Sai's Pink Half of the Drainpipe
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is probably a good thing.
(Author's note: there are so many Naruto song fics out there that I decided to contribute one of my own. However, instead of using MCR or Linkin Park or whatever, I decided to look to the awesomely funny Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band [RIP] for inspiration...)
You who speak to me across the fence
Of common sense
How your tomato plant will win a prize,
won't that be nice
And by the way, how's your wife?
Your holidays were spent in Spain
You went by train
You'll go again
Sakura Haruno and her teammate, the strange pale boy known only as Sai, sat on the grass and watched as the plain before them became filled with shadow clones. Naruto Uzumaki was preparing himself for the upcoming battle with Akatsuki by learning to use his newly-discovered wind chakra in battle. Specifically, he was trying to split a leaf. As Yamato performed the sealing jutsu and Kakashi looked on, the field of clones began their training.
Sai attempted to draw the scene, but his mind was wandering. Earlier that morning, Sakura had belted him and Naruto yet again after Sai had made a rude comment about her breasts and wondered aloud if she was actually a woman. He still had a red mark on his left cheek. It was time, he thought, to consult the book. He needed to learn the Protocol of Talking to Girls.
Have you seen me bullfight poster on the wall?
Do you know the 'appy memory it recalls?
Here's a photograph of me and my son, Ted
That's me cousin with his hanky on his head!
We booked in at our 'otel just after two
And met a family from Bradford that we knew
"AAAAARGH!" roared the various clones of Naruto that littered the plain, fractured leaves in their hands. Yamato winced slightly. The sound was not unlike that of a bull with a migraine, and his nuts caught in a vice. Still, he was used to Naruto being loud. Even giving that kid the evils wouldn't shut him up, and at least he was willing to learn.
Yamato's ears were traumatised even further when he heard a familiar voice.
"Kakashi! My rival!"
It was Maito Gai, the self-titled Green Beast of Konoha, and he had found them. Had Kakashi's entire face been visible, it would have been visibly wincing in distress. However, luckily for Gai, only one of Kakashi's eyes was visible.
"Hello, Gai," said Kakashi. "Been on a mission?"
"Of course!" boomed the spandex-clad sensei. "We've just come back from escorting some prized zebus and their trainers to Grass. Turns out they were fighting zebus. Fine beasts, they were. And we were accosted by a gang of animal thieves on the way, but of course, my students and I defeated them all with our bare hands."
"I can imagine," said Kakashi dryly.
"And you'll never guess who we met!"
"Go on," sighed the older ninja, "who?"
"Why, Team 8!" said Gai. "Kurenai and her charges had also been on a mission in the same area. A marvellous coincidence, no? Here, let me show you this picture Neji took." He thrust a Polaroid under Kakashi's nose. Kiba Inuzuka, Hinata Hyuuga, Rock Lee and Tenten were all posing together. Lee was doing the 'nice guy' pose. Kiba appeared to have a handkerchief on his head.
"Gai," said Kakashi. "I'd like to have a contest."
"Go on then," said Gai eagerly. "What's it to be, then? Running laps of the field on our hands? Eating fugu? Chasing Lee?"
"No," answered Kakashi, "it's a shutting-the-fuck-up contest, starting from...now."
Gai was about to say, "You're on!" when he realised that would have meant letting Kakashi win. Much to Kakashi's relief, he heard Lee shouting, "Gai-sensei!" Gai beamed at Kakashi and silently gave him the thumbs up, before sprinting off to see what it was Lee wanted.
Kakashi sighed, and picked up his copy of Come Come Paradise.
My pink half of the drainpipe
Separates next door from me
My pink half of the drainpipe
Belongs to me
Sai consulted the little book he kept with him at all times. Specifically, he was looking at the index, searching for the section on presents. For what better way could he make things up to Sakura than to give her a present?
The book told him that the best present was one given from the heart, rather than one given out of duty. It was not the size of the present that mattered, nor its cost; the intent of the giver was key. Moreover, it added, a personal touch definitely shows the receiver that the giver cares and has put some thought into it. Perhaps, if the giver has any specific talents, they could use them to create a really memorable gift. A song, a poem, a hand-carved wooden statue, a painting...a painting! I'm an artist, thought Sai. I could paint something. But what?
Rodney's vain saxaphone solo, as promised
Yamato tried to ignore the terrible sax solo that wafted over the plain. It seemed to be coming from the row of terraced houses that sat behind the large white wall at the end of the plain, close to where he was sitting.
"That musician sounds worse than Pakkun with his leg caught in a trap," thought Kakashi.
Elsewhere, in the Nara compound, Shikaku Nara cursed silently as he tried to sleep off his hangover, which was in no way helped by Yoshino screaming at him last night. The woman's voice was enough to wake the dead...he hoped that girl from the Sand his son kept hanging out with was a bit quieter. Still, Chouza and Inoichi had been great. They'd carried him back from the pub and stopped some idiot from attacking him. Of course, as Shikaku and his son knew only too well, no-one would be stupid enough to get on the wrong side of an Akimichi. Or a Yamanaka, for that matter. Unless they enjoyed having their mind taken over before being squashed flat.
He really missed being an active ninja. Still, if Konoha went to war again, the old Ino-Shika-Chou trio would be up and running again. Just like they were last time.
The sax player became part of a chorus featuring the Inuzuka dogs, as they all began to howl in time with the music. The shadow clones continued to attack their leaves. Not one had yet been successfully split in half, although the Narutos were certainly trying.
My pink half of the drainpipe
My pink half of the drainpipe
Belongs to moi
Splish, splash, splosh.
Sai schlepped the tin of pink paint he'd just bought around the village. The lid seemed a little on the wobbly side, and a small slug trail of paint trickled down the side of the tin.
He wondered what to paint. A mural on the wall was out of the question; he knew only too well what had happened to Naruto when, a few years ago, Naruto had had the urge to graffiti the giant rocky faces of the Hokages with paint. Under Iruka's watchful eye, it had taken him hours to clean it off. Sai didn't fancy wiping a wall clean while Yamato did the spooky eyes at him, possibly while beating him with a stick.
Perhaps he could kidnap Tonton, the Hokage's pet pig, and paint her? No, that wasn't a good idea. She was already a pinkish colour, and he did NOT want to get on the wrong side of Tsunade. Or Shizune, for that matter; he knew she was handy with needles and had a bit of a temper.
Perhaps he could paint a tree? No, that wouldn't do either. There might be a ninja hiding behind it. Asuma, the sensei of Team 10, could be using it for target practice, and Sai didn't fancy being cut in half by one of Asuma's chakra blades.
He spotted a drainpipe. Surely no-one in Konoha would object to him painting a drainpipe? It wasn't likely to be going anywhere, and besides, the village could do with a lick of paint here and there.
If Sai had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon, a lightbulb would have appeared above his head. Yes. He would paint half of the drainpipe and dedicate it to Sakura. It would be a quirky little monument for his team mate.
I have a sister in Toronto who's a nurse
And I've had a bit of bother laying turf
It's life, not books, that taught me all I've learned
Woop, in the b'oven my rice pudding's getting burned!
Ere, have you seen the new attachment on me drill?
I must have the cat put down, cause he's ill
Sakura was on her way back from her meeting with Tsunade when she bumped into three familiar figures. More precisely, they were two boys, one local and one from Sunagakure, and a large white dog. The boy from Sunagakure blushed when he saw Sakura, as she had recently saved his life with her medical skills, and he was in her debt. It was also because of the contents of his shopping bag. He hoped she wouldn't see them.
"Kankuro!" Sakura exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
The Sand-nin's face became even redder under the purple facepaint. "Well...my sister was here a while ago, before that incident with Akatsuki, and, umm...she was monitoring the Chuunin exams 'cos we want to do something similar in Suna, and I wanted to come and see for myself, 'cos I'm like a village liaison now, so, erm...Kiba-kun said he'd show me around and stuff."
Kiba grinned wolfishly. "Hey, I am a chuunin now. I've got to be responsible and all that. Exams are pointless, if you ask me. I learned how to be a better fighter through experience. Not through some test."
Kankuro snorted. "Hah. You're only saying that 'cos of that time when Naruto farted in your face and knocked you out." Akamaru barked happily. Kiba glared at him. Kankuro put his arm round the younger boy's shoulders.
I'm interrupting something, thought Sakura uneasily. Kiba's nose twitched. "Ugh, someone's burning their rice pudding." He squatted down and, in a fit of incredible dexterity, scratched his ear with his leg.
Kankuro looked at him in disgust. "Do you cock your leg when you're having a piss, too? You're not a fucking dog."
"Well, you're not a fucking cat, and yet you dress like one," retorted Kiba.
"Are you referring to my hat? It's a puppeteer's hat, you cheeky little sod."
"Shut up, moggy. Or I'll have you put down."
Akamaru made a barking noise that sounded like laughter. Kankuro smiled sweetly and miaowed while stroking imaginary whiskers. Then he caught Sakura's eye, and lowered his head.
They really are like a dog and a cat, thought Sakura. And Kankuro...I never would have thought...
"I'd better go and check on my garden," she said out loud. "Need to see how my herbs are doing. See you around." They bowed to each other, and went their separate ways. Sakura glanced over her shoulder at the bag Kankuro was carrying. Something long, skinny and twirly was poking out of it.
Could that be a drill bit? Sakura wondered. Or could it be...something else?
My pink half of the drainpipe
I may paint it blue
My pink half of the drainpipe
Keeps me safe from you!
Sai stood back and admired his handiwork. Maybe, he thought, I should have used some kind of art jutsu to paint this thing instead of doing it manually...ah, sod it. Sakura would be pleased. It was an unusual kind of present, granted – Naruto probably would have bought her a necklace or some shiny new kunai, or perhaps even treated her to ramen – but at least it was original. Sai was willing to bet no other person in the entire world, let alone Konoha, had come up with the idea of painting half of a drainpipe pink. After buying the paint, he'd wondered if blue would have perhaps been a better choice, but then realised it would probably remind her of that Sasuke Uchiha kid, the handsome boy with the black hair and the penetrating inky eyes. Orange would have reminded her of Naruto, and send her into a rage. No thanks. Black was too depressing, somehow. But pink...Sai's book had told him that pink was seen in some countries as a feminine colour, and moreover it was the colour of not only the trees after which Sakura was named, but also her hair. Therefore it was the colour with which to paint a drainpipe dedicated to her. And maybe it would keep him safe from her rages.
He hoped she'd like it. He would have to read up on Things to Say to Girls When Giving Them Presents.
I'm a wobbly jelly, you're a pink blancmange
I'm a sherry trifle, you're a chocolate sponge
Your dad wears a paper hat, mine inflates balloons
Whoops! Boodly boop! Pop! Here comes a spoon!
Ino cashed up, gave the shop floor a quick sweeping, and thought about the days' takings. Satisfied, she pulled her apron over her head and walked off to Happy Meat Heaven, where her former team-mates were waiting for her. Shikamaru chewed bubble gum and moaned to Chouji, who listened sympathetically while working his way through what appeared to be only his second helping of Korean barbecue.
"Dad's becoming such a pain in the arse these days," said Shikamaru dolefully, playing absent-mindedly with his fork. "Came home drunk again last night."
"What did he do?" chorused Ino and Chouji. Shikamaru buried his head in his hands.
"It's so embarrassing...honestly...he'd wrapped his ponytail in some old newspaper, and he was singing that bloody song that's been on the radio a lot lately. You know, the one by that guy from Shino's clan, about hearts and hives and stuff."
"So that was what Dad was on about," grinned Chouji. "He said him and Yamanaka-san had to carry your dad home."
"And Mum woke me up with her yelling," continued Shikamaru. "Honestly. Women. So troublesome..."
Anticipating a misogynistic moanfest from her team mate, Ino went to the bar, and batted her eyelashes until the barman noticed her. "Hi, Yamanaka-san, what can I get you?"
"Just some green tea, please," said Ino. "And...um...some miso soup?"
Ino returned to her table. Shikamaru alternated between blowing bubbles and moaning about his father. Chouji was engrossed in his food. Two years after the Chuunin Exams, Ino thought, and neither of them has changed. Shikamaru still whinges. Chouji's still a fat bastard. Oops...better not say that out loud.
"I'm so glad we don't have any missions at the moment," she said cheerfully, as Shikamaru peeled gum off his nose and Chouji wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
Shikamaru's expression lightened. "Yeah," he concurred, "now that we're chuunin, we're practically drowning in missions. It was good of Asuma-sensei to give us the time off." He turned to Chouji. "You having any pudding?"
Chouji browsed the menu. Trifle...anmitsu...chocolate sponge...assortment of sweet dango...blancmange...he wondered what the hell a blancmange was, and decided to go for the dango instead. Ino's miso soup arrived, and she began to tuck in. She'd only had a very small lunch, and it was always fun spending time with her team mates, despite their annoying habits.
Shikamaru took a deep breath and blew a bubble the size of his head, and Chouji sat up with a start. "Shikamaru, when you were talking about your dad...I think mine had a bit too much last night as well. 'Cos I was upstairs reading and then I heard Dad coming in, and he's telling Mum about this jutsu he learned when he was a chuunin...and..." He began to blush. Ino was intrigued. "What did your dad do, Chouji?"
"You know Bubun Baika no Jutsu?" Chouji asked. Ino nodded. She'd seen Chouji use this jutsu in battle various times. It was exclusive to the Akimichi clan, and enabled the user to enlarge a body part, usually an arm or a leg.
"Weellll," Chouji continued, "so Dad says that he developed this proxy version of the jutsu, where you can enlarge an enemy or a team mate's body part, right? Don't ask me why, I have no idea what the point of it is, but anyway, Dad asked Mum if he could demonstrate it on her..." His face grew redder. I think I know where this is heading, thought Shikamaru. Ino rapidly drank her soup.
"...so Mum says 'OK, Chouza-kun'," Chouji babbled on, "and Dad does the jutsu...and then he points at Mum and says 'Oppai!'...and..." His face was now the colour of a radish.
"What?" asked Ino, leaning over intently. She brushed her hair beside her ear to keep it out of the soup.
"Mum...her tits...they went like...BOI-OI-OI-OI-OING!" Chouji blurted, and demonstrated by flinging out his arms and pushing his chest forward. "They were bigger than Godaime-sama's."
The bubble Shikamaru was blowing popped, collapsing on his face. Miso soup snorted out of Ino's nose, as she burst out laughing. Shikamaru smiled. "Bloody hell, Chouji," he said, gingerly peeling fragments of gum from his eyelashes. "That's just...wow."
"So, Ino-chan," said Chouji, "want me to do the proxy Bubun Baika no Jutsu on you?"
"I'll gouge your eyes out with this spoon if you do," snapped Ino.
My pink half of the drainpipe
Separates me from the incredibly fascinating story of your life and every day to day event in all its
"Hey, Sakura-chan," shouted Naruto, "Sai says he's got a present for you."
Sakura's eyes widened. "Really? A present for me?" she wondered aloud.
"Yeah right, like I'd accept a present from that nutjob! Shannaro!" growled Inner Sakura.
Sai led his team mate to the freshly painted semi-pink drainpipe. They were followed by Yamato, Kakashi and Naruto, who were all intrigued as to what Sai was up to. It was a wonder Naruto could even stand, considering the intense level of his training, but then – as Kakashi recalled – the kid had an incredible amount of stamina.
"Here's your present, Sakura...chan," said Sai, indicating the drainpipe with a wave of his hand. Conveniently, Team 10 appeared just in time to hear this. Ino's face darkened with jealousy.
Sakura looked confused and asked, "Where is it, Sai?"
"Right here," said Sai airily, and pointed at the pink half of the drainpipe. "It's your pink half of the drainpipe. I painted it specially for you."
"You've given her a...drain...pipe?" asked Shikamaru, his dark eyes widening in amazement. Chouji doubled over with laughter, as did Naruto, and even Yamato's death glare did not stop them. Ino raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Kakashi's face remained expressionless.
Sakura felt as though she was standing in ice-cold water. She didn't know what to say. Naruto was, by this time, in hysterics and rolling around on the floor. "Sai...you...legend," he managed to gasp out. "Is...this...some...kind...of...joke...it's...haaaa...so funny..."
Crestfallen, Sai tried to explain about giving girls presents, and how he'd been trying to please Sakura as she always seemed to be angry at him. Sakura bit her lip. He means well, she thought. "It's, um, very sweet of you, Sai," she mumbled. "And it's a lovely colour."
Ino grinned to herself and thought that Sakura was welcome to the crazy artist. Naruto picked himself up and wiped the tears from his eyes. Shikamaru blew another bubble. Chouji's stomach began to growl. "I wish someone would give me a present," he muttered to himself. "Lucky Sakura."
Shikamaru decided his team had been hanging around watching Naruto's team make arses of themselves for long enough. "Come on, Ino, Chouji," he said briskly. "We'd better get back to training again. And Chouji, you're paying next time we go for food, alright?"
As Team 10 went off to train, Naruto decided to lighten the mood, and slapped Sai on the back. "Great idea, dattebayo!" he bellowed. "I know what'll cheer you up, how about we go to Ichiraku's?" Sai and Sakura agreed this was a good plan.
"Kakashi-sempai," asked Yamato, "how the hell did you cope with those kids?"
Kakashi merely smiled under his mask, and said nothing.