Disclaimer: You'd have to be a very silly person to mistake me for a Japanese man who writes manga for a living and is the actual owner of Naruto.
Summary: Why teaching a class of young, would-be ninjas is every teacher's nightmare. Dedicated to poor, long-suffering Iruka.
Author's Note: The title for this fic popped into my head one day, and I just knew I had to write something to fit it. That's my only defense. :P Dedicated to all the teachers out there, who really do suffer through about as much as Iruka does...
Ninja Pirates from the Planet Jupiter
"Ahem. 'My History Report' by Uzumaki Naruto. Konoha was founded about twenty years ago by ninja pirates from the planet Jupiter."
"What? That's not right at all!" Sakura exclaimed at the top of her lungs.
"Sakura, please," Iruka intervened wearily. "Naruto: That's not right at a—"
"The ninja pirates had to leave the planet Jupiter because there was a big explosion that blew up the whole planet," Naruto rushed on, ignoring them both. "It was so powerful, it's still blowing up today. That's what the sun is."
"Th-That's ridiculous!" Sakura sputtered.
Naruto stuck his tongue out at her. "The ninja pirates escaped the super-powerful explosion in spaceships fuelled by ramen. Ramen is the best source of energy in the known universe, so that's why the ninja pirates used it. That's why it's still the best food in the whole world today."
"Well, that part is true…" Chouji interjected thoughtfully.
"It is not!" Ino screeched at him.
"Children, please!" Iruka dashed over to break up the oncoming fight.
Naruto continued happily at the front of the room. "The ninja pirates in their ramen-powered spaceships flew to Earth, 'cept when they got here they found out that the planet was being attacked by robot dinosaurs. All the ninjas on Earth were too weak to beat the robot dinosaurs. Like Uchiha there."
"Hey!" Sasuke had been staring bored off into space until that sentence was uttered.
"Since the Uchiha Clan were such total wimps, the ninja pirates from the planet Jupiter totally had to save their sorry asses."
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Moron…" he growled menacingly.
Behind him, Kiba snickered.
"Iruka-sensei! Iruka-sensei!" Sakura waved her hand wildly in the air. "Naruto swore! And insulted Sasuke-kun!"
Iruka was still holding back a squirming Ino who was trying to whack Chouji over the head. "Naruto," he warned, "that's a week's worth of detention…"
Sakura beamed in Sasuke's direction.
Sasuke was already too busy staring bored off into space to even notice her.
Sakura's expression fell.
"So the ninja pirates fought the giant robot dinosaurs, using their rocket packs. And lasers. 'Cept the giant robot dinosaurs were working with the mutant radioactive squids, and mutant radioactive squids are totally immune to rocket packs and lasers, as everyone knows."
Ino stopped struggling long enough to blink in that horror. "Is that true?" she demanded in a pitch that make Iruka's eardrums ring. "Iruka-sensei, this isn't going to be on the test, is it?"
"Of course it's not." Shikamaru didn't even lift his head up from where it rested on his folded arms on the desk. "He's just making it all up." Having settled that, he returned to his nap.
"Like you would even know!" Ino exclaimed.
Shikamaru mumbled sleepily into his elbow.
"But the ninja pirates from Jupiter were totally awesome, so they made up the bestest jutsu ever to defeat the giant robot dinosaurs and the mutant radioactive squids. And to show how much stronger and cooler they were than the Uchihas," Naruto persisted.
"Hn," Sasuke snorted.
"Their super-powerful jutsu took hundreds of years to master, and was powered entirely by ramen, just like their spaceships."
"Ooh, ooh! Because ramen is the most powerful fuel in the universe, right?" Kiba beamed at finally having figured something out in class.
"No, it's not!" Sakura insisted, fists clenched with rage. "Naruto, stop ruining class!"
Kiba sulked and, when Sakura's back was turned again, stuck out his tongue at her.
Beside him, Shino snorted with what might have been amusement. Either that, or one of his bugs had landed on his nose and tickled him.
"Kiba's totally right," Naruto insisted stubbornly. "So one day, when the super-powerful jutsu was revealed, the pirate ninjas from the planet Jupiter used it on the mutant radioactive squids. And it was so powerful they blew up in a huge explosion that created a crater as big as the moon. But then it rained and water filled it up, which is how the ocean was created."
"Makes sense!" Kiba gave Naruto's a thumb's up.
"Then the rocket packs and lasers beat up the giant robot dinosaurs. And everyone was sooo happy that the ninja pirates saved Earth that they made them a village, and that's how Konoha was founded," Naruto concluded. "And, in honor of their super-powerful jutsu, the ninja pirates named it the Uzumaki Naruto no Jutsu, because that's the awesomest name ever."
"Idiot." Sasuke scowled at him. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Shut up, Uchiha," Kiba retorted. "You're just pissed because you didn't know that."
"Tch." Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"No, no!" Sakura insisted stubbornly. "Sasuke-kun's right, and Naruto is wrong!"
"Naruto…" Iruka had finally gotten Ino settled down and seated back in her chair. With that problem solved, he could now turn his attention to the agent of chaos that had hijacked his classroom.
Naruto let out a terrified 'eep!' sound. "And that's why I'm going to be Hokage some day, and I'm way better than Sasuke, and Sakura-chan should totally date me!" he finished at lightning speed before throwing his paper up in the air as a distraction and running for his life.
"Naruto!" Iruka yelled after him and chased him right out the door.
The rest of the class just sat and blinked.
And then, suddenly, Hinata started to clap.
All eyes turned instantly to her. Her face flushed a dark pink color, and she abruptly stopped.
"B-But…" Kiba scratched his head, "was it true?"
"And how much of it will be on the test?" Ino panicked.
"I've heard of the planet Jupiter, so it must be true!" Chouji insisted.
"None of it's true! If it was, Iruka-sensei would've told us," Sakura insisted, although she sounded less sure of herself than before.
"Hn," Sasuke sulked.
They were saved at that moment by the return of their teacher, who carried a now bound and gagged Naruto over his shoulder. With a vaguely evil smile on his face, Iruka shoved Naruto back into his seat where he would no longer be able to disturb the class. He returned to the front of the room.
"Now," Iruka said, "will someone who actually did the homework give their report?"
A series of gulps echoed around the classroom.
"Anyone?" Iruka asked hopefully.
Many a furtive pair of eyes avoided looking at him.
"I-I didn't know the part about the mutant radioactive squids!" Ino confessed, blushing with embarrassment.
"Or the ramen-powered spaceships!" Chouji agreed.
"I didn't even know there were ninja pirates from the planet Jupiter!" Kiba half-sobbed.
"Naruto was lying about being named after the Uzumaki Naruto no Jutsu, right, Iruka-sensei?" Sakura looked mildly nervous.
"No robot dinosaurs could ever beat the Uchiha Clan…" Sasuke muttered under his breath, although he was looking curiously to Iruka for confirmation, too.
"Uh-huh!" Naruto managed to mumble through his gag.
The entire class turned to Iruka in horrified unison. "Iruka-sensei!" they all screeched in chorus.
Iruka winced. Sometimes he really hated his job.
And no way in hell was he ever assigning oral history reports again.
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