A/N: If you're worried I'm going to abandon Bella Hale, I promise I won't. I'm on a writer's block for every other story except that one, so no worries. This is just something I felt like I had to get out because it was haunting me. LOL. It's darker, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless if you read it. Please review and tell me what you think. Thank you.
P.S. This story will also have alternate POVs, but only from Edward and Bella's.
Disclaimer: SM owns it all.
I remembered it with perfect clarity. The moment when he left me. He had brought me to the forest, had broken my heart and had disappeared without a trail.
Did I wished that I had never seen him? Did I wished that he hadn't entered my life? Did I wished that we had never once crossed paths?
No. I could never wished that. How could I when he was the very reason for my existence?
When he left me, everything was broken. My heart. My soul. My life.
I was in a catatonic state for a week. I supposed I was just trying to grasp the reality that he was no longer with me. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't come back to the harsh world of the living. It was too painful. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't contain the pain in my heart, I wanted it all to stop.
So I stayed in my little safe haven, in my mind. He was there with me.
He was so incredibly beautiful. The epitome of love. His bronze hair, his topaz eyes, his beautiful crooked smile. Everything about him drew me in.
We stayed in the meadow I have fallen in love with at first sight. In a way, it was a symbol of our love. We just stayed together, staring at the endless sun. We talked as he held my plain, ordinary body to his magnificent, sparkling one.
He would kiss me, hold me and repeated 'I love you' to me all the time. And I would believe him.
I didn't care if it was a lie, I didn't care if my father thought I was too far gone that I needed psychiatric help.
I just cared that Edward loved me.
And then my father called Renee. She was supposed to take me back to sunny Jacksonville. I was supposed to leave.
But I couldn't do that.
My room, there in Forks, in the town I used to despise…That was where he would stay with me every night and hold me. The window where he came in was always open for him.
And just a few miles away from my house, laid his house. Beautiful, white, majestic.
It was where he used to live with his family, where he played the piano, joked with his siblings, experienced love from his parents.
It was where he was.
So I snapped out of my fantasy world. I drew back into a world where Edward didn't love me, where Edward didn't want me.
I threw a fit at Renee, but I learnt to calm down. I knew I couldn't fool anyone into thinking I was doing any better, but I told them I just needed time to get better. Soon they left me alone to heal.
But I knew from the moment he said goodbye that I would never heal.
So when Charlie finally left me to myself without anyone to watch over me, and when Renee had gone back to Jacksonville, and when Angela and Sam Uley who had found me on the forest floor had left me alone as well, I did what any heartbroken woman would do.
My entire life before Edward, I took care of Renee. She was my mother biologically, but technically, I was the mother and she was the daughter. She was a child at heart, and I was an adult at heart. I never minded it. I wouldn't have appreciated being molly coddled. I would have hated it.
When Edward came into my life, I was more than happy to surrender my love to him. I might not have understood him the moment I saw him, but I was entranced by him. He was beautiful, not just physically, either.
He saw himself as a monster, but I knew better. He made the choice of living off of animal blood. He didn't want to hurt others to gratify himself. He heard their thoughts, and I'm sure that made it all the more harder-to hear his victims' dying thoughts.
But he was so much more than that. He loved his family dearly. He was an amazing musician. He was the perfect gentleman.
And he loved me.
I didn't know if it had been a lie the whole time. I didn't know if it had been a joke. Maybe he had simply gotten bored at some point, or maybe it had all been a twisted prank of some sort from the very beginning.
All I knew was that I was happy pretending he cared for me. I was happy believing he loved me. I would have continued doing so for as long as he would have me.
But he didn't want me.
My life revolved around Edward the moment I laid eyes on him. My life became Edward. Nothing else mattered. If I could have one simple moment with him, just one more, to see his face, his beautiful eyes, his glorious self…I would die a happy woman.
But I couldn't have a moment with him. Not now, not ever.
I remembered telling Charlie in the morning goodbye. I remembered telling him I would have one last day to myself before I'd go back to school tomorrow. He'd been reluctant about my going back to school-his memories would plague me there.
Charlie didn't understand. His memories would plague me anywhere. I could have gone to China and would have still connected him to something there.
So I told him I would be fine. I told him that I wanted to drive up to the Cullens' house and say my final goodbye.
He had been reluctant about that, too, but I told him I needed to. Alone.
I had to tell him. I had to make sure he knew where to find me. I couldn't let him just stew over it and worry himself to death. I needed him to be safe and happy.
I had watched Charlie drive off. I had waved him off as I watched him leave for his weekly fishing trips down at La Push with a forced smile. I knew he could see right through me but he gave me a phony smile back.
Once he was out of sight, and I was all by myself in the house, I went to my room and took out my notepad. I begun to write.
Please know that nothing is your fault. I wanted it to be this way. I know you think it's wrong but it's exactly what I need. I couldn't bear to live without him. He was my everything. He still is. I needed him with me.
I don't have anything left for me. You and Renee and even Phil meant a lot to me, please don't doubt that, but Edward…He was my love.
I doubt you'll ever see him again, but if you do, please tell him that I loved him. Forever and always.
Don't fall off the edge, daddy. You need to be strong. You need to find someone to love, too, and never let them go. Live for me, daddy. You and mom and Phil. I love you always.
I wrote a letter to Renee and Phil, as well. It was similar to the one I wrote to Charlie. I even left a note to Angela because I thought she was the sweetest girl I'd ever met. I had grown close to her and she was…Like me, I believe. She cared, and that was enough. I told her to be happy with her life, to move on and be with Ben or whomever she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. I told them all to forgive and forget.
I left the letters on Charlie's bed, the envelopes addressing them to their rightful owners.
I wore the blue shirt he loved and a white fluffy skirt that Alice had bought for me.
I had missed her too.
I grabbed my bag and went out to my truck.
At times like these, I was glad no one else I knew was clairvoyant.
I drove all the way to the familiar white house.
When I got inside, everything was almost the same. Almost. The house was quiet, just like the first time I went there. Only this time, Edward wasn't with me. None of the Cullens were in the house.
I took my time. I strolled outside the house, going from the garden that Esme loved to the river, to the boulder I once sat with Emmett when he told me stories about wrestling with grizzly bears once he'd been changed. I went into the house and went to the living room and the kitchen. Every inch of the place shock me with memories. I sat down at his piano and ran my fingers lightly along the keys. I wondered if I would remember him when I was gone.
I went up the stairs and went into each room I could find. There was Carlisle's and Esme's room…Somewhere I'd never been into before. The furniture were still intact. I could just picture them in here. The color, the style…It suited them.
Then there was Emmett's and Rosalie's room. I had to giggle at the fake bear carpet on the floor. I wondered how Rosalie had ever agreed to Emmett's idea. Maybe that was why she had left it behind. It was unwanted.
Just like me.
The room I entered next was clearly Alice's and Jasper's. There was a huge bed. It had purple sheets on them. Poor Jasper. The bathroom was probably even bigger than Carlisle's and Esme's. Did Alice somehow swap for the master bedroom?
I went into Carlisle's study and Jasper's library.
And then there was his room. It was so different that the first time I saw it. The CDs were all gone. The shelves were empty. The black couch was gone. The only remaining thing was the golden carpet. I stared at it and tears blurred my vision. It was the same color as his eyes.
I sat on the golden carpet and placed my sling bag on the floor next to me. I took out my notepad and begun to write again. I needed him to know, I needed him to understand.
Edward my love,
You were my everything. You were my life, my soul, my heart. I'm sorry for breaking my promise. I couldn't just sit around and pretend like everything was alright. I couldn't do it.
I waited for you to come back, maybe for a little while. But I understood that you didn't want me, and I had to accept it. I wanted you to know that no matter what, you have my love.
Know that I never blamed you. Know that I believed you to be a wonderful man. I couldn't force you to love me.
You should know that when I wrote this, I knew that I would have mere minutes left to live. And in these few minutes, I would want to express just how much I love you. You made me the luckiest girl in the world, just by loving me. Just by being with me. I knew you had to leave. I wanted you to keep pretending you loved me, but it wasn't right. You had to leave and be happy.
So I hoped that you did find happiness. I hoped that you and the others would live eternity in the best way possible. And if you ever came back and found my letter, I hoped you would find some peace.
Tell Alice I'm sorry I left the letter in her room-I didn't know where else to put it. And tell her I'm sorry for always being so stubborn.
Tell Rosalie I'm sorry for making her angry. I never intended to make her feel as if I would jeopardize her secret.
Tell Jasper I'm sorry for being so careless. He must have felt horrible about his control. I never blamed him and he shouldn't feel guilty. It was my fault.
Tell Esme, Emmett and Carlisle that I was incredibly happy that they accepted me without question. It was wonderful to feel like I had a big brother, and Esme and Carlisle were amazing as people I could consider my own family.
Lastly, Edward, I'm sorry if I had ever upset you. I only wanted to love you, and be loved in return. It was selfish of me. If you ever returned to this place, know that I would always love you. I'm sorry for causing such trouble by doing this. I just couldn't live anymore. Not without you. It wasn't your fault. Know that, too.
I love you, Edward.
I placed it in the last envelope and grabbed my bag. Standing up, I looked around the room once more. It smelled faintly of him. I closed my eyes and took in huge lungful of air, taking in his scent.
I smiled and opened my eyes. "Goodbye, Edward."
I walked out of his room, went back to Alice's room and placed the letter under the covers so no one but her or Jasper would find it.
I went back to the living room and stood where he and I had stood for the very first time I came here. We were being greeted by his parents.
I took out the metal in my bag, the one I shouldn't have with me, and dropped my bag to the floor. I wouldn't need it now.
Facing the piano so I would have one last memory of him, I bit back my sob and held back my tears. I didn't know how to do this, or where. I decided on the one place where it hurt so much it should have stopped working by now.
The barrel of the gun pointed to my chest, my eyes never leaving the piano, I imagined Edward still sitting there, playing me my lullaby.
Humming it to myself between gasps of sobs, I cocked the gun. "I love you," I whispered. My last words.
A loud sound shocked me. My hand felt like it had been burnt. I couldn't move my legs. Everything was red.
I saw his face. I saw his smile. I had to get to him. How? I couldn't move. "Edward!" I shouted, but my words were silent. I had already spoken my last words. I had no voice left, no breath.
I kept struggling against the strong pull of darkness. I couldn't let it consume me. I kept pushing and pulling and struggling away from it. God, it was so heavy.
I yelled his name, over and over again. His hands reached out towards me, his arms opened as if they were waiting to embrace me. I smiled a little and yelled for him again.
This time my voice came out loud and clear. I reached out and held onto him. The darkness faded slowly.
So did he.
I stood facing away from the piano, on my own two feet. I glanced around my confusedly. Hadn't I pointed the gun at my heart? Hadn't I pulled the trigger? Hadn't I died?
I looked to the ground to find the gun. Maybe I hadn't done it right. I should probably try again.
What I saw shocked me.
A woman laid face down on the ground. Her long brown hair spread wildly about her. One hand was trapped underneath her and the floor. One hand reached out to the piano. I could see a pool of blood slowly growing bigger from underneath her.
I wanted to reach out and touch her, but when I did, my fingers slid right through her. I gasped.
There was nothing I could do. I kept calling for someone to help her, but no one answered me. I kept trying to get away from the house, to call for help, but I couldn't make it past the garden. The driveway was empty except for a red Chevy.
So I went back inside the house and watched over her. It was unnerving, to watch a dead woman, but I didn't know what else to do. I curled up on the floor next to the piano, my back resting against the cool wood. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I rocked myself back and forth.
I didn't understand this. I was able to touch the wood, but I couldn't touch her. Why? Why wasn't I able to help her?
Nightfall came. I must have sat there for hours. When I had went out of the house, it had been day.
I heard the rumble of engine outside and someone yelling. The door burst open and three men stepped inside. The first was a middle aged man. Tall, and a little gruff. His hair was black with specks of pepper on it. He saw the body and his entire face fell. He looked so heartbroken I didn't know if he could even stand.
But he walked all the way to her.
"Bella?" he croaked.
Bella? Was that her name? It was pretty.
He turned her over, and I gasped again. She looked…Her lips were a little uneven-her lower slightly bigger than her top. Her features were soft, kind. Her eyes were closed but I knew her irises were brown.
I knew because she was me.
I looked down at myself for the first time. I had on the same clothes that she did. Only, mine wasn't coated in blood. Mine was clean, fresh.
"Bella, no," this man cried, hugging the body to him.
I stood up, clearing my throat, but the man didn't budge. The other two men in the room didn't look at me, either.
Well, that was just plain rude.
"Charlie," one of the men said. I glanced at him. He had long hair, and seemed to be of a Native American descent. "She's gone. I'm sorry, Charlie. We have to call the police."
Charlie, the man holding my dead body to his live one, didn't answer. He kept on crying. I wished I could remember him. I must have meant a lot to him, for him to cry like that. Why? Who was he?
The other man, also of a Native American descent, sat next to Charlie while the one who spoke went out the door. I think I heard him talking. He must be on the phone, calling the authorities.
"Oh, God," Charlie kept repeating. The other man was a boy, really. He was tall, though. His hair, too, was long. His kind brown eyes looked stricken with grief as he looked at my dead body. He patted Charlie on the back.
I watched for hours as people I didn't know came and went. They took my body out of the house eventually, but I still couldn't leave the perimeters beyond the garden.
Charlie had driven a police cruiser here, I'd seen. But he drove my Chevy home, while one of the men he had came with took his car.
Too soon, I was all alone.
In a way, it was comforting.
All those people surrounding this place…I shuddered. It didn't feel right.
This was meant as a sanctuary, as a place where you didn't have to hide or be afraid to show yourself. None of them could have seen me, of course, but I still didn't like them being here.
This was his house.
I remembered him. His smile. I remembered his smile.
I couldn't remember his name. I knew it was there, in the back of my mind, but it hurt to look for it.
So I went up the stairs and went into a room to rest. I didn't particularly feel tired. I just wanted to lay back and let go of what had happened today.
I found a room, almost bare. It had a wardrobe, a bathroom, and a golden carpet on the floor. But there was no bed, no vanity, nothing.
I sighed. This felt like home.
I went to the golden carpet and laid down, hands behind my head. I stared at the ceiling and closed my eyes.
He came to me then. His sparkling body taunted my normalcy. But I couldn't look away. I had to get closer. I had to touch him. I had to be with him. He called my name, and held out his hand. I reached out to take it, but he disappeared before my very eyes.
He turned around and ran faster than I could follow. His bronze hair was the last thing I saw as he darted through the trees.
My eyes snapped open. Trees? I was in a house…There were no trees. Where had I dreamt I was?
Where was he?
I sighed as my eyes adjusted to the familiar room.
There were a lot of things I was unsure of, a lot of questions I needed answers to.
But certain things I already knew.
My name was Bella. I was a woman in love. I had been heartbroken. And I had committed suicide.
Would he find me?
Please. Find me. Come back to me.
That was it, chapter 1. Please tell me if you want me to continue this…Alright, I probably will just continue anyway. I just wanted you to know that if you are reading this, Edward and the Cullens would move back to their house in Chapter 2 and find out everything.
Wonder if they could see her…Hmm…
Sorry if I'm repeating something someone else already wrote. I was just listening to songs, Evanescence came on, and Taking Over Me reminded me of how Bella and Edward (I'm guessing) felt during their time apart in NM.
I hope you enjoyed it and please review, even if you don't and wanted to bash me or anything.