Disclaimer: ok, this goes for the whole fic cos i usually forget and i dont want anyone reading this FANfic to get the wrong idea, i dont own Criminal Minds. Obviously. If i did i think i'd be able to afford broadband.


Their Christmas Candle

"Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something you don't mind so much not having at other times." - Kate L. Bosher

The clear liquid reflects his haunted, shadowed gaze. Distorted. Everything is distorted. Nothing appears normal in his eyes anymore. The previously solid, sturdy walls of his apartment - of his life - seem to waver around him like coral in a current as he lies prone on the floor. His bed, the doorways leading out of this place, the monochrome calendar on the wall; they're all moving out of sync. Life is crumbling. After all that's happened it's hard to believe that he could ever be normal again. He wonder's if it will be possible. He dearly hopes so. He used to like his life.

Now it's a struggle. A constant battle. He likes to think it's a battle. Because in battles there are casualties. And he's always liked to keep his options open. He would rather think it a hard uphill struggle, a fight, because that way if he fails at least he's tried. And that will count for something.

If he admits it's simply a failure - a temptation - and he gives in... He doesn't think he can handle being weak. His eyes stare back at him accusingly as they float and wave insubstantially in the clear liquid. He loses sight of himself as his eyes drift upwards, finding a floating number overhead. 25. His calendar doesn't celebrate the box holding the two figures, or their significance. Christmas is just like any other day. Just another box of nothing. Just like the eleven between now and then. Not long now, he thinks absently. It seems irrelevant. It all does as he lies miserably alone on the carpet.

He used to like his life. Now it's a battle. One he's not sure he wants to win.

xxx

My first CM fic... ahh! :) Didnt want to do badly but i guess with a first fic its inevitable... or its just me :) - either way let me know what you think? Its all written and will be updated once a day 'til christmas :) (yup, first christmas fic and its a depressing series of too-long drabbles on Reid's habit... im a bundle of laughs huh :) just hope i didnt do too badly :) -- oh, and there will be a plot... promise :) thanks for reading :)

have fun x