Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!!
AN: Okay, so this is my first attempt at an iCarly fic, so try and be nice, I dont actually watch the show itself, but I've seen quite a few clips of Carly/Sam ship, and I just thought that I'd try spreading my wings into writing a fic in this category, this IS a femslash, so fair warning, if you dont like it, leave, otherwise, enjoy the show!!
December, my least favorite month of the year. For many, this is the most "jolliest" and "joyful" time of year, blah, blah, its all a bunch of horse shit. December is the month of Christmas, oh Hannukah, of Kwanzaa, all those other religious holidays, true, when I was younger, what kid didn't like Christmas? But now, with war raging between our country and others over religion, who's to say we're right? Plus, this month just sucks even more in particular because liquor stores are booming with business, that includes my practically hobo mom, drowning herself up in the Tonic Gin and Rum, not that I mind anymore, at least she's gotten past that whole violent streak where she would get drunk and hit me for everything wrong in her life, but December was still a month where I just get depressed. Depressed because its the holidays, depressed because everyone else, those stupid annoying jerks along every corner, are carolling and depressed because teachers love giving extra homework as gifts, even as a Senior, you'd think they'd have learned to just let us have our time to relax and enjoy the holidays, but no. Depressed most of all, because its yet another Christmas without her.
I'm pretty sure by now you understand who I mean, her, as in my best friend, my confidant, the girl who would always pick me up when I was down and always keep my brazen self out of trouble..
It had been around this time, three years ago, that her elder brother Spencer had been recognized for his artwork, and been given an opportunity to instruct younger artists out at the Fine Arts Institute in New York, of course, Carly and Freddie and I were excited for him, but at the same time, my world fell apart when I realized that they'd have to leave, leave Seattle, leave Washington, leave the three story apartment where I spent more than most of my time hanging out, raiding the fridge, staying the night and helping perform stunts on our webshow, iCarly, and most importantly, leave me. Freddie, of course had been a blubbering mess when Carly broke the news that she and Spencer were leaving, I on the other hand, had no tears to shed, as much as I wanted to be selfish, I wouldn't do that to her, Carly was proud of Spencer and knew that an opportunity such as this would be excellent for him, not to mention she'd been offered a private scholarship to attend a ritzy upper-class school in New York as well, for her amazing grades. Carly had been nothing short of ecstatic, and I knew, as much as I wanted to shout that she was being selfish for leaving me and the webshow behind, I couldn't make her stay.
"New York is so far away, Carly!"Freddie bounded, trying to think up every excuse to keep his beloved crush here. "What about our webshow? What about school and our friendship and-"
"Me,"I whispered, but only Carly seemed to hear that, I noticed because her beautiful brown eyes seemed to grow a shade darker in sadness as they locked with mine.
"Look you guys, Spencer has an amazing opportunity in New York, and they're offering to pay for me to go school, and besides, we can all keep in touch, its not like I'll be gone forever, I can always move back to Seattle after I graduate,"Carly smiled, hopeful, I only stared at her, blankly, knowing that she was lying through her teeth, that she was scared as Freddie about leaving her life behind, after all, we'd only just fought for her life in Seattle against her crazy Grandfather not too long ago in a custody battle.
"Thats nearly three years from now, Carly!"Freddie whined. "What if you find someone else-" I growled, menacingly, his insignificant whining was beginning to annerve me and the subject of Carly finding new friends and new loves also bothered me, but I said nothing.
"Freddie, look, I'm going with Spencer to New York, if I didn't I would have no where to go but Yakima to live with my grandad, and we all know I cant do that,"Carly pointed out.
"Marry Me!"Freddie blurted out.
Had I not been so completely annoyed, I'm sure my jaw would have hit the ground with Carly's at his stupid plea.
"What?!"Carly voiced my mind's thoughts.
"Marry Me! You and I can get married, live with my mom and I, we graduate, run off and live on our own an-"
"Freddie, please, I'm not gonna marry you! We're fifteen!"Carly snapped, seemingly frustrated, but a small blush in her cheeks from the offer. I rolled my eyes.
"Sam! Tell her, c'mon, you dont really want her to go, do you!?"Freddie implied, looking at me, he must have run out of ideas, because I know he wasn't asking my advice.
Carly looked at me, silent, her eyes and mine in a fierce lock, I could almost feel the electricity pumping between us, I just wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go,
Dont go to New York, Carls, stay with me... I need you, my heart screamed, but my mind saw the imploring look in Carly's eyes, as if she were almost waiting for me to say something, would she have stayed had I told her to? Would she have thrown away her life in New York had I just asked her to not leave me? Dont be ridiculous, Carly is your friend, not your lover, she has no choice, get over that mushy fairytale crap.
"Promise to write us,"I said, flatly, ignoring my heart shredding itself to pieces within my chest, I was certain that in a moments time, blood would seep onto the front of my shirt where my heart would bleed. Freddie's jaw hit the floor with a loud clank, but my eyes were fixated on Carly, who's eyes seemed to just grow darker, like a heavy shadow had passed over her and her body now looked weighed down, saddened.
"Everyday,"Carly promised, silently. Her voice sounded dead, and I felt my own body weigh down with the guilt of putting her there... But why should she be sad? What could I possibly have said to make this any less easy for her?
I love you. Pssht, yeah like that would work!
I sighed, as I climbed up the stairs to my mothers loft apartment and opened the door, it was unlocked as usual, and I could immediately smell the pot burning from inside her bedroom, the door was shut and there was moaning from the other side of the door, both hers and anothers. I rolled my eyes, great, she has another fuck buddy. Shrugging off my damp jacket and my backpack, I headed to the kitchen, ignoring the growing pile of dirty dishes that needed washing and looked in the fridge, the smell of spoiled milk was the first thing to infiltrate my nose and it crinkled in disgust as I noticed it wasn't the milk but the leftover kung pao chicken from last weeks dinner. I sighed and grabbed two pieces of bread from the bread basket and popped them in the toaster, before munching on them as a snack and heading to the bathroom to shed out of my wet clothes from the heavy downpour outside. I started the shower, and steam began billowing from the tub.
I looked at myself in the mirror. Not much had changed over three years, I'd gotten skinnier, if at all possible, that was probably due to my lack of a decent meal since Carly and Spencer used to be where I'd get my best meals, and ham, oh, glorious ham how I miss thee. My stomach growled in protest and I ceased all thoughts of my favorite lunch meat. Stepping into the shower, I began letting the hot water warm my now more developed body and squeezed a healthy amount of shampoo into my hand to help wash my long curls, that had now reached the lower portion of my backside, I didn't feel like wasting money on a haircut. When I finished towelling off, I got into a pair of jeans, my converses and a dark blue sweater that Carly had given to me while she had packed her stuff a few years back, and said that she liked how it brought out my eyes. I sighed, fingering the cuff of the sweater as I heard a loud crash come from my moms room and an even louder moan of pleasure, sick.
I grabbed my jacket and my backpack, I wasn't about to stick around here to listen to that all night, I'd never get any sleep, so instead, I headed further downtown, the destination grained within my memory, and the path taken, as easy as knowing the back of my own hands, as I made it to the apartment complex where Carly used to live, Freddie still lived right across from her, but I never saw him nowadays, he and I were never close before Carly, and so after she left, we just completely stopped speaking to one another, Freddie seemed to loathe me more than usual, having blamed me for not helping keep "his Carly" in Seattle, whereas I just hated his guts because he couldn't seem to get over his lovesick puppy routine and learn that no matter how much you love something, life wasn't a fucking fairytale, not every person got a Happy Ending, and I knew this for a fact, because the only person in the world who could ever make me smile, my very own real life fairytale, was thousands of miles away, in New York.
Carly had written to us for quite a bit at first when she got there, saying how she missed us, I'd gotten a few phone calls and such, mostly we'd sit up all night, talking about New York, and what she was doing, she sounded somewhat happy, and mentioned that she'd made many friends, but that none were as special to her as me and Freddie... the last phone call I recieved from her was two years ago, Christmas Day.
"Merry Christmas, Carls!"I answered the phone with a smile. Normally, I hated the holidays, even then, but knowing Carly was on the other line always forced a smile onto my face, no matter how glum a mood I was in.
"Sam-"Carly breathed. I froze, something was wrong.
"Carly? What is it?"I asked, alarmed. Please dont be hurt, please dont be hurt.
"It's- It's Spencer,"Carly's voice choked up. My heart constricted and I immediately felt as if the world has dispersed and now it was just Carly and I, hanging together by a mere thread. Oh, God.
"Carly, honey, breathe,"I ignored the small affectionate name as I spoke frantically to the woman I loved. "What happened?"I asked, my tone serious and praying she was alright.
"We w-went to the store- down the street last night to pick up some groceries-- I-"she paused, taking a shaky breath. "I had to go grab something from the car- and then I heard gunshots-- The store clerk was being held up and- and Spencer tried to calm him down- something happened and-"Carly cried harder into the phone, making it unable for her to speak. No... please, no.
"Carly?"I asked, my voice shaky.
"Spencer is dead, Sam,"Carly finished, her voice stone.
"But you're alright, right?"I asked, immediately concerned. I heard Carly sniffle over the line, and somehow I felt her anger well up before she even said the next few words,
"Why did you do it? Why'd you let me go, Sam? Why couldn't you have just been selfish and made us stay?!"Carly yelled into the phone. My ear stayed glued to the reciever, nonetheless, my voice lodged in my throat, I could hardly breathe. "Spencer is dead now and I'm going to live with my grandad! And its all because you wouldn't tell me to stay in Seattle!"Carly cried. I couldn't fight back, how could I? I knew that the rational part of her mind was probably telling her the same thing I was thinking, that Spencer's death wasn't my fault and she was just looking for an area to blame someone because she was so upset, and I was the easiest target. A part of me believed though, that she was right, I had been selfless to let her go, and because of that, they left to New York and now Spencer was gone and Carly was an only child.
"Dont, Sam, I'm going to be back in Washington next week-"Carly's voice was choked with anger and a mixture of grief. "We're going to bury Spencer in Yakima, I dont want to see you or Freddie there, either of you, understand?!"she snapped. I couldn't speak, I didn't have the heart to tell Carly no, I didn't have the will to tell her she was wrong, that no matter what happened I'd be there, just like she'd been there for me, all this time... I couldn't just tell her that I loved her and I was sorry. Then, Carly's voice cleared, into an uneven tone and said the most hurtful words to me of all...
"Goodbye, Sam,"the line clicked dead; and my world crashed down upon me.
Standing outside the door of Carly's apartment, I didn't worry about anyone coming out and seeing me, for I knew that the apartment had been renovated and kept empty thanks to Carly and Spencer's father, nobody lived there, one time I'd caught Freddie up in the old studio, sleeping on the floor of the soundstage where Carly and I used to do our skits for iCarly, and I almost pranked him...almost. I pulled a bobby pin from my hair and picked the lock, no problem, I remember the time that Carly had been doubtful of my skill with lockpicking until I did it before her eyes and she was stunned, and somewhat proud. I entered the old apartment, and took in the vast, empty space.
I didn't need to see the furniture to know where everything was, my eyes followed along the fake wood grains of the floor to where the couch had once sat, and the TV, the small bar dviding the living room from the kitchen, where a computer screen once sat, several little trinkets of Spencer's that would line the walls were now vacant, I walked up the stairs toward the second floor and stopped when I saw the open door to Carly's old bedroom, deciding that I just wasn't in the mood to deal with all the memories right this second, I continued on toward the final floor of the apartment, and into the iCarly studio, the sign on the door still remained in tact, probably the only thing there, besides a few old decorations that were never packed up. This had been my favorite room, it was the place where Carly and I's imaginations went wild, we would do the craziest things. I sat on the floor and decided that with nothing better to do, I pulled out my homework and set it in my lap as I leaned back against the far wall and used the dim light from outside the tinted windows to help me see the pages.
Time didn't seem to matter as I finished one equation after the next, but suddenly, my breathing stilled as a familiar noise sounded in the room; the elevator. I blinked, surely that thing had been shut off when Carly and Spencer left... she'd tried to use it once and it just never opened, but the sudden sound of a loud "ding" throughout the room, stopped her train of thought as the doors to the elevator swung open and leaning over, she saw a figure step out of the elevator, wearing jeans and a heavy raincoat, I stood frozen, with the figures back to me, they hadn't noticed me here yet, and I wasnt so much concerned for my trespassing, that I was being in a closed off room with a complete stranger, but the stranger looked around the room and emitted a sigh, they were female, that much was sure, and as the stranger lifted her hood, long, flowing dark hair escaped, and I sat stunned in amazement... it couldn't be.
Carly turned around, and her dark eyes immediately locked with my ice blue ones, hers grew round as mine, not expecting to see me sitting there, my eyes raked over her lean figure, she had gotten taller, and curvier, her hair was a bit longer, and had more body to it, her full lips that had initially been set in a deep frown, now quirked up in the corners to form a small smirk.
"Sam Puckett, of all things I'd expect, I didn't see this, doing homework in the studio?"she tsked and I just couldn't help but sit there, still somewhat frozen in shock at how light the air seemed to be around us, her eyes warmed gently in greeting as she smiled kindly, and I hesitated, unsure of how she felt about us. "Merry Christmas,"her voice was still the same, pure and sweet, like that of fresh honey, not too sweet, but satisfyingly tender.
"You're back,"my mouth registered, my mind on auto-pilot as my heart resumed its normal pace, if not a bit faster as Carly's mouth opened in musical laughter that filtered through the room like bells, magnificent.
"That's all you have to say? Honestly, Sam, I'd expect more from my sarcastic witty friend, maybe I should go down and get Freddy-"she joked.
"No,"I stood, my book falling from my lap onto the floor. She smiled, gently, as if to say she was only kidding, but I stepped down from the higher floor and we were now closer, yet still a good few feet apart, I didn't dare encroach upon her space. "What are you doing here, Carly?"I asked, intimidated. Her smile only grew wider.
"I could ask you the same, I happen to live here, not technically but the apartment is mine,"she grinned. "You on the other hand? Trespassing,"she tsked again. I scowled.
"Thats not what I meant, Carls,"I grumbled.
Her face fell, suddenly serious.
"I know,"she whispered. The air around us grew still again, and I suddenly felt fifteen again, standing in the studio, the only missing factor was Freddie, but that wasn't important, and here Carly stood, back in my life, looking at me as if I held all the answers... But I had no clue of where to begin.
"Why are you here,"I rephrased my question, silently, careful to not break the trance we seemed to be in, afraid that if I blinked at the wrong moment, she'd dissappear and I'd be alone.. again. Carly's face fell into a shadow, like that of before when she'd depended on me to give her a reason to stay.
"Like I said, Sam, I live here,"Carly repeated, soft, but more firmly, this time. I blinked. "My father came home on leave for a week or so when my grandad got sick, and he's in the process of being admitted into a home, and now that I'm eightteen, my Dad cant really carry me under his military jurisdiction, so instead, he transferred enough money into my account to get me started and yesterday, he came by here to sign the lease to all of this into my name,"Carly explained. "I just have to move my stuff in."
"What about college?"I asked, I was always so sure Carly would further her education. Carly smiled, reading my mind.
"I still plan to attend, I'm gonna be finishing up my senior year though at Ridgeway, my credits are in the process of being transferred, and then hopefully I'll be starting off slow at Seattle University, haven't picked a major though, I'm surprised to see you've managed to make it to senior year-"Carly smiled.
"What can I say, nerds fear me,"I smirked. Carly gave me one of her dissapproving looks, but it was immediately unmasked by her sensitive smile. Then, Carly did something unexpected.
I felt her arms wrap around my waist and pull me so close, that you couldn't fit a sheet of paper between us, my head rested on her shoulder, stiffly, as she buried her face in the crook of my neck.
"I've missed you, Sam,"she whispered against my skin, her breath hot, I felt my heart faintly beating, both fast and slow at the same time, but fully put back together at her words, I wrapped my arms around Carly, amazed at how warm she was, despite the cold December air she'd just recently been outside in, and held her close. I felt a faint wet trickle on my neck, and Carly shuddered in my arms.
"Carly,"I whispered, it wasn't a question, just a statement, I knew something was bothering her, but I wouldn't push her, as memories flooded my mind of the last time Carly got upset with me.
"I-I'm so sorry-"Carly sniffed. "I'm a t-terrible person.. what I said to you back in New Yo-"
I hushed her, and without a second thought, picked her up into my arms, she was very light, even for my lack of weight, and went to sit back down, cradling her to my chest, she cried more, silent sobs wracking her body.
"Sam- dont leave me,"she whispered, her voice hoarse. I kissed the crown of her head, lovingly and I heard her sigh in relief.
"I'll be here, I promise, just stop fighting it and do what you need to,"I said, quietly, to prove my point, I clutched her waist to me a little tighter and she snuggled into my body, clutching to my chest like a drowning child.
How long we sat there, I dont know, but it was pitch black by the time Carly opened her eyes in the faint light from the streets below, I sat there, still as a stone, waiting for her. She had to be in control of this, despite my nagging fears, I let her make the next move. Her eyes, nearly as black as the room, pierced my own, and her breath, smelling faintly of mint and chocolate, tickled my nose, she was merely a hair away, our noses brushed. And something within Carly seemed to snap her back to reality, she looked at me again and backed off, not too far, but still enough to make me feel cooler, I loosened my grip.
"Carly?"I asked, confused.
"When,"she started, breathing in shakily, I let her gather her thoughts. "When Freddie asked you- when he asked you to tell me to stay.. why didn't you?"Carly questioned, looking up at me, sincerety in her gaze piercing my soul. I sighed.
"Carly.. what could I have done?"I pointed out the thoughts that had billowed my mind for years. "I couldn't have stopped you or Spencer, life isn't that fair... to quote the Rolling Stones "you cant always get what you want,""I looked away, a moment passed and I felt Carly's warm fingers lift my chin to meet her steady gaze.
"Sam, you could have made me stay, you just had to tell me so and I would have made Spencer understand.. dont you see that?"Carly asked, gently, her voice unwavering, not upset, angry or even happy, just understanding. "You were the reason I didn't want to leave- you were the reason I fought to stay away from Yakima, and you were the reason I prayed you'd talk- when Freddie asked you- I just wanted to hear you say it-"Carly looked away. It was my turn to be confused.
"Say what?"I asked, my voice breathless, hoping, praying, needing to hear her say it.
"That you wanted me to stay,"Carly looked up into my eyes, I felt the press of a warm palm to my cheek. "That you wanted me to be here, in your life.. always.. that you loved me-"she whispered the last part.
My heart soared, my knees buckled, I thanked myself for sitting, because I could feel myself melt at those words and every other cheesy fucking cliche I could think of. My mind grew hazy as Carly sat there, watching me take it all in.
"I love you, Carly,"I whispered, finding my voice, it was scratchy, hoarse with emotion. "I love you, I've loved you for a long time- and I've always needed you, you are crazy if you thought different,"I stated, something wet fell along my face, was I crying? Oh, great... I was! Carly sniffled, though and wiped my tears, smiling brightly at me.
"Then kiss me already, you fool,"she giggled. I was only too happy to comply.
I suppose maybe fairytales do exist, too bad Freddie would nevevr experience the one like I've found.
AN: Alrighty then! Like I said, my first iCarly fic, I hope you all enjoyed! Please be kind and review!! Happy Holidays!