A/N: I should state that this ShizNat one-shot is not my usual overly romantic one-shots like 'More than fine'. However, the romance is still there. This one-shot is quite dark in some aspects, there are also a lot of dark and sexual connotations so be mindful about that. There's a list of things you need to know to avoid confusion if you want this story to run smoothly. The asterisk (*) is to represent the change of point of view. The dash (-) is to represent the same point of view just that the time of when the speaker speaking is just different. The insert of the horizontal ruler is the point of view from Sergay. The first POV in this story is Natsuki and then followed by Shizuru, the two alternate views after every asterisk. Then, I will not bother until the end.
Then again, cheers!
Pale hands, a whitening bony face, long shady hair and deathly terrifying eyes. I curse,
'Die! Die! Die!'
I heave a big breath and let it all out, pointing a daring finger,
'I want you dead!'
I see a smile crack onto her face and I laugh. My hands around the sink tighten till I feel the strain in my forearms, my legs start to quiver and I look back into the terrifying eyes in front of me. I see the smirk cross her face. The faucet is left running and the clear water is flowing so smoothly down into the pipe below. I take a good look again and I smash my head into the mirror,
'I want you dead.'
I pull back with a grin and I could feel the prickle on my face and the trickle of liquid. They are the harbinger of my consequences and I look up again to look at the cracked and partly shattered mirror. My ashen white face is distorted and I see blood running down my forehead and I stick my tongue out. Taste copper before? You should try. Then it strikes me like the Titans, my nerves are stimulated and I suddenly feel the pain. My skin of my face pulls into agony and I see her from the reflection of the mirror, gnashing my white teeth together, I throw a comment,
'You look better!'
I snigger, yes…so much better. I feel a tickle at my chin and I jerk my head down. Down the drop of blood goes, splattering onto the white sink with the running water. I focus onto how the swirls of red form as it slowly gets itself washed away. Then I strain my neck up and I eye my bloody head in the cracking mirror,
'I like red swirls.'
I paused as I looked down at the sink to find the red blood getting washed away quickly,
'I want more!'
I threw my head at the mirror and I heard someone scream from behind me. I should have locked the bloody door.
I turned my head to the side and looked at the equally ugly white walls. I had four white walls looking at me; they use to be red…why are they now white? I hang my head and look at the straps at my chest, I couldn't really breath properly. I tried raising my arms, damn it, they tied it too tight this time. I snorted and my nerves at my face were stimulated again and I feel the facial skin strain. I gnashed my teeth together again; I could have gotten her dead if that stupid woman didn't have to use the toilet. I have to change my venue, I have to think again. I flexed my abdomen and I flipped up and I heard a voice from above. Ah, looks like that goddam impersonator of God is here again.
'Dinner is being served.'
I look up angrily; I'm sure their going to drug me again, like always to get me complying towards them. I won't be fooled, I would not be lured, and I would have her killed soon. I stare at the dark small square window in the ceiling, I know there was someone always watching me, and I know I'm inside a black box. I not so easily fooled, I've escaped this room before, and I can do it again. Soon. The glass is pulled open and I kick at the cushion underneath my feet, I see a hand carrying a tray over the window and I jump, despite knowing that I cannot reach the ceiling. I feel my hand twitch at my sides and I'm still unable to lift them. They tie them always to tight. I growl at the person above and I hear a comment,
'Sorry, but it seems that I'm at the wrong place.'
I feel the cloth around my forehead tighten and my face prickles again. I stare at the hand with the food and I soon see it move away from the window and it shuts with a click and a turn of the lock. I can pick that lock, I can do it again. I kick at the cushion again and my feet start to look red. My eyes widen and I laugh out loud, my voice resonating within this white room. Tonight I will see red again. Tonight, I will see her dead.
'I'm sorry Miss. However this room is off limits.'
I look to my right at the lad dressed in a lab coat and I slowly raise my brows,
He gives me an uncertain nod and raises his hand up to block me from going any further. Politely, his states,
'Miss, I'm afraid that Mister Sergay, under his authority, has apparently labelled this room as off limits.'
He paused and gulps as he does,
'Under rule 42.2…'
I stop him with my raised hand,
'I will talk to Mister Sergay.'
He passed me quick nod and gestured me down back the way we came from. The walls of the corridor were always white, my eyes were starting to see double, this illusion must be changed. I adjust my brown coat and I heard my boots click on the metal flooring, I always wonder why only this level has to be made cleanly out of metal, whether in, out or in-between. I must get to the bottom of this. Soon I will. Suddenly, I hear the siren go off and around me I see the flashing of red. Ah, how tight this place is, or how…should I say, repressed? Oppressed? This place is? The lad beside me starts to fidget wildly and he starts to stammer as the staff dressed exactly like him start to run out of the rooms along the corridor…to the room I had just been 'rejected' from. He grabs my wrist and pulls me, on my high boots I give out an ungraceful grunt. He turns instantly and on top of the hurried and fearful voices engulfing us, he stammers,
'I'm sorry Miss, but we have to leave this place immediately.'
I yank back my hands and he gasps at my action. I look at the people running pass me to the place I had just come from,
Someone runs right into me and I catch sight onto his brown eyes that quivered in fear. I stumble to the ground after the man regains his balance and continues without apology. The lad reaches down to help me up, fear evident in his eyes. Another man runs pass me as I get myself up, my ears pick up this ever continuous mantra.
'Oh, the willow red. Oh, the hollow red. Oh, the colour of no red.'
I sensed the trepidation around grow and the lad yanks me by the wrist again. This time I do not retaliate, I question,
I found myself staring right into her eyes. Those mesmerising emerald eyes that seem ever so alive…I want them to look just at me. I run my fingers across the smooth film of the photograph, hoping that what I see is not something out from my imagination. I'm bewildered by this girl, I'm captivated by her…I digress. My eyes pick up a cough from opposite me and I look up slowly. His voice is calm and collected, his voice traced with a tinge of disappointment, he addresses me,
'I'm sure you're now quite aware of why I have to label that room off limits to all staff.'
I hold the photograph in my hands as if it was something so dear to me. I take a quick look at those eyes and I was compelled to object, politely and gracefully in all cases,
'Sergay, I'm positively sure that I'm not aware.'
His face was pulled into a sheet and I urged him to answer,
'Please. Do tell.'
The room went quiet for quite some time until he took notice that I was looking dearly at the clean photograph of this beautiful girl. His voice was still calm and collected; however, I could read that his well-made façade was breaking,
'You're not making this anymore easier.'
I looked ridiculed and I reluctantly slipped the photograph back onto his dusted office table, I stated firmly,
'Sergay, I do not just waltz in to say hi.' I caught a flash of disapproval in his eyes, 'And surely I was not just called in to say hello either.'
His lips thinned and he finally gave out a held breath. Under the tension of my scrutinising gaze, he looked away and pushed off his chair to make his way to a sleek metal casing lined along with so many others on the shelf nearby. His voice strained,
'You have my apologies. However, I cannot guarantee a carved road.'
'I take the road less taken.'
He stopped before a case and turned to look back at me, fear finally etched onto his smooth face,
'There is no road.'
I looked at my feet and I looked back up at the blinding light above me. How blinding this infuriated place can be, how foolish these people are. Soon, I would have her killed and I would be free from this monstrous hell hole. My skins at my limbs are in strain and my toes are under a burning sensation. I should have kicked harder and pressed a little bit longer, then would my masterpiece of red be finished with absolute grandeur. My mouth is covered with a strap and my chest once again constricted by the white vest they lock me up in constantly. My body is certainly tied to a cold surface, flat and horizontal. I'm infuriated, they never learn, I have gotten out of these, I can do it again. The prickling stops suddenly and a wave of immense pain runs up my legs, my feet are now numb and I blink at the white light above me. I hate white…
I want no red, but red.
I hear voices nearby and I jerk my head to the source and my eyes meet the same face the impersonator of this God. His rectangular face is tight and his mouth pursed into a thin line, I'm impressed, he always comes to me with a smile. Something must have gotten to him, times are finally changing. I feel the skin on my face prickle and I now I'm grinning. The bandages at my head have gone loose due to the struggle I had to put with, I can feel the cuts on my head, soon she'll be dead. I watch him walk closer to me and as the seconds tick, I feel somewhat suppressed by this force that was coming with him.
I can no longer feel the strain upon my face. Why am I in grim?
Suddenly a wave of nausea hits me and I start a fit of cough, loud and rough and then I hear the most intoxicatingly sweet voice, it made me sick in the gut. However, I felt as if a primal beast had been let loose within me and it was eating me up. I felt weak. The rich voice came from beside God and I narrowed my eyes at him, he had someone with him. It sounded again,
'I'm enthralled by her presence.'
I let loose an uncontrolled growl and another wave of nausea hits me. I feel my body burn in a fiery sensation and I feel my skin become wet with my perspiration, I'm at a lost. Why am I losing control of my body that desire what I desire? It does not listen to the thought of clenching my teeth together or to my thoughts of my hands tightening and not. My nerves seem to have broken, however then why can I still blink and hear the strum of my heart and the eyes looking over to the red that have seem to materialise out of nowhere.
There was red. Why was there red in front of me?
I let loose of loud hysterical growl and the gag over my mouth suffocates me, I feel even weaker. The burning sensation within the pit of my body doubles and I get smothered by the same intoxicating voice,
'She is not as feral as you described.'
I let my eyes roll in their sockets and I watch a haze of blinding white light kill my vision; there was red, there was red. I caught sight onto the red, I had not noticed how my neck was turned and strained to the side to look at the red. They were getting nearer with God, there was red… My body suddenly shook violently and my skin prickled with apprehension and fear. The pain had yet to subdue and I was getting weaker and weaker at God's every step with this unknown companion of his. There was red, there was red when I have not even gone for a strike to kill her yet. My plans of soon… Pain throbbed like the AV node within my system and I gagged again, when I looked even deeper into the red. They were endless and my eyes prickled with something so uncertain to my life.
I was gone.
I awoke to find myself vomiting on the white cushion beneath me. I saw nothing but the sticky lucent substance that lolled off my chin and the edges of my mouth. My hands were at my stomach and I pulled back to find that I had my intestinal juices over my hair. Screw it. My vision was impaired for a while until I gained back focus onto the small window in the ceiling. I turned my head slowly, I was feeling groggy and my eyes found the same white walls that were once washed with red. Red…There was red. Always had red. I realised that my chest was not constricted and my hands were free at my sides, my feet were bound with the soft and tight bandages… They had unstrapped me. Was this some joke? I felt another wave of nausea rounding the bends of my body and I was seized by a current of strong tidings that pulled my body to the ground. I convulsed in the same immense burning pain and I let out a loud choke and I vomited again. My head was in spins and my vision back to impair. I need to see red. Red, red, the same red I saw…last night? This morning? I have no sense of time, I never had.
My joints were aching in inhumane pain and I pulled at them with my hands. It was striking and piercing, it was tugging and twisting. I knotted inside and I clutched tightly onto my knees as I threw my head back at the jolt that ran into my head. My jaw was sore and I could hear the chattering of my own teeth. My eyes rolled and I caught sight onto a period of darkness before white took its toll. Then, I saw red.
I saw red.
Deep red that I recalled looking so deeply into. I was drowning in stings that I screamed in agony and heard my twisted voice bounce off the four walls. I threw into a vomit and my abdomen burned along with my throat and nose. My eyes were starting to water and I noticed how human I was getting. My arms failed and I jerked my heavy head up and saw red again. However this time, I saw purple along with it. Then I rammed my head to the white cushion beneath me and I pulled at my hair, I wanted this wreck to leave. I wanted this pain to leave, I wanted her dead. Without her, I knew I wouldn't be in this shit hole.
I wanted red.
My body was now soaked with my own filth and I pulled at my clothes and grabbed at my tensed muscles. I screamed in pain as another wave of nausea hit me. I caught sight onto purple and red, this time it was closer than before and I gnawed at the feeling that something was kicking me in the gut. I bit onto my tongue and I drew red once again, however this time, I was weaker. Not now, but soon. I will have her dead. I will have this pain leave; I will see more red than ever.
I looked up again, once I knew I was lying in the pool of lucent vomit I had created in the last few minutes. This time I saw the deep red appear right above me, but I saw locks of fair brown and then purple. I was trembling in weakness and I could barely move to try to touch the red. I heave a foul breath and I saw the red move away, but within my view.
It was my red.
I felt something warm press against my prickling face skin and I saw nothing but no red after that.
'Miss, this room is off limits.'
I looked at a blue eyed staff that had well trimmed hair and I took a side step to the door and held the handle,
'This is now my room.'
He grabbed me hard by the arm and held me, his eyes narrowing,
'Under rule 42.2…'
'I am not trespassing.'
I was shocked I had to raise my voice in such a controllable situation; it seemed that I had lost my patience so easily, these few days. I passed him a cold glance but he still held strong onto me. I could feel his fingernails at the edge of scratching, his voice lower and colder,
'You are to report to Mister Sergay this instant.'
Now for this room, Mister Sergay reports to me. I pull my arm back from him forcefully and I push the handle of the thick metal door down, his eyes widen at the very moment and he raises his voice too loud for a gentleman,
'You are clearly violating the rules! You…'
'You can leave now.'
I pushed the door open with my body weight and I nodded my head towards Sergay that stood by the man. I did not look back, but I heard fast steps walking away from behind me and I allowed the door to slam shut. I was greeted by grey metal walls and I saw a lone white figure standing in the near middle of the room, his head cast downwards onto the floor and then suddenly back to meet mine. I saw a flash of his white teeth and I walked gracefully towards him. As I neared, he gestured to the small window on the floor that stood a foot away from his feet,
'She's been restless lately.'
I gathered my skirt from the back and lowered myself onto the cold ground and looked through the small window, his voice continued,
'Thank God. Her fits have stopped for an hour or so. I don't think it will come until the next meal is served.'
I looked at him after noticing that all I saw again was white, I added in amuse,
'It will never come until I leave the premise.'
He gave me a surprised look and I tapped my chin in thought. I walked over to the white desk at the far side of the room and took hold onto the keys that lay idle on the top. I gave it a chink and he laughed when I returned with it,
'Getting bold aren't you?'
I gave him a coy smile under the dim lighting and he chuckled when I found the key hole near the small window,
'Let God be with you. I wouldn't want to be in your place.'
I slid the key in and twisted the lock undone and gave him a genuine smile,
'Actually, you would want to be me.'
She caught me with ease when I allowed my body to drop from the latch. This time she caught me with much ease that I thought I was a feather that floated in the air. I always looked back up at the latch that I dropped through and noticed how far I had to drop to end up in her arms. The small window that looked into her black box was dark, no wonder why she could nothing but feel my presence. She knew that someone was there, she told me once cleanly with annoyance and I was impressed by her sharp senses.
I had thought that she would be a bit weaker than usual, but it seemed that she was in tip-top condition. Her arms had her usual firm grip around my torso and legs while her breathing was strong and stable. I was impressed, she was a lot much weaker yesterday, and even how her guard in duty complained how much she had vomited this morning. Evening was near but she showed no signs of tiredness, she had no sense of time, now I wonder how she knows when to sleep. She carried me with perfect ease across from where I dropped to the small bed that I had order to be placed inside her black box, in the far corner. As she neared to the bed, I looked up at her solid green eyes that glowed with an unknown emotion. I had never seen her look so alive. She caught my stare and I passed her a small smile, she looked back up and walked even faster.
Gently putting me down onto the edge of the bed in a sitting position, she backed away slightly and pulled over to the wall where she stood languidly. My nose picked up the strong foul stench of vomit and I couldn't help but scrunch up nose to show my displeasure. I know that I had been in here a number of times, but it seemed that this time it just pulled my stopper off. She held me expression in a brief glance and she let out a grunt that echoed in the still, yet ironically well ventilated room,
'I was given cheese this morning.'
I stifled a laugh with my hand to my mouth and allowed the amusement to twinkle in my eyes. She turned away quickly at my features and gave out a huff of breath. She had been so easy to tease these few days, it seems that breaking her insanity was easier than what Sergay had thought. I picked up her strong breathing from where she stood and looked into the white surroundings of her black box. How black can this place be? When all I can ever see is white. I'm disgusted by this fact. I held her gaze that had returned back to me and I found every second growing more intense than the next.
I shivered at the first sensation when I was first tackled by her. I had never ever had such a rough and somewhat disgustingly pleasant introduction with anyone but her. Her rough and rich voice broke me out of that particular sensation, that I felt an unknown need to fulfil that desire. Her voice echoed,
'How long is this session?'
I looked innocently at her and tapped a finger on my chin,
'Ah. For as long as you want it to be.'
She passed a look towards me and I felt as if I was stripped from head to toe. I gave into the tremble she wanted to see and I saw her smirk,
'I have already long known what you are here for.'
I crossed my legs and traced my cheeks down to my lips and I found her staring at me more intensely than our previous sessions. I knew she looked only at my crimson eyes for the red she loved so dearly, but I wasn't here to satisfy her needs of finding red, but the answer to her most intriguing hatred towards this mysterious girl and her passion towards finding no red. I was compelled to find my answers, but I needed her first to settle down in a state that she had given absolute trust to me. I knew I was cruel to cage her like that, but after these few sessions, I felt myself being locked up in this cage I had built only for her.
I found myself being attracted to her, like how I am to her mesmerising eyes of viridian emerald green and how she is to my crimson red. I was pulled to her unusual rationalistic attitude and her endearing charm. I was caught easily, or even faster than she was to me. That I cannot know, but I knew we were both falling in together. How romantic… living in the purgatory of love, caught in the limbo between the furies of lust and the requiems of worship. Ah, How? I was not even to be at this very point of emotion. However, this feeling I cannot shrug.
This is something I've been wanting.
I was broken out of my reverie and I had found her leaning into me and her breath already at my neck. I purred in utmost delight when I felt a hand run down my navel, she was bolder than I thought. She was tamer when I first acknowledged… if I could tame her in such a short period, then how would it be before long…? I heaved my chest and with a hot breath I tempted the devil.
I drew the first red from her when I first met her. My introduction was rough, but I knew she was enjoying it. I tackled her when her feet touch the white cushion; she was lowered down from the latch and I saw the same red that I knew were mine. Those red pools that I could just drown in forever. I wanted to take her eyes out when I saw how red they were, however her presence itself was so overwhelming that I was compelled not to do so. I was dragged in like a vacuum into her sole existence, she played no charm then, she was no seducer, and she was an innocent little lady walking right into a demon's den. How inhumane for God to do so. I was tamed that instance, no, I was not. I was tamed the moment I saw her eyes when I was in the room of blinding lights. I knew that instance that it was her, her eyes that glowed made those nausea waves calm down in a snap and my pain jolts cease to exist. I was thrilled at how my body could react so simply to her and how I was actually so easily baited into her hands like fish out of water.
However, I was confused.
She could make me calm and tame while on the other hand make me feel wild and insane. I was disturbed by the fact that her sole presence can also make a bad wave of miasma cover over head and send pulsating electricity down my nerves. She could bring hell and heaven to me. Was she angel or devil? God or Lucifer? I digress. Yet, I realised that the nauseas only started when I remembered how I first was lost under those blinding lights with those beautiful red eyes. Was she the cause?
I digress again.
I gave her a rough and yet utmost pleasant introduction, that the guards of my black box were called in to prevent further action. I was just welcoming her so to speak, a beauty cannot be left unattended, especially when she carried the brightest and darkest of red. I had her pulled flushed against my body by the time she had even looked up after she had gotten her footing. My mouth had gone for her full pink lips that I had the sudden desire to claim. My hands had gone low and shot up her skirt that went immediately for her knickers to be pulled down. I was quite aware of what was happening, I didn't want it to stop, for those red eyes went a shade darker that I was fuelled even more by this unknown force to have her pleased by only me. I will see more red. I will have my red.
I will have no red, but red.
I had already slipped my fingers in at her entrance of her vagina and I was certainly encouraged when felt a hump on my fingers and a surge of hot breath against my cheek. Her hands were already gripped at my shoulder and then I felt a brush across my cheeks and saw hazy red.
God, the red.
Then I was jerked back and I let loose a loud growl that shook the guards that had sent the vest around my chest and to my mouth. I wanted to struggle but once I saw her recover from my unique greeting to her only, I stopped and let my body fall to the white cushion beneath, I could smell my vomit from where I lay away from the corner and the smell of her sex. I was aroused so easily that I shivered in then the wave of nausea that had been holding from the very moment I saw her enter to till now rushed over me.
I vomited into the mouth gag and I felt choked and suffocated as the thick liquid rushed around my face. I saw red widen and the next thing I had lost sight of red again. I woke to her voice beside me and my head throbbed in annoyance, from then, I had her under me. Wait…or was I under her. This appalling thing has entered my life, yet she is full of my desired red. I am lost for the third time. Then my life becomes so inhuman. My plan that seeks revenge becomes so futile with her around that I even forgot my initial plan. My plan of soon. There was no soon with her, how…? Then I digress… once again.
I could sense her like a radar, whether she was in the premises or not. She was here, she was there, she was anywhere in this shithole. I was able to do it easily, my body made sure of it. My nausea died down immediately when she was in the premises, it went like a cycle; how she came when my third meal was just served an hour ago. Then again after a period of nine hours and same again after my third meal. I had no sense of time, but how the time flew in my black box, I was the sandman in my own world of boxes. I needed no hour glass.
Yet I am confused once again.
Wasn't I the one that was using her to find my time? Am I now not the sandman of this black box but her?
I digress. This is making me more inhuman.
I caught her like always when she dropped herself through the latch. She smelled as intoxicating as ever, her voice as too. Her eyes as red as I wanted it to be. I wanted her then, I want her now.
I will have my no red, but red.
She did not retaliate, she did not flinch, and she did not jerk. She did not. She welcomed me like how she welcomed me in my stimulating introduction. Her red darkened and I saw her pink lips turn up into a devious smile. I gave out an uncontrollable growl and I slid my hand down faster than I could have imagined. I had her knickers pushed to the side and my fingers ready at the entrance. Her breathing was already fast and erratic and my body had turned tensed for some reason. I was filled with desire that I shuddered and pulled her in to allow my fingers to slide in smoothly. Oh hell, she was dripping with arousal that I felt her hands leave her sides to run through my long hair. My fingers felt a squeeze around them and I helped out a breath that was stuck in my chest. Her chest was pushed into mine and I could feel her nipples hard. Her hips were starting to rock…
I had stopped thinking.
I pulled my fingers out quickly and I jumped back away from her. I saw red roll back down from her pleasure, the urge came back, the desire, and however I was compelled to push myself away. Something was not proceeding in my nature. Her rapid breathing had returned to normal and she closed her parted legs with a gasp and I took a step back away from my bed. My eyes focussed on her for a little while and I saw a flicker of disappointment behind my red. I let loose a heated breath and then a tidal wave of nausea rushed over me. It was unpredicted and it was unexpectedly harsh.
I threw my head forward and my stomached crunched. My saliva mixed with my digested meal was thrown at my feet, the remains gathered at my nose and the ends of my mouth. I felt weak again. My body surged in pain and needles pierced through my body, my skin at my face and feet prickled. Shit. Why was this happening to me when she was here? I screamed and shut my eyes to the red that had widened at my violently trembling figure. I heard an inhale of worry and I soon felt a warm sensation course from my shoulder. Why was this even happening to me? I kept my eyes closed and in the darkness of my enclosed world I saw a girl with white a face staring straight at me. Her hair was shady, dark and long. Her eyes terrifyingly green and her smile sickly sweet. Her…
I want her dead.
I lost all control of my limbs at that moment and I failed my arms high into the air of tension. My eyes saw nothing but white, red was just a flurry, and brown just in a glimpse. My body constricted in utmost pain and horror that I tore out into the pain stricken atmosphere of my black box. I wanted her dead, I wanted her dead, I wanted her dead. Without her, my life would be now in peace. Without her, I wouldn't be locked up in this shithole. Without her, there will be no…
My plan of soon came back faster than how my red beauty tamed me. Yes there was sexual tension and intimacy induced in our sessions, but I realised how my plan of murder was stretching confidence… it's far more important. Gradually when the pain slowly subsided, I realised how I would still be able to gain my no red, but red. Two birds with one stone, I'm eager to execute. Yet again, I wanted her red. I desired them, she was mine, she was already mine. Those swirling pools of red that drowned me every time I resurfaced from utter pleasure and satisfaction.
I flopped back down onto the white cushion and I felt the warm moist vomit stain onto my back. I must have thrown up a lot to be able to allow such thick substance to flow behind me. My vision hazed with red and my plan to proceed in getting out was underway. I wanted her dead, I wanted her dead.
The impaired vision of mine was corrected when I felt a warm caress that started from the roots of my hair and down to my cheek. It was soothing and relaxing. I sighed in content and I heard a sigh of relief from my red that had knelt beside me. I could pick up her ever so intoxicating scent. The smell of her sex was still strong and I was beginning to tense up again. Her presence was the gatekeeper of my turmoil, my beast, my sole existence of why I was becoming so inhuman. I could focus onto the red that lulled me to the darkest depths of our intimacy that she had built within these sessions that I had only started…
A week or two maybe. I desire, I lust, I love her.
Then, do I really know why is she was here for? Did I then realise that that was a lie that I had fabricated to conceal my real fear of why she was here. Then again, I ask again…Why was she here for? She was dropped in with orders from our little impersonator, God. That was what the guards tell me when they drop my meals in. I never asked more. I noticed how trapped I was with this red of mine. I was only waiting for her…then I was no more the sandman of this black box.
I closed my eyes when I noticed a small smile eased into her face. I was somewhat satisfied with what I saw. I'm intrigued. Back into my world of darkness, I saw nothing but darkness that engulfed me in every corner…was there even a corner? I was getting afraid for some reason. I was never afraid…or was I? I gave off a small grunt at my discordance, why was I questioning myself suddenly. I never once questioned myself. Then my mind drifted quickly to my plan of soon. I will execute…or to terminate?
My plan of soon? I wanted her dead…yes dead.
Then, once again, I realised was this all part of a lie?
Just a well fabricated illusion to keep… to keep what?
I kept quiet at the remark he passed to me. I looked at the cup of hot tea that steamed in front of me and the thick brown file that was pressed down neatly nearby. He gave off a laughed when he took notice of my silent demeanour. He rounded the coffee table and finally took a seat across me. I disliked talking to the backs of people. I looked at the deep scar that was etched in the middle of his eye brows, his forehead showing telltales of wrinkles of his tough work in his office. He must be very happy from the result of my stay. He eyed my top and then to my loosely tied hair. He smirked and his calm voice expressed his happiness,
'I can see that she likes it rough.'
I felt my neck sting and I realised that the bite she had given to me before I left had shown up earlier than what I had thought. I passed him an amused look and he waved it away. He interlinked his hands on the table and gestured to the brown file and grinned,
'As you can see, she has made remarkable progress.'
I looked darkly at him and he certainly noticed my change in mood. He gave into a gulp and it was fast that I could see cold sweat run down his temple. I leaned back into the metal chair, and looked at the soft movement that floated on the surface of my tea. My voice came out a lot harsher than I wanted to,
'How long have you stopped the medication?'
He looked away from my steady gaze and adjusted the odd tie that he tied around his neck. He gulped again and he gave me a forced smile and turned to avoid answering, I knew something I was not suppose to know,
'Ah, her symptoms have become less frequent haven't they?'
'Sergay, do not avoid my question.' I stated firmly. However, he seemed to have ignored my question fully, he continued his act of ignorance,
'Her fever has become much sporadic, her complains of feeling weak and sore have…'
'Do not avoid my question.'
I raised my voice a little higher than my usual grace and caught his eyes in a glare. He shivered involuntarily and he gulped deeply before leaning forward into a half bow in his seated form. I looked at his fading coloured hair, he stammered,
'For 6 months I believe.'
I felt my chest tighten and constrict in pain. It was no laughing matter. This beautiful girl…was she some kind of guinea pig? No she wasn't, she was someone to be saved. That was why she was brought in here. To be saved from her insanity and now, a new fact for me too, in hope that she too realise the disease that was eating her up alive. Her distress, in a blink, became my distress. I was already so deeply attached to her, this road that I was carving for her…for the both of us cannot go undone. The both of us had made it so far, I cannot just have her fail on me. I could feel a dark emotion swell within my body at the lack of response he was giving me. He was to help save her; he was to try his best to pull her out of this misery. To allow her to love herself like she once did. That why I was called in to help? I do not just waltz in.
However what has he done?
I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath in. I saw him flinch at my action and he muttered,
'She has already long passed her prime.'
I grew even angrier at his words. He had already long given up on her. Then why, why did he call me in? To see me fall into pity? To mock at how I was unable to help save someone when the responsibly was strewn across the floor like sand. He did not even inform of her fatal disease. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted him to say to her how sorry he was for not trying to help. No wonder why he passed that her room was off limits to all but him. He never knew what to do, what to say, what to see into. Ah, the black box. He was stereotyping? I was furious at his pride, his ego that allowed his work to swallow in certain death. At least let this girl see light once more.
At least let this girl love, be loved.
I shot him a look and he backed down,
'There is no such thing as prime in this case.'
I saw him flinch and I continued harshly to prevent his weak protest,
'You do not play God for her.'
I found out how utterly pathetic she had been left.
I could be infected with her life consuming disease too. Let grace take care of it, I had gotten myself into a road that I have to continue to carve. I cannot give up now, not when she had been given up by him; I am disgusted by his behaviour. My intimacy is something I can take advantage of, but I cannot exploit it. I smiled at her meekly from where I sat upon the bed again while she cleaned herself up in the basin of water I had brought in here for her. Her hair looked mouldy and had lost its shine which I believed existed from the very photograph I saw before I met her. Her eyes were still gleaming but now with a hint of question that I never saw before. Her skin was worse, she had sores all over and she paler than usual. Her neck was swollen and her voice rough and huskier. However, her energy to stay up and walk around fascinated me at how she was able to move with such elegance after 6 months off medication.
The medication was taken out of her food. Her meals became infrequent and she cared less why for she never knew about her condition, or does she? I should ask. She moved away from the basin and walked over to me. I handed her a clean fresh towel and she weakly took it out of my hands. How weak was she now? She slopped onto the white cushion flooring and pulled her face into the warm towel. I heard her take in a deep breath and another. I was amused at her actions and cautiously asked her why she did so. My voice sounded tired but I strained it to show not. She lifted her head slowly from the towel and she took in another deep breath, muffled by the soft towel she uttered nonchalantly,
'It has your fragrance.'
I was sure I blushed as her eyes twinkled in content at my expression. The smell of vomit had become stronger now in her black box. I could see the patches of yellow and dirty green around the room. Her white clothes were stained badly, but she seemed not to even care. I wanted much to peel them off and make her don a clean set of clothes that matched her figure. I wanted her hair to shine again, her face to flush in the pink I use to see before she became so terribly pale. I wanted her eyes to glow in their wonderful colour. I wanted her to live.
However, I knew she had not long to learn to live and love.
I wanted to cry; nonetheless I steeled myself not to. I looked on at her as she hugged her knees and stared listlessly at me. I wanted to tell her about why her life was so twisted. I wanted to say that everything could start anew. Yet, I didn't want to tell her that she was going to die. I felt so useless all of a sudden. She was much sane these days, which was a yes. Yet, her words of killing this girl was getting more into a chant that spooked me out at times. Then there was her dream of no red but red that confused me to no end. How can there be red when she wanted no red? Was it some code? Was it the password to her life's secrets?
I'm starting to question more than I can answer. What has this girl done to me?
Meister Viola was much at my throat lately. Unfortunately, she hasn't been any happier either. I had no nerve to bother a Meister, she after all does not simply just waltz in to greet me, neither to sit and have a cup of tea nor to gracefully wander down the now steel encase corridors. I have never seen her in such distress ever since she had lost her father to a terrible fate that she did not know ever existed until after. Her beloved father was a fine and charming young man, however, little did she know that behind that pleasant façade of a well-respected man was a man of lust and desire. How fatal it was to strike him like a simple bite from a bug. He died just after the medication for keeping this death at bay was produced and used.
The caprice of Fates is something that even God can't outrun.
It was pity when Meister Viola finally found out what ate her father alive. She went to the extent of wanting to permanently make such behaviours to end instantly, however, she realised that such a task was impossible to accomplish for a large population was against such au natural desires, as so to speak. I was too a victim to see such terrible death happen before my eyes, however unlike Meister Viola, I experienced it another way.
My adopted daughter was a victim of this death, I did not know until I brought her to see the doctor. I was then informed and I was shaken. I thought her common colds and migraines were just of the bug that was going round. I did not know she was positive all along. She had sores all over her body, her throat was inflamed most of the time and she could barely lift her body up from the bed at times. I was most distraught at the sight of my only daughter falling ill to the later stages of this certain death. She began to throw up, and had waves of nausea hit her like tidal waves. I didn't know what to do, the medication was long not working, her immune system had long perished and I saw nothing but death itself on the bed.
I was at work when I received a phone call from the hospital I had her checked in. She died on the 7th of September, the day I had adopted her as my child. I had then resolved to spend my days wanting to help save such people falling into the same pit of death that my daughter fell into. I only never knew that I would face ever more turmoil. That was how I met with Meister Viola, the lady of the mansion that she allowed to be turned into a facility to save these souls from certain death. Death was certain for these people, but at least with medication, this dark horseman will be in bind. It could keep the side effects from surfacing frequently and further keep the insane beast from prowling out too early.
Meister Viola came and went, in and out of the mansion. She only came when I needed something terrible to be figured out, so I rarely saw her waltz in like a dancer. She went on journeys to spread the words and the lessons of meaning to the young, for the generation after us were in need to know about this certain death that comes so cleanly. It couldn't be stopped just like that or just with medication (or death would have been stopped so long ago), it had to be stopped by the behaviour of us human beings. Neglecting of how to see beyond our death was something that we as friends, I am disgusted. We question happily, who would care if we would die after age had come to claim us or illness take its' wings on us? A lot would say no one, but we always forget the people that love us. Our offspring would to bare the burden of our ghost if we were to do wrong and unable to clean. That was why this certain death was something that we had to kill, permanently… or else death will follow on to our beloved.
I had asked Meister Viola once was she infested with this death that people wanted to avoid. She said a calm no and asked the same of me. I, as a man of integrity, replied earnestly. We both laughed and we both continued our paths down the long road to stop this certain death that was killing so many people in clean swipes. She told me before she left that behaviour was of most importance. Yet I wondered, shouldn't she tell that to herself?
She was a flirt wasn't she?
Time came and went and I saw and released some of the people that came with foreboding that the dark horseman rode beside them. I gave the medication like how I would give money to charity. I couldn't give so much at one go, I too couldn't give so little. The people were given the choice to stay in the facility like mansion, for I knew that there were much ostracised by the public upon knowing that death lurked near them in a form so terrible. Most of them choose to stay and I was glad that they did, I could keep an eye on them and watch them progress further away from death.
However, in the end, I realised that death came for everyone…
I just didn't want them to die so early. My daughter could have grown up to become such a fine lady.
A fine evening came, and the sky was a shade much darker I had ever seen. Then someone came knocking on the door, I sent one of my assistants and he came back reporting a lady with her child had collapsed in front of the mansion. I was deeply troubled of why someone came so late at night to seek our services; then again, I was here to save. When morning came, the lady roused and she looked even more exhausted. Her child was still unconscious. They were of the same beauty and of the same looks. I had never seen mother and daughter look so alike.
She had the same sores, inflammation, and the side effects of the people that came to seek help. She was tested positive for death and I was shocked at how calm she was on her death bed. She was equally calm when she told me that her daughter too had the high chance of being tested positive, after all, her daughter was her and hers only. To her expectations, her daughter was too standing with the dark horseman. Oh, the terror of seeing such a lively face before death was something I couldn't stand to take. I wanted to call Meister Viola back for advice and consultation, however, the lady waved my suggestion away and said to leave her in peace.
Hearken! How can anyone be at peace when he himself was going to die a miserable death. I told her how her child would suffer from her selfishness, but she replied how selfish she already was, to pass certain death to her daughter at the time of birth. I was baffled and astonished as her collected self. Her daughter would live in remorse and distress, but that would happen I would tell her of her fate. I know that life would be better if I kept my mouth shut. So when the lady died at the tender age of 29, her daughter had just woken up from the deep slumber, not knowing why her mother had just left her.
I took this rebellious child under my wing and fed her the medication secretly through her food. She did not question much about the regular check ups I did on her. She looked so much like my daughter that I took her in special care. I did not inform anyone of her condition, I lied to everyone and that included Meister Viola. I was in guilt, but I wanted dearly to save this girl.
However, my attempt was futile.
I had found that she had sneaked into my office to find out what I worked as, I never talked so openly with her about my work. That was when she went insane. Her memories of her mother came back so quickly and the knowledge of her own body being eaten up by death wracked her senseless. She went into depression at first and then in an outburst she grew aggressive and suicidal. I couldn't control her just like I would to a normal person, unfortunately I had to take the extreme measures in vain to try to steel her back to humanity. I had to strap her up and put on restraints on her from lashing out, or even hurting herself. She usual tore through the room yelling how she wanted this girl dead now and how she wanted red and amusingly a senseless theory of having no red as well.
I found out that the girl that she wanted to kill was actually her mother, but she didn't know that every time she attempted, she was just trying to kill herself. She sadly had to look exactly like her mother, now the same beauty had its' bad side. I had to take out all mirrors from her room or anything that could reflect or create a reflection. She was growing insane everyday, and she was making me tenser every second. I had notions to call Meister Viola back, but I knew I would be the one in for the scolding for I kept my mouth shut from the time I should have opened my mouth.
Who was now the selfish one.
This girl had the somewhat passion and desire to have near her and she would always create something to get red. At thought if I would to please her, she would keep sane. However, she wanted even more that she grew more feral that I lost absolute control over her. The staff were afraid of her and I couldn't allow a word to creep out of the mansion that I was keeping an insane monster in a haven. I was willed to construct an underground room that had the height from the basement to the second floor. I had the corridors and flooring of the second level encased with strong metal and the underground room too. In there I made the interior of the room out of cushion as it was safe for her, so that she was unable to hurt herself. I knew that I was inhuman to do such things, but the level of her insanity was just too much for me to handle. Furthermore, with the dark horseman already galloping by her side, I was in a lot a saving to do for this girl.
I had my most trusted staff working on the level and keeping an eye on her. I then was the only one allowed to descend into the room, which she disturbingly called it the black box when everything inside was white. She had forgotten who I really was and what I was to her, she started calling me God, the impersonator. I was disgustingly disturbed by her nature and her behaviour, it wasn't the girl I knew, she had become a madwomen! She terrified me ever more when she bit into her own limbs to produce the red which she knew her blood could provide. How grotesque was it, she limbs were bleeding from wounds so frighteningly big and the white wall smeared with a masterpiece of death flowers. I was mostly on the urge of vomiting when the siren was let off on the second floor.
Then on, I had her in a strait jacket.
Her health was deteriorating badly with so much loss of blood from her frequent endeavours to find a way to attract and escape from her room. Her immune system was perishing at this rate, and I had to increase the dosage of her medication to keep her alive and away from death. Her insanity was now my main priority, I had to keep her sane, or else she would die not in the hands of the certain death but of the insanity that was chewing away her innocence. However, as the days and weeks passed, she grew more frighteningly eerie and spooky that she treated us like inhuman creatures. She would not eat, saying how it was apparently drugged to make her listen to us. I needed her badly to eat since the medication was placed inside. Yet she did not eat. She would not talk, saying how we would use it to torture her. Her mind was in turmoil and this was at my fault. I was in distress and I needed Meister Viola.
I called her up and told her it was an emergency. However, the mouth of mine did not tell her the truth again, I merely stated how I had taken in an insane person that was not positive, that now I needed the help to tame the girl. Meister Viola believed me and I was even more in the depths of guilt. I described the girl to her and I saw how attracted Meister Viola was to her. I was in luck when Meister Viola willingly to lend her services to save this girl from her insanity. The truth was still hidden, all then there was that I needed to wait. When the girl regained her sanity, then my saving could start. I had eased on the medications for 6 months, and realised that Meister Viola's presence was so overwhelming to the girl that I actually need not to feed her any medication to save her from death at the moment. For only a few sessions with Meister Viola, the girl was becoming more human than ever…however, her meals were yet to be touched.
I solely believed that my predicament was not always the best place for me to confide in, however, I still did. Her side effects started to come badly and it was in the forms of nauseas and vomiting. It was rare for a person with certain death which this passage of side effects. Usually it was others less harsh, but still harsh. I was hoping that Meister Viola would not find out the truth of this girl, however, it seemed I hoped to much as I was corner by an anger Meister. She seethed at how inhuman I was for not wanting to save this girl… I wanted to save her, but not when she was insane.
It wasn't the disease that was killing her, the insanity was.
'Oh, the willow red. Oh, the hollow red. Oh, the colour of no red.'
I continued the same line over and over again until her caress on my arm stopped and I opened my eyes to see my red looking distant. She suddenly looked down at me and I gave out a small cough that sent small ripples pain down my chest. I felt ever so weak. Her mouth moved and for some reason I could not hear anything that she was saying. Her voice sounded muffled and all I could somewhat make out was the questions of no red. My vision hazed for a minute of two and the silence ensued. I felt my body grow frighteningly cold and then the surge of warmth form her hand heated me once again. I was shaken from my weird episode and her voice suddenly could be heard from around me. Was I getting deaf?
She called my name repeatedly and her face carried worry. I was taken aback and tired in vain to lift my heavy head from the pillow. Upon finding out what I intended to do, she quickly laid a hand above my chest and softly pushed me back down onto the bed. Her eyes questioned my actions and I gave her the briefest smile. Her sweet voice then sounded around me and I was lulled into her arms,
'Can you tell me something?'
I gave out a long breath and I felt a shudder run through my body. Another wave of nausea struck me when her hand lifted off my chest; it was as if she was keeping me intact. Crumbling into the tidal wave of uneasiness, I sputtered a yes and a look of intense worry formed on her face. She moved her hand to my arm again and started her caress. I've never been so sensitive to her touches but I've realised how focussed I am on her. Something important has been drifting off my mind lately and I can't figure what. Her presence is so overwhelming that she has invaded my mind. She has killed all thoughts that all I could think was her. However, now and then, I would sharp and vivid thought of acquiring something. Something dense, something deep, something that everyone cannot run away from. I wanted something. Yet what was this something that called out at the back of my mind.
It seems that I have lost something that had resided in me for a period of time. Something that makes me ravishes the feeling of being superior. An intangible feeling of utmost power. Was this something that my mind was playing on me? Oh, the fabrication of lies that I was built upon. Ah? Lies? Was I living in a box of lies?
My ears pick up her voice calling for me again, and I realised that my eyes had closed and my body violently shaking in a crushing emotion. She pulled a lock of hair away from my face and traces down my cheek to my jaw. Her mouth parts again, and I'm lulled again,
'What exactly is no red?'
I kissed her on the lips and I moved down to kiss her knuckles. She sat in front of me; her lavender blouse was pooled around her waist and her brassiere loose on her shoulders. I leaned into her arms and she gave out a soft murmur of acknowledgement, never in my life have I felt so content. Her legs were around my waist and my arms holding tightly around hers. I wanted her to be with me, I wanted her to help me find this 'something' that I found important. I wanted to outlive this fabrication I had put up with everyone and unacceptably myself. My mind was screaming that I knew something, something that I had known long ago.
Ah…my plans of soon?
That girl that I sought after to kill, to murder…to have her dead. Was she dead already? Or was she dying. Her pale hands like mine, her white face like how I saw in my reflection in the basin water, her shady hair like my shade of midnight blue. Lastly her dead emerald eyes that showed nothing but anger and hatred…like mine.
Her lips kissed my forehead and all thoughts about this girl I wanted to kill flew out of my mind. Who was this girl again? She looked like me…yes, very much like me, but she was older, kind, warm…Wasn't she already dead? I caught strands of beautiful brown hair against my mouth and I kissed them. Her chest heaved and I felt body flush against mine. I looked up hesitantly and I caught sight onto the most deep and mesmerising red I had ever seen. Weren't these glowing pools of red labelled mine? I was ready to reach out and touch the surface of these pools when a haunting voice resonated in my head,
'I will have my no red, but red.'
My mind went blank all of a sudden.
What exactly is no red?
Her body was kept in the confines of her bed in the black box and I came to see her everyday. She was getting weaker and weaker as the days passed; she was getting ready for death perhaps. Her sanity had returned to her in bits and pieces but it seemed that the insanity had taken a big part of her life away that she can barely remember what this no red that she still spoke aloud was. Furthermore, the girl that she desired to kill earnestly was now something she wanted to decipher. I was shock at the change, she was becoming more and more like an ordinary girl trapped in a case of a lost soul. I was sure she had still to lock in the most important piece of why she was really here in the first place. It wasn't because she was mad…that was not why she was in this facility that I readily owned. Neither was she here to be left to die. She was here to be saved from the dark horseman that Sergay so promptly described it as. She cannot escape death, since death certainly comes to everyone, but she can escape death that comes from a source that can be stopped.
I know that I am not placing it in a proper sentence. However, at this moment, I am unable to speak coherently.
Our levels of intimacy were kept at a low profile ever since I realised that I was danger of getting the disease. Yet, I was compelled to let her learn that passion and love was there to let life live on. She grew slowly and opened slowly to my advance, I was sure she was as willingly at that time; insanity had robbed her of her innocence then. Lately, she had been attracted to me in a different way. A way that lust and desire are not in the equation. Her beautiful emerald eyes speak volumes of worship and adoration for me. She longs for me every time I live her room and she pulls me close as if there is no tomorrow. There is no rush in her action, just pure love that I had wanted to see so dearly to flourish in her. However I realise again that this love that she gives and receives from me cannot continue. She after is all is dying fast.
At least let her love and be loved.
That I am content.
'A willow tree droops, like a dying old man. Yet the willow is alive despite the fact that it looks dead. Therefore the red said with the willow is to represent the life despite in the face of death.'
I looked at her as she lay sprawled on the carpet floor of one of the many guest rooms of this 'mansion'. Her face was turned up to the ceiling, her eyes closed, and her lips dry and cracking. Her body was thin and lanky in the new set of clothes I had gotten for her. Her arms were like of bamboo and her ribs could be seen from under the light shirt. Her cheek bones were visible…how long has she not eaten. How does she not want to eat? Her low and rough voice catches my attention again, I realise how sane she has become in order to speak so coherently. In addition, to explain to me the sentence that she too herself questioned,
'When something is said to be hollow, the object represents a void, something empty, vacant and unfilled. When red is said with hollow, it is to represent that life still lives in things that are empty and blank. For example, how a human can have expressions of happiness and joy when they themselves know that they are suffering.'
She pursed her lips together as she finished the sentence and I stared long at her and realised how smart she was able to pull the words together and form them into something sensible. She kept her eyes closed when I walked over to her from the chair I sat on. Lowering myself onto my knees, I gazed at her up close,
'No is something to represent negativity, Yes, on the other hand is to represent positivity. Let us, for now see red as a colour and not the representation of life. When I put No with red, it literally means I don't want red, hence or otherwise, I want either the colour black or white, since red derives solely from the hues of these to colours.'
She paused after that and took in a deep breath. Her face went into a colour that matched the colour of paper; I knew something a gnawing away in her body. I set an assuring hand on her forehead and found out how much she had been perspiring. She passed me a smile behind closed eyes and I returned one despite the fact she couldn't see at the moment. Her husky voice continued,
'When the verse 'Oh, the colour of no red.' is said, one can see that red is not the colour wanted but black. Since no represents negativity, white is out of the question. Therefore, one is simply referring to black. Back again to the previous lines where red is referred to life….When I have stated the red as life in my previous lines, most likely the red I am referring to in the last line will be life too. When no, representing negativity, is place with red, then what one is asking for is death. Hence the line simply represents the longing of death. The colour of death.'
She opened her eyes at the moment and I felt that I had released a tear from my eyes. She looked at me solemnly and after a few seconds when my tears just streamed down my face, she smiled.
Oh, the willow red. Oh, the hollow red. Oh, the colour of no red.
Meister Viola caught me overhearing her conversation with a beautiful lady I had never seen before. Her hair was brighter than that of a flame and eye so refined from the ore of amethyst. I caught the main topic of setting a gala in the mansion. They talked about how grand it will be and how all the guest that will be invited will be from all over the world. However, by the time they went over to the part of organising some awareness campaign, Meister Viola was holding the door open for me to enter. The lady wasn't introduced to me as she promptly excused herself from the room at the sight of my arrival.
Meister Viola told me about the gala she was to hold in the mansion and was aware that I had heard it all along from outside. I was wracked with more guilt. She told me that all the people that are staying in the mansion are invited and that included the girl that she had brought back from insanity. Sadly, the girl does not remember me. She was moved out form her black box a week ago and the black box reconstructed back into a proper room. I remember how guilty I felt when I watched the steel being taken out from the corridors. The girl was then moved to a guest room located far in the west wing of the mansion, near to Meister Viola's room. Then again, I realised how close the girl is to Meister Viola.
Meister Viola told me how everyone is to dress up in their finest attire, if they had not the money to get, and then she was welcome to help these unfortunate souls. Come again, I see how kind hearted she really is. She does not just waltz in to see and inspect, she does so much more. She informed me that the main objective of the gala is to allow the people of the mansion and the people all around to enjoy the life they have now and to enjoy it to the fullest. I was assured that everyone will have a great time. She then left me in her study to figure out what I could do to help. Then again, I felt that I had just been ridiculed.
I was helped off my bed with her help and I guided to the bathroom. She undressed me and she motioned me to get into the tub that steamed with warm water. I got in hesitantly and my skin prickled at the contact. She told me softly that something wonderful was going to happen to me tonight, and that I was to enjoy myself. I nodded my head away silently as she ran a scoop of water over my head. My mind was getting much more empty and vacant lately that all I could hold was the things that were happening to me at the moment. However, oddly, my mind was able to hold the very image of her, permanently etched into me brain. Her touches were something I could remember clearly and her intoxicating scent that was mixed with jasmine and lavender. Something much like mixed tea.
Her hands massaged my scalp as she washed my hair and all I saw was her smile that somehow lingered there forever. I washed my body as she moved over to get ready the towel. She warmed my body with the cotton towel and ran her soft hand through my shady hair. Then she moved me over to sit in front of a desk and then when I looked up, I saw her…
The girl that I had so longed to kill…the girl that looked…
Her eyes that looked dead and lifeless. Her face that looked like a ghost, her hair that had the same shade of mine and…and…she was there, staring straight at me. She was dying…like me.
She was me.
She is me.
I was dressed in a fitting suit, yet the ends of the sleeves were loose and the silk pants ready to drop if there wasn't a belt to keep it in place. My hair was pulled neatly back into a long tail and my lips creamed with lip balm. I looked at myself in the mirror and watched the girl look back at me. She looked happy…Was I happy? Content? Satisfied that I am allowing this girl to live. Didn't I want her dead so long ago…why am I letting her live? I crack a grin and she grins back at me…
I am content with my revenge. She will live with me, and she will die with me.
She is me.
I hear the door open and I see a lock of brown through the crack. Then I set sight onto purple and then I drown deep into the beautiful red. The red that represents life, the life that I yearn for. The life I claimed as mine. As she entered through the door, her gaze falls onto me and she gives me a smile that I feel even weaker from just looking at it. My knees buckle from my weak state and she rushes over to me. I feel weak, but at least let me live this night to see life that I yearned for. A deep voice within me echoes and alarms me, I shudder,
'I will have no red but red.'
I look at her with fear and she gently lifts me from the floor, her smooth dress that hugs her curves rides up her thighs. I hold onto her dearly and she questions me with worry at my weird actions. I stared long into her loving eyes and then I place a chaste kiss onto her lips.
I will death but life.
The gala proceeded exceptionally well and I've never seen her so alive. She ate something that night and I was happy to see her wow at the taste of food. From then on she started to eat again. However, this time, there was no medication for her to help her anymore. Her life was near and she was getting weaker and weaker, like always. I had finally agreed with Sergay that she could no longer be saved, I felt like a murderer, but he consoled me. I had let her learn love, to love and be loved. I had let her at least see the light that I had dearly wanted her too. I had given her sanity in place of insanity, I had let her seen truth of her certain death and I was shocked at how she knew long about it.
She was dying.
She knew it long before, smeared within the fabrication of her lies.
I would see her lie in her bed sleeping away, waiting for death to claim her. She could no longer open her eyes fully to she how much love I had for her. She could no longer see the smile I knew she love to see. I now too was in turmoil.
I sat beside her bed and looked at the book she had been trying to read before she was pulled into sleep. I smoothed out the dogged pages that were all over the edges of the book. Her bookmark was a simple piece of purple ribbon that she had wanted ever since the gala. It was the ribbon I had use to tie my hair up with, I didn't know how much she wanted to hold it, it was as if I was the one she was holding. When I place her book back onto the stand, I felt a weak grasp on my fingers. I jumped and I turned to look she had waken. Her eyes were peeking through the small gap her eye lids created, her breathing was shallow and her lips where pale.
I bent forward to push away the hand full of hair that covered her face, and I placed a kiss on her forehead. She squirmed under the sheets and I held her hand that had intertwined with my fingers. Then with her hoarse voice she spoke to me under the dim lighting of her room,
'If only I could have the red that you have. If only I could share it with you.'
I stared in surprise at her, I wanted to question but she gripped tight onto my hand to prevent me so.
'If only I had not fabricated myself in lies. If only I had accepted truth.'
I watched her struggle in vain to sit upright. When I tried to help, she shrugged it away. When she finally did sit upright, her breathing was ragged and her eyes tired. She held my hand and she weakly brought it up to place a kiss on top. She murmured into my hand,
'Irony takes the form of life and death. If only I had not wished for both.'
My heart had skipped a beat and my eyes begin to water. I had not been expecting this. I pulled her to me and embraced her as if she was a spirit ready to be whisked away. She kissed my neck and gave out a breath of content,
'Then, if I had not wished at all, I wouldn't have seen the colour of red as ever vibrant as yours.'
I had started to cry and I was trembling in fear that this was all I had left to hold. Her arms around my body were loose and I was hoping that it will never come undone, I didn't want to let go yet. She whispered into my ear and I held her tighter,
'I cannot escape the no red.'
I whimpered and she silenced me with a soft kiss,
'However, I too cannot escape red.'
She fell back onto the bed and her breathing getting even shallower. Her eyes showed the first ever gleam, those eyes that I first attracted to. Her voice ever so haunting,
'I will have no red, but red.'
I sat on the swing that was situated in the west courtyard of the mansion. The moon was full that night and I was basking in the silence of its glow. I could hear the soft wails of a lady and then I heard no more.
After that, there was no more.
A/N: Yes, there is no more. (It's called a one-shot for a reason.) 'No red' is for everyone and especially the HIV/Aids people that you have to love yourself and love the life you live. I was to upload this fic on Wolrd Aids day, but it seemed that I was unable to make it in time. Then again to all, Love yourselves!
For the Info and the Explanation: Natsuki Kruger(in the story) was born with HIV. Her mother contracted HIV/Aids from her husband hence her child is infected with HIV. (Keep to one partner only please!) Shizuru Viola remains either negative or positive throughout the story for having high sexual intimacy with Natsuki (that didn't really make sense, but its up to the readers to decide what fate Shizuru has). The dark horseman that Sergay describes is death that follows HIV/Aids if the person is not treated. The horseman is well-known as one of the four horsemen that ride on the day of final judgement. The red that Natsuki feelingly seeks for is the representation of life. Since our blood is red and is necessary for us to stay alive, I used it as a representation for life, the sole embodiment of how we survive. Natsuki hides herself from the truth that she actually know but instead she puts the blame on her mother. Thus when she goes insane, the girl that she wants to kill is what she thinks is her mother, since her mother and her look exactly alike as said by Sergay. Hence her reflection confuses her away from reality and that she is actually wanting to kill herself who she thinks is her mother.(If this still confuses you, just pop a message) If there is anything else you want to clarify, just send a message into my account and I'll try my best to answer in the simplest way.
To all the readers, I'm going to close the polls soon, just a reminder, have you voted for your favourite prologue? Ah, and if you would like to see the progress on the ShizNat stories, my deviantart which is my hompage tells all from time to time. For those who like to catch words in pictures, an AU ShizNat webcomic (by Aki) will be posted soon, titled 'Fallin' in or not'.
Then again, to all that I hope have enjoyed my writings,