My Immortal by Evanescence is one of the saddest, most heart rendering songs I have listened to. And I felt that it perfectly describes the heartbreak in New Moon. So here, alternating between Bella and Edward, I want to express the song through their pain, or their pain through the song…whichever. Please review if possible, I'd seriously appreciate it…!!! NOTE: short passages show that the particular bit in the song is thought by both of them…
I had left my parents and siblings in Denali, too wounded by this pain that was shocking me. In this dismal shack, sitting here unknowingly, magnetized by her, I had spent a week. I was so ashamed, leaving her like that, sitting here for these days drinking the blood of the smallest animals I could find. Here I sat sobbing, but no tears came out. I couldn't go back – I couldn't move on. Already, the week had weakened me, and this shack had made me feel disgust for myself, unable to do anything – neither move forward and get on with the path I had modelled for myself, nor go back to her and kiss her on her fragile lips once more. I was so awfully weary of sitting here – stationary. This place was my only refuge for the moment, where I was strong enough to resist going back because I knew the pain it would cause her; fearing that if I went back, she wouldn't accept me – firstly – and secondly….I would hurt her again. These juvenile worries, fears, whichever – made me want to go back so badly! I thought about her day night and day….I wanted to go back and hold her – kiss her – hug her – hell even talk to her if that was all……
I lay sobbing in my pillow, my eyes sore, screaming on the inside about this numbness, this tragedy, this calamity. Half my mind was cursing myself for being not too good – for falling like a bad klutz onto that glass. Why, why, why??? WHY??? And now what was the reason to live? If he had to go to protect me – my anger would let him go….but to call him back, that's what I would do! Beg, cry, plead, and scream, suicide – whatever it took to get him back!! He was gone…but I felt him breeze around me – I would see the rocking chair, and then him rocking peacefully on it and my eyes would fill. I would see the CD case he gave me and cry till my eyes were red and Charlie would shake me to sanity….and wherever I looked, I would see him, I would see my dearest Edward. I would gasp at his eyes, stop breathing at his surreal beauty and then realize that he was gone. Everywhere I looked – these mirages would never leave me alone…..
And then this heart – it would ache with the pain his spear had stabbed me, draining me of any reason or understanding, draining me of my carefreeness and happiness! The wound, everytime it tried to close, I saw him in my head, heard his voice – and it would open wide, bleeding afresh! It would never close after the week – it would refuse to heal and throb painfully as I tried to make my glottis feel less painful, to calm my sore heart. And the pain – it would fill me up like drink and in the nights – I would bury my face in the pillow to suppress my cries and bawls and screeches when I felt myself trying to grip onto anything to avoid its pragmaticity….its pierce!! That year we were together, the wonder year, I knew that if anyone told me to wipe those memories away – there was only too much – time could never wipe away the recollections of my love!
Fighting the pain – fighting my lost human emotions that told me to kill myself – I would tearlessly weep whenever I thought about her, all the time. I knew I had been here one – I knew that whenever she was sad or gloomy or even whenever she cried – I would do anything I could to keep her happy! When she was sad in the car when we had returned from the restaurant, my insides and writhed in hurt and I had done whatever I could to cheer her up! Whenever she had fallen in the lightest of troubles – whenever she had screamed because it hurt, because it was too terrorizing – like James – I had felt so uncontrollable, and I had done anything it took to annihilate her fears, to scare away the bad omens…I had been her guardian for eternity – for that years, and I had loved her like I had loved no one else. I had held her hand in mine like a precious ring and held her to my heart, I had wanted to be with her charisma, her laughter, her happiness, her human aura – I had protected her, loved her, adored her, and made her mine. And yet still – if I was me for doing this, she had kept all of me, back with her in Forks…we were one, and whatever I was now – I wasn't even Edward Cullen, because she had me, she had kept me close to her heart, and she would never let go.
The numbness engulfs me now whenever I lie like this on my bed and stare at the ceiling, too late to realize that the memoirs of our past were glazing my eyes – and I am too late to comprehend that I reminisce our days together, I remember the glow of your skin, the pale, cold texture, the golden eyes…
The numbness engulfs me now as I like, crouched in this murky, dark corner and randomly see you in my imprinted memories – how I see your ivory skin gleam in the sun – your brown eyes twinkle with depth and your beautiful body swathed in pretty clothes, how I'd hold out my arm to stop you from falling….
And again as I apprehend that I am once again thinking of you, the pain overwhelms me and the tears leak out of my dead eyes. I lie awake, too scared to close my eyes because I know that when I will sleep, I will dream – and I will dream of you and the forest we last touched each other. I'm too afraid to go back to seeing your face that haunts my night-time imaginings – to see my enjoyable dreams suddenly change into you and I cry, and scream and beg, because you run away again and again…
And again, as I apprehend that I'm seeing your face, conjuring it in the venomized depths of my brain, I slump back into the heartbreaking torpor, sobbing tearless sobs, moaning..! Though I never slept, I close my eyes to pull myself from frightening reality and I see – once upon a time I might have seen nature, tried to let human memories resurface, but these immediately transform into nightmares where I see you and you cry, cry and bleed and scream and your eyes are filled with terrible anguish!
And even after waking up screaming after watching you run, then numbness taking charge again…
Everytime I broke that promise – like you had broken yours – I would hear your soft, musical velvety voice fill my mind and I would have lost the last ounce of sense that I had held on to, to live on, to see Charlie. I would hear you laugh or roar or say something and immediately, the voice chased away the reason in me and I went berserk – mad – crazy and I would flounder around with hope marred by sorrow!!
In the dismal nights when I hunt, I pounce and drink the blood of the animal, and then your questions immediately attack my mind: "Can I watch you hunt?" "What's your favourite?" "Um well….bitten by a radioactive spider?" "How do you hunt a bear without weapons?" The slightest trace of her voice would be brought up and I would massacre the entire forest in my terrible grief. I would yowl like a wounded monster and fall to the ground, inadvertently trying to hurt myself for doing this, to stop myself from going back…!
And again, sitting back up, I would stare at the sky trying to retrieve my sanity – no matter how hard I tried, your face would be embossed into my eyes, your voice in my ears, your touch on my skin, your kiss on my lips…and with everything I was trying to do, with all of your senses and mine entwined, again and again – a blinding, maddening pain would impale my imaginary heart, because now I felt more human, and yet more monstrous than ever. And this wide, gaping hole that burnt and twisted and writhed inside me would suddenly moan in agony – and I would sit there for eternity – cradling it – to make it heal, which it was never doing. And the pan that slowly built whilst I was trying to forget – however genuine it was, it was getting too real. And as I sought a way to stop my heart from whimpering like this – I knew I had to forget. By these vampire memories were too strong and long – her every twitch and move was imprinted into my head. Just too much to be deleted. Jus too much…..
Again, this car was my refuge. The hand over my heart was only to heal it…again. The reason for the pain caught my mind, and my heart burnt even more. And then his face again tormented my thoughts – I saw his fears, his scares and his weaknesses, and I saw myself mending them and making him stronger.
I gave in to the darkness, the fog. I got out of my car and back into my empty house. Back under the sheets, back into the dreams…back into my torments…
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone…I tried my best to know that after the blank forest, that was you in my life. Just nothingness. I tried so hard to tell myself that you had run away, left me because you didn't love me anymore. It just tormented my at night – seeing you again. I knew you hand gone. As much as I tried to convince myself, the same conscience would push away these pessimistic assumptions. I very well knew that you had told me that I was taking away a part of you whenever I was away from your godly presence – and I know that this part of you is what makes me regret my existence, what keeps me wide eyed awake at night, what makes me cry in pain, what makes me see your face is my insane recollections. And you're with me. I know it – this is why I haven't killed myself. You're with me.
But I feel so estranged – I feel like the world is one and I am entirely another. I feel so alone and lonely. All along – this madness – seeing you again in my heads and dreams….I've been estranged from reality, from you.
I'm all alone. I'm Bella Swan – and I've just lost the love of my existence.
Again and again, I'd think that I had been her only. Again and again, I had been her brother and lover combined. I had seen her sleep – innocent angel. I had loved her like I had loved no one ever. The sun in my life since her move was Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella….my angel.
The numbness was reappearing. I had thought that high school was Purgatory.
This was the innermost, deepest and the most torturous depth of hell. The darkness rules me now. It numbs the love. It numbs the insanity. Tonight, I escape into hell. Tonight – I feel nothing. I don't live anymore. I move, I speak, I ob and I see I hear I touch I talk. But inside, I'm dead. I knew I had her tucked inside my heart – let her cuddle in. My imaginary girl. I had her kept in a secure compartment of my feeling box. But I felt so alone – so separate from the rest of the world…like the world is one and I am another. I have, with my foolish and much needed decisions – been estranged from reality, and you, Bella Swan.
I'm all alone. I'm Edward Cullen - and I've just lost the love of my existence.