So, this is the thing. I finished the chapter Sunday night, as I always do. But when I tried to upload it on Monday, Fanfiction wouldn't let me login. Did it happen to you guys too? It went on for several days until today, finally, I was able to update for you. It is one of my longest chapters, and yet it is rather crappy from my point of view.
Another matter. I will, now, be updating less frequently. I have just started classes yesterday - my final year at high school, so I'll be busy with homework and, later on, with vocational talks and universities and stuff. That will come mid-year, so don't worry about it till then. Right now, enjoy what I write between maths homeworks, Shakespeare essays, and Chemistry tests. (I wonder how many people actually read this ANs? Hmm. If you got till here, tell me what your favourite colour is in your review.)
CHAPTER 15 – HERE THEY COME ON THEIR PONIES.
After a very tiring two days, they were all together again. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett had come back home with help from the outside, and even Alice had sent help from wherever she was – obviously, out of pity for their terrible, terrible fate. There were a gazillion vampires in the Cullen house, which, for Jacob, meant that down in La Push, lots of innocent little pubescent teens were fursploding maniacally.
Bella had had to repeat her Lion King maneuver for almost every guest, until Emmett knelt down before her and proclaimed eternal servitude to the 'mutant Queen.' Peter and Charlotte arrived first of all, having been sent by Alice. These are actually the only vampires that we have heard being mentioned before in Jasper's very emo story, because the rest of the vampires – aside from the Denalis – have never, ever been mentioned not even in passing before, and they just turn up out of nowhere because Meyer needs an army. She couldn't have done with seventeen massive puppies and eight very talented vampires, so she made up a few characters to fill in, resulting in a very strange reaction from fans, similar to the following:
Later arrived the Irish coven – because besides being the hottest vampire ever, Carlisle Cullen can also cross the Atlantic Ocean in only a couple of hours of swimming. Siobhan was a very, very big woman, whose description in the book suggests the word, 'voluptuous.' She was once Gerard Butler's bodyguard in Dublin while filming 'P.S.: I Love You', apparently. Her mate, Liam, is so unimportant that we won't even mention him and will play no role whatsoever in the proceedings of this story. However, there's also a little fellow called Maggie, who is absolutely awesome, since she can detect lies. Poor the guy who tried to two-time this girl.
Next, the Egyptian coven arrived. Amun is, apparently, the manipulative leader whose supernatural power is be an asshole to everyone, including his sex slave, Kebi, who is forbidden to talk, smile, move, breathe, or show any emotion unless permitted by Amun. Benjamin, however, is Amun's weapon – his supernatural powers consist in manipulating Earth's elements, being able to not stop being so fucking cheerful, and taking Amun's crap. According to Bella, Benjamin's mate, Tia, was reserved and very deep. According to the general public, Tia was raped when little and still suffers trauma.
Then came the most awesome, coolest vampire ever, by the name of Garrett. Garrett was, physically, just like Movie!James, and because he was Emmett's friend, he just had to be a funny risk-taker. He was also a ladies man, so immediately after he entered the house, he hurried to chat up the blonde Denalis, hoping to have forever-sex with Kate.
Mary and Randall were so, so, so unimportant, that they practically didn't exist.
Along with Carlisle's arrival came yet another vampire, Alistair, a very paranoid vampire who thought that everyone was on to him, and had the ability to hide under rocks. Literally. He had not wanted to come to the little costume party the Cullen's were having, but, for some unknown reason, he still did. Maybe he had little will power, maybe Meyer's Magic Mind said, 'Oh, we need someone to create doubt and fear amongst the good ones! God, I love being Dumbledore-style.'
Some time later, the Amazons arrived. Here, we are presented with Mrs Meyer's ignorance about South America once again – she has dressed Zafrina and Senna in leopard thongs. She probably makes them dance around a fire singing chants in the language of the Devil too. Senna never speaks a word, and one cannot be sure whether she is Zafrina's lesbian mate or what (though Mrs Meyer insists on the contrary), but the probabilities that the three Amazons maintain a highly homoerotic relationship is very high. They probably fuck alligators as well. Zafrina is, however, a most talented vampire – she can create illusions. This may come in handy at all times – when fighting Aro, she can make the Volturi see an ass-kicking army of a thousand soldiers; when emo, she can escape life's realities by taking a little imaginary trip to Cuba.
Meanwhile, Edward's twitching eye had not been able to recover, since Kate continuously used him as the guinea pig in Bella's attempt to expand her shield.
'I can't do this!' Bella exclaimed after twenty-three failed attempts, while Edward laid fried on the garden floor. 'Some of the self-pity and very, very low self-esteem I used to have in my human days is coming back!'
'NO!' Jacob shouted, terrified. 'NOT THE SELF-PITY!'
'Bella, darling,' Edward tried to smile but winced in pain. 'You're doing just fine. Give it some –' Twitch. '- time.'
'I know!' Kate said, suddenly excited. 'Since your lame, fake love for Edward is not enough for you to expand –'
'Fake? Lame?' Bella spat, glaring at the blonde vampire with rage. 'Are you mental? Are you blind? Can't you see Edward's perfect body, his strong, sexy muscles, and that sensual ass? How can anybody not love that?! My love towards him is so pure and sincere! He's extremely beautiful and good and beautiful! I'm very, very much in love!'
Kate rolled her eyes. 'Whatever. I'm shocking your daughter.'
Edward's good eye widened in horror. 'Kate, I don't know if that would be the -' Twitch. '- right thing.'
'Mother, I want to help!' Renesmee exclaimed happily as she swiftly jumped into her Mother's arms. 'I shall aid you in your quest for self-improvement so you can be a better vampire being.'
'No fucking way,' Bella said, more as a warning to Kate, who was approaching dangerously towards them, than a denial for her daughter. 'Kate, stay away.'
'I SHOCK YOU!' Kate screamed in a hiss, showing her fangs and grinning maniacally. Everyone screamed, but nothing happened, because no one had been shocked at all.
'I can't –' Twitch. '- hear the mutant.'
'Jolly good!' Kate beamed.
Bella was still staring furiously at her. 'Renesmee, go with Zafrina. Kate, let's do this one more time, but Edward only, because I don't want to hurt my baby. Edward is, however, extremely disposable. Let's do this.'
But Edward wasn't able to feel anything either (a relief for Bella, because if he was shocked to death, then she would be having a problem satisfying her very sexual needs.)
'People, don't panic, I'll be blinding you for a moment,' Zafrina announced, and instantly there were gasps.
'OH MY GOD!' somebody shouted, and everyone turned to 'watch' Alistair, his gaze lost in space, moving around blindly with his arms stretched out before him. 'IT'S ALEC! HE'S HERE! HE'S BLINDED MEEE! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!'
'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' Tanya bellowed at him, blinded, but calm. 'IT'S ZAFRINA, YOU MORON!'
'OH NO! ZAFRINA IS ALEC! RUUUUUUUUUUUN!'
'SOMEBODY THROW HIM A MATCH!' Maggie yelled, covering her ears.
'Oh, so now you think we should kill vampires because they're annoying?' Carmen demanded, assuming Maggie was at her right and staring blindly at nothing, while Maggie, at her left, gasped.
'He's a pain in the ass!' Maggie screamed.
'YOU'RE ALL CONSPIRERS! YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO KILL ME!'
'IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'LL DISMEMBER YOUR DICK SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!' Tanya was still screaming towards nothing.
'That doesn't mean we should kill him! If that was correct, we would all be dead by now!'
'YOU SHALL NEVER EVER KILL ME, YOU VICIOUS, LYING VAMPIRES!'
'HEY! WATCH WHO YOU CALL VICIOUS!' Garrett shouted.
'Oh, would we? Why do you say that? Is it perhaps I annoy you, too?'
'AND THEN I'LL GRAB MY POCKET KNIFE AND CUT YOUR BALLS AND EAT THEM IN MY SOUP!'
'YOU ARE ALL RAVING! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIIIIIIIIIVE!'
'No, you don't annoy me, but –'
'LIAR! I ANNOY YOU!'
'… AND I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT SO YOU SHALL NEVER SCREAM AGAIN, YOU CREEPY, PARANOIC RAT!'
'OKAY, maybe you annoy me a little…!'
'I ANNOY YOU A LOT, YOU LYING, MEXICAN SCUM!'
'WATCH IT! I'M MEXICAN TOO, YOU FREAKING MIDGET!'
Everyone stopped shouting to stare at Amun. 'What? It's true.'
'What's going on here?' Benjamin asked as he stepped out into the open. Zafrina had already released everyone from her illusions, and they were all sighing in relief. Maggie glared murderously at Carmen, and Tanya made a good-bye gesture to Alistair with her eyes fixed on his privates. 'I think I heard some anger over here!' Benjamin beamed, staring at the vampires. 'How about we fix our problems with… the Snap Cup!' he exclaimed enthusiastically while snapping his fingers. Tia imitated him.
'Somebody kill him,' Kate muttered.
'Ooh, I sense some resentment over there!' Benjamin said joyfully as he frowned mockingly at Kate.
'Oh, oh, I want the Snap Cup!' Bella exclaimed jumping up and down with Renesmee bobbing in her arms.
But their plans were suddenly forgotten as a woman's scream was heard from inside the house. Every vampire, werewolf and mutant run inside as quickly as possible, but they only found Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, and Carlisle, who had opened the front door to show two new guests.
'Who screamed?' Edward demanded hurriedly. 'Esme?'
Esme shook her head.
Edward frowned. 'Rosalie?'
'Er… that was me,' Emmett admitted.
'We gave him some nice fright, didn't we?' one of the newcomers was telling the other. They looked… Well, frankly, they looked just taken out of Matrix Revolutions.
'Yes we did!' the other one replied.
'This is Fred-Vladimir,' the first one said, gesturing to the second one.
'And this is George-Stefan,' the second one said, gesturing to the first one.
'We're so pleased to see that finally some vampires are going to kick some Mafia ass,' said George-Stefan, grinning.
Everyone gaped at them.
'Ozzy Osbourne?' Emmett whispered, awed.
'No, but he's my cousin,' Fred-Vladimir said, nodding.
'Bella,' Edward called his wife warily. 'Maybe you should show them Renesmee.'
'Who cares about the freaking mutant?' Stefan said, rolling his eyes.
'Yes, she can go rot in hell for all we care,' Vladimir nodded.
'We want to see the WB die, that's all,' Stefan finished.
'YES!' Emmett exclaimed. 'I was so disappointed when they told us they were changing the release date! I mean, more than half a year later! Are you kidding me? And replacing it with that crappy Twilight movie? Please, I –'
'We meant Jane and Alec,' Vladimir said quietly.
Emmett stared at them. 'Oh. Right. Me too.'
'Hai, Kate!' Garrett called from the garden.
'Yes?' Kate asked warily, approaching him cautiously.
'They tell me… you can shock anything,' Garrett winked at her.
Kate smiled mischievously. 'Oh, it is quite true.'
'They also tell me you can put a vampire flat on his back… if you get what I mean.'
Kate wetted her lips with the tip of her tongue. 'Wanna try?' she asked sensually while slowly offering him her hand.
Garrett stared at her hand for a moment, and then back at her. 'What do I want that for?' he asked, confused, and Kate frowned, puzzled.
'You didn't mean my electricity?' she asked perplexedly.
'Of course not! Geez! Why is it so hard to get a woman shag you these days?' Garrett wondered as he shook his head, walking away from her.
'Indeed!' Emmett muttered, sitting on the porch steps. Rosalie smacked the back of his head. 'What? It's true! When was the last time we had sex?'
'Yesterday!' Rosalie replied between gritted teeth, trying to prevent the rest from hearing and failing massively, since every vampire ear was intently overhearing their conversation.
'Yes, but that was some lousy sex,' Emmett went on, unabashed. 'I mean, when I'm on top, it's not as fun as when –'
'Emmett!' Rosalie hissed, glancing at the others.
'- on top, because you know how to make these awesome positions, but yesterday you were so bad…!'
'EMMETT!' Rosalie bellowed, growling threateningly.
'I'm sorry, Rosalie,' Emmett said in a solemn voice, 'but I cannot stop my mouth. I speak nothing but the truth. Let the world know what a bad fucker you are. I cannot hold back my vampire superpower.'
'YOU DON'T HAVE A VAMPIRE SUPERPOWER!'
'Hey, little one,' Stefan greeted as he approached Maggie. She eyed him suspiciously. 'I love your hair.'
'No you don't.'
Stefan was taken aback for a moment. 'Well… But I certainly do love the red in it.'
'No you don't.'
Stefan grimaced and then smiled. 'Anyway, maybe we could get together some time after this is over? I wouldn't want to lose contact with you.'
Maggie remained silent at this, and Stefan seemed satisfied.
'Just so we could get a coffee and chat. I'd really like chatting with you in the future.'
'No you wouldn't.'
'Okay… Then maybe you could come visit me in Romania. I could show you my house. I'd love to show you my bed, it's an antique.'
'No you wouldn't.'
At this, all the house turned to stare at Stefan and Maggie. If Stefan didn't want sex with her, then what did he want?
Under all the vampire stared, Stefan trembled and then succumbed; he fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.
'Alright! I admit it! I was putting up a façade so you wouldn't notice! But I – I – I'm gay! I'm secretly in love with Alistair and have been for three and a half centuries!'
Everyone turned to stare at Alistair, who was staring at Stefan in shock. 'I, erm… I do not correspond those feelings, just so everyone knows.' He glared at the vampires as if daring to contradict them.
'Oh, please, Alistair!' Stefan exclaimed from the floor. 'We could be like the old greeks! We could discuss poetry and practice sodomy! I shall be Dumbledore, and you shall be my Grindelwald!'
Thus, the true reason why Alistair escaped the Cullen residence.
Meanwhile, Siobhan was encountering another type of… tiny problems.
'It was my mother,' Hagrid was telling a very startled Siobhan. 'She was one o' the las' ones in Britain. Me dad was broken-hearted when she wen'. Tiny little bloke, my dad was. By the time I was six I could lift him up an' put him in top o' the dresser. Used ter make him laugh. I just knew – I knew you were like me. Was it yer mother or yer father?'
'I – I don't know what you mean,' Siobhan said quickly while glancing at the door in fright.
'No, don' go! I've – I've never met another one before!'
'Another what?!' Siobhan exclaimed.
'Another half-giant, o' course!'
'How dare you!' Siobhan shrieked. 'I have never been more insulted in my life! Half-giant? Me? My – my father was Schwarzenegger!'
'Hey, everyone!' Benjamin exclaimed while Garrett sucked Hagrid's blood. 'It's time to practice our 'bend and snap'! Gather in the living room, please!'
'No! Not the 'bend and snap' again!' Jacob wailed, and Renesmee patted him on the shoulder.
'I can sympathize with what you are feeling right now, my dear Jacob,' she said in her high pitched voice. 'But I myself find it useful when I apply it to Einstein's theory of relativity.'
'Now, now, Eleazar,' Benjamin said, shaking his head. 'A little less bend, a little more snap. Watch how Carlisle's doing it! Well done, Carlisle!'
The vampires turned to stare at him. 'Bend…' he muttered to himself, absorbed, while bending low with his back straight, '… and snap!'
He then realized he was the centre of attention of practically everyone, and looked away, embarrassed. 'What? I've had my centuries to practice.'
'It worked on me,' Esme beamed.
'YOU LIAR!' someone shouted, and eyes fell on Maggie, but she was busy bending. It was then that they noticed Emmett, Neo I and Neo II playing Risk.
'You got two ones and a three!' Emmett exclaimed angrily. 'You're cheating.'
'Okay, fine, take the damn country!' Vladimir said, crossing his arms.
'YES!' Emmett turned to the lot of vampires staring at him with a dark, dangerous expression. 'Kamchatka's mine now. MOOHAHAHA!'
Bella and Edward exchanged wary glances.
They both wished Aro would come soon just to get rid of all the crap they had to stand right now.
I really doubt that twenty-eight vampires inside a single house live all peacefully together. I'm sure their problems would be something like, "Oh, I ate this girl the other day," and the Cullens get pissed off and are all "YOU BITCH THAT WAS MY WHORE" but you get what I mean.
Love, Me :3
PS: I love playing Risk. In my country it's called TEG. (Stands for Tactic and Strategic Plan of War.)
But I can never conquer Australia.