A Polite Discussion Over A Cup Of Coffee


Thalia: I've been... yeah, totally not around. Long story and forgive? Of course, inevitably, one of the first things I do when I return to intarweb activities would be writing collab crackfic with Lilian. This particular episode of the Thalia-and-Lilian show involves Zoisite and coffee. I don't think any more needs to be said.

Lilian: what Thalia said, about the not being around and the forgiving? RL and all. When Thalia said 'we should write another collab crackfic', I figured sure, we'll brainstorm, throw some ideas around and leave it at that. And then she said 'can you imagine a caffeine addicted Zoi running out of cofffee?' and this sprung to life. Long live the nerdsluts!!!!


The video game marathon of last night was, by all appearances, still going on in the living room. Kind of, Zoisite reflected. At least, the television was still emitting bright flashes of light and jingles of music. However, both Jadeite and Nephrite were sprawled on the floor, passed out and rumpled and oblivious to the words flashing on the screen asking if they wanted to go onto the next level.

Zoisite yawned hugely and none-too-gently kicked Nephrite's arm out of the way-- well, the arm that wasn't entangled by the cord of the controller he was holding. It was far too early in the morning, but he had set his alarm early so that he could finish up that all-important report on Biochemical engineering technology in good time. Zoisite hated to procrastinate, after all.

Procrastination would mean that he'd have to do the report in the evening, and the evening would be far better spent doing other things rather less innocent than typing up information about aromatic compounds. As he recalled, Ami did say that she had the evening free. A bleary smile crossed Zoisite's face, only a shadow of the usual rakish grin.

Yes, he planned on devoting his evening to his beautiful, elegant, shy-around-others-but-hot-damn-when-you-really-got-to-know-her girlfriend. But first things first. Report, which meant coffee. He stepped over a few empty beer bottles littering the floor and made his way towards the kitchen.

Precisely thirty-two seconds later, every inhabitant of the apartment building was jolted awake by the sound of a long, blood-curdling scream of murderous rage.


The blond looked around at the ear-splitting cry of his name. He was breathing hard, hyperventilating after being jerked awake of a very nice dream that involved Rei and melted chocolate, and to make things even worse the controller cord was wrapped around his legs like the snake from Hell. Which meant he couldn't run away when a hissing, spitting blond hurricane emerged from the kitchen brandishing what looked like an empty coffee can.

"Uhm," he tried, clearing his throat. His mouth taste like rug. And coffee. And that's when the danger of his situation began sinking in. "Yeah?"

Next to him, Nephrite looked at Zoisite, then at Jadeite, then at the very obvious coffee mug rings on the living room table and paled. Jadeite could've sworn he heard his friend mutter a prayer, but decided that turning his attention away from Zoisite might not be a good idea. He had that look—the 'I'm going to kill someone unless I get some coffee' look. And what do you know? At 5 in the morning it had seemed like a good idea to recharge with some coffee before attempting to defeat Gilgatron the Knight-Slayer, boss of level 27. In retrospect, perhaps it hadn't been the smartest thing he had ever done…

"Jade. Where. Is. My. Coffee?"

Uh-oh. Zoi had gone all quiet. That was never good. Hissy-fits – like the ones that happened after someone left damp towels on the bathroom floor, or when someone forgot to clean the sink after shaving – those they could all deal with. Give him some pats on the back and make the appropriate 'yes, we don't appreciate you and your mad cleaning skills enough' noises and it went away. But this? The quiet, seething rage? This was different.

Oh, man, Rei was going to kill him if he showed up with another black eye.

That is, of course, if he showed alive at all. The caffeine addict had a look in his eyes generally reserved for mentions of Queen Metallia and people who sang along with Britney Spears, and with Jadeite's luck, he was liable to end up being violently murdered with a coffee filter. If any of them could pull off a violent crime with said item, it would be a righteously enraged Zoisite.

"What's the problem?" Ah, salvation! Jadeite could've almost wept in joy. Kunzite, scowly-faced per usual and sporting rather amusing bedhead (not that any would mention it to the man, being not suicidal), came upon the scene. "Zoisite, why are you hyperventilating?"

"That... he... THEY TOOK MY COFFEE!" The last four words were viciously snapped out with the force of bullets. "The. LAST. Of. My. Coffee. My good, one hundred percent Columbian roast." Zoisite's hands were clenching and unclenching rapidly, one of them waving the empty coffee can like a baton. "KUNZITE! THERE IS NO COFFEE IN THE HOUSE!"

Those words seemed to echo, bouncing back and forth between the walls of the living room like trapped bees. Kunzite blinked. Which, had it been anyone else, wouldn't have meant much. In Kunzite's case, it meant he had just encountered something either utterly perplexing or monumentally stupid. Jury was still out as to which category this particular situation landed itself in.

"So?" said the silver haired man, pretending not to notice Jade's increasingly frantic attempts to untangle himself from the black controller cord, "have some tea for a change. It looks like you need to relax, anyway."

It was a testament to Zoi's intelligence – and self-preservation instincts – that he didn't chew Kunzite's head off right there and then. Although he certainly looked like he wanted to. Instead, he took a deep breath and re-focused his anger on the original – and much more deserving – recipient. He only said three words: "I NEED coffee."

The way his cat-green eyes bore into Jade, you would think the man could not only spontaneously generate coffee beans, but grind them and serve them in a silver cup as well. As it was, such things were way beyond Jade's abilities – his area of expertise was water, anyway – so the young man just shrugged. Maybe he was feeling courageous, or maybe he wasn't quite awake yet, so he simply replied: "Go buy some."

Zoisite looked about ready to spontaneously combust at that. "Go BUY some?! After YOU drank it all?! Negating the eternally fair rule of 'he who uses the last buys more', I NEED COFFEE. NOW. In order to GO THROUGH MY DAY."

"And none of us can shit Arabica beans, so we're at an impasse," Nephrite mumbled. "Er, Zoi, you could always see if any of the neighbors have any coffee to lend you."

"I doubt any of the neighbors will let him in after that screech," Kunzite said dryly. He gave the cups on the counter a peremptory glance. Nope, all empty.


Shaking off the vision of triple Zoisites, Jadeite finally managed to untangle his leg from the controller cord and muster up something one might call courage were it not so masochistic. "Hmph! At least I didn't replace it with decaf."

And with THAT mention of the unholiest of words, the living room erupted in war.

With the noise of breaking china – who even knew they OWNED china? Probably a house warming gift from Makoto. Someone was gonna pay dearly for that later – hollered insults – in seven languages, no less. Two of which had not been uttered on Earth for at least a thousand years – and punch throwing – or biting, in Zoi's case. He wasn't the brawniest of the Shitennou, but he WAS the most vicious. And he was out of coffee, so you can imagine that whatever smidgens of what he considered a fair-fight flew right out the window – none of them heard the knock on the door.

Or the yelling that came after that. Or the giggling that followed THAT.

It was only the sweet, heavenly scent of coffee reached Zoi, who was at the moment under Kunzite, twisting Jade's arm behind his back and trying to keep Nephrite's hair out of his eyes, that he deigned to look up. And there, standing on all of her glory, was the love of his life, the shinning beacon of hope in his dreary, coffee-less world.


More importantly, Ami holding what looked to be a cup of Bennie's, the gourmet coffee shop right down the street. Where they added those cinnamon sprinkles and mint leaves to their coffee. The place Zoi had once sworn he wanted to be buried in, to make his journey into the ever after accompanied by luscious scent of coffee beans and lemon cakes.

He somehow managed to extricate himself from the three arms and four legs holding him immobile, jumped over two controllers, a gaming console, a pile of broken crockery, the coffee table AND Nephrite (hmmm, maybe he should give up biomedical engineering and consider Olympic track and field instead?), and reached Ami's side in a flash. Before she could so much as say hello, she was bent over in a tango-like dip and kissed senseless, and likely would have dropped the precious cup of coffee had Zoisite not managed to snag it with the hand that wasn't supporting her back. He pulled away after several seconds, ignoring all catcalls and hoots, tasting peppermint and coffee on his lips, and gave her a radiant smile.

"And THAT right there is reason number 2371 that I love you," he declared. Ami's cheeks were crimsoned in embarrassment and her beautiful blue eyes full of confusion.

"Er, I love you too, but what, precisely, are you talking ab-- hey, that was my coffee!" For Zoisite had snatched up the cup of Java and drained it in one gulp. The world righted itself again, and he felt at peace.

Even Jadeite could be suffered to live. Maybe. After a few more bonks on the head with the coffee can.

"I'll make it up to you," he promised Ami in a husky voice. "It was a dire emergency."

Just the tone he used was enough to make Ami blush again. That, coupled with just how tightly he was still embracing her and the wicked twinkle in his eyes was enough to make her forget that she hadn't had more than a sip of her coffee before he had so blithely snatched it away from her.

Taking another look around the room, she decided that perhaps this time he needed the caffeine jolt more than she did. She squirmed, a little uncomfortable at all the attention – because who are we kidding? Jadeite was giving her puppy-dog eyes of adoration. She had, after all, saved him from destruction by bringing Zoi his morning cup of joy. Nephrite was rearranging his hair into some semblance of civility and Kunzite… well, Kunzite was just shaking his head and muttering to himself. Ami mused that perhaps he was spending way too much time with Minako – and she turned back to Zoi. She blinked, unknowingly mimicking Kunzite's earlier expression of surprise.

"Zoi, are you petting the coffee cup?"

Startled out of his reverie, Zoi rearranged his features into something that was more presentable and not his 'I've just had amazing sex' face and set the cup down on the kitchen counter. "No. I was just—it was—you left lipstick on the brim."

Now, Ami knew she wasn't wearing any lipstick – lip balm was as far as her make-up adventures went when Minako was not around – but she loved her man too much to expose the lie. So instead, she waved a hand in the general direction of his roommates, and asked: "Never a boring day for you guys, right?"

Zoi just shrugged.

"So, Ami, what brings you here today?" Jadeite asked brightly, deeming it safe to speak again now that he'd surreptitiously stowed away the empty coffee can behind the sofa. "Aside from bringing order to chaos, saving my life, etc. that sort of thing?"

She blushed and chewed her lip, a habit which never failed to drive Zoisite into wild lust. "Oh, I just recalled that I left a book here last time I was over, and I thought that I should probably pick it up. Biomedical engineering report due in a month's time and all that."

The blasted report! The very reason Zoisite had gotten up early that morning and into this whole situation in the first place! It sprang up again in his mind, beckoning like a stern teacher, and he shook his head at it before wrapping both arms around Ami's waist and cuddling. "Want to work on the report together this evening?" he asked, not caring about his audience as he nibbled at her neck. Mmmm, she smelled like lotus blossoms. And coffee. She blushed even deeper.

"Well, I was going to see if I couldn't get it done this morning, actually..."

"No can do," he declared firmly, not relinquishing his hold on her. "I was still using that book, actually. We'll have to share it. If you want to read it though, you're welcome to." Saying so, he steered her past the wrecked living room and towards his room. The door slammed shut behind the two of them.

Jadeite rolled his eyes and snorted. "READING. That's what they're calling it these days?"

"Are you sure you should be mocking the person who brought caffeine at a crucial time and saved your masochistic life?" Kunzite inquired dryly.

Jadeite was saved from responding by the sound of a thump, followed by a girlish squeal. The walls WERE awfully thin. And one could never tell with the quiet ones. He paled at the implications and rubbed his temples. "Maybe I should've let him kill me after all. Then I don't have to listen to nerdsluts having wild caffeinated monkey sex only several feet away."

Someone cleared his throat. Nephrite stood by the TV, where a small pile of peach and rose ceramic was the only evidence left of Makoto's very thoughtful gift to the group. "Ok, who's gonna take the blame for this?"

Jadeite and Kunzite suddenly found very interesting things to do in their rooms.


The End.