I was picking up take-out for Charlie for dinner from the one of the local restaurants. I had done this more often then I should but Charlie never complained when I just couldn't cook, although he didn't exactly know the extent of why I couldn't, just the basic gist of it. I wasn't usually hungry much anymore so only Charlie ate therefore it didn't affect me. Especially since whenever I do eat, I don't really taste the food anymore. Eating was just another way to prevent death –the final separation from this world in which I craved so deeply to be free from.
"16.89." The girl at the counter told me and I snapped my head up to look at her. She wore a black coat and black jeans with a nametag that read "Allie". A sharp jolt of pain coursed quickly through my veins her name was too close to another name that I have been avoiding along with six other names for the past year.
I dug through my purse, taking my credit card out of my wallet and handing it to the girl. She scanned the card and gave me my receipt, the paper bag filled with Charlie's super and waved me off with a fake cheery "Have a great night".
The restaurant was one of the nicest in Forks but it wasn't over expensive and tacky like 'The Lodge' so I came here for many of my dinner trips. There were rows of tables each with a small decorative light as the center piece and utensils, cups and menus. The restaurant was a family place but also had a bar and karaoke stage where at the moment, a slender man was singing a remix of the latest popular song.
I turned swiftly to exit when then slender man stopped singing and the DJ spoke into his microphone.
"Alright, we have a new guy here today to dazzle you with his talent," The familiar jolt crashed through me again when he said 'dazzle'. "Give it up for Edward Cullen!" He finished, his voice booming.
I froze immediately, my mind and body shutting down as I stared at the stage, not believing what I saw. Edward walked onto the platform looking the exact same, if not more perfect then when I saw him before. His eyes were warm and golden, his hair sexily messy and beautiful bronze, the muscle outlines through his tunic and his perfect face, although it was not complete with a crooked smile as I had hoped. His eyes met mine when he caught me staring and for some reason, they were filled with sorrow.
"Is this the
moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry"
His velvet voice echoed beautifully through the room.
The lyrics tore through me easily for he may not be able to cry but he had broken several other promises. All of which resulted in my heart being broken.
it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?"
I resisted the urge to scoff at the first line because he did the opposite, he told me he would. And he did. Apparently it was only my mind that wanted to scoff at the line because a quiet, choked, dry sob came out of my mouth, though I hardly recognized the sound as my own voice.
The other two lines were 'hello captain obvious'. How exactly was I supposed to not feel alone when almost everyone I cared about left?
"And all you know
seems so far away and everything is temporary
rest your head
I began to question what was going on as he continued his song. Why was he doing this? Why was he in Forks? He didn't even want to be friends with me so why the hell was he singing this song, giving me misinterpretations of the one thing I wanted most in life. And what did he mean by singing this song because he was by no means 'permanent' as much as I may wish.
My tears were falling freely down my face by now and I couldn't understand how I had lasted through the first two verses. The tears only made the song worse though, burning down my cheeks reminding me of how weak I was. Which is why he left me – I am nothing more than a weak, useless human.
know he's living in hell every single day
And so I ask oh God is there some way for me to take his place"
How would he know how I felt? He never bothered to call or write to ask me. Edward was so self-loathing and caring, he would happily take anyone's pain for them to be happy.
Even thinking his glorious name hurt me deeply, which I could not understand for he was standing in the very same room as me so his name should not matter. . . . But it did.
"And when they say
it's all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away"
Why did he keep saying these things!? Did he want to hurt me that much? What did I ever do to deserve all the agony that I suffered daily? I was angry, or at least, I tried to tell myself that. But the thing is, I was not angry at him and to be honest, I don't think I could ever be upset with him – I was angry at myself for not being good enough for him. I always knew that I wasn't and I knew he would eventually leave but once I finally thought we could get through anything together, he leaves.
"But still you say
Will you think that you're all alone
when no one's there to hold your hand?"
The verse again set something off in me and I blinked angrily through the tear, trying to clear my eyes. Of course I feel alone! I wanted to scream it at him to make him understand because he might be fine and happy with his new 'Bella-free' life, but I sure as hell was anything but happy. I don't remember happiness; it's a foreign emotion to me now.
My fists clenched and I was sure I saw him flinch; not out of fear of physical pain I was completely sure but more from uncertainty and inner pain. At least that's how I felt most of the time.
"When all you know
seems so far away
and everything is temporary,
rest your head"
I listened to the next lines of the chorus and when they ended, I instantly braced myself for the next line, the one I had been dreading since the first time I heard it. The line that was the biggest lie of them all and hurt the most to hear out loud. Especially by him.
" I'm permanent
I had sucked in my breath as soon as he said 'I'm' and now released it, letting a gust of air escape from my mouth. I toyed with the idea that maybe, just maybe he would come back to me. At least so we could be friends. I mean, why would he go to all this trouble just to hurt me. No, I thought. Edward would never do that whether he hated me or not.
I knew I was being ridiculous, even imagining that Edward would have any feelings whatsoever towards me but the way he said the last line of the chorus; it just sounded so sincere.
"Is this moment
where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry "
I noticed the minor change from the first verse and this one with the promise line. I thought for a moment to myself, wondering if I could ever forgive him for leaving. Yes, I thought. Of course! Because like I said, I wasn't actually angry with him.
The song cut out and Edward smiled weakly me. My lips quivered but I regained control and smiled back.
"I 'm so sorry." He mouthed to me and I was reminded that we were in a public place.
More tears rolled down my cheeks but for once, not feel like trickling acid. I nodded in acknowledgment and he gestured behind me.
I turned to see the entire Cullen family smiling at me and for the first time in a year, I felt happiness.
It's really short and I wrote it quickly so sorry for the spelling and grammar mistakes. I just wrote to clear my writers block. Review please :)