By Flossy

DISCLAIMER: The following story is a work of fan fiction, and as such is for fan enjoyment only. All recognizable characters/settings are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is made. I'm afraid that despite wishing that I did, I don't own these characters. I've just borrowed them for a while. (Although, I may hang onto McKay and Sheppard for a bit longer – they're a lot of fun…)

SUMMARY: Some days are just too bizarre, even for the Atlantis posse…

Central Character(s): Team Sheppard with Carson.

Category (ies): Friendship, humour.

Placement: Season One

Rating: PG again for mild language.

Spoilers: Nope.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is placed in the first half of Season One, somewhere after 'Home', but before 'Underground'. I'm blaming this on lack of sleep and far too much beer. 'Your Honour, my client pleads temporary insanity…'


Major John Sheppard stealthily made his way along the darkened corridor. He checked his life-signs detector and saw that his targets were well spaced. All he had to do was take his time, remember the plan and everything would be okay. Hearing a noise, he flattened himself against the wall, holding his breath as two of his sergeants whizzed past him. That was just great. Talk about complicating the situation! The last thing he needed right now was the night duty marines to get in the way.

Chancing another look at his Ancient doohickey, he noticed with a degree of relief that the two men were heading away from his targets. Okay, this was better.

Stowing the device away again, the Major resumed his creeping. He let his mind flick back to earlier that day – everything had been pretty normal. McKay had been wittering on about some Ancient device he'd found, Teyla had just returned from a trip to the mainland and he and Ford had been investigating what they thought was an armoury.

It had actually turned out to be a rather posh bathroom, but the two soldiers figured that as long as McKay didn't find out, it wouldn't be a problem.

So, pretty much your average working day on Atlantis. Until that evening, when all hell had broken loose…

Shaking his head in an attempt to concentrate, he refocused his attentions on the plan. Divide and conquer. That was his main strategy. It had always seemed to work well in the past. Don't let the bastards get a foothold and whatever happens, do NOT let them get to the Gate room…

Nearing the doorway to McKay's lab, he crouched down and cautiously held up his hand to activate the sensor. With a familiar swish, the door opened and Sheppard rolled into the room. It was dark but he knew that his target was in here. Taking a quick peek at the life signs detector, he crawled along the floor, silently edging his way closer. Thankful that he'd been in Black Ops, he scuttled under the Canadian's workbench. His target was getting nearer…

With lightening quick reflexes, he sprang up and let rip. His target gave a short cry of alarm then fell to the floor motionless.

'Gotcha,' Sheppard hissed. With a bit of luck, Elizabeth had been able to stay clear of the situation. At least, John hoped she had. The last thing he wanted was for her to get caught up in the crossfire.

One down, two to go…


The Major pelted along the hallway, coming to a dead stop in front of the jumper bay doors. Checking that his surroundings were clear, he opened the doors and ran inside, tucking himself out of sight behind one of the ship's fuselages. Target number two was close…

Sheppard closed his eyes for a moment, listening to the soft footfalls coming from behind him. Any moment now…

He whipped around from behind the jumper and surprised his target. A brief scuffle later and the figure was lying on the floor.

One more and it was all over.


The Commissary was empty and that surprised Sheppard. It was almost creepy with no one about. He knew that his final target was in here. He crawled along the floor, making next to no noise at all. Element of surprise and all that…

Suddenly, he caught a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to see his target racing away. Springing to his feet he began to give chase. Damn they were quick!

Not as fast as him, though. Overtaking the running figure, he slammed his hand over the door panel, sealing the room shut. He approached his target warily, taking care not to make any sudden moves. The figure tensed and then rushed at him, knocking him to the floor. Winded, he struggled up and grabbed hold of a leg, bringing his target down with a crash. 'Not so quick now, are you?' he asked, grinning.

But he'd let his guard down. The target brought their legs up, winding him, then rolled around and got to their feet. Before he had a chance to react, he felt a heavy blow to the back of his neck.

And then Major Sheppard's world went black.



Carson Beckett was pacing up and down in front of Team Sheppard. They were all sat on beds, looking battered, bruised and more than a bit sheepish.

'YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUSLY INJURED!' Carson yelled at them. 'NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT WAS A BLOODY STUPID THING TO GO RUNNING AROUND IN THE DARK IN THE FIRST PLACE!' Behind him, one of his nurses quickly scuttled away, alarmed at the sheer fury that was radiating from her boss.

McKay winced as he adjusted the icepack on his head. 'Uh, Carson…' he began, but quickly shut up as the normally calm and pleasant Scotsman wheeled around with a murderous glint in his eyes.

'So,' the doctor said, after taking a few minutes to compose himself. 'Would one of you like to explain why I have the four of you in my infirmary suffering from cuts, bruises and varying degrees of concussion?' He glowered at them all. 'Anyone? Take your time, I'm not going anywhere.'

'Uh…' began Ford. He quickly shut up as Sheppard and McKay shot him a warning look.

'Okay, if you won't co-operate, I have ways of making you talk,' Carson said, with an evil grin.

'You can't do that!' squeaked McKay. 'What about the Hippocratic Oath?'

'Hippocratic Oath be damned! You aren't the only ones who are good at playing silly buggers. Now talk or I'll get the needles. The BIG ones.' He glowered at them for a moment, narrowing his eyes. 'And don't think you can fob me off with some cock and bull story about military manoeuvres. I may be tired, but I wasn't born yesterday.'

Exchanging glances with each other, the team decided that it would be safer for their health to 'fess up.

'Dr Beckett, we were merely playing a game,' said Teyla, fixing the Scot with one of her most charming smiles.

'That's right,' agreed Ford. 'Just a dumb kid's game.'

'A children's game that ended with you cluttering up my infirmary? What kind of games did you play when you were wee bairns?!'

'Oh come on, doc,' said Sheppard, trying to act as a pacifier. 'We just got a bit rough, that's all.'

'You can say that again,' snorted McKay. 'You almost broke my damn head off, you reckless, idiotic, heavy handed, kamikaze -'

'McKay, I said I was sorry!'

'WHAT GAME?' roared Carson, instantly putting a halt to the boys' bickering. 'IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, IT'S 4 AM! I SHOULD BE IN BED LIKE EVERY OTHER SANE PERSON NOT STOOD HERE WITH YOU DOZY SODS!'

The team squirmed uncomfortably - they had never seen Beckett's unbridled anger in all its glory before. Quite frankly, it was even more terrifying than having a staring match with a pissed off Wraith. 'Well, doc,' said Sheppard, 'you've gotta understand that we were all a bit…' He trailed off, looking to the others for help.

'Uh… what the Major is trying to say is that all work and no play makes us very cranky little space cadets,' said McKay. 'We were…'

'I do not know the correct term,' mumbled Teyla.

'Er… bored?' hazarded Ford.

'Bored? You were bored?' Carson couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'YOU WERE BORED SO YOU DECIDED TO TRY AND SERIOUSLY INJURE EACH OTHER?!'

'We didn't mean to,' said Sheppard quickly. 'It just got a bit out of hand.'

'It wouldn't have been a problem if flyboy over there hadn't cheated!' said McKay hotly.

'I did no such thing!'

'You did too!' McKay shot back. 'You were using a life signs detector! How is that not cheating?!'

'It was legitimate, McKay,' retorted Sheppard. 'The rules say that you can use any tactics to gain an upper edge on your opponents.'

'Upper edge?' McKay was incredulous. 'If that's an upper edge, I really don't wanna know what all out, full blown cheating is!'

Sheppard rolled his eyes before glancing at the Athosian woman ruefully. 'Teyla nearly broke my neck, but I'm not accusing her of cheating!'

'You're just embarrassed that a woman beat you,' muttered Rodney, not quite under his breath.

'Yeah, well at least I didn't scream like a ten year old girl when I got tagged,' John replied.

'I did NOT!' said McKay hotly. He at least had the grace to look mildly embarrassed. 'You just… startled me.' Beside him, Ford let out an involuntary chuckle.

'I know that I'll regret asking this, but what exactly was the game you were playing?' asked Carson. He really wished he was back in his warm bed, not dealing with the four mental asylum inmates that had escaped and were apparently impersonating Sheppard and co.

McKay mumbled a reply.

'I'm sorry, I missed that,' Carson snapped testily.

There was silence for a moment then Sheppard decided to cut their losses. 'Uh, it was… it was… hide and seek.'

McKay flinched as Carson growled and took a step forward.

'John Sheppard style.'