Kakuzu as Rapunzel: A Fairytale
If you watched the latest Naruto Shippuuden episode, you might be surprised about HOW LONG Kakuzu's hair is. I've been drawing it shoulder length for the past 2 or so years! Now it's really uke-looking. It reminds me of that fur thing that was on Dosu's back (the sound guy from the Chunnin Exams).
Once upon a time, in the far, far away land of Waterfall, there was a king. He was a ruthless king; he wasn't and never has been the nicest guy around. Those who disobeyed him could easily have their heads cut off as simple as forgetting to deliver his usual food every day. His belly was filled of food; his mind full of airs and ways to torture, his previous wives dead in their graves with usually no head, his respective point was zero.
The King didn't like many people, and there was one person that he could not kill if he wanted to. Hashirama Senju, the fire country king. It didn't matter what it was, fighting, poker, go, betting, Hashirama always had the upper hand and this was something the king of the land of Waterfall disliked immensely.
So the King one day had an idea.
"Bring me the strongest of our lands," he declared one day to his soldiers, "I need them to fulfil an important mission. I will pay a very high price."
The soldiers hurried off nervously and went around the lands looking for the strongest of their lands. They came back the next day with a weightlifter busker, which the king merely ignored. Noticing their king's ignorance to said weightlifter, the soldiers went out to find more strong people.
For the next six weeks the soldiers brought back many people, all which the King dismissed. He was almost on the verge of giving up when he realised they had not been to one town.
"I would like you two go to this town and find me a strong man, worthy of fulfilling my desires."
So two soldiers went off, and travelled for days, then came to the town they had not been too. It looked like a fairly non-shinobi town. They stopped at the food stand to buy supplies on the way back to the king's palace.
"Excuse me," said one of the soldiers to the lady at the food stand, "We are looking for a strong being, the strongest of the land of Waterfall. Would you know them?"
The lady merely shifted her head to the direction of the library before answering to another customer.
The two soldiers thanked her for the rations and walked in the direction she nodded too.
The library was very small; the vast majority of people inside were mere children reading pop-up books. They approached the counter. "We are looking for the strongest in the land of Waterfall. We have searched for many, many, many days looking for them. The king would like to see him." Said the man who asked the food stand lady.
"Of course." The man at the front desk stacked the last remaining books onto the shelf behind him, "we have the strongest in the land, as he works here in the library and teaches the children to become shinobi."
The two soldiers gave each other excited glances. Was this the person they were looking for!?
"Kakuzu!" the called out earnestly, "we have two people here to see you!"
There was a shuffling of feet and a door opened, as he was behind the counter.
And there he was, the strongest in the Land of Waterfall. Green eyes, brown hair, and freakishly strong looking. He couldn't be compared to the weightlifter. He didn't just radiate the fact he looked so strong, but he looked so powerful as well. The Soldiers shrank back in fright at this aurora surrounding him.
This guy helped out in a library!?
"Yes?" this "Kakuzu" asked the two. "Is there something you need?"
In unison, the two soldiers fell to the ground, as if they were about to pray. "Kakuzu, are you the strongest in the land?"
Kakuzu looked over at the librarian. "You told them that?"
The man nodded sheepishly. "Well, it's true."
Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Why do you try and promote me? I may be strong-"
"He must be the strongest of our lands!" one of the soldiers cried. "The king has desperately needed the strongest in the land to serve for him!"
"If we don't get this strong person, we all die! He won't tolerate failure!"
"He chopped off my brother's hand!"
"Please, you have to help us!"
"We need you!" The two broke down crying. They looked very out of it, mainly because they were two grown men.
Ok... this is really pathetic... was the obvious thing he was thinking of. But never the less, he asked, "Why does he need me?"
The soldiers shrugged. "We in fact have no idea."
"Does he pay?"
The librarian noticed the almost greedy glint in Kakuzu's eyes. They nodded. "As much, or even as more than the land of Waterfall put together!"
Without even thinking, Kakuzu nodded once.
"Kakuzu-"The librarian started to say, but Kakuzu held up a reassuring hand.
"They said the king offered more money than anything in the land."
The Librarian was very aware of Kakuzu's love for money. Oh yes.
Needless to say, Kakuzu left the library, not without borrowing The Railway Children and bringing along his newest wallet, made out of Dragon skin. They travelled for days, the three of them. The two soldiers couldn't beat Kakuzu at strategy games or fighting. He must really be the strongest in the land!
They got to the King's gate just after lunch days later. The soldiers insisted that they would have something to eat, as a "last supper". What if the king was unhappy with their pick and executed their heads with a sharp axe?
But it was the opposite of their fears. The king was very happy with their choice, sugared Kakuzu with gifts and money. Kakuzu didn't really mind getting flowered with such things, but with the money the king had given him, he brought many more wallets so he could fit it all in. Then, the king gave him a mission: kill the Fire King.
3 months later
Kakuzu returned to the village, barely breathing and on the verge of death. It had taken him so long to return to the king. The Fire King had basically crushed the young man, all his pain still remained when a medical nin offered to mend his broken leg; the nin was so inexperienced, that it left Kakuzu to walk on crutches till he returned.
Immediately the King turned sour.
He was angry that the strongest in his land could not kill his enemy? Why was his country weak!? It made him so angry that he killed the two soldiers who brought Kakuzu from his town library.
He tortured the man for information on the Fire King's fighting style, yet Kakuzu was too weak to answer.
The King restrained himself from chopping Kakuzu's head off and spiking it to a bridge to warn predators of the land, without even giving Kakuzu time to rest and heal, he threw him in a tower with only one key in a forest were nobody went. Kakuzu screamed for help when he was well enough, so loud that it burst his sclera. His eye whites were now a deep pink with blood vessels visible. As there was no key; Kakuzu could not get out the tower. His hair- once short- he didn't like it getting in the way. Then Kakuzu got a brilliant idea. He would grow his hair and wait for his saviour to come. He eventually got back to strength by training birds to get him food, water and steal medicine. It was disgusting and cruel how the king treated him: how could this man live and get away with the murder he did, often with his bare hands?
Hidan was a show-off Jashinist from the land of Hot Springs. Now, it wasn't everyday he heard about a legend of a real life Rapunzel, in a forest. He had only heard about those in fairytales – ones with a happy ending. But Hidan hated happy endings!
Of course he decided to investigate.
It took him a long time to find the forest. He had to pretend to be a Waterfall citizen or they would cut off his head – except that his executioner would hack his face in as Hidan would merely start talking with his body in bits.
As he went into the forest, it was very dark and gloomy. Not fit for a princess. One of the main reasons that he was going in the first place was because he was single. Kind of.
He noticed that all the birds didn't run away when he past. Strange.
Then he heard it. A song. A deep melody – full of sorrow and sadness, the tone of an opera singer- sang. Hidan followed the singing- and came to a tower. The singing was coming from inside.
He went right up to the tower and yelled out.
"OI. ARE YOU RAPUNZEL?"
The singing stopped.
A man, yes, that's right Hidan – a man –, popped his head out the window. Both stared at each other for a moment.
"Dude, What the fuck!?" Hidan called to him. "I was under the impression you were a woman, Rapunzel!"
"Do I look like a woman?" the man growled, green eyes narrowing.
Hidan studied the man from below. Nope. "Uh – Yeah, no. Look, I heard about this legend 'bout some princess locked up in a tower here and she grew her hair so long – "
"Do I look like a woman?" he repeated.
"I didn't say you were the woman – " Hidan began, then cut himself off when he saw the "princess" shake all his hair out, and it flowed to the bottom of the tower, "Holy fucking shit! That's some hair you have there!"
"That's nice," said Kakuzu without caring, "Now get me down."
"Climb up the hair!"
Hidan cringed at Kakuzu's hair, "Dude, no."
"No, seriously. Guys with long hair turn me off!"
"Aren't you going to help me down?" he called back.
Hidan rolled his eyes and threw his scythe on the ground. "Fine."
His cringed as he felt the hair, and slowly climbed up. He got to the very top and joined Kakuzu up there.
"Well," said Hidan, feeling awkward, "In the book – I think – he got stuck. Ok how the fuck can I get down now?"
"Well I've never read the book before. At least I know you aren't dumb enough to not learn how to read."
"Fuck you, Rapunzel!" Hidan snapped.
"Oh so you've never had contact with another human for what, how long? And you fucking tell me to shut up-"
"Oh so here you go! You know what? You're annoying!"
"So I've heard." Kakuzu watched in amusement as Hidan looked up the window to see if there was rope of something over it. While he was doing so he nearly fell out the window. But the thing was that Kakuzu wasn't stupid enough to think a step behind in many situations. "I've got a plan."
Hidan turned from his act of about to jump out the window and break all his bones, "What would that be?"
Kakuzu pointed to Hidan's weaponry bag. "Have you got any sharp knives?"
"Yeah. What are you gonna do?"
Kakuzu pointed to his hair. "Cut my hair and tie it to the bed sheet, which we can tie to the bedpost, and we can climb down."
"Urgh. I have to touch your hair again, don't I? What if I don't want too?"
"We'll be out of here in less the time-"
"Ok then, fine!" Hidan took out two kunai: One for him, one for Kakuzu. He threw his bag down to use it as a cushion while the two of them cut Kakuzu's hair. He didn't want to use Kakuzu's hair as a cushion: It might have lice!
It took all of Hidan's willpower to not rip out the hair though. Kakuzu's hair was so tangly and messy that it took even longer than Hidan expected, and Hidan had to hold down a part of Kakuzu's head so Kakuzu could force the kunai through.
"So, you really are a boy after all, Rapunzel." Hidan commented when they were finished. Strands of brown hair went everywhere – many strands consisted of dreads or "rat's nests", lumps, generally gross disgusting things and Hidan swore he saw a spider. Both of them gathered up Kakuzu's hair and tied it to the bed sheet – Kakuzu only had one. Kakuzu at one end, threw the hair out the window, Hidan at the other tied it too the mahogany bedpost.
"Ladies first," Hidan suggested to Kakuzu, leaning on the bedpost. Kakuzu didn't even respond as he swung down the hair like a fire-fighter going down a pole and rushing to the fire engine.
Hidan went down afterwards. "Your hair is all thick like pubes- OW, FUCK!"
Kakuzu punched him.
Many, Many years later
"Kakuzu," Pein drawled. "Met your new partner in Akatsuki, Hidan."
Kakuzu stared at Pein. Was this some sort of joke?
"Hey," Hidan grinned. "It's fucking Rapunzel!"
Pein looked amused. "What did you just call him?"
"Uh... that is his name, right? Yeah, I rescued him from a tower a while ago. His name's Rapunzel."
Kakuzu restrained himself from punching this man till he dropped dead.
Pein looked as smug as ever.
"According to my files, his name is Kakuzu." Wait – Pein had files on the Akatsuki?
"Really?" Hidan looked interested. "Kakuzu and Rapunzel have an A and a Z. That's enough to have in common with each other, right, Rapunzel – OW, FUCK!"
Kakuzu, after many years of retainment, killed him.
A/N: Or tried too.