He said, his voice emptied of it's usual energy and passion when he talked to me. I pulled away, my eyes unfocused.
"I want you." I repeated. He shook his head and a small smile appeared on his lips. A sad smile that almost always appeared when he was doing something he didn't want to.
"I want you." I said again.
"You don't know what you want anymore." He replied bleakly
"I want you!" I shouted. I wanted to throw things and stamp my feet like a five year old having a temper tantrum. I stood in front of him, my stomach in knots from too much alcohol and anxiety. That damn smile! He shook his head.
"I love you! I want you!" I said over and over again, as if to convince myself.
"I know when a women is thinking of another man." Nahuel whispered. I looked at him in shock. He looked almost guilty. My eyes filled with unwanted tears.
"I know you think of him all the time, when we sit down to dinner, when we watch the television. Even when we make love you think of him! How am I supposed to compete with a man that has been dead for more than twenty years?" I closed my eyes and Jacob's smiling face appeared in my mind's eye.
"For years I've tried to convince myself that you'd get over his death and want to be with me, but now I know that day will never come." I covered my face with shaking hands and started to cry, I knew what he was going to say next.
"Nahuel, please, I love you so much! Don't do this, please."
"You may love me, Nessa, but not as much as you love Jacob Black."
"Stay with me." I whispered, going to him and wrapping my arms around his waist.
"We can work this out! I'll change, I can change!" I sobbed helplessly into his jacket.
"Nine months ago, when we went to visit my aunt, I ran into my father while I went hunting. It was then that he introduced me to her." I pulled away from him again and I looked up into his face with disgust. Then, realization hit me and I wanted to kill myself for not seeing it before. The extra aftershave he put on every morning, how nice he had been dressing everyday. He hadn't been working late and going on unexpected hunting trips. He had been seeing another women.
"Shortly after we came home from the trip, I learned that she had followed us and she approached me after work one afternoon. I have been seeing her everyday after that," My breathing became ragged and IU backed away from him, my hands trembled so bad. I backed up into my hope chest at the end of our canopy bed and I fell onto it in shock. Nahuel looked me over warily.
"Who is she?" I asked, my voice was horse. I knew that I'd throw up any second, my head pounded. Depression washed over me again and I felt that there was no way out. The walls closed in on me, I was feeling claustrophobic.
"Her name is Katrina and she is half human and half vampire like me and you. My father met Katrina when he heard another, ah…scientist, like himself, was mating with human women. Katrina reached maturity about 3 years ago." I let out a shuttering breath. He was seeing a child! Just a stupid little girl. I wanted to die right then and there.
"You're leaving me for a child." I said softly. Nahuel didn't reply, he walked toward me. That damn smile was all over his handsome face, he reached out to touch my face.
"I know a part of me will always care for you, Renesemee." he said, caressing my cheek. I slapped his hand away, my hands still shook so it looked less impressive.
"Leave." I said hoarsely. Nahuel leaned down to kiss me on the forehead, I let him. Breathing in his scent for the last time. As Nahuel turned away from me to walk away, I said one last thing.
"You will never know just how much I needed you, how much I really love you." Nahuel stopped walking, his back was to me.
"The divorce papers are on the kitchen table, all you need to do is sign your name." He walked away from me then, hot tears rolled down my face. It wasn't until I heard his car drive away from the house that I started to sob. I cried openly until my whole body hurt, my stomach lurched one last time and I vomited all over the carpet.