Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters created by Stephanie Meyer.

A/N: First fanfic, so R&R. I'm genuinely curious what you all think, because it is so much easier to be objective when it's not your own story. So thanks! -Sam

Chapter 1: tacky reststops and cat fights

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

What did I get my skinny ass into?

Agreeing to go with my best friend, uber-bitch Rosalie, and her man-candy hunk-of-meat boyfriend Emmett to Mexico for the next three weeks may be the death of me. I didn't realize that fact until just this very moment, as Rose, Em, and I pulled into the rest stop in some tacky town off the coast of Oregon to finally meet up with her "loser" cousin and his friends, who had invited us.

The drive from Forks to Oregon had been pretty mild and uneventful. Misogynistic Emmett believed that no woman could drive a stick, and so he insisted on driving his big metal monster-Jeep the whole way. Oh Hell No.

Normally, Rosalie and I would have beat the shit out of him for saying such a ridiculous and sexist thing. But that would have meant driving. When I had the option of kicking back. Music blaring.. fantasizing about Rose's hot-ass dad (which I of course had to torture her with). Ok, that was fine with me. Emmett could do all the work. I wasn't fucking stupid.

And, of course, neither was Rose. So we, the apparently helpless females, kicked back on our designer-jeans-clad-asses, and let Emmett think he had won the battle. Was he really that slow?

I giggled a little as I answered my own question: Fuck yeah he was. No doubt.

I still loved him though. Emmett was a total beefcake, not my type at all. His arms were bigger than my fucking thighs, and sometimes I wondered how he even fit through doors at all. But beneath that scary and sexist exterior was a sweet doofus who I totally loved like a brother. Except when he broke my best friend's heart. Yeah, when he did that, I wanted to chop his fucking balls off.

Emmett and Rose had been dating off and on for all of high school. Though on the exterior, it was clear to see why (she being the hot, irresistabley-fuckable blonde cheerleader type, he being the big sexy football type), when you knew them, they were as different as night and fucking day. It was no wonder they broke up every thirty seconds.

Rosalie was a fucking goddess, with her white-blonde hair, pale skin, and huge ass. God, I envied that ass. If I could be a little gay for any female in Forks, it would definitely be for Rosalie. She was perfect, much as it pained me to admit it. But Rose's appeal went way beyond her fuckable exterior. She was extremely smart, and even though most of the dumb cunts in Forks were scared of her (she had the Ice Princess thing down), she really had the most amazing heart and mind of anyone I'd ever met. Of course, it was buried under many layers of cold, frigid bitch.

Emmett, on the other hand, didn't know a jock-strap from a strap-on.

And then there's me. Long brown hair, luscious lips, legs a mile and half long. I don't sweat, I exude sex from my pores. You know the chick that every girl wants to be and every guy wants to bang?

Well, that girl is me. My name is Bella Swan, and I'm about to tell you a story.

And if you think I'd waste my time on some lame-ass fairy tale, you're wrong.


As I was saying, this trip to Mexico might just be the fucking death of me. Well, at least I would die happy.

We pulled into the tacky little rest-stop in Oregon, and I was about to hop out and take a piss. Trying to unbuckle myself from the ridiculous harness of the Jeep (stupid fucking off-roading assholes), I didn't notice him at first. Then I heard Rosalie's sharp intake of breath, and I looked up. Standing there in front of my eyes, smoking a Red and looking like a cross between Sid-fucking-Vicious and a young, blonde Johnny Depp, was the hottest piece of ass I had ever seen in my life. He was tall and broad, thin but muscular. His blonde hair was tousled, and he wore a black t-shirt and a smirk. Oh hell-fucking-yes. Things just got interesting.

I turned to look over at Rose, assuming she was staring at the same thing I was. I was about to open my mouth and ask who Mr. Fuckable was, when Rosalie spoke. Well, spoke and sighed at the same time. It sounded like she was trying to say "Wow," but couldn't quite get it out. I rolled my eyes, assuming she was looking at the guy I had already in my head nicknamed Mine. Did I feel a Cat Fight coming on?

But when I followed her gaze to the group of people gathered around the hot red convertible in front of us, I noticed she was not, after all, looking at Mine. She was staring at the two guys standing next to him, her eyes darting back and forth between them as if she couldn't decide which of them she wanted to look at more. Both of the guys were tall, though beyond that they couldn't have possibley looked more opposite. The blonde was the prettier of the two, and seemed more at ease with the world. He was staring calmly out into the distance, a slight smile on his face, a taking a drag of his cigarette. The other one had bronze-colored hair and piercing green eyes, and was definitely more dangerous looking than the first. Normally I would have liked that fact; danger makes things hotter. But there was also a shiftiness about him, and I felt anxious just looking at him. Despite his gorgeous looks, you could tell he was uncomfortable in his own skin, and I, personally, couldn't wait to look away from his pained expression. Rosalie was another story. I could almost feel the wetness in her panties. I slapped her hard on the arm.

"Ow! What the fuck?!" She glared at me.

"Bitch, you should be thanking me. Did you really want to have to explain to Emmett why you were eye fucking those douches over there?" I smirked as realization dawned in her eyes.

"God. Emmett." She laughed and rolled her eyes at the same time. "Do you think it's too late to leave him at home?"

"Er, yeah, you cunt. Whatever you were thinking about those two pieces over there, just forget it." I hesitated momentarily and then just blurted it out. Might as well get it over with.

"So.. Erm.. Who's the blonde?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. It might've worked too, if I hadn't bit down on my lip so hard I nearly drew blood. Rosalie, that bitch, errupted into giggles.

"Ew, you have got to be kidding me," she managed to choke out, "That's my loser cousin. Jasper." She looked over at him and shuddered slightly. I almost socked her.

Leave it to Rosalie to criticize the Hottest Piece of Ass I'd Ever Laid Eyes On. Just as I as about to open my mouth and argue with her over what I knew would be a losing battle (he was, after all, her cousin... It would be a little creepy if she thought he was hot), Emmett came bounding back over to the Jeep.

"Are you bitches still in the car?" he asked incredulously, smiling widely to let us know his use of the term "bitch" was not meant as a bad thing. I still glared at him, but I resumed my wrestling with the piece-of-shit-belt.

"Obviously, fucktard," I retorted as I finally freed myself from the confines of my woven prison. I reached up to the bar of the Jeep overhead and pulled myself from my sititng postion, and then hopped off the side of the Jeep and turned and looked expectantly at Rose. She did the same, and with one last lustful glance at the hotties around the convertible, we hurried off to the bathroom.

I waited until I was in the stall to resume my fantasizing about Mine.. er, I guess that since Rosalie no longer wanted him I could call him Jasper. God he was fucking hot.

I know I said this story wouldn't be a fairy tale.. but if it was, he would definitely be my Prince-fucking-Charming.


When Rosalie and I emerged from the bathroom, our newly-glossed lips shined while our newly-powdered skin didn't. I felt an annoying tickle in my stomach as Rose and I walked toward the convertible, and I knew it was butterflies. What the fuck? What am I, some dumb little schoolgirl cunt? I took a deep breath and forced the bitchiest smirk I could muster onto my face. No way was I letting that piece, sexy as he was, get the better of me.

As we approached the group surrounding the car, I finally noticed the fourth member of their party, the one I hadn't seen before. She was just as sexy as the other three, but as she was a girl, I simply wasn't as interested. Still, I felt myself get a little hotter in the panties as I stared at her beautiful face. She was pale, with short dark hair and the most piercingly beautiful caramel eyes I had ever fucking seen. This bitch could give Roaslie and me a run for our money. Fuckin whore, I thought, but I couldn't help smiling at her.

"Hi!" she exclaimed brightly as she bounced over to me and Rose. The closer she got, the shorter I realized she was. "Ha!," I thought, "She's a fucking midget." But in my mind I was thinking pixie, and to my dismay, I quickly realized I was going to love this girl. She radiated happiness and sincerity in waves.

"Since you must be Rosalie," she looked over at Rosalie with a slightly jealous and apprehensive look that I was all-too-familiar with, being Rose's best friend and all, "You must be Bella." She turned those piercing eyes and 100-watt smile on me, and it was all I could do to keep from replacing my bitchy smirk with a big, cheesy grin just like hers. Her smile faltered a little as she took in my smirk, and my expression softened. Just a bit. Much as I wanted to drop the cunt act and hug this adorable girl, I had to make a first impression on this hot pack of man-candy. Gotta show 'em who's boss, I thought grimly, or this trip will be unbearable.

"Yes, I'm Bella," I answered when Rose didn't say anything. I looked over and rolled my eyes when I noticed that Rosalie was now locked in a make-out session with Emmett. I almost busted a gut trying not to laugh when I saw she was peeking over his shoulder, every so often, to check if the two guys she'd eye-fucked were watching. That is why Rosalie is my girl, I thought affectionately, then turned back to the sexy pixie standing in front of me. "And that whore over there is Rosalie," I confirmed, smiling so the tiny girl knew I said what I did with pure love in my heart.

"I'm Alice," the little girl stuck her hand out, and I took it, smiling at her with sincerity for just a millisecond. Her hand was cold to the touch, and I almost recoiled a bit, but stopped myself. I finally allowed my hungry gaze to rest on the three fucking beautiful men she was traveling with, and it was as if Alice read my mind. "I know," she answered, "Unfair, isn't it? Imagine how I felt, being the only source of pussy in the car with them for the last hundred miles." She laughed and I couldn't help notice how musical her voice was. I giggled in response. I knew I was going to love this girl.

"Yeah, I don't know how you managed to keep your clothes on," I said quietly, so as not to allow the guys to hear. Guys like that already have egos as big as Montana, and I was not about to give them the fucking satisfaction.

"I didn't," she breathed, smiling wickedly. Did I mention I was going to love this girl?

"Fuck," I said enviously, "I just hope you didn't fuck the one I want. I might have to hate you, which is going to be hard. You're so... musical."

Alice laughed at the puzzlement in my voice over the way I'd just described her. Apparently, she didn't think the description was that fucking weird. OK, I thought, steeling myself to hate the cunt who so obviously fucked Mine, I mean, Jasper, when she amended.

"I didn't fuck Jasper. Although he's a hottie," her eyes glazed over for a second and I seethed..."But he's one of my exes best friends." Exes? I look at her with a question in my eyes. She understood, and nodded toward the guy with the bronze hair and pained expression. "That's Edward. He and I used to go out, now we just.. fuck every once and awhile," she finished, shrugging her shoulders at me as if to say "Fuck it, why the hell not?"

"For real, girl..." I murmured silently, as I took Edward in. Despite the anxiousness that had put me off in the first place, I could certainly admire his sex appeal. I'd fuck, I thought casually, and turned back to Alice. "So who's the otherblonde?"

Alice smiled at my use of the word "other," as if Jasper was the only blonde allowed to exist.

"That's Carlisle," she answered, " Edward's older brother." I nodded slightly, thinking. I supposed there should have been recognition on my face but fuck it if I could remember when Rosalie had told me their names.

"I guess we should go introduce ourselves..?" I wondered aloud, looking back at Rosalie in disgust. She was still making out with Emmett, but more in earnest now. One of his hands was tangled in her hair, the other on her ass, and I noticed that she wasn't peeking out at Edward or Carlisle anymore. Apparently, Emmett's face-sucking was holding her interest.

"I'll break that shit up," I said to Alice, heading over to them and yanking them apart. I laughed at the expressions that momentarily crossed their faces as they realized where they were, and what they had been doing. They both looked a bit disoriented, and their lips were swollen. Before they could protest, I cut in.

"Look, you fucking whorebags, it's time to go be polite and say hi to our new friends." I smirked at them and turned on my heels, determined to introduce myself to that oh-so-sexy man.