Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, any Broadway show and I'm not the person that wrote Blood which is performed by My Chemical Romance. I mean no copy right infringement, this is all in good fun, so please don't sue me!

In the first chapter the first song that I parodied was Good Morning, Baltimore from Hairspray. Anything else was totally made up by me. Should I do a playlist, listing the songs and their real companion?

In this chapter, almost all the songs are made up by me. You can tell cuz they're downright horrible. The last one was very slightly inspired by My Chemical Romance. I threw in a little bit from their song Blood, but it was hardly anything. We are the Cullens was meant to be lifted slightly from We are the Altar Boyz from Altar Boyz but it didn't end up that way. I used it later on instead for We are the Vampires. I also plan on butchering December 1963 (Oh What a Night) from Jersey Boys which will turn into December 1918 (Oh What a Night) and Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now from Hairspray which will be turned into Daddy, I'm a Big Vampire Now. If you have any Broadway song suggestions, please feel free to drop me a line.

Thanks to anyone reading this. I actually got a comment that said something like, "No offence, but this isn't funny, why don't you write a storyline?" So, not everyone gets this. I know this must be the most stupidest thing you've ever read. If you have any ideas of things you'd like to see, feel free to comment or PM me. This is a crack fic, I can pretty much do what the hell ever I feel like. I don't even have a beta for this shit.


Bella is now in gym class with a net in front of her.

I'm such a klutz
But not a putz
I have no natural ability
To hit a ball over a net
I'd much rather
Go to the MET!

A volleyball flies toward Bella and she attempts to hit it. It soars toward Mike and hits him in the head. Bella goes over to apologize. Another girl walks up to the two of them.

Jessica: Are you okay, Mike?

Mike: I'm fine. Hey, Bella, this is my friend, Jessica.

Bella: Hi, Jessica. It's nice to meet you.

I'm jealous
Of the new girl
Why are all the boys staring at her?
My boobs are bigger
Than hers.

What does she have
That I don't?
What do the boys all see?
I'm jealous
Of the new girl

What a bitch this is gonna be

Jessica: Hi Bella! I've heard about you. I hope we'll be great friends!

I'm jealous

I'm such a klutz

Of the new girl

Not a putz

My boobs are bigger

I have no natural ability

Her style is horrible

I'll hurt someone with my clumsiness

I bet she doesn't put out like me

I can't hit a ball over the net

She's a plain Mary Sue, such a plain Mary Sue!

I can't kick a ball in a goal

My ass is firmer

I'm just a plain girl as you can see

Bella and Jessica:
What a bitch this is gonna be!


The three of them talk pleasantly to one another for a moment; Jessica's animosity toward Bella is temporarily forgotten. The scene changes and now they are in the cafeteria. Bella sits down with Jessica, Mike and Eric at a table. Two more young people walk over and join them.

Jessica: Angela, have you met Bella yet?

Angela: No, I haven't. Hi, Bella, it's nice to meet you. Wait, I think I saw you in one of my classes earlier.

Bella smiles sheepishly.

Angela: Yeah, you tripped over your own feet on the way to your desk.

Tyler: Hi, I'm Tyler. It's nice to meet your acquaintance.

Tyler takes Bella's hand and kisses the back of it. Mike and Eric groan in disgust. Jessica rolls her eyes.

Angela and Tyler sit down and the five of them chatter. Through holes in the scenery meant to be windows, you can see a group of five gorgeous looking people loitering around. Two of them make their way inside and toward a table in super slow motion.

Bella: Who are they?

Jessica: That's the Cullens.

Angela: They're Jessica's sore spot.

Jessica: Are not! They just think they're better than everyone else. It's weird. They're all adopted or are foster children and yet, they're all together. It's kind of incestuous if you ask me.

Bella: All together? They're all dating?

Emmett and Rosalie are now only halfway to their table.

Jessica: That's Emmett Cullen and Rosalie Hale.

Jasper and Alice walk through the door and walk in Emmett and Rosalie's direction in super slow motion.

Bella: And them?

Jessica: That's Jasper Hale, twin of Rosalie and Alice Cullen. Jasper always looks like he has a stick shoved up his ass.

Bella: Ouch.

Angela: I talked to him once; he seems like a nice guy.

Jessica: You think anyone that talks to you is nice.

The four Cullen family members make it over to the table and sit down. They look like the epitome of the high school cool crowd. The remaining boy slowly opens the door to the cafeteria and steps inside. [Claps and screams of "Bite me, Robert!" and "Give me your spunk!" from the crowd make Kristen wait to say her next line.]

Bella: Who's that?

He starts to slowly make his way over to his siblings.

Jessica: That's Edward Cullen, the only unattached one. Don't waste your time, he doesn't date. No one is good enough for him. I've tried. [Jessica sniffs] I think he's gay.

Edward chuckles as he walks by. Bella turns to see him walk past them. She licks her lips. Bella continues to stare.

Jessica: Yeah, he has a nice ass.

Angela: Mmmhmmm

The lights dim on Bella and her new friends. The Cullens continue to sit at their table, looking gloomy and murmuring quietly to one another. Music slowly begins to build. They get up and dance during the music.


We aren't incestuous
But I'd like to confess

Our living arrangements are kind of weird

We're not really related

I'm not constipated

He's just not that animated

We are the Cullens
Cold and pale skin
We keep to our selves
No human will get in

We are the Cullens
Slightly different from all the rest
Always dressed our best
Jasper's always so sullen

Alice glares at Edward. He stares back at him. Their facial features change slightly as they internally argue with one another.

Rosalie: Oh, stop doing that! We don't know what the hell you're talking about!

Alice: Leave my man alone!

The music fades, the song stays incomplete and the scenery changes to the Biology room.


Edward is already sitting at a desk when Bella walks into the room. The fan in front of the cold classroom blows through Bella's hair. Edward reacts violently, grabbing his nose as if he's smelled raw sewage. He grips the desk, his knuckles white and looks sick.

Bella moves to sit next to Edward as instructed by the teacher. He lets go of his nose and turns away from her, holding his breath. He pushes something on the Biology table toward her and exhales.

Bella tries to inconspicuously smell her pits.

Your blood
Tantalizes me
Your blood
Mesmerizes me
Your blood
Drives me insane!

Give him
Blood, blood, blood
Gallons of the stuff
It will never be enough

I can't name it!
I can't change it!
It's singing to me!
To me!
Only meeeee!

Let him drink from you
And it'd never be enough
Give him your blood, blood, blood

You can't see
How I must keep my control
Brace myself
Against attacking you
Sucking you dry
Like I
So very want to!

Watch out
There might be a flood!

Edward and Chorus:
There's something about your blood!

Oh, bloody, bloody hell!

The bell rings and Edward gets up out of his seat and leaves as quickly as he can. Bella continues to sit in her chair, stunned at Edward's reaction to her.

Thanks for reading! If you actually like this, please drop me a line to let me know.