Bella signed on

Alice: HI!!!!! 

Bella: Um hi… who's this?

Alice: Alice Cullen… we totally go to school together 

Bella: Um okay

Alice: 3

Alice: 2

Bella: what

Alice: 1

Bella signed off

Alice: …lol

Bella signed on

Bella: Sorry

Bella: Accidentally ripped the modem out of the wall

Alice: lol I totally saw that one coming

Bella: … lol ok

Alice: So u like my brother huh?

Bella: What? how'd you know?

Alice: I'm good at knowing stuff 

Bella: Soooo… does he know?

Alice: Yep

Bella: Oh crap

Alice: Why?????

Bella: I'm so embarrassed

Alice: Why?????????????

Bella: He's soo hot… I'm ugly

Alice: Hmm yeah

Bella: What?

Alice: Just agreeing

Bella: …

Alice: Don't worry though

Alice: I'm really good at makeovers 

Alice: And shopping… 

Bella: Oh… I always thought you were supposed to be the deep, strong female character in the Twilight series

Alice: A common misconception.

Bella: Who is, then?

Alice: Well Rosalie is the beautifullest most sexy girl in the entire universe.

Bella: Yeah but her only purpose in life is to have lots of babies

Alice: Yeah like every good female should! Right SMeyer???

Bella: Um… Esme?

Alice: Lol Esme doesn't serve any purpose except being a partner for Carlisle.

Bella: Yeah, you're right about that. Who else is there?

Alice: Leah Clearwater

Bella: No way. The only female werewolf? Instead of being a strong, interesting female, she's made out to be a 'burden' and a huge annoyance. Also she's genetically redundant. The only female werewolf in existence, and she can't have children? Doesn't anyone see how that's sexist?

Alice: I suppose you're right… you can't really talk though. Look at you. You love washing dishes and cleaning house for Charlie, and you don't even think of it as being anti-feminist.

Bella: Oh speaking of that, brb gotta wash dishes or Charlie will beat me again

Alice: lol k

Bella: back

Alice: Soo tell me about Phoenix?

Bella: Well I grew up there

Bella: I did dancing lessons when I was little

Alice: Wait… aren't you supposed to be really clumsy?

Bella: …

Bella: Well yeah I guess

Alice: What's with that?

Bella: I needed one really huge defining character flaw.

Alice: Being clumsy is not a character flaw.

Bella: YOU'RE NOT AN AUTHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice: Pfft nither is SMeyer. All she did was copy paste every single mary sue vampire fic ever written from

Alice: But anyway… so why do you like Edward?

Bella: He is the man of my dreams!!!!11!1!!1 I love his perfect shiny topaz eyes, that are like two huge perfect beautiful gemstones that shine and shine in the sun like… gemstones. I love his corpse-pale complexion and his enormous, sexy eyebrows, and how he isn't afraid to wear lipstick. Most of all, I love how he sparkles in the sunlight like a big seductive disco ball of hot sex.

Alice: I don't think you should date him. Edward is an abusive boyfriend.

Bella: WHAT!!!! How could you say that!?!!?

Alice: Seriously, think about it. He goes out of his way to scare you. Like big displays of how strong and fast and scary he is. He disregards your decisions and forces you to do what he wants, like forcibly throwing you into the car when you didn't want to go. He threatens to kill himself if you leave him. He encourages you not to talk to your schoolfriends. He goes into jealous rages if you so much as talk to Mike or Jacob.

Bella: …

Alice: Not that you should talk to Jacob anyway. He's such a pedo.

Bella: WHAT

Alice: A pedo. You know. A pedophile. He's a kiddy fiddler. A rock spider.

Bella: I don't understand!

Alice: You're not terribly smart, are you?

Alice: Well look at this whole imprinting business. It's supposedly all romantic and lovey-dovey. But what is the purpose of it?

Alice: That's right: reproduction. Imprinting exists so that werewolves can breed. That means that it's of an inherently sexual nature. Even if, e.g. Quil isn't molesting his two year old love interest Claire, he's raising her to be a sexual partner for him, when she's old enough. That's borderline pedophilic

Alice: AND sexist. The girl has no choice in the matter. What if Claire grows up and wants to date other people? She's not allowed. She has no choice. She HAS to choose Quil. Not fair, right?

Bella: …

Bella: omg

Bella: you're so right

Bella: how did I miss that?

Alice: Don't worry. A lot of people do. But, like you, they're not the sharpest crayons in the box.

Bella: I am going to go and kill myself now.

Alice: It's about time. Good night!!!!!!! 