"So what does this mean?" Clark Kent asked.
"It means what it means," muttered Chloe Sullivan.
"How the hell can that be right?" Clark snapped, then sighed heavily. He started to apologize to Chloe, but she just shook her head.
"Don't worry about it Clark. It's just that major hormone cocktail coursing through your veins."
"Where it shouldn't be. And I thought it was all a big joke when you said 'take a pregnancy test'," Clark grumbled. He held the pregnancy test up to his eyes, trying to find a faint 'Not' next to the word 'Pregnant,' but it was as bold as could be. Clark Kent, the ultimate Kansas farm boy, was pregnant with child. Moreover, who was the impregnator you might ask? Who other than the infamous bad boy billionaire Lex Luthor.
Now, you are probably wondering how the hell something like this could ever happen in a million billion years. Well, let us rewind a bit.
Mrs. Kent was holding her annual Halloween Party at the Talon for the students of Smallville High. Even though Clark was in college, he found it considerate to support his mother and make sure none of the little freshmen brats were tempted to spike the punch. In addition, with the recent breakup of him and Lana, he really had nothing else planned.
A big surprise that night was the appearance of Lex Luthor and his latest arm candy, some slut named Scarlet. Of course, he wasn't dressed up in costume, but appeared in a casual, but still expensive looking, ensemble. Scarlet, of course, wouldn't wear anything unless it was over $5,000 and way above the knees.
Clark and his best friend Chloe stood chatting beside the concession table. Clark watched as a little spiky haired boy inched over, his hand in his jacket, but one evil look from Clark had him backing away in a jiffy. Chloe laughed and helped herself to some pumpkin shaped sugar cookies.
Lex abandoned Scarlet with a group of leering high school boys to chat with Clark and Chloe.
"Clark, Chloe, how are you?"
"Pretty good Lex. You?" Chloe said, a big, fake smile on her face.
"Good…good. I just recently opened another plant in Kansas, so unemployment has gone down in Holmberg. By the way Clark, how are you and Lana?"
Chloe's eyes widened and she backed up behind Clark. She stared at Lex and started running her hand across her neck in a slashing motion. Clark glanced back at her, and she quickly shoved her hand behind her back, grinning that sly grin of hers. Clark turned back to Lex and said "Not good. I recently caught her cheating with some frat boy behind my back. We broke up. Now she's dating the frat guy."
"I never thought Lana would be the type to go for a frat boy. Well, cheer up Clark, there are many more fish in the sea," Lex said, putting his hand on Clark's shoulder. Clark shrugged and went back to monitoring the concession table.
By midnight the party had died down, and many people had gone home. Lois showed up later in the evening after a date she had gone to that, as she so proudly put it, 'didn't go completely bust…and the guy wasn't a total nut job.'
Lois invited Chloe, Lex, and Clark up to her apartment on top of the Talon. Scarlet had apparently left with some of the seniors, but Lex didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed quite happy to get rid of her. Lois walked over to her fridge and pulled out a large bottle of vodka. The others settled around and took turns taking shots and telling embarrassing stories about embarrassing things that had happened in their lives.
"Hey Lois?" Chloe asked, glancing up at the clock above the stove, which read 2:07 in the morning.
"You've had the least to drink, right? Would you mind giving me a ride back to Metropolis?"
Lois nodded, then turned to the other two males.
"Clark, do you need a ride? Lex?"
"I'm stayin' wiz mom for the weekend. I'll jus' walk home," Clark said, his speech slurred slightly.
"Nonsense. I'll call someone to take Clark and I *hiccup* back," Lex muttered, pulling himself into a standing position. He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed a number, then held the phone upside down to his ear. Lex giggled slightly at his mistake and right side upped his phone before a low male voice answered. Lex talked for a moment, then hung up the phone.
"Clark, you can stay wiz me tonight. Yer mom wouldn' *hiccup* be happy if you came home drunk."
"Yer prolly righ'. Shit. Well….Lois, I'm bringing thiz wit me," Clark said, grabbing the vodka and staggering out the door with Lex. Lois rolled her eyes and muttered to Chloe "He really needs to get over Lana. We need to find him a one-night stand or something."
Clark and Lex stood in the alley beside the Talon as a black limousine pulled up to the pavement. Lex slid into the backseat and Clark followed suit a moment later after emptying the contents of his bladder. The driver pulled into the street as Lex raised the blind that shielded the backseat from the front. He and Clark took turns taking swigs from the Vodka bottle.
They had just downed the last drop and were wondering where they were going to get their next alcohol fix when the driver announced that they were at the mansion. The two men stumbled inside the mansion and made their way to Lex's library/study. There they were able to sample some of Lex's finest brandies and ports. By that time they were so freaking shit faced it's a wonder neither had died from alcohol poisoning. It was this time when Lex brought up a strange subject to Clark.
Lex had draped himself in one of the expensive black leather chairs and Clark was dozing on the floor just below him.
"Ungh?" was his grunting reply.
"Have you ever done something that you regretted?"
Clark pushed himself up onto his elbows and stared at Lex.
"What do you mean?"
"Like something you've done or said that you wish you hadn't done….or said?"
"Yea…I wish I hadn't walked in on Lana and that guy. Then maybe we would still be together," Clark muttered wistfully.
"But she would still be cheating on you," Lex said bluntly.
"Yea, but we'd still be together."
"Well, I think that's stupid," Lex scoffed. Clark glared at him.
"Oh yea? What about Scarlet? I'm sure she's getting some in every orifice on her body right now!"
"….shit, you're probably right," Lex muttered. He studied his hands for a moment for no apparent reason but to buy time, then looked over at Clark.
"This may be the vodka, brandy, port, and whatever that green stuff that Lois made us try talking, but did you ever wonder if, maybe, we're not meant to be with women."
"Lex? What are you saying?" Clark ridiculed.
"I'm saying that maybe you and I just aren't meant to find love in a….female way."
"Okay Lex! No more drinky-drinky for you," Clark muttered, pushing himself off the ground. Lex jumped off the couch, almost fell, but righted himself and continued.
"Just think about it for a sec! Neither of us has ever been successful when it comes to women. I mean, Lana cheated on you. And you know about the whole darling wife that left me stranded on an island with my imaginary friend for three months incident."
Clark spun around and cut off Lex's pacing after him.
"Lex, I'm not gay if that is what you are getting at! Moreover, I don't even want to know what you're implying! You're drunk!" Clark snapped.
"Neither am I! But your in college, everyone dabbles! For god sakes, I did!….and I'm not that drunk."
Clark looked at him strangely, but a spark of submission was showing in those big baby greens.
And that's how the night led on. At first it was awkward, but awkwardness soon gave way to passion. A passion that neither Lex nor Clark had ever felt before.
The next morning they blamed it on how shit faced they were. The next week or so was very awkward, but soon after that things went back to normal. Normal that is, until….