PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who is SICK of the normal, cliché, WTF IS THIS fanfics that everyone hates, but somehow, they get the most reviews and are most commonly written. Prego Bella, suicide Bella, emo Bella, what-if-Edward-never-came-back-in-New-Moon Bella, dead Bella, insane Bella… don't even get me started on the Edward or Jacob crap.
So, doing my civil duty as a cynical, sarcastic, blatantly rude writer, I'm going to make fun of them. I would dearly like to make fun of the horrible writing skills, spelling, grammar, etcetera of them, but, being a sane and literate writer, I would have to amputate my hands and burn my laptop after. So I'll do my best with my style of writing.
And if you are one of THOSE writers, who can't spell, type, or find the 'shift' key, then here's a message for you:
KISS THIS, YOU BEAN-BRAINED COW SNOTS! -makes a series of obscene hand gestures-
Ahem… on with the story!
Bella jumped to her feet and stumbled to get the phone, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She'd fallen asleep on Jacob's couch, again, across Jacob's bare chest. Having conveniently forgotten about Edward two days ago, she'd promptly assigned Jacob the chore of being her boyfriend. Jacob, being a happy, chipper, nothing-gets-me-down sucker, agreed instantly. They'd kissed, then ran the bases in quick succession.
"Hello?" Bella said into the phone.
"Bella?" It was Sam's worried voice that spoke between loud kisses with Emily. Of course he kissed Emily on the phone. They kissed everywhere. He was Sam, after all. He didn't have sex, though. That was left to Bella and Jacob.
"What's, like, going on?" Bella said, somehow knowing that something was wrong.
"Jared-," slurp, "just came across," slurp, groan, "a trail. We," slurp, "think it's from the," moan, slurp, "red-head," slurp, slurp, "leech."
"What?!? Vickie? Oh noes!" Bella cried. She dropped the phone and ran to Jacob, who'd woken up and heard the whole conversation.
"Bella, my little shnookie-pie, I'll keep you safe," he said, hugging her.
"No, you won't! I'm scared! What do I do?!?" she sobbed into his chest. She pulled away and suddenly had a knife in her hand. She raised it to stab it into her heart, sobbing dramatically.
"Noooo! Bella!" Jacob shouted uselessly. It would have been far more helpful if he'd pulled the knife away, which he could have easily with his werewolf reflexes, but he decided to shout instead.
Too late. The knife plunged into her chest, and she screamed, fainting. Jacob fell to his knees, crying over her body, and the door smashed open.
Victoria stood in the doorway, her hair rippling in a non-existent wind, wearing a tight leather outfit that looked like it was straight off 'Charlie's Angels'. She had heavy black makeup, and fangs that protruded from her mouth down past her chin.
"Blood! I crave blood!" she moaned like a zombie, even though she was a vampire, not a zombie. It was a wonder she could speak around the enormous fangs that shouldn't exist.
"No! Stay away from her!" Jacob shouted, useless again, instead of phasing and fighting her until the rest of the pack could get there.
Victoria's feet lifted off the ground and she spread her arms, which suddenly had skin flaps like a bat, and glided across the floor to Bella, staying aloft without beating her wing-arms. She dropped down, flipped her hair out of the way while still managing to thrust her chest out, and seductively bit Bella in the throat, starting to drink her blood.
Jacob grabbed her shoulders and threw her off. She screamed like a banshee and flew off, cursing Jacob's name even though he hadn't even defeated her.
"I'll get you, if it's the last thing I do!" she screeched before departing. Jacob smiled at her.
"Shaken, not stirred," he said. He put his hand on Bella's wrist and started counting. Somehow, the pulse told him that she was going to turn into a vampire, and exactly how he knew this remains to be seen. Or not.
Two months later
"Bella, love of my life, will you marry me even though you are a vampire, and it pains my nose to merely get near you, and you have to fight back vomit when you get near me from the scent, and we both have to fight down instincts that make us want to kill each other?" Jacob whispered, kneeling at Bella's feet, his hair blowing in the wind, his white shirt hanging unbuttoned, and bare-foot.
Bella stood at the edge of the cliff, wearing a white, silky, long, modest-but-sexy gown which rippled in the breeze. She nodded, tears leaking out of her eyes, even though vampires can't technically cry. But she cried anyway, maybe because the fire of their love made her turn her back on rules of physics. Or maybe because she forgot to read 'The Official Field Guide to Being a Vampire'.
"Yes, Jakie-poo, I will marry you," she said, rhyming. At least she'd read 'The Official Field Guide to Impossible Marriage Responses.' Jacob slid the ring on her pale, icy finger, and kissed her on the lips. She wrapped her arms around him, and pulled him backward off the cliff, kissing.
End of the first book of Ridiculology, Twilight Edition.
Please review, tell me what you think! Was it cliché enough? Next time, I think I'm going to do 'You're WHAT?!?', about Prego Bella! ;)