Inspired by larrythestapler (whom I am pushing to write an Ouran fanfic as well!!!). She once remarked: "Kyouya would make a creepy boyfriend." THUS A CRAPPY FICLET HAS BEEN BORN.

No pairings really. Embrace the gen! (Or should I say crack?) I apologize for any OOCness that might occur…

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.


If Kyouya thought about it, it had all started with one harmless little comment.

Then again, knowing that little comment came from the Hitachiin twins, maybe it hadn't been intended to be harmless after all.

It was a slow and rainy day, and the host club hours crawled by leisurely after the clients had left. Kyouya typed quietly on his laptop as the other members resumed their usual afterschool activities of eating cake, clearing away the furniture in the music room, or curling up in a ball in their corner of woe after Haruhi remarked something in her typical blunt manner.

(The usual, of course.)

Maybe it was then, in the midst of boredom, the twins decided to put an end to redundancy and start a thought-provoking discussion:

"Hey, Haruhi."


The girl raised an eyebrow. They had leaned over closer to her, their hands cupping the side of their mouths to cover whispers that were obviously loud and exaggerated anyway. The redheads pressed closer for more emphasis on their upcoming question, but Haruhi looked disinterested either way.

"We've been deliberating over this for a while, but…" Kaoru said, and left the next line to be spoken from Hikaru, "… don't you think Kyouya would make a creepy boyfriend?"

But instead of the brunette opening her mouth, it was actually Tamaki who was the first to react. He stopped drawing droopy circles with his finger in the corner and immediately twisted his head towards the classmate trio.

"What?" the king asked incredulously, his voice almost like a hissy whisper.

But as for Haruhi, the girl had stared down at the two, her expressiofn unmoved. "Are you guys really that bored?"

"Just think about it!" Hikaru raised a finger and brought his eyebrows together. "Kyouya is famous in the host club for his brain and wits. He's always writing in that notebook, collecting data, every single tidbit of information he finds…"

With that, Kaoru supplied more evidence for their conjecture. "Remember all the pictures of us in the Host Club photobooks? We never remembered when exactly those pictures were taken, now did we? And the photographs of you from middle school, Haruhi, he had offered them as a prize when we held that contest at the beach! Where could he have gotten them from?"


Tamaki was now sprawled over their table, interrupting the twins from scooting any closer to Haruhi. He blasted their eardrums with screeches of his own, yelling, "How can you even consider him as a stalker like that?! Kyouya isn't that type of guy! He isn't!!"

By this time the seniors of the host club started looming towards the clump of boys and boy-like girl in curiosity of what all the uproar was about. The twins used this as an opportunity to guide the crowd in their own Hitachiin Inner Mind Theatre.

"Why don't you all just picture it, then? What he would do if he was a boyfriend?" Hikaru suggested, a smirk playing on his lips.

Kaoru's eyelashes flitted softly as his eyes drooped down, murmuring soothingly, "Yes, just close your eyes, and imagine…"

And that was exactly what they did. Tamaki clamped his eyes shut, wrinkling his forehead in concentration of picturing the impossible scene of his best friend as a stalker boyfriend. Honey shrugged and ate cake with his eyes closed, and Mori followed. Haruhi was reluctant to join, but eventually did when she gawked around and noticed everybody's eyes were closed.

Her exasperated sigh was the only thing heard before the silence.

A few seconds passed, and the six members popped their eyes wide open with a collective GASP.

"I saw Kyo-chan taking pictures!" Honey exclaimed as he waved a fork in the air.

"M-Me too…" Haruhi muttered, "And typing something on his laptop… but, then again, he does that all the time…"

A dark cloud formed over their heads as they listened to Haruhi. Yes, he did these sorts of things all the time. And for some reason, that very fact made their stomachs churn even more.

"You do all realize I can hear you, right?"

Kyouya had finally spoken, having typed on his laptop the whole time listening to his friends' disturbing gossips about him. They whipped their heads at the shadow king and he could feel their paranoid eyes ogling him, as each boy and girl wondered what it was exactly the cool type was writing. But nonetheless, he knew the latest scandals (that they made up on their own, lest they forgot) would eventually die down.

There was just one certain person he wasn't so sure about.

Tamaki slammed his hands on the table unnecessarily and stood up. "I've had enough of all this foolishness! You should be ashamed to call yourselves hosts. I know for a fact, deep in my heart," he clasped a hand over his chest, "that Kyouya is not that kind of guy!"

Hikaru and Kaoru started stifling their snickers from the idiocy of their king, but with a toss of a hand Kaoru assured, "We were just kidding around, Boss. Of course Kyouya-senpai wouldn't do those things."

Tamaki lashed his head at the two. "I SAID KYOUYA IS NOT THAT KIND OF GUY!"

The sudden yell startled even the twins. They both blinked, wordless for a moment, until Hikaru replied, "Uh. Yeah, Boss. That's what we just said."

The room turned silent as Tamaki stood and slowly processed the information in his head. Finally, he spoke.

"Oh. Well, good."

The rest of the host club members exchanged odd glances with each other, but Tamaki didn't notice as he quietly sauntered over to Kyouya.

"Kyouya, you wouldn't do those things, would you?" he asked, peeking from behind his friend's head to see what the shadow king was typing.

"Of course not."

He saved his document as the blonde sighed a breath of relief. And with a shut of a laptop, he concluded, "I'm obviously not like you at all."

This time Tamaki started yelling to defend his own self, screeching something along the lines of what was that supposed to mean, as the twins found a new way to cure their boredom by turning the creepy boyfriend question onto their king (like they should have in the first place, really). The rest of the afternoon ended normally, with Haruhi rolling her eyes at the hopelessness of her entire high school life, Honey eating the last batch of the cake supply (for today), Mori having not spoken a single word except 'ah' and 'yeah', and Tamaki being the brunt of cruel jokes from Hikaru and Kaoru.

(The usual, of course.)

But of course, Kyouya should have suspected that though the afternoons could end normally, it didn't mean the nights would be the same either.


At first, when the spectacled student discovered the giant mess of overturned papers and book stacks scattered over the floor when he came back home, the first person he suspected was Fuyumi.

But she stood where she was, keeping herself near the doorframe and away from her brother and what looked like a hurricane ran over in his room.

"Tamaki came over earlier today. You weren't home yet, so I let him stay in your room," she said, her voice brimmed with worry. "It was going fine until a few minutes later he stormed out of there and left the house. He seemed really upset as he was leaving…"

Kyouya's face took on a pondering air as he studied the chaos in his room. The texts lying near his feet were just normal medical books for studies, and his papers were only schoolwork. He had also printed a chart of all the designation rates and earnings for their host club, but the fees were going by smoothly and Tamaki wouldn't act distressed even if they were bankrupt.

How odd. There was nothing in the house that could've possibly offended the boy, so what made him leave? (And more importantly, how could he use it again to make him leave more often?)

Fuyumi bit her lip and glanced up at Kyouya anxiously. "Do you think he'll be okay?"

"Probably. He's most likely in another one of those mood swings." The black-haired boy shook his head. "For now, I just have to focus on how he's going to make up for this mess."

But as the older woman watched her brother try to organize his things back together, she knew, deep down, he was concerned for Tamaki too.

(… Well, maybe not.)

He finally decided to call the idiot later that night after he received numerous calls to his cell phone, and each time after answering, a 'click' was heard and then a dial tone. It could've been a prank call, he acknowledged, but one: no one messed with an Ootori, two: Tamaki was the only person who even had the time to excessively call him, and three: all caller IDs pointed to Suoh.

Kyouya took a seat in his chair and tapped a finger on the table as he waited for the host club president to pick up.


The finger tapping stopped as he replied, "Hello, Tamaki."

"Oh. It's just you." Tamaki's tone immediately went down from the usual brightly-voiced prince to a strange, disinterested receiver. "What do you want?" he asked coldly, perhaps more than he intended to.

But Kyouya was better at playing the cool type, and he returned the frosty remarks. "That's my question. Why have you been calling and hanging up this past hour, Tamaki? And what's the reason for the whole mess you made in my room?"

"What? What's this? Aren't I your friend? Is it really so wrong to look around your room?" Tamaki asked, his erratic questions turning into dramatic ramblings that Kyouya found reminiscent to Japanese dramas the king often watched and became teary at.

"… Or is it because you have a deep, dark secret that must be hidden from the rest of the world?!"

Kyouya blinked at the sudden accusation. He thought over this carefully. Did he have secrets? Maybe. None that would particularly shock his friend into this shaky state of mind right now, however. None that could be discovered by sifting through his room, anyway.

Wait. Did Tamaki open his notebook?

"Too speechless? That's right, you should be. I saw it, Kyouya. I saw everything."

No, that couldn't be it. He had carried his notebook around even before he came back home.

"What're you talking about, Tamaki?" Kyouya asked, growing weary of their incomprehensible conversation already.

"Don't play dumb with me! I know what you did!" Tamaki took a sharp breath before yelling, "YOU TOOK NAKED PICTURES OF HARUHI!!!"

Kyouya had to pull his head away from the receiver's screeches before tucking the cell phone back to his ear again. He looked back at his empty room to see if Fuyumi or any of his brothers were home, wondering if the blonde's screams had been heard echoing throughout the walls (because knowing Tamaki, it certainly could), and then turned back to his table.

"I honestly have no idea what you're saying," he spoke lowly, "but it's evident that your unfounded delusions have obviously hallucinated your reality."

"Oh, so I'm the crazy psycho here?" Tamaki sputtered. "Why don't you tell that to the contents inside your drawer! Bottom left, bottom left!"

The spectacled boy sighed and reluctantly did as he was told, pulling the bottom left drawer out. He leaned over and peered down at piles of white crumpled paper and strange red marks that were scattered over the wrinkly sheets.

"I see old tissue with some blood on it," he said.

"That's mine! Dig deeper!"

Kyouya wrinkled his nose and lightly tapped the tissues away into a corner of the storage box until there were finally photos peeking from below the unsanitary heaps. He recognized the familiar auburn hair and raised an eyebrow, fishing the pictures off of the Tamaki-germ-infested sheets.

… It was Haruhi, alright. He gawked at the familiar photographs of her taking a bath, the soap dripping down her bare shoulders and an innocent smile plastered over her face, and the memory of these photos sunk back to the shadow king's mind. He groaned as Tamaki continued his raging over the phone. For once, Tamaki was right. And for once, Kyouya was wrong. Caught being wrong, if it could get any worse, and he was certain that it'd take more than just a private police army to make Tamaki let this go.

"I… I just can't believe you, Kyouya. The twins, I'd expect, but you? Never!"

Kyouya rolled his eyes. If the idiot really had believed him, he wouldn't have gone through all that trouble to visit his house, pry through his room, and invade his privacy. It seemed that of all people, and through all the big, flashy words the blonde had proclaimed earlier, it was actually he himself who was most suspicious of the integrity of Kyouya's 'romantic relationships'.

"Tamaki," he spoke, and tried to explain everything to the hysterical boy, but—

"No! Don't even bother to make excuses! It'll only hurt me more." Kyouya noticed the sound of sniffing at the other end of the phone. Was he actually crying?

"If you had those feelings for Haruhi, fine. But this is an entirely different matter! You call yourself Haruhi's parent, but that's just a way to mask your more-than-parentally affections for her, isn't it?!"


"No, Kyouya, listen to me. You're… not really Haruhi's mother, you know? You must be very confused. But do you really think any normal parent would ogle their own daughter's naked pictures?! No matter how, how adorably cute she is…"

There was a few seconds of silence which Kyouya assumed the other phone line had gone off in some pleasing daydream.


"Huh?! Oh, right. Where was I?!"

"You were yelling at me for owning pictures of Haruhi. But," he took advantage of the king's momentary spacing out to point out, "you do realize that these are baby pictures of her, don't you?"

Kyouya looked back down at the collection of Haruhi photos. Her two-year-old self happily played with a rubber duck in the small commoners' bathtub as the soap suds veiled her whole body waist down (thus covering the parts any normal person would deem 'inappropriate', much less for a small baby).

"Pfft. Of course I did. What, did you expect me to be some sort of idiot?" Tamaki scoffed. "But no, I'm actually quite smart enough to figure you out. Baby pictures may seem cute and innocent to look at, but on the contrary it actually proves more of your creepy feelings toward Haruhi! After all, who would be the person responsible for taking those pictures of her?!"

… Yes, he was an idiot.


"At first I thought Haruhi had sent those pictures to you because you two were in a secret and poignant romantic relationship," the boy continued to interrupt, "but that idea seemed too ridiculous, so I formed a more rational explanation!"


"The real reason you have those pictures was because you were so engrossed in your obsession for Haruhi that you used your brains for evil and created a time machine that sent you back to the past so you could take however many pictures of her you wanted!"

"Tamaki," Kyouya repeated for the millionth time, a vein popping in his head.

"How dare you call yourself a parent of Haruhi's! You're just lying to yourself about your feelings! No man should ever gaze upon a woman's body so inappropriately! Do you hear that, Kyouya?! You pervert! You sicko! YOU FREAK WITH A FAMILY-ACT-TO-DISGUISE-YOUR-MORE-THAN-PLATONIC-FEELINGS COMPLEX!"

"TAMAKI."This time, his words were sharp, heavy like steel, and cut any remaining words Tamaki had to say. The shadow king inhaled a long breath and let it hiss out slowly. Tamaki had froze on the other end and finally waited for the rest of Kyouya's response.

Kyouya spoke with careful and paced words, and yet his tenor felt like a knife.

"I never took any pictures of Haruhi, nor did I invent any time machine to do so. A few days ago Ranka sent me these pictures – and no, I never asked for them, either. He just wanted to gush about how cute she was when she was a baby. I've been meaning to mail the pictures back but never had the time to."


"… Oh."

More silence.

Kyouya hadn't heard that wonderful lack of sound for so long. Appreciating the stillness while it lasted, the spectacled boy pulled out an envelope to send back all the pictures before any more trouble could be caused. As he pasted a stamp in the corner, Tamaki spoke up again.

"Well in that case, can I have the pictures? Daddy wants to see his cute little Haruhi and her ducky too, you know!" The blonde began giggling over the phone in a rather disturbing way.


"… Hello? Are you there, Kyouya? Helloooooo?"


Author's Note: Well, that was… enlightening. I meant this to be more focused on Kyouya, but Tamaki ended up hogging the limelight with his eccentrics and all.

What do you think? Let's have a vote! Who would make the creepier boyfriend: Kyouya or Tamaki? (My vote is on Kyouya. I still think he'd be stalker-like and keep close tabs on the 'lucky' girl and such. Sorry Kyouya fans.) But if you think it's Tamaki, I totally understand. I mean, we all know how he is.

Anyways, thanks for reading! (And… enjoying? Maybe? I don't know.)