Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: I wrote this like years ago, but I'm dumb and accidentally deleted this chapter instead of editing some typos. Woops? That's what happens when you don't log in for a very long time.

Twilight in a Nutshell
-Breaking Dawn-

Book One:

Bella: I love Edward, but I don't want to marry him.

Edward: Come on, Bella! I can't stand being the only virgin.

Bella: We get to have sex?! Yay!

Bella and Edward get married.

Jacob: Nooooooooo! You whore

Bella: I love you, Jacob, but I love him more.

Bella and Edward go on their honeymoon an island Esme just happens to own.

Bella: sex sex sex Sex!

Bella blushes

Bella: What do I wear?!

Fade to black

Bella: Hey, what are these bruises?

Edward: I ate a pillow instead of you.

Bella eats 3932 eggs

Edward: I guess we can try again

Bella: Yay! Sex sex sex Seeexxxxxx!

Fade to black

Bella: More pillows?

Edward: No, headboard this time.

Edward leaves to go hunting.

Bella: I'm so hot, where's Edward?

Bella eats bad chicken

Bella: Yup, I'm preggers.

Edward freaks out.

Bella: Better call Rosalie!

Book Two:

Switch to Jacob's point of view despite the entire series being from Bella's

Jacob: I really just want to fight someone. Where are those Cullen's?

Jacob goes to visit Quill and sees Claire

Claire: I'm here to foreshadow! yay!

Jacob goes to the Cullen's

Jacob: Wtf? Bella, what happened?

Bella: I'm preggo! And It's killing me, yay!

Edward becomes the burning man x 343

Edward: Will you please have an affair with my wife so that I can kill my baby?

Jacob: Sure, why not?

Rosalie hovers over the baby, threatening to kill anyone who so much as breathes on Bella.

The pack hear of the baby and wish to kill it

Jacob: I'll just make my own pack!

Despite all of the tension, nothing happens with the pack

Bella: Mmmmm blood is tasty!

Bella's bones begin to break as the baby kicks.

Bella leans over and vomits a fountain of blood

Rosalie: The baby!

Edward uses his mouth to free the baby.

Jacob becomes a pedophile.

Bella: Yay! Let's name her after everyone!

Bella begins to die, Edward injects his venom.

Book Three:

Bella, despite being a horrible actress, is able to remain silent and still all throughout her change.

Bella: Where's my baby?!

Jacob:Uh, Bella. Funny thing, I'm in love with your baby. Don't kill me!

Bella: You, what?!

Bella has amazing self-control and finds it boring.

Fade to black

Bella: I love sex

Edward: Me too, love. Me too.

Irina sees the child and thinks it's a vampire.

Bella: Crap.

Carlise: Let's get lots and lots of vampires to come watch us die!

Alice: Oh, you should- bye!

Vampires from all over the world come to witness Renesme

Bella: I have cool powers!

The Volturi and its entire army come to crush the Cullens

Taunting and snarls on both sides

Jane even attempts to use her powers

Caius kills Irina, trying to provoke a reaction.

And then...

Nothing.

Aro: Oh, sorry about that.

And another book end with a cheesy "happily ever after"


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