Forks, Washington.
A beautiful, if somewhat dreary place, where the land is a little bit greener, the woods a bit more mysterious. Surrounded by the Olympic national park and forest, it was certainly a pretty, if rather new, place.
I sneezed. Between Tokyo and the Demon world, I wasn't used to all this fresh air. All the city pollution that coated my lungs was dying a slow, agonizing death, and I wasn't going to hear the last of it anytime soon. I rubbed my nose and spared a glance at my friends.

Kuwabara was craning his neck around, trying to get a look at everything and anything in the area. Every so often he'd make comments about American stuff being a lot more advanced than he thought. Kurama looked like he'd just been dropped off in Disneyworld. I guess it's all the green and growing stuff around; we don't have that much in the way of forest back home. He'd probably be pointing out plants and trees that don't grow back in japan, making comments about this and that. Thankfully, I don't have to sit next to him. That's Hiei's job.

We're here (as usual) because Koenma wants us here. There's been talk of vampires and werewolves and so forth, and for some reason America (and most of Europe, if what Kurama says is true) is one big Spirit World blind spot. Japan has lots of demons and monsters roaming about, and us to take care of 'em. America has even more demons and monsters, and no one to clean up the messes they make, except for the government, but they do kind of a shit job on it anyway. Most of the time they leave the real work to independents. Kurama said something about hearing of a couple of guys (he thinks they're brothers) who go around and do exorcisms and stuff, but that's... well, pretty much it.

So when the afterlife gets a (really belated) whiff of monster activity in the good 'ol states, they decide to really jump the shark and send us.

They could have sent just me, but Koenma said stuff about me not being a very effective solo worker (my ass I'm not) and that I'd be more of a liability without someone to keep me in line. So he sent everyone. I think he just did it to be an asshole.

"Taxi's here, or do you want to sleep at the airport for the night?" Kurama said behind me. I figured the airport would be better than sharing a room with him and Hiei (I think they had some kind of argument, they fight like they're fucking married.) but I didn't tell him that, because I don't want to be castrated in my sleep. We pile into the taxi, and head off to Forks proper.


I'm gonna say this now, I'm constantly amazed by the shit some monsters get themselves in to. Like, the really stupid shit. It took us less than half an hour to get all the information on the werewolf guys and what passes for vampires here (I'll get to them later. You will shit bricks, I'm telling you.) and to head out on our mission. I figured we could get all our shit done in less than a day and have the rest of the week to chill, because, seriously.

For one thing, these guys all go to school.

Okay, yeah, all right, Kurama goes to school, but he's a momma's boy and he's gotta keep up his "image." It's all image with him. Plus, he'd get bored easily otherwise, and he gets spooky when he's bored. But back to the vampires.

This school thing is just the beginning. They can walk out in the sunlight, and I can tell you from experience that they do not burst into flames, turn to mist, or do any of that cool shit like in the movies.

Those motherfuckers sparkle. I swear. I just about shat myself. It was crazy. We met the first group of them outside (IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, I SHIT YOU NOT) and they were...
Oh man, I don't think I can go on. This shit is bananas. Okay.

They were playing baseball.

RIGHT? Fucking baseball. And here I thought we do some crazy shit.

But, yeah, it gets better. So we had this bright idea earlier of splitting off into groups. Kurama was with me, and we were going to cover the vampires. (More like diet vampires, all the glitz, none of the substance) Kuwabara and Hiei went off in search of the furfags werewolves because they are a) psychic and b) rugged forest men (ha, ha.) And since I can't block psychics and Kurama would probably just kill all of them (fox pride, represent) they got the unpleasant task of having to work together for a day. I don't know what really happened with them, but one of the furries ended up with a singed tail and Kuwabara keeps saying shit about pedophiles, so I don't think I want to know.


So me an' Kurama go off to Forks high school in search of the vampires, and were almost blinded by their shininess. Well, not really, but I'm not kidding when I say they are sparkly fuckers. We watched the game for a bit until the sparkliest of them all went off for a bit to shout at his dopey-looking girlfriend. When he came back, I figured 'to hell with all this regular boring-ass baseball, let's have some real fun.' So I go to the dude that's at bat - didn't bother with his name, 'snot like I really give a damn - and told him what was up. Basically, it boiled down to "Me and my pal here are freelance monster-hunters (I left out the demon part) and you assholes are on the menu, unless you can beat us at baseball." I also failed to mention the fact that both Kurama and myself play super dirty when it comes to sports. We're competitive, what can I say?

So, after a couple of minutes of the sparkly (and I found out later, vegetarian) brigade pissing all over themselves, they agreed.

So we split off into teams, and the sparkliest motherfucker of them all gets to pitch first. I guess it was more of that competitive nature of his (or the fact that he has to be prettier than the goddamn universe) but Kurama decided he was going to bat first, so who was I to argue. It was fine until he paused the game to put his hair up, and a bunch of girls who were on the sidelines started freaking out over how hot he was and how omg I hope he's a transfer student he's so sexy and so forth, and Mr. King Sparkle's girlfriend got fucking offended. I mean, I just insulted your mother and shat on your dog offended. King Sparkle got pretty pissed too, it looked like, so instead of pitching the ball over the plate he pitched it at Kurama's head and...

Well, it got pretty violent from there. There was a lot of clothes ripping and hair pulling, and both King Sparkle and Kurama had to finish the game shirtless, and I'm pretty sure every girl there creamed herself twice. After that, Kurama started cheating and tripping everyone who got up to bat on the Sparkledammerung side, and I kind of... okay, I didn't mean to hit the ball right at King Sparkle's girlfriend, but she was right fucking there and she's got a pretty big head to begin with.

King Sparkle and the Shiny brigade didn't take too kindly to that (I think she was their pet human or something) so it turned into a try-to-kick-Yuusuke's-ass fest and a lot of people got arrested.

Thankfully, the Forks PD doesn't have very good locks, because Kurama and I were outta there in like five minutes. I can't even tell you how cool it is that he has like fifty fake IDs.

Okay, so, we ended up not really solving anything, because the werewolf-and-vampire population of Washington is mostly comprised of total pussies, so we went to Seattle for the rest of the week and flew home afterwards. At the very least, it'll be our first mission on record where we haven't directly or indirectly started a war or had to save the world, so I guess it all turned out okay in the end.

And Kurama and me? Totally fucking won that game. Those assholes will lie up and down that they won, but yeah. It was us.


Author's note:

For the lulz, dedicated to everyone over at fanficrants on livejournal.