When we came back to Italy, I knew that words could never fix what had gone wrong between us. I was curled in his arms when I woke, and I couldn't make him feel pressured to stay with me. I stirred a little bit in his arms, letting him know I was awake. I tried not to breathe through my nose so that his scent wouldn't make me loose track of what I needed to tell him.
"Good morning." His breath spread over me as I turned to look at him.
Instantly, I knew this was a bad idea. As pained as his features looked, they were still perfect in every way. His jaw was squared, strong and perfect. His eyes still smoldered, though they look so much sadder than before. His mouth was drawn in a line, showing much indecision. I couldn't bare to see his angel's face so different than what it used to be before; when he was happy.
"Leave." I told him, trying to keep my voice even. I saw his whole face drop as I said this.
"If that's what you want." He said, snaking his arms away from me and walking to my window.
"It's what you need." I whispered as he jumped out of my room, and out of my life.
I started to cry, and I couldn't believe I let him walk away that easily. Couldn't I just have told him that as much as he doesn't want me anymore I still love him? Was there really anything I could have said that would have made everything better? Something that would give me closure on this pathetic dream I held onto that we were meant to be together.
I must have been there for the better part of the day, eyes watering, and my heart breaking until it seemed as if I was just going to fall out of my chest. Maybe if I just took some pills, or smoked something, maybe then this would all go away. I deftly walked to my bathroom, digging in the cabinet for something that would ease the pain. But I didn't want to build an addiction, I just wanted a momentary sense of relief from this permanent ache I have. After searching through the endless pill bottles I had, I realized none of these would ever help me.
I gave up on trying to make myself feel better, and gave up on ever thinking I could be happy. I trudged my way back to my room, seeing that Charlie was out of the house I didn't have to worry about making him food until dinner time.
When I opened my door I could've screamed. And I did.
"ALICE!" I couldn't contain myself. It made me feel good that after all Edward and I went through, she still wanted to see me.
"Bella! We need to talk." She said, squeezing me in a hug.
"Well, I have time, sit down!" I told her, going over and sitting on my bed.
"I need you to come over my house tonight. We have to fix this problem with you and Edward. I don't know why you pushed him away, but he's been in his room all day, refusing to talk to anyone. The noises he's making is heart shattering, you have no idea. I'm surprised he hasn't killed himself yet. Why did you make him go away?" Alice asked me, concerned.
"He doesn't love me anymore. He was going to end his life because he felt guilty. He told me he doesn't care about me, and he deserves better than me. I can't force myself into his life if he doesn't want me there." I said, staring down at my hands.
"He was trying to protect you, of course he loves you! Why do you think he's moping around? I had never seen someone react the way he is without you. He wants you back, I know he does. Jasper is getting the worst vibes off of him. If you still love him, you have to come over tonight to fix things. Things could be so perfect for you guys if you would just understand how much he truly does love you." She said to me, sighing hugely.
I still couldn't fully believe her. After all that's gone on these past several months, could he really still love me?
"Are you sure he loves me? Absolutely a hundred percent sure?" I couldn't just throw myself at him and become rejected again.
"I know he does, or else he wouldn't be so upset about this split," She paused for a second, apparently 'seeing' something and then said, "Great! You're coming!" She exclaimed.
"Just let me get dressed." I told her, heading for my closet.
She helped me find something to wear, of course blue as it's Edward's favorite color on me. The bottoms were my favorite khaki skirt, and Alice took over my make-up. An hour later I was on my way to the Cullen's house.
We got there all too fast, and yet, not fast enough. I walked slowly up the steps after Alice. This was what it all came down to; there was no turning back anymore.
She led me into the house, at a nice human pace. I saw the family in the living room, talking lightly with each other.
"Bella! My favorite human!"
"Bella, we've missed you so much."
"It really has been too long."
I was greeted by a few of them, but Alice just shook her head at all of them. The last thing I needed now was to talk to them after all this time. I really did miss them, but this was going to be all too much.
"Edward's up in his room." Carlisle smiled up at me, knowingly.
"Good luck." Alice whispered, pushing me lightly to the stairs.
Each step seemed to take longer and longer until I got to my destination. When I finally reached his door, all of my confidence was gone. The sounds I heard coming from his room were heart wrenching. It was almost as if he was trying to cry, but I knew he couldn't. It was a dry sobbing sound, and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I couldn't stand this anymore; I knocked softly on the door.
I heard the noises stop, and slowly opened the door. I should've been better prepared to have seen his face like this. He had lifted his head off of the pillow, revealing his eyes, a shallow gray. His hands were tensed up clutching at the pillow from its sides. His body was shaking ever so slightly, but I could still tell.
I took slow, deliberate steps toward the bed, making sure not to ruin this moment by falling. When I made it there, he was in a sitting position with his back against the bed rest.
There was nothing I could say; nothing I could think of to make the color come back to his eyes. It killed me to know I was the reason he was like this. It was like stabbing him, over and over again.
I slid both of my knees on the bed, slowly making my way towards him. When I finally reached him, I moved my hand out to caress his face. His cold cheek felt amazing under my touch. His eyes shut, his face sinking into my hand. It was all so much to handle, my eyes slightly watering again.
"I missed you so much." I was finally able to say as I traced his face. I took his right hand in mine, kissing it all over.
"You had all of me while I was gone." Edward told me, finally opening his eyes.
"I love you." I couldn't help but say as I wrapped my arms around him.
"You have no clue how much that truly means to me now." He pulled me in closer to his chest.
And it was just like before. It was comfortable and easy; his cheek resting on the top of my head, stroking my hair while I breathed in his amazing scent. His arms were protective around me, letting me know that nothing could make him let go.
And what he said in the forest didn't matter. And even if fate was against us, it couldn't keep us apart. It was as if those several months without him were just a terrible nightmare to be locked away and forgotten. For now, there was nothing in this world but me, him, and the undeniable bond, love, between us.
It was like waking up from a long sleep, finally realizing what living truly meant. He gave reason for life, and without him, nothing would ever matter anymore.