Somebody had to show the world why Breaking Dawn was so bad. Not recommended for Breaking Dawn lovers!


PART 1 – TELLING MUM.

Bella picked up the phone and bit her lower lip. She didn't know how to break this news to her mother, the devoted believer in late marriage. Would she forbid her to marry Edward? Would she carry her straight to Jacksonville after - ?

'Hello?' Renee's voice answered from the other side of the line.

Bella took in a deep breath. 'Mum, I'm getting married to Edward.'

'Okay, baby, tell me when I've got to go so I can check Phil's schedule.'

'What?' Bella asked, confused. 'You're not going to tell me anything?'

'Of course not! That would ruin the rest of the plot, now, wouldn't it? No, sweetie, I think you're old enough to get married to whomever you want.'

'But you're so opposed to marriage!'

'I know baby, but Mrs Meyer has been dying to write a wedding scene. From what I hear, hers was horrible, so now she's canalizing her dreams through you. Besides, you're more mentally mature than I was at your age, darling! I am a mature woman now, and I see my mistakes. You won't make them. Now, where did I leave those jelly beans?'

'Mum, I'm eighteen,' Bella insisted.

'Do you want me to stop this wedding, Bella? Because all you do is try to convince me into stopping you.'

'No! No, not at all. I love Edward, mum. I do. He's absolutely gorgeous and perfect in every physical aspect.'

'What about his personality?' Renee asked.

'Well, um… he's kind… and… honest… and beautiful…'

'Oh, baby, you're so in love!' Renee sighed delighted.

'Of course I am. I told you he was beautiful.'

'Don't worry, everything will be alright. Your aunt Sylvia got married at fourteen and never regretted it.'

'Did it turn out alright for her?'

'She died giving birth at fifteen.'

'Oh.'

That night, Bella dreamed of her marriage. Aunt Sylvia was there, beautiful at the age of fifteen, beside an old man of approximately a hundred and seven, Edward's age. At the altar, Mrs Meyer started to give them her blessing, when she suddenly pushed Bella of La Push's cliff and replaced her beside Edward.

That was when she woke up, screaming and covered in sweat.


PART 2 – THE HONEYMOON.

'I'm so hungry I could eat a hippopotamus,' Bella sighed as they arrived to Isle Esme. Edward disregarded her comment and, throwing their bags inside the cottage, he caught Bella in his arms and took her to their room.

'It's a little hot in here, isn't it?' Edward's crooked smile dazzled Bella into a blank, and she immediately blushed deep red.

'I need a human minute,' she whispered.

'No problem. I'll be swimming in the sea, totally nekkid, waiting for you. Most probably the hot water will enlarge my extremities, since atoms start to vibrate faster and faster, but no pressure, Bella. Take your time.'

'En…large?'

THREE HOURS, THIRTEEN MINUTES, FORTY-SEVEN SECONDS LATER.

Bella clutched her arms and curled up on the bathroom floor, rocking backwards and forwards with her eyes opened wide.

'I can't do this, I can't, I can't…'

But wait, said a voice inside her head. You're the one obsessed with sex. Are you backing off now?

'Of course not!' she replied to herself aloud. 'I want my sex!'

Because you love Edward, right?

'Yes, I do! He's the most beautiful person in this world!'

So go for it! He's NAKED!

'Yes, absolutely! What is there to be afraid of? Pain? Please! How could it hurt being penetrated by an ice stick? I can just pretend it's a popsickle!'

Beaming, she stood up and wrapped a towel around her naked body. She eyed the bag in the floor.

'Should I take condoms?' she wondered. After a second, she smiled again. 'Of course not! How could anyone get pregnant from a vampire filled with raging venom sperms?'

Bella dashed to the beach and threw her towel aside, diving into the water with extreme hurry. When she arrived to where Edward was standing, she wrapped her legs around his and placed her hands on his chest. Her mouth reached his, and his lips started moving eagerly against hers.

'I love you, Bella,' Edward whispered between kisses, rubbing his hands against her back.

'You're beautiful too,' she replied. With a naughty smile, she pressed herself harder against him, and his hands slid to her chest…

*INSERT ANNOYING BLACK OUT HERE.*


The first two chapters suck, so I had to put them both together. Next chapter will be up tomorrow! ;)