A/N: This one is Nikki's Christmas present! :3 You have no idea how happy I am that I'm actually spewing these out on time before Christmas gets here. xD Anyway, writing this was fun. –evil fangirl grin- Jashin… But yeah, I hope everybody (especially my dear Nikki-sama) enjoys it~~
I own several empty candy wrappers, a paint splattered backpack (the paint splatters courtesy of ChiChi), and fingerless Powerpuff Girls gloves. But sadly not Naruto. –le sigh-
Stripper Boots and Santa Hats
Kakuzu didn't do holidays. He didn't do holiday cheer or caroling, and he most certainly did not bake gingerbread cookies or eat fruit cake. Writing letters to Santa Claus was babyish and a waste of time (It always had been, ever since he was a child. He never could fathom why the hell someone would waste enough money to buy/make/whatever toys for every snot-nosed little kid on the planet.), and putting up Christmas lights would drive the electricity bill sky high.
Hidan was well aware that Kakuzu's idol was Ebenezer Scrooge, but he didn't care. The damn Christmas spirit had grabbed him by the neck and refused to let go.
He wanted to get him a present.
I only hope he doesn't stab me for falling into all of this commercialism…
"Hey, old man!" Hidan barked, going into undercover mode for deciding what to get. "You're basically about to croak, right? Do you want me to ask Santa to bring you a nice gravestone? I can write him for you right now if you want me to."
"Do that and there will be no more sex for a week."
"Aw, come on!" He groaned, "That isn't playing fair, Kakuzu…"
"Then don't do it, genius."
"Meh, you're no fun. Well, if you don't want a tomb stone, then you probably don't want a casket either… So what should I say, like, a fucking piggy bank or something?"
Looking up at last from the latest edition of his book of bounties, Kakuzu asked disbelievingly, "You're not really going to write a bloody letter, are you?"
"Then go away. I'm busy. And please, act your age, would you?!"
"Tobi would be really crushed by your lack of Santa Claus belief, Kuzu." Hidan chuckled on his way out. He pretended not to be so disheartened by the fact that he still had no idea, but now he was starting to get worried. It was no secret that he wasn't the most arts-and-crafts type person in the world, and without anything to come up with an idea from, he was doomed.
There was no place to turn to except for Deidara.
A spark in his blue eye came on as soon as Hidan brought it up. "Christmas present advice? You've got it, un! Ooh, do you want to borrow my Santa hat for when you give it to him, un? For comedic effect? Ha, I can't picture you in a Santa hat…you'd complain it was messing up your hair, wouldn't you? You're more persnickety than I am, un."
"That's only cuz my hair kicks your hair's ass." He confirmed smugly, loving the glory he got. "But that's not the point, Blondie. What the fuck kind of present do you get the guy who hates everything and everyone with a burning passion?!"
The sculptor sighed, realizing the complications gift choice would be riddled with. And Hidan wasn't even exaggerating for once. Damn. "Oh. Right. There's a problem, un."
"No shit! Why else would I willingly go to someone like you?!"
Deidara laughed, loving his crazy reputation. Sasori was the only one who could understand how fine art could take you over, and Tobi was the only one who bothered to appreciate his art. (Tobi annoyed the hell out of him, though.) Maybe someday I can make art out of him, hm? He thought before asking, "But Kakuzu likes you, doesn't he?"
"Me?" The Jashinist blinked once, pointing to himself with a limp finger. "Yeah, sure. Sometimes. Most of the time. When he's not telling me what an idiot I am, I guess."
"Haha, yes, I'd say he does." He smiled, recognizing the basic definition of 'fighting like an old married couple'. How cute… "Well, I have an idea but I don't know how much you'll like it, un…"
Fuck, that doesn't sound very good. The mischievous tinge in the bomber's voice made him swallow nervously. "Do I want to know, Blondie?"
"Shit, now I'm scared."
"…How do you feel about mini skirts, un?"
"OH HELL NO."
Oh hell yes.
It was humiliating. Absolutely fucking humiliating, but what was even sadder was that he looked startlingly good in the frightful get-up Deidara had shoved him into.
"Okay, seriously." He moaned, desperate for a way to escape this torture. By this time he was wishing he'd never asked for help. Note to self: DON'T EVER ASK DEIDARA FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. EVER. Do you understand, you stupid fucker?! Jashin damn it, Kuzu's been right all along. I am an idiot. "Will he disown me? I think he's going to disown me when he sees it. No, really."
Deidara stifled a huge choke of laughter. "Well, un… Um… If Kakuzu's into drag queens, then it'll be perfect."
"Ohh." He tried to paste on a brave face and slinked off to their private quarters to wait for him, clutching Deidara's Santa hat with him, just for good measure on his costume.
Ho, ho, ho?
And a happy new year…?
Hidan had never been the present himself before. He hoped he could make it out to see the new year.
You couldn't quite tell how Kakuzu's moods would be until they got there.
In case he was feeling like an atomic bomb that night, Hidan braced himself early.
He had the lights off when Kakuzu came in on purpose so he wouldn't know his partner was inside waiting for him. Kakuzu grumbled as he flipped the switch, but his usually bored eyes went gigantic as soon as he saw Hidan sprawled out in a pose, displaying all his epic drag queen glory. "Holy. Fuck. Hidan?!"
Trying on his best husky voice, he crooned, "Happy Christmas, Kuzu-chan." Deidara's fuzzy hat was draped loosely on his head, and when they had discovered he did indeed fit in a mini skirt without much difficulty, they'd put him in one. Fishnets spread across his long legs until they were swallowed up by shiny stripper boots. (He would much prefer if Deidara didn't tell him why he had those boots. And especially why he'd kept them.) His shirt was tight and unbuttoned half way, and short enough to show part of his stomach. The tie around the collar was loose too, and Deidara had added make up enough to make his look extremely…authentic. "…Do you like it…?"
"Oh my fucking GOD."
"Heh. So you do like it." He grinned. So much for hating Christmas. "Kuzu-chan."
"It's amazing." He whispered, still gawking that Hidan had actually gone to such lengths. "Holy fuck, Hidan!"
"Hee, so I'm thinking this is the part where I say you're welcome?"
He pulled off his mask, unveiling his amused grin, and murmured, "…I love you, you idiot. You're insane."
"Damn, Kakuzu, are you grateful for something?!" He laughed in astonishment. "Oh my Jashin, you are, aren't you?!"
Giving a chuckle, he covered Hidan's mouth with his. "Yeah, but you better not tell anyone," he muttered between kisses. "So, I have a question."
"Fire away, old man."
"…Is this the part when I get to unwrap you?"
Hallelujah for kinky-ness.