Love Potion No. 9
(A/N BEFORE YOU READ THE STORY!! I came up with this on the spot. It will be based off an old song called, Love Potion No. 9 by The Clovers. If you have never heard the song, well, I would suggest looking up the lyrics or searching for the actually song. The song wasn't meant to be serious, which makes it all the more funnier. So enjoy this funny one shot.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Petshop of Horrors or the song Love Potion No. 9
I stood perfectly still as I held a handed to my sore red cheek. I looked at the tall, thin brunette before me. I had screwed up royally. Her deep blue eye bore into me as she stood shaking in anger. What was once a very expensive dress was now nothing more than a large dirty rag soaked in mud and food stains.
Bridget was kind enough to give me just one chance with her after a month of asking her nicely (Nagging and whining was more like it.) Now even before the date got hardly underway I had managed to spill dinner in her lap and on the way out to the car I knocked her down in the parking lot into a large mud puddle.
"I never should have said, yes to you, Leon," she snapped and turned her back to me.
"But, Bridget," I said only to have her march off. "I didn't mean to! At least let me take you home."
"I'm taking a taxi and don't you dare talk me ever again, you moron," she snapped and she rounded the block and left me all alone.
I stood there with slumped shoulders and a throbbing cheek. For Christ's sake I didn't do it on purpose! It took me a month to get to her to say, yes and less than an hour I run her off. This wasn't the first time something went wrong on a date but why couldn't a guy catch a break somewhere?
I slumped down in my usual seat at Count D's shop. I felt horrible and I was pretty sure didn't look much better either. My cheek was still a little pink. I let out a long sigh a D walked in with pot of hot tea.
"So, should I even ask how your date went?" D asked, setting a cup of tea in front of me. "What happened to your face?"
"Do you really have to ask?" I groaned, taking the cup in my hands. "I don't know what I did. I wasn't trying to do anything stupid but I did."
"I'm almost scared to ask," D said, picking up his cup and brought it to his mouth.
"I first knocked dinner into her lap while at the restaurant, and then, when we left I knocked her into a mud puddle," I moaned, looking down at my tea cup.
I heard the Count make an odd noise similar to choking and holding in something vocal. D had his tea cup closer to his face than need be and trails of tea dripped off his chin bone. Something was up.
"Is something wrong?" I drawled as D sat up straight and set his cup down in a hurry before grabbing a napkin to wipe his mouth.
"Uh, no, it just went d-down the wrong w-way," D chocked out with a grin, wiping off his mouth and chin. "You were saying?"
"I mean, something wrong happens every time I go out with a girl," I sighed, setting my cup down as well. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the ladies."
"You want I should make you a list?" D said, brushed a piece of hair out of his face.
"Not funny. I've tried everything I can think of and every time it blows up in my face," I grumbled, rubbing my still sore cheek.
"Everything? Ah, wait. I have an idea for you, Mr. Detective," D said happily as I muttered something under my breath. "One time I couldn't get some of my pets to court with each other so I took my troubles down to Madame Rue."
"Madame who," I moaned.
"Madame Rue. You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth?" D said and I gave him a quizzical look. "She's got a pad down on 34th and Vine."
"Oh, yeah, her. That old woman gives me the creeps," I shuttered at the thought of her. "What about her?"
"Well, I heard she was sellin' little bottles of Love Potion Number 9," D explained and got a weird look from me. "I'm serious. Whatever that stuff was that she put in there worked."
"Is this a love potion or something similar to Viagra?" I asked and D shook his head.
"No, it's not something similar to Viagra," D snapped, giving me an angry look. "Now listen. I'm sure she can make you a batch of it."
"I don't know, D. Love potions? Sounds fishy to me," I explained, picking up my cup again.
"It works," D said, standing up.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"You mean where are we going, Mr. Detective," he grinned at me, before taking my hand. "We're going to see Madame Rue."
"Now wait just a minute," I protested but I soon found myself walking out the door with the Count.
(Count D's POV)
I was pretty sure Madame Rue could help my dear detective. I actually never gave my pets any of that—whatever it was she passed off as a love potion. But Leon was another story. If it worked it work and if it didn't at least I had some fun at his expense. We soon found ourselves at 34th and Vine. Her shop was only three buildings down.
Leon was hesitant to walk in on his own. So I went in with him, still holding his hand. I don't think even noticed that was holding his hand until he saw Madame Rue and tried to make a run for it out the door. I wouldn't let him go and with a little help from the gypsy we got him sitting down. I stood behind him, keeping him in the chair.
"So, young man, what can I do for you?" she asked with a grin, showing off her golden tooth, which was like one of three teeth in her whole mouth.
"Nothing really," Leon said, trying to stand but I pushed him back into the chair.
"Ah, surely there must be something," she said with glint in her beady eyes.
"Go on, Leon, this why I brought you," I whispered in his ear.
Leon muttered something as he squirmed in his seat.
"You have to speak up. My hearing is going," she said, putting a hand to her ear.
"I'm a flop with chicks," he said, loud enough for her to hear. "I have been this way since 1986."
With an old term like that I really wonder why he's a flop. I could see a sparkle in her eyes as she looked a Leon. Oh, this was going to be good.
"Here, here, give me your palm," Madame Rue said, reaching out for Leon's hand.
She took his hand and flipped it over to look at his palm. She traced a long, red, jagged nail over the lines in Leon's palm. I could feel Leon tense as I held him in the chair. She would muttered and shake her head at times. Leon only grew even tenser the longer she held his hand. She then made an odd sign over his hand and muttered something.
"AH!" she said loudly and Leon jumped, in turn making me jump.
"Wh-what?" he choked as she continued to stare at his opened hand.
"You're love line is very, very poor," She stated as Leon rolled in eyes and I tried not to laugh. "What a pity. A young man like you without the love of your life by your side. Don't worry. I know just the thing."
"You don't really have to—"
"Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head, young man," she said. "What you need is Love Potion Number 9."
She stood and walked over to a cabinet. She bent down and started to pull all manner of items out. She then turned around and gave Leon a wink. Leon cringed and I did the same. Maybe this really wasn't such a good idea after all.
"I'm gonna to mix it up right here in the sink," she said, walking over to rather nasty old metal sink.
After a few minutes of waiting she walked over with a small magenta bottle and handed it off to Leon. She then held out her hand out for something else.
"That will be 35 dollars," she stated.
"What?! Thirty-five dollars for this little thing?" Leon said, opening the bottle and looked in. "It smells like turpentine and looks like Indian ink."
Then Madame Rue turned toward me with her hand out stretched.
"Fine, I'll pay for it," I sighed, pulling out my money pouch and paid the old gypsy.
She counted it to make sure I hadn't shorted her. Leon just continued to look at the black muck with in. This was the exact reason why I had never gone through in giving this to my beloved pets. Was it cruel of to make Leon take this coughpoisoncough when I had lied about it working in the first place? If it was cruel I wasn't feeling very guilty about it.
"Well, aren't you going to try it?" Madame Rue mused with her nearly toothless grin. That was really disturbing.
Leon and I both looked back into the bottle's contains and felt slightly sick. Leon then turned his eyes to look at me. What did he want me to do?
"Just what is it suppose to do?" Leon asked.
"Oh, I think you know," she said in response. Indirect answers are never good.
Leon let out a breath before he looked back at the black liquid again. Was he really going to take that? I need a camera!
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, and dared to actually take a drink. Bad idea!
"YUUUCK!!" I gagged. "Oh, this is just as nasty as it looks and smells!"
"Don't worry, the taste will fade in a bit," that old gypsy said to me in a careless tone. "Just give it a few seconds."
"Fade my ass! This stuff is horrible," I spat wanted to bring it back up.
"Just what is supposed to happen?" D asked, looking carefully at the old gypsy. Wait a minute!
"I thought you say you tried this out on your pets," I bit out at him.
"I kind of never gave it to them," D laughed lightly, backing away from me.
"Why you," I growled at him and started to advance on him. "You lied to me!"
"I was only trying to help," he said, backing up into a small corner. "Now, Leon, don't do anything stupid!"
I had him cornered, literally. This was going to be good. He was going to regret making me drink that shit. Finally, I had a good enough reason to—whoa! I-I don't feel so good. My head is starting to spin. I'm having a hard time keeping my balance. Just what was that stuff I just drank?
"Oh, good it's starting to kick in," I heard her say but her voice sounded distant and tinny.
"Mr. Detective, are you all right?" I heard the Count say his voice also sounded distant and tinny. "Just what was in that stuff, Madame Rue? He looks sick!"
I'm starting to get disoriented. I don't know if it's day or night. What day was it? Where am I? My vision is doing weird things. It's dark yet it's bright with flashes and swirls of colors. I'm starting to feel really good and giddy. I can feel a smile slide across my face.
"This is perfectly normal. There is nothing to worry about."
"Perfectly normal?! He looks high—he's acting high! I hope you know he's a detective! You can get is trouble for this!"
Who's that? The voice sounds familiar. It sounds pretty…
"Trouble? I haven't been in trouble yet. Nothing in that will be found on any drug test."
"Leon, I'm going to take you home. I think you need to lay down for a little bit. Leon, can you hear me? Leon?!"
What a pretty voice… I like it a lot.
"I have a room in the back you can set him down there."
"No thank you. I'm taking him back home. C'mon, Mr. Detective, we're leaving."
Whose voice is that? It's so pretty. I feel someone grab my hand and start leading me towards a bright light.
"This was a bad idea."
I stop dead bring the person to a stop. I feel like I should do something before this happy feeling leaves.
"Leon, come along, I've got to…. Leon—what—what are you—now hold on—Leon, don't—LEEE—MMMPH!!"
(Count D's POV)
Not good! Not good! Leon has his arms wrapped firmly around mine and I can't move! On top of that he's actually kissing me! On the lips I might add! He's leaning in so deep I'm forced to lean back as he holds me in his arms. I have a feeling Leon is just acting on impulse! But oddly enough I don't really seem to put out by this action. I'm a little surprised but I'm not really upset about this incident.
Well, that was until I got a knowing look from Madame Rue. She had her that gold tooth of hers shining the brightly in the sunlight she was smiling so wide. Now this was causing problem. I hope she didn't think that… She wouldn't think that Leon and I were… She was thinking it. I knew she was!
"LEON," I yelled, turning my head to break his kiss. "STOP THAT!"
I manage to slip an arm free and slap him across the face. Of course I was careful about my nails; I didn't want to break one over his face. He let go of me and I was able to pull away from him, catching my breath. The next thing I knew Leon kissed the draperies, then a display case full of more potions, a crystal ball, the front door, and to my horror, Madame Rue. He was kissing everything in sight! The horror of it all!
"LEON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I scream at him he kisses that old witch, before I pointed a finger at her! "AND, YOU, DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM! HANDS OFF HIS ASS!"
"Oh, are you jealous?" that bitch Rue grinned at me before, pinching Leon's cheek. "He such a cute young man. I think I'll keep him for myself."
Me jealous? Ha! Puh-lease! As if I would ever be…
"GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BA-A-ACK!!" Well, maybe just a little bit jealous.
I grab Leon by the back of shirt and pull him away from that OLD gypsy. A moment later I'm holding onto an empty shirt as I hear the bell over the door ring and Leon's half nude body blaze pass the front windows. When did he get of his… OH, SCREW IT!
"LEON!! LEON, COME BACK HERE," I chased after him, with his shirt still in my hands. "MR. DETECTIVE! PLEASE STOP!!"
I'm getting really worried now! He just kissed a lamppost, a trashcan, a bench with green wet paint, and a mailbox! Is that a federal offence? He's almost at the corner of 34th and Vine. I have to reach him before he ends up kissing the ground if tries to kiss a moving vehicle!
"LEON, STOP," I called out to him as I run toward him as fast as I could. "LEEEEOOOONN!!"
Someone just turned the corner, heading right for Leon. This is bad! This is very bad!
"Leon, don't do it," I called out as things went from very bad to worst in a flash. "I'm too late!"
He just kissed a cop down at 34th and Vine!! And to make matters worse that wet paint is now smeared all over the cop's face! He is so dead! Leon is so out of it he doesn't know what he as done! What should I do? What should I do? Play dumb? No, that would be cruel. I put him in this mess so I need to get him of it. But how?
What was that? I look down to see that the cop just broke Leon's little bottle of Love Potion No. 9. Leon is then thrust up against the wall and his hands brought around behind him as the cop put the cuffs on him. Maybe I should wait to intervene. No point in both of us winding up in the slammer.
(Leon's POV 3 days later)
I stared through the bars of my cell at D and my Captain. Needless to say this hadn't turned out well. When it was announced that I was arrested for drug use I almost lost my job. When I sobered up they made me do the usual pee into a little cup for a drug test bit. I wasn't granted bail and D kept trying to bail me out but until the test results returned I was left here. I never thought I would be stuck behind bars like this.
"We have your test results back, Leon," my boss said and I looked at him anxiously. "The results are negative. However, even though you got over heated and started to hallucinate, the fact still remains that you kissed a fellow officer."
What?! Over heated? I wasn't over heated that day. Oh, wait, I get it. Thank you, Count D!
"You're out on a 500 dollar bond and you are suspended for the next two weeks," he tells me. He's got to be kidding!
"I'm what?! I'm suspended for 2 weeks?!" I shouted at him. Bad move, dummy!
"Keep that up and I'll make it 3 weeks," his snapped at me. "And without pay. You are suspended with pay so don't do anything stupid like this again, Orcot."
"Yes, sir," I muttered. Oh, this is horrible.
"Count D has already paid your bond and you're free to go," my boss said in calmer tone.
One of the guards opened my cell and I walked out. Finally I was getting out of here. D and I both soon left the jail and called a cab. I wonder how long it took D to come with the idea of me over heating to explain what I did.
"I hope you know you owe me 500 dollars," D tells me as we get the cab.
"I what?! You were the one to get me in that mess in the first place," I yelled at him but he didn't seem fazed by it. "I don't owe you anything!"
"Where to?" the driver asked.
"Chinatown," D answered, before turning back to me. "Fine but you owe me 35 dollars for that stupid potion you made me buy for you."
"I never wanted it the first place!" He was trying to rob me.
"Then you shouldn't have drunk it! You caused me a lot of trouble because of that little bottle," he yelled back me before thrust piece of paper in my face.
"What's this?" I asked as I snatched it out of his hands.
"A list of what you did after you ingested that so called Love Potion," he snapped at me. "Well, read what you did!"
I drew in a sharp breathe and let it back out in ahard snorted as I looked down at his so called list of thing I—HOLY SHIT!!
"I DID ALL THIS?!!" I looked at the list from hell and then back at D. "I kissed Madame Rue!! Madame Rue?!!"
"That's not all you kissed," he sighed. "You also kissed a display case, draperies, a crystal ball, a trashcan, a mailbox, a newly painted bench, and lamppost, the police officer, and…"
I noticed his face flushed pink and he diverted his eyes from me. What was his problem?
"Well, what else?" I asked and he jumped.
"Oh, it's nothing," he grinned, waving his hand at me. "That's most everything you kissed."
"Most but not all," I growled, getting in his face and he only grew pinker in color. "What else was there, Count?"
He seemed become uncomfortable all of a sudden. He was tensing badly. He then lifted one of his thin, pale fingers and pointed it to his face. And awkward grin cut his face and I stared at him. Oh, hell…
"YOUUU!!" I yelled as he meekly nodded his head. "I kissed you?!"
"If you had a choice between me and Madame Rue who would choose?" he had the gall to ask me that?
"Neither!" I shouted at him.
I kissed the Count! I kissed that asshole?
"It wasn't on the…"
"Yes it was. It was also long and deep, mind you."
"Oh, shit! Then I actually—on the…" I felt faint.
I kissed him on the lips. I kissed Count D on the lips. I don't remember any of it but if I kissed Madame Rue maybe it was a good thing I don't remember, but still, I kissed the Count. On the lips!
"You know, Leon," He said, scooting closer to me and I found myself already against the door. "You do have a real knack of it."
"F-for what?" I asked as he leans in even closer to my face.
"Oh, you know what, Leon," D said with sly tone, grabbed the front of my shirt with his hands and pulled me in closer to him. "I wouldn't mind doing it again."
"Uh, you mean the—oh, boy…" our noses are touching and my face is flushing. "Count… I… That is…"
"AHEM!! I'm right here, you know?! I can see you in my rearview mirror quite clearly. Can't you at least wait until I get you to Chinatown?"
Oh, yeah, I forget we were in a taxi. Oops.
(A/N That's the end of the story. I hope you all liked it. I worked on it for a while. It was a longer story than I thought. I hope it was fun to read. Buh bye!)
Millie M. Banshee