I was told I needed to write a Team Edward equivalent to the Break-Up Letter, so I decided to go for it. I am not Team Edward (as you may have guessed… xD) but I will do what I can. Same deal as last time. Don't go out and break hearts with this, and I don't own Twilight. ;)

Dear (insert soon-to-be ex's name here),

I struggle to write this letter. Remember, as you read, that life is not fair. I wish I could spare you the heartbreak of rejection for another man, but I cannot. Instead, I will have to live with the knowledge that I have cast aside a perfectly good significant other to pursue an impossibly difficult lifestyle alongside a new beloved.

You may ask what this man has that you lack, and I acknowledge that to be a legitimate question. I cannot divulge everything, but he has several cars (one of which is a costly European make), his father is friendly with a certain Italian aristocracy, he does not require me to cook for him on a nightly basis, and he has a very large… mansion.

I am well aware that you will want to know his name, in hopes of finding him and challenging him to some kind of duel to preserve your honor. Firstly, this would not be a wise idea. Secondly, I cannot divulge this information. The aforementioned Italian aristocracy is quite strict when facts about his… race are concerned.

Oh, and he sparkles.

If it comforts you at all, please understand that you were the path my life was intended to take. This other man technically should not still be alive, and his presence has interfered with my destiny.


(Your signature)