Pistachio Ice Cream
Hehehe...a completely retarded crack-fic. It was written for a dare. It began with the idea for Cyrus liking pistachio ice cream, and then...it ended with me writing a fanfic about him, and everybody being OOC, so...enjoy ! :D
Cyrus looked at the shiny glass bowl with peaking interest. In the bowl was some green glob with brown specks in it.
The maniacal leader poked the glob with the spoon, and it jiggled slightly. His stern gaze turned back on Mars, who was whistling innocently. " What...the fuck is this ? " he demanded. " Jello ?! "
Mars scoffed. " As if, Boss. That's pistachio ice cream. "
" And what is....ice cream ? "
The commander gawked at her boss as if he had just said that Team Galactic was turning to a giant supermarket. " You don't know what ice cream is ? "
Cyrus shrugged. " Well, it's not ice, and it's not cream. A complete misnomer, and it's green. That must mean that's it's spoiled....so....what, are you tryin' to kill me or somethin' ? 'Cause....I got a gun in my underwear drawer if you want to try. "
Mars sweatdropped and quickly shook her head. " No, Boss. It's supposed to look that way. They used food coloring. "
" Oh. So...what are the brown things ? "
" Uh, they're either mouse turds or chocolate chips, " Mars replied, slightly confused with the brown speck mystery herself.
" Oh. "
Cyrus and Mars stared at each other for a few seconds as the nearby clock ticked loudly and Jupiter was chasing Saturn for some unknown mystery. After a long moment of silence passed, Mars scratched her head nervously. " Could we go now ? It's gettin' late. "
" It's four-thirty ! " Cyrus snapped, banging his fist on the table.
" Yeah, well, I have a doctor's appointment at five, and Jupiter has a badminton tournament that she has to go to in order to win and spite those Rocket idiots....."
" Just go. "
Mars sighed a breath of relief. " Thank you, Sir. "
" Whatever. "
The three commanders left, and Cyrus was once again all alone at his desk. He proceeded to poke the jiggly blob of ice cream again. When he did, his spoon managed to spill a few drops of green stuff on his khaki pants. The man groaned. " Spoons suck. I'm twenty-seven, and yet the scientists still haven't found a better way to scoop inanimate objects up. Wow. I live in a world filled with fuckin' idiots. "
Cyrus grimaced as he filled the spoon up with a quantity of the pistachio ice cream and slowly shoved it into his mouth. The small green blob felt extremely cold on his sensitive blob, and yet the taste was....delicious.
He scooped up another lump of pistachio, and another, and another, until the entire gallon of ice cream was sitting like a stone in his stomach. The blue-haired man grinned crookedly and shut his eyes, feeling his belly. " That's some damn good ice cream, but why should it be called ice cream ? " he asked himself. " It deserves a better name ! A name that isn't messed with....I know ! The Cyrus ! "
And so in the next few weeks, a ye-olde ice cream parlor by the name of Stones had major business with a certain blue-haired maniac. Every day Cyrus would walk in, order himself a tub's amount of pistachio ice cream (without the brown specks), and devour it with no mercy. Gradually his belly grew larger and larger, his cheeks grew fatter, and his pale skin started to actually color, until.....
" Uh, Sir ? Are you okay ? " Saturn inquired one day.
" Why ?! What the fuck is wrong with me ?! Do I have a beard or somethin' ?! "
Cyrus glared at the commander with an annoyed look on his face. Saturn winced. " Well, you look a bit less....thinner, than usual. "
" Are you trying to call me fat ?! "
" N-No, Boss, it's jus- "
" I AM NOT FAT ! " Cyrus roared belligerently.
Suddenly, a cracking noise was heard, and Cyrus dropped down several inches, breaking his chair in several pieces. Saturn sweatdropped, and the leader moaned. " Damn it, this is the third chair I've broken ! " he cried. " Remind someone to invent better chairs, will you ? Oh, and also tell them to get me a bucket of some pistachio Cyrus. I'm famished. "
Saturn's sweatdrop grew slightly larger. " Cyrus, Sir ? "
" Yeah. It's for dinner. "
Jupiter grimaced. " I thought you were Cyrus, Boss ! " she exclaimed.
" I am ! "
" You're going to eat yourself dripping in grotesque-looking green stuff ?! "
" No ! I'm going to eat Cyrus ! "
By now Saturn had slowly left the room, and Mars had followed him, leaving Jupiter to face her superior. " There's no other Cyrus in the building, Sir ! "
" Yeah, I know, " Cyrus testily replied. " I have to get my Cyrus from the ice cream parlor a few streets from here. "
" ...What the fuck ? "
Cyrus gave Jupiter a crooked, unemotional grin as someone brought a bathtub filled with goopy green stuff. He gestured to the ice cream with visible pride. " This, Jupiter, my dear, is pistachio Cyrus. Want some ? "
Jupiter sweatdropped for the first time in a decade. " It's called ice cream..."
" It's called Cyrus ! I renamed it ! " Cyrus proudly boomed, already digging into his tub of ice cream.
" So....let me get this straight. This is your...dinner ? " Jupiter asked.
" Yeah, and my lunch, and my breakfast, too ! "
"....How long have you been eating this ? "
Cyrus shrugged. " About six weeks, I guess. "
" So...you've been eating nothing but pistachio ice cream for six weeks ? "
" Well, it's called Cyrus, but...yeah ! "
There was silence for a long time in the room before Jupiter rubbed her eyelids, annoyed. " That's so unhealthy, " she muttered. " No wonder you look like a diseased Wailmer. "
" What do you mean ? "
" Uh, you're as red as a Krabby, you're 300 pounds, and everybody's been hearing you wheeze by the air vents ! " Jupiter snapped, snatching the spoon away from her boss.
Cyrus furrowed his eyebrows. " Jupiter, give me back the damn spoon, " he said unemotionally.
" No way. "
" I'll give you a dollar. "
" No. "
" I'll....I'll be your best friend. "
" Bite me. "
" GIVE ME THE FUCKING SPOON ! "
Cyrus lunged forward for the spoon. Jupiter, who was more healthier and faster than her boss, easily dodged him, and the leader fell to the floor with a thud.
" Ow. I feel pain, " he muttered, feeling his bottom.
Suddenly, a mysterious and entirely crackish event happened. Cyrus's arms and legs began to wiggle involuntarily. His head started to shake weirdly, and his eyes started to flicker.
And slowly he was turning a pistachio green color. Slowly, very slowly, until....
" Boss....you're a glob of ice cream ! " Jupiter exclaimed.
Cyrus looked at his hand, which was now a goopy green thing. " Wow. I'm pistachio. "
" Aren't you going to express any emotion ? "
" No. Pistachio's awesome, " Cyrus replied in his monotonous voice. " Besides, I think I had a heart attack right before I turned into Cyrus. Guess that means that nobody wants me dead yet or something. Hehehe...take that, Arceus. "
He turned to Jupiter and made a ice creamish grin. She shuddered. " Ew. If you're flirting with me, I'm going to be so pissed off.... "
Cyrus shook his head. " I feel nothing. I'm a giant glob of pistachio. See ? "
The glob-man handed Jupiter what used to be his right hand, but now was a greenish mush. Looking at Cyrus, Jupiter shut her eyes tight. " Boss, I'm going to walk out of this room, out of this building, and we shall never talk about this again. "
" Sure. Go ahead. Hey, in fact, you could even be the boss for a day ! You deserve it ! "
Jupiter rolled her eyes. " And you're an unemotional creep that is a glob of pistachio ice cream, and now you're probably going to eat yourself. "
" Probably. "
" Yeah....like I said, I'm going. "
She left Cyrus by himself. He sniffled and took out a water bottle filled with vodka from one of his globby flaps near his stomach. " It's okay. I'm just a giant glob of pistachio. That may be bad, but it has advantages....I might finally be able to beat Giovanni at Pong today ! "
He let out a cheesy cackle. " And I will take over the world with my pistachio powers ! MWAHAHAHAHAH- DAH ! NO, SKORUPI ! NOOOOOOOOOOO ! "
And that was the end of Cyrus the Pistachio Glob.