The small sponge in my hand was doing nothing. Of course with the movements it made against my skin, any human's skin would be raw by now. I had washed my entire body with this little green sponge, and I couldn't get rid of the sight of blood on my hands. I washed my hands, my arms, my torso, my legs. Nothing was working. I could still see the blood everywhere. But the water was clear. It was no longer tainted with red.
I gave my body a rest from being cleaned and rubbed at my face furiously. Never, never before had I lost control. Yes, we had only been with the Cullen's for six years, and Jasper had made more mistakes than I did. I don't even know what happened. One minute I was sitting in the empty classroom, helping the girl – who no one noticed at school – with her math homework during lunch, and she cut herself. I had been around human blood before, and I had never thought of lunging, but this was different. I hadn't eaten in a couple of weeks. Maybe that's why.
But none of that mattered. I had killed her. And now my red eyes were sought out by Jasper's golden eyes. Different from usual, yes, but there was still a sense of familiarity in the exchange. I moved to scrubbing at my arms again, and I wished that I could have sensitive skin for just this once. I wished I could feel that I was washing my skin. I wished I could feel the hot water running down my back. I wished I could feel something. Anything.
I wished I could know what was going to happen to the family now that their daughter was dead. She didn't have any friends at school, so there was nothing to worry about there. But I felt horrible nonetheless. She was someone I sat next to in three of my classes. I had always noticed her. And now I had killed her… This had to have been what Jazz felt like when he killed someone.
I could feel sobs building in my chest. I didn't really care. Why not just let them come? It's not as if I could hide them from anybody here anyway. My hair had a palm full worth of shampoo resting in it. I could feel the water start getting to it and it was traveling down my face. Out of instinct I closed my eyes. Not that it would hurt me… just instinct.
That's what had led me to this shower. Instinct. It was my instinct to kill that girl because she opened her skin and let the ruby liquid drip out. But I had gone so long without a human. I couldn't remember the one before her.
My arm was constantly covered in bubbles that were constantly washed away by the water, but I could still see her blood on my hands… covering my jeans that I had just bought. Even on my shirt. I was never so messy when I hunted. I remember that Jasper had walked in just as I was finishing. He must have felt the strange change in emotions in the room. He only looked at the girl, my mouth still at her wrist – where she had cut herself on accident. I hadn't meant to, it just happened. He walked over and picked me up effortlessly and took me home.
He explained to Carlisle what he had seen. I wasn't talking. They only looked at me sympathetically. When I heard Edward, Rose and Emmett coming home, I excused myself to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror I saw that I had blood almost everywhere. I couldn't stand it, so – again acting on instinct – I broke the mirror. Next to be destroyed were my clothes. I ripped them off me, desperate to get rid of all memories from what had happened.
And that led me here. Rubbing at my arms furiously, hoping I could draw my own blood. Just make myself bleed. Anything to make any of this better. My eyes in the mirror had been red. I was used to the red eyes somewhat. Jasper got them every once in a while, but on myself… it was a frightening sight. I wouldn't be able to go back to school for a few months. And because I had done the same for him, Jasper wouldn't either. We would claim some sickness, excusing us from our classes.
In my mind the bubbles on my arms and the water that washed them off was red. Stained by the blood that covered my arms, hands, legs, torso, even my face. I couldn't help but bringing up her face as I lunged at her. Alice Cullen, small girl who is always happy-go-lucky, lunging at her with a crazed look on her face. She must have been so taken off guard, so… terrified. I scrubbed at my arms harder. The blood wasn't coming off.
Two years, roughly, I had gone without a human. I didn't know it could take such a toll on me. It was only two years, and it was my instinct. And it was making me have a mental breakdown.
My hands moved more quickly with my scrubbing, and I once again wished that I could feel pain. I wished I could feel anything. Hurt, pain, fear… I wanted to feel it all, I wanted to feel regret for this, but I couldn't even feel that. I could feel everything good, even when I didn't want to. I could still feel my love for Jasper, my adoration for Edward and Emmett and Rosalie and Esme and Carlisle. All these things I could feel, but none of them I wanted to feel at this moment. My hands stopped their action and I lashed out.
I quickly took my hand back, feeling sorry for breaking the wall. I don't know why, perhaps it was anger… That would have been nice. I looked at the dent in the wall. At least I didn't use full strength. My mouth hung open and I resumed scrubbing my hands.
I could feel the hands before I saw them. My eyes were closed, but I still should have seen his hands coming to stop me. My head was bowed and he was prying the soap and scrubber from my hands.
"Alice," he said quietly. I shook my head. I couldn't bear to look at him, I couldn't bear to have him see me like this. At my worst. I was still covered in blood.
"Alice, it's alright," he said soothingly. That made me smile. I usually said that to him every time something like this happened. I looked up at him, sadness and regret – though fake – written upon my face. He turned the water off and took one of the towels and wrapped me up in it, then did the same with himself. He wasn't in the shower long, but he was still soaking. I just stood there motionlessly. He picked me up and carried me to our room. I curled into his chest.
"It's not like me," I said lightly. He nodded in understanding. He was never one for talking much. To hear five sentences out of him at once was a rare occasion. I heard whispers from downstairs, but ignored them. Jasper set me on the bed and got dressed quickly.
"I have to talk to them," he said. I looked at him and nodded. I knew what they were going to talk about. How their little Alice had finally cracked and had her first human since coming to live with them. I wouldn't pay attention, I didn't feel I needed to.
Two hours later Jasper came up to our room and told me what they decided.
Jasper and I apparently had Mononucleosis, that would keep us out of school for a month. Yes, the rumors would become more intense than they already were, but I didn't care really. I nodded.
He sat down behind me on the bed and put his arms around me. He kissed my head. "I still love you," he whispered in my ear. I smiled. He always knew what to say.
I turned around to look in his golden eyes. I could feel him searching my red ones for something. "I love you too," I said, forgetting completely about the difference in our eyes.
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