Nan Taylor Meets the Doctor

ann no aku

Plot: Nan Taylor meets the Doctor and Rose.

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or the Catherine Tate Show.


"Ya come up to see me? Ya come up to see me, darlin', ain'tcha?" asked Nan Taylor from her chair, a smile erupting on her face.

"Yes, Nan. And I brought you those magazines you wanted," Jamie answered, handing her a bag. He plopped down on the love seat next to her.

"Oh, what a good boy you are, darlin'." Nan peered into the carrier and pulled out the first glossy. "What the hell is this?"

"It's the magazine you wanted," he sighed.


"The TV Guide, Nan. Look, you can find all the times and channels for your favorite programs." He took it from her, demonstrating how to use it.

"I know that, darlin'!" She snatched it back and hit her grandson over the head with it. Annoyed, Nan gestured to the cover. "Who the hell is this? Looks like one of them kids you can sponsor from Africa!"

"It's Victoria Beckham. You know, from the Spice Girls."

"Well, can't she afford to eat anythin' other than spice, then? I've never seen anyone so thin. Her husband won't leave her, that's for sure." She let out a cackle, slapping her knee.

Jamie ignored her. "Nan, on my way to the store," he began, "I met some people who needed some help around the city. I hope you don't mind, but I brought them over for a cup of tea before we head on out."

"What's that?"

"I have some friends waiting out for me to," he started before being interrupted by the doorbell. "That will be them." Jamie stood up, but then stared at his Nan. "You'll need to be nice, Nan."

"Who? Me? What's wrong with them, then? They're not gingers, are they?"

"Nan . . ."

"They're fackin' gingers?! Oh, Lord bless me soul." She hastily formed the sign of the cross over her chest. "Are they contagious?"

"Nan, they're not gingers. Now be polite. They're new to here." He made his way to the front entrance. Seconds later, he returned to the parlor with a couple in tow.

His grandmother took one look at them and coughed. She lowered her voice as if the new couple wouldn't be able to hear her. "You invited over a queer and his prostitute?"

Jamie shook his head, giving his friends an apologetic look. "Nan, this is the Doctor and his friend Rose."

"Hello," the greeted together, both waving.

"Are you on that Spice Girls diet, too?" Nan demanded of the Doctor. "And what's with your eyes, darlin'? Were you beaten with a mascara wand?" she questioned, diverting her attention to Rose.

"That's enough, Nan," Jamie warned.

"Well, I'm only concerned about them, you see. One's skinnier than a toothpick and the other is all swollen in the face with some reaction to her eyeliner!"

"I'm so sorry," he apologized. "She's old."

"I'm quite old myself. Still no excuse for it."

"Can't I just hit her, Doctor?" Rose begged, glaring at the old woman from her seat on the couch.


"I sure hope they're payin' ya, Jamie!" she shouted, then looked at her guests. "He doesn't have a job. He's one of them university students. What a load of horse shit!"

"Actually, education is really important-"

"Oh, go throw up a peanut, Spice Boy!" Again, she screeched with laughter.

"Nan, you can't keep treating people this way. It isn't right."

"I always knew you were gay, son. See if your new queer friend will let you sleep with that panda-faced harlot. Maybe it'll cure ya." She shook with hilarity at her joke, hitting her knee with the TV Guide.

"Okay, Rose. Now you can hit her," the Doctor growled.

Jamie's cheeks burned a deep crimson. "Come on. Let's just go. I'm so sorry my Nan is rude."

The three left, leaving Nan to herself. She turned on the telly and flipped through the channels for a moment before exclaiming, "What a fackin' liberty!"


I hope you liked this story!

~ann no aku