Author's Note: A brief list-type oneshot. Written because everybody likes to pick on Snape and first years. :) Enjoy, everyone!
THE CARE AND HANDLING OF PROFESSOR SNAPE
A Twenty-Five-Point Guide for First Years
1) Always address him by his preferred title, "Professor Snivellus."
2) Compliment him on the stunning shine of his hair.
3) Emulate his choice of wardrobe whenever possible.
4) Ask him for help with every step of your potion; there is nothing Professor Snivellus loves like the chance to assist a young learner.
5) Request a referral to his tattoo artist.
6) Ask him if it's true that Harry Potter taught him Occlumency.
7) Present him with an autographed Colin Creevey photo of Harry Potter for his birthday.
8) Inquire as to whether his animagus form is a bat.
9) Inquire as to whether his maternal grandmother was a bat.
10) Introduce yourself as Sirius James. These are Professor Snivellus' two most favorite names. If female, introduce yourself as Lily James.
11) Ask him to teach you the Levicorpus spell. It brings up all his fondest memories.
12) Enlist his support for a Gryffindor-Slytherin Reconciliation Dinner, to be co-hosted by himself and Harry Potter. Professor Snivellus is a passionate advocate of inter-house unity.
13) Nominate him for the Association of Nonhuman Magical Creatures' Wizard of the Year Award for his excellent working relationship with werewolves.
14) Ask him to speak at the annual S.P.E.W. House Elf Appreciation Banquet.
15) During breakfast on the morning of October 12th, propose a toast in honor of his and Professor Trelawney's ten-year anniversary. He'll be touched.
16) Always write your essays with each line on a separate piece of parchment. Professor Snivellus is very particular.
17) Include a quote from Ronald Weasley in every essay you write; Professor Snivellus considers Mr. Weasley to be a young wizard of singular wisdom and eloquence.
18) Gush regularly.
19) While brewing, hum "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love." Professor Snivellus encourages singing as a proven technique for boosting potion quality. Plus he really likes Celestina Warbeck.
20) Ask him about the time he narrowly escaped being eaten by a werewolf. Professor Snivellus deeply enjoys telling this story.
21) Ask detailed questions about each point and sub-point of the lecture; this proves to Professor Snivellus that you are an attentive student.
22) Object to his instructions for brewing Anti-Bundimun Serum, saying that you think Gilderoy Lockhart's directions in Guide to Household Pests are better. Professor Snivellus admires the plucky, widely-read student.
23) Be able to recite the textbook definitions and uses of bezoars and asphodel forwards, backwards, and sideways in English, Chinese, and Latin.
24) Just before the very first lecture, eagerly ask if you're going to learn how to bottle fame, brew glory, and stopper death. Professor Snivellus greatly appreciates students who wax poetic.
25) Keep your wand handy at all times.