Note: Hello there. Thank you so much for reading. As mentioned in the summary, this is my take on what happened right after the ending of "Cyberwoman", where we find a distressed Ianto lying next to his dead Lisa. This begins with how Ianto got home but will develop into a different story, hopefully consisting of 5 chapters. All in Ianto's pov.
Also, this is another one of my "Thought" stories, where i describe whatever is going on inside a character's mind. So, whatever is written is bold italics, are Ianto's thoughts. Written as a part of a bedtime story but because it turned out so big, i've decided to post it as a seperate story.
Reviews are always very much welcome.
Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood. They belong to the BBC, lucky bastards.
Ianto crumbled up a piece of paper and shoved it in his pockets. A little note from one lover to another, the words buried deep inside his heart. No one needed to know what it was, no one needed to see it. They had seen enough. His endless lies had finally been discovered and revealed the terrible secret he had been hiding. He sighed in despair as he left the morgue. He felt Owen's gun pressed to his back as the medic lead the archivist to the boss' office. The mood became tense as the team knew that Jack was brooding, contemplating Ianto's fate.
All the while, Ianto kept repeating the same poem over and over again, desperately trying to deny what had happened.
I can still smell your perfume, vanilla and peach
I can still hear you sing in the shower, a nightingale's song in the wind
I can still see you smile, your pearly white teeth shining through your lips
I can still feel you touch my cheek as you leant in and whispered three little words
I can still taste you on my lips, as I savor your lingering flavor
I breath and I ache
A desire to be with you, so strong it kills me
Ianto had refused Jack's offer to drive him home. Instead, he had just wandered around in the silent and dark city, wallowing in his misery. The small amount of people he crossed on the streets looked at him funny when they saw him weeping uncontrollably in a bloodstained suit. He hadn't even washed the blood off his hands or out of his hair. The moment he left the place that had become her grave, he stopped caring about anything. He didn't care when Jack had yelled at him, angrily pinned him against the wall and even suspended him. He just stared into distance, seemingly stuck in a catatonic state with sorrow and anguish as his only companion. He heard Jack screaming at him, he saw the look on his and his colleagues' faces. But somehow he just didn't register it. Like phantoms in the corner of your eye. He didn't care. As her life slipped from her metallic body, he had been crushed to the bone. He didn't even look surprised or relieved when he realized Jack wasn't going to execute him. Too numb to focus, too oblivious of something else beside his aching heart.
I hear muffled vowels far away, distant yelling. I can hear your voice but I can't make out the words. I see your face and I see the anger. But I don't care. The only thing I do care about is gone. She lies broken in the morgue. All I've done, I've done for her. And despite my efforts, my endless lies, I have lost her. Do you know what it feels like to lose the one thing you've ever loved?
I'm numb. I can't feel anything but a scorching burning from within, freezing every other emotion. I feel your gun on my forehead and I plead for you to pull the trigger. I plead for you to make it stop. The burning, its smoldering heat blazing over my skin, is killing me. I can't make it stop and I can't make it go away. It's just there. And I stand overcome at your feet and I don't even beg for my life. Retcon, execution or worse, I don't care. Just make it stop. What else is there to keep me here?
He wandered aimlessly through the streets of Cardiff. Every street, every bench and every stop sign seemed to hold a memory of her. And even every person he saw seemed to have a particular oddity that reminded him of Lisa. So time and time again, he broke down in tears. All the while, familiar footsteps secretively followed his every move twenty meters behind him, a long greatcoat billowing in the wind as the man strode carefully behind Ianto, making sure the distressed man wouldn't do something that compromised his safety.
I take a look at my hands and I shudder as I see the dried blood. My girl's blood, mixed with my and your tears. How did it come to this? How did I end up hiding you in a terrible basement, with rats and mice crawling over your feet as you lie there injured? Why did I let this happen?
I see the bench where we shared our first kiss. I remember your beautiful brown eyes looking back at me with an undying trust that broke my heart. Before I gently pressed my lips against yours, I whispered. 'I'll be there for you … any way, any how'. I remember the smile that had crept on your lips as I spoke. My baby, It kills me that I broke the promise, my sweet princess. I tried and I have failed. I turned you and myself into a monster. I can't bare the heavy burden that rests on my shoulders. I can't bare the thought that your last months have been one struggle. I'm sorry, so sorry.
I wish I could hold you close to me one last time and just whisper that I love you, because I do. I love you and I miss you. That will never change.
I brush my fingers over the wood of the bench and it's like I can feel you again. I close my eyes and think of you. Lisa, my baby. I guess we will never have that little farm in the country, with tons of animals running around. With majestic fields for our kids to play in. My future and yours entwined. I've lost the dream the moment I've lost you. Without you, nothing is worth it.
I sealed my promise with a ring. And as I slid the ring of your cold finger, I may as well have died too. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists.
The more Ianto walked, the heavier his legs got. Stumbling, he dragged his sore body across the pavement, barely lifting his feet. A tall and angry lookingman bumped into him, causing Ianto to fall on all fours. The man, dressed in black leather trousers and a blue top, cursed at him as he spilt his coffee all over his shirt and by the looks of him, he was ready to pop the young boy one. The man knelt down and hauled Ianto back to a standing position, angrily glaring at him.
Go on, give me a reason. As if I care if you punch me into the hospital. Just know I'll punch back. I've got nothing to lose and even less to gain.
"Punch him and I'll make sure that spilt coffee is the least of your concern." a voice warned behind them.
The blond haired man heatedly glared at Jack but taking in the size and intensity of the Captain, the man wisely let go of Ianto.
"Go home sir." Jack told the man. "He's had a rough night and the last thing he needs is someone having a go at him."
The man turned his attention back to Ianto and as he took in the state Ianto was in, the angry expression quickly faded. He looked sideways and gave Jack a polite nod. He walked away, unscaved but only because Jack had managed to keep his cool.
What on earth are you doing here? Haven't you done enough for one night? Are you here to kick me whilst I'm down?
"I don't need your fucking help." Ianto hissed through his teeth.
"No, because you are doing such a great job on your own." Jack countered sarcastically.
As if you cared.
Jack reached out his arm and tried to support Ianto, who was dangerously swaying on his legs.
Ianto pushed Jack off, causing his to stagger backwards.
Don't touch me, you're like poison. Everything you touch is doomed. Everything about you spells trouble. There is nothing I need from you and there is nothing I can give you. I'm empty and it's because of you. Why didn't you just give her a chance?
"Ianto …" Jack warned, eyes fierce and both hands clenched into fists.
"What? You want to strike me? By all means, Captain Jack Harkness." Ianto replied, bitterness shining through his words as he called out Jack's name. "By all means, have a go. You've already taken everything I had so you might as well finish me off. I'm surprised you haven't already! That is the only thing Torchwood is good at. Getting rid of anything that might piss you off."
"Ianto … you need to get home." Jack said, his voice lowered and more sympathetic. He was increasingly getting worried about the young man, noticing the way he held his body and slurred his words.
"Home?" Ianto laughingly asked. "Home! What a fucking concept. I haven't had a home ever since those monsters came from hell!"
Oh God the memories. Those heavy metallic footsteps. That robotic voice. Not a shred of pity or mercy. How is it that these creatures even exist?
My sweet princess … why did they chose you and not me? I'd be so willing to trade places to save you. I can't bare the thought that you turned into one of them. Not my sweet girl. The brightest shining star in my universe. The one that had shown so much compassion, respect and love towards so many, stripped from all that made her so beautiful. I blame myself for being so stupid, a coward even for not letting you go when you were still you. But I kept you alive and turned you into a monster, a killer. Oh God Lisa, you killed, because of me. I turned you into a killer. I turned myself into a killer.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
"Contrary to what youmight believe, Ianto. I am sorry for what you've gone through."
"Don't be fucking ridiculous! You're not sorry. You're just upset your petty little club got screwed over by the invisible butler! The fucking Tea-Boy misleading the great and all powerful Jack Harkness!"
Why did you never see it? See me? You could have stopped me, if you just had taken the time to see me. I walked around the hub with such a heavy burden and no one even noticed. No one even asked. Why didn't you Jack?
"Ianto … come on. You need to get some rest." Jack stated, ignoring Ianto's troubled ranting.
"Rest? You honestly think I'm able to sleep after what happened?" Ianto responded, fresh tears glistening behind his lashes.
How can I sleep whilst she isn't here anymore to keep me warm and safe? How can I sleep with those images burnt into the back of my head? How can I sleep if I can still hear everyone screaming as their bodies caught fire? How Jack? HOW?
Jack searched for Ianto's eyes. He pulled up his chin and forced him into eye contact. "Come on, let's get you home. Out of the streets and out of the cold."
He cautiously approached Ianto again and when he didn't swat away his attempt, Jack ran his hand up and down Ianto's arm.
"She's really gone." Ianto whimpered, unwilling to believe his own words.
My baby, come back to me. I can't do this without you. How am I suppose to move on? From you? The one thing that made sense. You, it's always been you. And now it's just me. Cold, alone and afraid. Lise, I need you. Come back.
"She's been gone for quite a while. You've lost her the day the Cybermen attacked her. You should realize that Ianto. Whatever happened today, that wasn't your girlfriend."
"She … would never kill someone. Not like that, so cold and so cruel. She isn't … wasn't like that." Ianto said, words sounding more like merge between a whimper and sob.
Did I lose her then? But she was there. She talked to me, she listened to me. She kissed me. How can it not be her?
"I know. I really do. Now, come on. Let's get moving."
Jack supported Ianto as he walked him home, occasionally readjusting his grip on the man as Ianto's knees buckled.
This is too much. I can't … I just can't.
"How are you doing kid?" Jack hesitantly asked.
"Like I've just died." Ianto responded.
Jack closed his eyes and winced at the words. "You'll get through this."
"I doubt it, sir."