"It's all over, that's what you said... but no, no it's not... it's far from being all over..."
But it feels it. They always said that the first was the worst, where you didn't know what to expect... I feel like death. Like worse than death, actually. But I'm old, now... or at least, I look it. Maybe it's my time. Even if I don't change, at the very least I've lived a few centuries, saved a few people... and I've learned something.
I've learned that it is better to do good, and that sometimes interference is necessary. There is evil that must be fought.
Oh, I'm so tired now... so tired... why doesn't it get on with it...?
Ah. Spoke too soon. This light is coming for me... light so bright... oh but I am so tired... the TARDIS... yes, she'll help me.
"My machine can't think," that's what I said once, but I was wrong, oh so wrong... she's helping me. Helping the change.
Oh my giddy aunt, I never knew it would feel so warm...
I won't! You can't make me!
I like me! I really honestly like me! Exile me if you must, but don't get rid of this! I liek this body! It has... style! Panache! A certain - oh, I don't know what! I like me! I've been through so much with me! You can't just take me away! You can't! I won't stand for it!
"Oh shut up Doctor. Where you're going, you won't need style. We know what we're doing."
You shut up! You have no right to do this to me...! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO...!
"You want style Doctor? Panache? Fine..."
What are you doing?
"Giving the man what he wants..."
And here I am, once again, about to die.
Funny, isn't it, that I didn't want to be in this body, yet I've grown so attached to it? That I didn't want to be exiled, but it gave me some of the best days of my life? The best friends I've ever had? The closest comrades?
Oh, and there's Sarah, and the Brigadier. The Brigadier, of course, knows what happens now - to an extent, though he's never seen it. Be a good experience for him.
Sarah... poor thing, she is so upset, I really should have explained this better... and K'anpo, of course, knows everything... somehow, I think he always did. He always seemed to.
Good grief, my head hurts.
A tear, Sarah Jane? No, my dear. This is not the end. This is not the end of me... for where there's life, and the ever present, healing, renewing light, bright as a star... there's hope...
It's funny, this feeling of life and death. I've become a new person with the Doctor, and now, here I am, becoming a new person literally. But can I become the right kind of person for him? The person he wants, not just the person thrust upon him, for it's own sake?
I hope so.
He liked Astra. Maybe if I... no.
What if I looked... no, he'd think I was too tall. I can almost see him measuring the body.
Maybe if I went for something... no too blue.
Oh, never mind. I'll go for Astra. He'll have to put up with it, old codger. Ooh, spikey personality. Like that.
I am Tremas. Who are you?
I am the Master. I am the man who is your future.
Your going to kill me to live for yourself?
Why? You can't do that, it's not fair. I have a life, a daughter.
Yes. But soon, your daughter will be orphaned and your life will be mine to spend as I choose.
Because I have wasted my life. And now, here, I will gain a new one and claim the universe that should always have been rightfully mine. You do not understand death as I do... I have been almost dead for centuries now and you seek renewal and new life a new body, at last...
A new body... at last.
I could have survived.
I let go - I didn't need to let go, but I did. I let go, and here I am, surrounded by friends - well, I say friends, I hardly know any of them, not really.
Oh Sarah - it seems fitting that I remember you. And Harry. And Leela. You were always by my side, to stave off the monsters. Hold back the tide of evil that threatened the universe. And then, there's him...
Oh yes. Don't think I forgot. The Watcher. My future self, but... so weak...? Unformed? Perhaps because I might have been killed. The universe might have died, and me in it, so no future - not even yours - was certain.
But now? Well, like the man said, this is the end, but the moment has been prepared for.
How odd, the feeling of merging with a watcher. They never mention them back at the academy. Never - I mean, we're not supposed to need them. They come into being about the time of a regenerative crisis, stress, and of course, Time Lords aren't meant to be stressed.
But they mean it's time. I knew, that's why I let go. But this fellow... it feels as if something future - and at the same time, very present - has entered my blood, my life - my very soul even. Yet, I know him. I know him...
Yes. I know him, because he is me, and I am him, and we are one, and this is the new man that we are... Smile Doctor. This is your show, and... and...
Its the end again. And this time, it wasn't prepared for. Oh, some days I wonder at the ironies of this world... after all, I save the universe on a regular basis , fighting against monsters and creatures and demons, and horrible things... and then I die of poisoning, during a mining crisis, or whatever the space was going on.
I'd laugh if I could summon the strength to.
It's like a tunnel this time. Light flying away from me, faster and faster...
They're here. They're all here, all of them. Those marvellous people that I remember from this life. All of them. Every last one. Oh, how I wish you could be here in truth, to see me go as some of you saw me come... Tegan, how I wish you'd have stayed... stay with me. Regeneration is so much easier when you have friends nearby.
Oh but I forget, don't I? I do. If dying to save a girl isn't friendship, friendship is meaningless, and the Master was right all along...
And there you are. Don't think I'd forgotten. I might have guessed you'd be here. Aren't you always? Every step of the way you're here, with me, even when you aren't. Well, are you happy now? Happy now I'm dying?
You must die Doctor! Die Doctor! Die Doctor!
Sorry. Must dash.
I am good.
You might never have guessed that I was, the way Peri went for me, the insults we traded... Oh I'm sorry Peri. You might never have believed I was worthy of the title "Doctor". You might have called me the unworthy inheritor of a title others held with panache or a big blustering fool.
But do you know the truth? I am the Doctor. I always was, from the beginning. And I did good. A cosmos saved. A friend kept. Good deeds done. I defy anyone to say I was not good, when I have done so much good.
Remember me Mel; it was an honour to have you by my side, one final time.
He's dead. He's dead. He is dead.
So why still is there the spark of thought? Why still is there the spark of life? Of reason? Of... of... oh what's the word?
He's coming back. He can tell. He can barely remember how and why at this point, all of it is slipping away, but he can tell something is wrong, because his face hurts... flashes of light shoot through the space where he is confined... his face is actually restructuing itself. No sense wasting energy on the lightshow now, is there? just the basic - restructure, renew, regenerate... and one thought comes through that new mind.
Oh, I miss the light...
They are all dead. His people, burned away, killed at his hand. Somewhere he understands the why and the how of what he did, he understands; they had to be stopped. He had to stop them. They had fallen, so far - ...
He feels the change, a healing light that restores his face and form, but doesn't feel he deserves it. What has he done that they did not? Why can he live but they must die? The guilt threatens to rip him apart - but he knows he must go on alone.
There is no one else.
Light and sound and death...
It is interesting to note that for a Time Lord, a regeneration can seem to last an eternity. It was different now. The Time Lords were usually around... to hold in the torrent - even when they were after him, chasing him, they always subconsciously reigned in what real power could emanate from this process. His face was on fire, and felt as though it was melting... but compared to the pain of holding the time vortex energy in place, this was almost a relief...
And he could feel the stars... the universe was beckoning to him... 'life is hard, and you are alone, and tired... go to sleep...' oh but Rose. You can't leave her. Not now, not here, watching you burn. No, and you can feel your body solidfying again, as its features pop into existence. And then it was over, and his face felt clean and new and newborn, and instantly that feeling, that last feeling of youth before age took its toll on him again, was gone forever...
Yana - Saxon.
Light and sound and screaming and hatred and drums...
It is interesting - not to mention slightly painful - to note that, for a Time Lord, regenerations can be agonising and feel eternal... reminding him that life can be curse as well as blessing. As if he ever once needed reminding.
He hadn't really regenerated much. Once, maybe twice when he was younger, then he had wasted them all trying to escape that damn black hole. He had never really experienced what it could be... and the pain swept through him like a sword...
His new voice found itself tested with a screech of pain even as he was born the energy burning his new mouth even as he opened it, flowing through his vocal cords...
All that kept him from going under, letting the flow melt him back into the sludge, was the drums, beating, reminding him that is destiny was to rule, to become the Master of all... and then, the light wasn't there anymore, wasn't holding him up anymore, and he fell to the floor, first on his knees, then slipping into merciful unconsciousness, if only for a moment...
Am I dead? Dad was crying. Crying over my death. But it was a good death, wasn't it? I made him proud. I heard his words... too much like me, but if that was true then I would be alive now, wouldn't I? Alive with him, running across the stars... Oh what is that feeling...? It's like something is building up... coming through my system... and then...
Oh its warm... it feels almost like... like... pure life...
And then I open my eyes...
The Tenth Doctor, part one.
Once again, the light shines over me, but this time I'm in pain - its taking all my concentration not to scream my head off... was this how he felt? The Master? Was this how he felt, being reborn like this, here, in my ship...? Oh but Rose... you can't let her be so upset... she is so upset... isn't there anything to stop this...?
Oh yes. Handy. Force yourself to move. Force yourself to think with a mind that so wants to restructure itself...
And then... it is over...
Ten Point Five.
Am I alive?
Am I seperate?
I am the Doctor. I was the Doctor. I was part of the Doctor. And now, I am seperate... all I need is a spark...
But I must have got that... i'm not just a hand anymore, I'm a whole thinking thing, living, burning... never regenerated without clothes. Never regenerated, technically. Ah well. Memory serves. Like I said, never regenerated without clothes. Intriguing.
Here I go. And still I wonder, do I exist? But the answer is so obvious, really.
Cogito Ergo Sum.
I can add up.
The Doctor is a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterberous. He is over nine centuries in age. He is the last of his kind, the remainder having been exterminated at the conclusion of the last great Time War along with the bulk of the Dalek Army...
I don't want to remember. You can't make me remember...
The Doctor travels usually with a human or similar female companion. The Doctor travels in the TARDIS. The Doctor...
The Doctor...? I know so much about the Doctor and yet... nothing about myself. It's all going somehow.
Am I the Doctor?
The face I see in smudged glass is unfamiliar.
As a Time Lord, the Doctor posses the ability to regenerate his physical form. This completely alters the physical appearance of the Time Lord in question...
The Doctor. A Time Lord. TARDIS. Is that me? It's all I have in my mind... Yes. It must be me. That is who I am...
The Doctor is the last of the Tine Lords...
The last. An inheritor. The last - alone? Singular? Does that explain my sadness?
The only. The Doctor. Simply, the Doctor.
I am the one and the only.
And the best.
The Tenth Doctor, part two.
I don't want to go. I dont want to die and be replaced by some new man who'll go sauntering off while I remain nothing but a memory to him, and probably a bad one at that. And that's the thought I maintain as I keep my eyes closed against the pain of regenerating.
Not gone yet.
The familiar agonies rage over me, burning away everything I ever was... I realise with a small pang that this is the first step, a rearrangement of everything I ever had...
I'm not gone yet.
The pain by now is overwhelming: I want to scream, and realising this, I do scream, long and hard, anguish pouring through me...
And then it's over, and my eyes open.
I'm not gone.
I look around, check whether anything's missing: nothing is. I'm not gone. I'm still here! It's all still here! Legs! Arms! Everything!
I'm forgetting something.
Crashing! Ha ha!
Oh wait, that's bad.