A/N: I'll admit that I have a weird obsession with Santa movies. I love movies like Fred Clause, the Santa Clause (1, 2, & 3), Elf, and Ernest Saves Christmas (might be before most of y'alls time). I seriously love those movies, so I thought it'd be fun to write a Christmas one-shot using Santa and the Cullens. By the way, Santa is real. He has a thing for cannibals. ;P
Summary: Edward asks Santa for a favor. It's a very fun, unique Christmas one-shot that hopefully makes you laugh while feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Bella and Edward fluff!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Santa was sitting behind his desk. His white beard hanged to the one of the white balls of fur that was disguised as a button on his red coat. He hadn't changed since the last I've seen him (except for the weight), of course, I hadn't change either.
Carlisle and Santa were good friends. They often played golf during Santa's off seasons. They don't do it much anymore since Santa has gained a few extra pounds from the milk and cookies that the children leave him. Being severely obese has caused a lot of health problems for Santa. The last time that Carlisle and Santa played golf together, Santa had a heart attack.
"Emmett's really sorry about Rudolph…" I lied. Emmett wasn't sorry.
"The kids still think that the reindeers were the ones that wouldn't let Rudolph play in their reindeer games."
I nodded solemnly. "At least Vixen made it out okay."
"At what price?" Santa asked. The images of what happened flashed through his mind.
I suddenly felt embarrassed for me and my family. It wasn't exactly Emmett's fault, it could've happened to any of us.
"What can I do for you, Edward?" Santa asked quickly changing the subject. He leaned back in his chair. His hands went behind his head. His stomach poked out until it was hitting the side of the desk. The fur balls on his jacket threatened to pop off and I was pretty sure I head a small tear in his red slacks.
"I need a favor, Santa." I was cautious with how I was going to word this.
He nodded, signaling for me to go on.
"It's not really for me as much as for Isabella, Isabella Swan."
"Ah yes, Isabella Marie Swan, Forks Washington. What a sweet girl. She wanted a box set of Jane Austen novels last Christmas; her step dad got her a CD." It was always weird how Santa could tell you everything about a person by just telling him their name.
"That's her." I nodded. The Jane Austen box set was a dead giveaway.
"How can I help? She's been very good this year."
"I was wondering if you could let me borrow your sleigh, and maybe a reindeer tonight. I promise it will only be for tonight. And Emmett will be nowhere near the reindeer." I added the last part quickly.
Santa let out a deep sigh. "You know that you and Carlisle are dear friends of mine, and I would do anything for you and your family, but that's just asking too much, especially so close to Christmas."
"I know it is asking a lot, but maybe if you give me one of the reindeers in training, like, I don't know, Olive. Then it won't be so difficult on you and the other reindeers."
Santa started to stroke his beard. He was going over the pros and cons in his head. "You might have to work out a few kinks. It's been almost a year since I've flown it."
"Of course." I nodded. "Rosalie has agreed to look over it."
"And if you do take Olive, make sure not to feed her any cheese. She has inherited the same problem that her father has."
I nodded. I was very well aware of Blitzen's problem with cheese. Every time he has, even the smallest slice, of cheese, he can't control his bodily functions very well, and exerts a gas that only animals and humans can produce.
Santa smiled, his rosy cheeks swelling. "Well then, I hope that you and Bella have a jolly ol' time."
Alice finished wrapping a scarf around my neck. I had no idea where Edward was taking me. I just knew that I was supposed to dress warmly. I felt like an Eskimo in the clothes that Alice put me in.
"I'm so excited for you." She squealed taking several steps back so she could get a good look at me. Her fingers wrapped around her chin and she turned her head slightly to the side.
"Do I look okay?" I asked, getting a little self conscious.
Alice pulled her head back in shock. Her eyes got wide and she looked, well, insulted. "Bella!" She screamed. "I was the one who dressed you. Of course you don't look okay, you look absolutely gorgeous." Her face dropped again. "But I'm worried that you might get cold." She finally admitted. She reached to the side and grabbed a blanket. "Here, take this with you."
"Alice, I realize that it's cold in Forks. But seriously, I don't need all this extra fabric." I was already wearing a sweater, a jacket over that, and then a parka. My legs were covered in pants and a skirt, leg warmers, five different pairs of socks, and UGG boots. I was burning up.
"Just trust me Bella." She handed me the blanket. "Now go outside. Edward is waiting for you." She pushed me out the front door to her house.
It was cold outside. But it wasn't cold enough that I needed all of these extra clothing. It's not like we were going to the North Pole or anything. I was careful walking down the steps. I made sure to grab onto the railing, just in case my clumsiness decided to come back to haunt me.
Edward was waiting for me at the bottom of the steps, a huge smile on his face. He was wearing nice khaki slacks and a button down shirt that was covered with a black jacket.
"You look beautiful." He complimented.
"Thank you." I blushed.
"Do you mind?" He asked reaching for the blanket in my hand.
"No," I shook my head. "No, take it."
He grabbed it and wrapped it around his arm.
"So, Alice told me that you were taking me somewhere." I attempted, without hope of succeeding, to have Edward tell me where he was going to take me. "Where are we going?"
"It's not where we're going; it's how we're going to get there."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
Edward grinned. "Follow me." He grabbed onto my hand and started to guide me to the side of his house.
"You didn't buy me a car, did you?" I screamed at him. "Because if you did-"
"Calm down Bella." Edward laughed. "I didn't buy you a car."
"Then what do you mean-"
A weird sound came from a few feet away, making me stop in midsentence. I looked around Edward to see a huge red sleigh and a reindeer. A real life reindeer. Emmett was petting it behind the ear as he fed it a carrot. Rosalie was working on something in the sleigh.
"Is the sleigh ready?" Edward asked.
Rosalie nodded, wiping away grease from her hands onto a white towel. Her hair was in a high ponytail and she had grease on her cheeks. Even in greased stained clothes and dirty hair she still looked like a runway model.
"You should've asked for Blitzen…or Comet." Emmett let go of the reindeer's ear and turned towards us.
Edward rolled his eyes. "They need their rest; they have a big day ahead of them. I was lucky to even get Olive."
Blitzen? Comet? Where had I heard those names before?
I let go of Edward's hand and went to go pet Olive. She let out a loud breath and took several steps forward, pulling the sleigh a long with her. Emmett handed me a carrot. I held it out for her. She sniffed it a little before starting to nibble at it. I pet her muzzle with my gloved hand. She let out a weird sound that was a mixture of a horse and a goat.
"How's old Nick doing?" Emmett asked, going back to scratching the reindeer behind her ear.
"Good." Edward wrapped his arm around my waist. "He hasn't changed any from the last time we last saw him, except, he has gotten a little bigger."
"Carlisle told him to lay off the milk and cookies." Rosalie said from the sleigh.
Olive had finished the carrot and was now licking my glove.
"Be careful." Edward pulled my hand away. "She bites. One of the elves that take care of her accidently got his pinkie finger bit off because of carelessness."
My mouth dropped.
"It grew back!" Edward added quickly. "But I still want you to be careful."
Emmett let out a loud snort. "I hope it was Alfred. I never liked him and his dorky little glasses."
I frowned at Emmett. I had never heard him say anything negative about anyone, besides one of the Cullen family- but that's usually joking.
"Alright, everything is set." Rosalie jumped out of the sleigh.
"Do you think that Olive will be able to handle you two?" Emmett asked. "I know that you don't weigh nearly as much as Nick but still it takes eight reindeers to pull him."
"It used to be nine." Rosalie mumbled dryly under her breath as she handed the reins to Edward.
"Hey! Rudolph had what was coming to him." Emmett raised his hands in the air.
"We'll be fine." Edward ignored Emmett's comment. "We're not putting as much weight in the sleigh as Nick does, and we're not going as far and as fast."
I swear I heard Olive let out a low groan of disapproval. But it was probably me just personifying the reindeer.
Edward grabbed my hand and led me to the sleigh. He jumped in first and then lifted me into it. The seats were made out of red velvet. The person that he got this sleigh from must have been a really big fan of red.
"Ready?" Edward asked throwing the blanket around my legs.
"Yes." I nodded, grabbing onto his hand.
He smiled at me and let out a low tch, tch. Olive started to trot down the driveway, dragging us a long with her. Edward kept one hand on the reins and the other cupping mine. Olive kept a slow pace. I was surprised that Edward could stand Olive walking so slowly. He usually had a need for speed.
"This is a great idea, Edward."I pulled my legs onto the seat and scooted closer to him. "Really romantic." I put my head on his shoulder and watched as Olive trotted (do reindeers trot?) down the drive way.
I was excited. Edward was taking me on a one reindeer open sleigh ride across town. Of course, I was slightly curious where he got the sleigh…and the reindeer.
He smiled at me. "You haven't seen anything yet."
He let out another tch, tch, and slapped the reins. Olive started to speed up. The sleigh shook with the speed. We were getting closer to the end of the driveway where we have to take a sharp turn to the right or the left. If she kept up this speed and then decide to turn, the sleigh would tip over.
"Edward!" I pulled my head away from his shoulder and tightened my grip around his arm. "Edward, slow down! She's going too fast."
"She's doing fine, Bella." He smiled at me before turning back to Olive. "Keep going Olive! You're doing fine." He slapped the reins again. Olive started to speed up.
I pushed my face into his shoulder. My heart was pounding in my chest. I was screaming with my mouth close. My eyes were shut tight and I was holding onto Edward with all of my strength. I felt like I was on a roller coaster and it was too late to get off of this ride.
We were moving so fast the sleigh was actually jumping off the ground. It would jump up a few feet before falling back down. "C'mon Olive!" Edward screamed. "Don't wimp out on me now!"
The sleigh jumped off the ground again. I waited impatiently for it to fall back to the ground. My hand that was holding onto the seat was now around Edward. My nose was digging so hard into his shoulder that I wouldn't be surprised if I accidently break it.
"Edward!" I screamed, not lifting my head away from his shoulder. "Edward, make her slow down."
"Why would I do that?" Edward asked- a hint of humor in his voice. "If we slow down any, we might fall."
I pulled my head away from my shoulder and looked ahead at Olive. We weren't surrounded by trees anymore. We were surrounded by a black sky and clouds. I let out a loud scream and jumped from the shock. We were flying. We were actually flying. I don't know how we were flying, but we were flying.
"Edward." I gasped looking up at him. He was smiling at me. "Edward, we're not, you're not, that deer is, we're flying!"
"We are." He nodded.
"But-but how?" I was tempted to look down, but I was too afraid.
"Well, Blitzen and Vixen decided that they wanted to get together and because they weren't careful, they made her." He pointed at Olive.
"Stop being cute Edward." I growled at him. I didn't take my eyes off of him, I was afraid to look away. I didn't want to be reminded that we weren't on the ground anymore. "How are we flying?" I asked.
"Magic?" I asked.
"Magic is the reason we're flying?" My voice was breaking with hysteria.
"Pretty much." Edward continued to nod. His eyes were shining.
"Edward, this is impossible. Reindeers can't fly! Or else people would have reindeer back rides instead of horseback rides."
"Santa's reindeers can fly."
"Santa?" I asked. I was really close to losing it and going into hysterics. I could handle vampires and werewolves, but flying reindeers and Santa Clause? That was taking it just a tad too far.
"Press the green button on the dashboard." He nodded his head in its direction.
I frowned at him. I hadn't even realized that it was there. I pressed it, cautiously. The sound of gears turning accompanied us. The red dash board moved away and revealed a several flashing lights, a stereo, a cappuccino machine, and a laptop screen with the words "Welcome Santa" flashing across it in red and green letters.
"Santa has gotten hi-tech." I observed out loud.
Edward laughed. "Rosalie fixed it up for him a few years ago."
"Rosalie can fix sleighs?" I raised an eyebrow. I still wasn't sure what I was witnessing, but if Edward says there was a Santa, well then, I guess, there's a Santa.
"The elves helped her."
"There's elves?" I raised an eyebrow.
Edward nodded. "They're not as short as people think they are, they're about average size. Santa's an elf."
"Do you want some hot chocolate?" Edward pressed a button on the cappuccino machine. A silver cup came out of nowhere and a chocolate brown liquid started to fill it up. I looked up at him and smiled.
"That is so cool." I squealed.
After the cup was filled, a stream of whip cream came out, a couple of marshmallows followed, and it was all topped off with chocolate shavings and a cherry. I grabbed the handle to the silver cup and took a sip. The cherry tickled my nose and the whip cream left a mustache, but the hot chocolate was at the perfect temperature. Not too hot that I couldn't drink it, and not too cold that I couldn't enjoy it.
"Is it any good?" Edward asked.
I licked the top of my lip and nodded. "Delicious."
He smiled at me before pressing another button. Loud music started to come out of hidden speakers. I jumped from the shock, this wasn't Christmas music.
"Santa likes Metallica?" I asked. I wasn't able to hide my shock.
Edward rolled his eyes and pressed another button. Silent Night, or what sounded like Silent Night, started to play. It was in another language. I wasn't fluent in any other language besides English, so I had no idea what language it was, or even if it was Silent Night.
"It's Gaeilge." Edward answered without me asking.
"Not as pretty as you are."
I blushed and took another sip of my hot chocolate. It was easy to forget that we were hundreds of feet in the air, with only a large red sleigh and a reindeer keeping us up when I was around him. I rested my head on his shoulder and let out a deep sigh.
He kissed the top of my head before wrapping the reins around a gold bar. "Keep going Olive." He told the reindeer. "We're just going to stay around this general area. If you get tired, please feel free to head back to the house."
"I've never heard of Olive. Why didn't anyone ever write a story about her?"
"It's because she's young. She's only five hundred." Edward explained. "The story of Rudolph was written in the late 30s, and he's been around for thousands of years. Of course, by the time that people heard his story, it was too late."
I frowned. "What happened?"
Edward sighed. "It could've happened to anyone. The fact that it happened to Emmett doesn't mean anything, he was a new born at the time, so it's understandable."
I gasped. "He-he ate Rudolph?"
"No! No!" Edward screamed. "Reindeer blood is like anthrax to us. Their blood is too pure. No, I don't think it's something that I should really talk about; you're going to have to ask Emmett about it. All I can really say is that he's the reason that Santa doesn't make vampire friendly eggnog anymore."
"Vampire friendly eggnog?" I raised an eyebrow.
"You don't want to know. Most eggnog is made out of unfertilized eggs, vampire eggnog is slightly different."
I shivered at the thought of someone cracking open fertilized eggs for eggnog. It wasn't that I didn't love Edward and I could understand his diet, and I know that I will one day have the same diet as him, but even I had to draw a line at fertilized eggs.
"I'm really happy you took me on this trip." I decided that I would change the subject. I still had tons more questions about Santa Clause, but there was plenty of time to ask them later. Right now, I wanted to cherish the moment I had with Edward, since there was so few of them.
"I'm really glad that you're enjoying yourself."
Edward leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the granite feel of his skin. I didn't mind the cold when Edward was around me, besides, Alice had dressed me up in so many layers that I was slightly grateful to have something cold touch me, especially Edward's lips.
"There's something I've always wanted to try." I smiled at Edward when he pulled away.
"What's that?" He asked.
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and because I was sure I would need it. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Mrs. Clause was lying next to Santa on their bed. Santa refused to turn off the light and kept his full attention at a snow globe that he was holding in his lap.
"Why isn't it snowing?" Mrs. Clause asked. "It's not romantic unless it's snowing."
"Isabella doesn't like the snow." Santa answered mindlessly. His green eyes sparking as he watched the vampire and his human girlfriend share a kiss.
"Everyone likes the snow." Mrs. Clause continued. "Make it Snow, Nicholas. It can't be Christmas unless it snows."
"She's from Phoenix. She's used to it not snowing."
"But everyone loves the snow. Remember when we used to go on sleigh rides together? Back when we had Rudolph…" Mrs. Clause let out a deep sigh.
"Edward says that Emmett has apologized for his actions, but I'm still not taking him off the naughty list."
"It was an accident and you were the one that gave him the eggnog, knowing full well that he was a newborn vampire."
"That's not the reason he's not on the naughty list." Santa frowned. It was queer to see that expression across his usually jolly face.
"Then what is it?"
"He fed Olive cheese."
A/N: The ending is poking fun at all those stories where if you give an animal cheese, it starts to fart a lot. I thought that would be perfect ending for this story, just because I wanted something that was kind of funny and cheesy (HAHAH! Get it?) That would have people laughing. Alright, this is my second holiday one-shot. If you like it, check out the story that I wrote with Bronze. It's an all human one-shot that's called Every Kiss Begins with Kay. Make sure to review, please and thank you!
Daddy's Little Cannibal