My Never
Chapter 1

AN: Okay, super quick author's note. I know I always ramble in these things. This is another idea that wouldn't leave my head turned fanfiction. I was in a good mood because today was a snow day (yay!) so I decided to upload this. I know there have been some similar fics done before, but this is completely different. Just trust me. It is AU from the end of season 2. I'm not really sure what season it is when Devony comes. Season four or five, I guess. I'm not going to follow the show closely, or anything, so it doesn't matter. Oh, and Burke didn't leave. He and Cristina are married. I can't write Owen at all, it just doesn't work, so once again, I just keep Burke instead. Okay, that's it. Enjoy :D

Oh, and for those of you who read Beautiful Disaster, don't worry; I haven't given up on it or anything. I've got many chapters of it written, so I needed something to do in the meantime. I promise an update soon.

My Never is a song by Blue October that will be released in 2009. There is a clip of the song on YouTube. I do not own it, and neither do I own Grey's Anatomy.

Mark ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

The minute Mark saw her, he knew. It was unreasonable that he should know so quickly, but when he spotted those blue eyes, there was no escaping the conclusion he made. It made complete sense at the same time as being completely unfathomable to him.

It had been a normal morning. He'd woken up and hunted for his clothes in an unfamiliar room. He crept out of the room of the woman whose hair color he could no longer remember, not to mention her face. Then he'd driven out to Derek's trailer and pretended to like the trout Derek cooked for breakfast. When he arrived at Seattle Grace he had a burn case waiting. He'd grafted and cut and sewed and graciously accepted the parent's heartfelt thanks. He tried to escape the nagging claims of his brain that each day was exactly the same.

Today, though, had already changed the course of his life. The days would never return to their exhausting monotony again because of the whirlwind of events Mark knew he would inevitably be pulled into. Seeing her made him sure of that. He thought in retrospect that maybe he should have been grateful for the normalcy, but it was officially too late.

Just a few minutes ago, he had been aglow with the triumph of a successful surgery. Now, however, he was feeling sort of shell shocked, or as if he had been punched in the stomach.

His wicked McSteamy smile disappeared, replaced with an open mouthed look usually found on goldfish. The nurses were watching, extremely amused, as the sex god McSteamy suddenly looked completely nonplussed.

Seeing her, walking down the hall as if she owned the place, an entire congregation behind her, brought back memories of four years ago, the time that life's incessant hope seemed to have gotten snuffed out.

Addison ~ Derek's Trailer ~ 4 years ago

Sometimes it's only a small one thing that turns your whole world upside down. For Addison Montgomery Shepherd, it was a pair of panties. A pair of slutty, lacy black panties that did not belong to her.

It wasn't really the panties, it was the message they conveyed: Derek doesn't love you. She had suspected something was going on with him and Meredith at prom. But things were so weird with the LVAD wire being cut and Denny dying and Izzie quitting that she'd dismissed it.

But the stupid black panties were proof of something she'd never wanted to face. She suddenly couldn't get the image of her husband fucking Meredith Grey out of her head. It made her physically sick but for some reason she couldn't stop it from playing over and over again. She sprinted the few feet to the trailer's bathroom and threw up the contents of her stomach in the toilet.

She coughed and gagged and retched and eventually just started crying. And the tears didn't stop as she packed up her shoe collection and a few more essential things and put them in Derek's car. She dug up the divorce papers, signed them furiously and decisively, and put them in her bag to give to Derek.

It had been a few days since prom. She had avoided Derek like the plague while she tried to figure out what to do. This morning she'd realized she couldn't stay here. Her stuff at her hotel was already packed. Her flight was booked. She had talked to Richard, who hadn't been happy, but had understood, and her contract with the hospital was broken.

She left Derek's keys in his locker and opened hers one last time. She opened her black bag and dumped it all in. Then she headed up to the Chief's office.

In a few minutes she would be free of Seattle forever. There was just one thing she had left to do. Might as well deliver the divorce papers in person.

She set off to find Derek, but found someone else instead. "Mark?" she called.

"Addison? Hey," he said, studying her. She would be forever grateful to him for coming out. She had called him because she'd needed a friend, and he'd been there. She knew Derek thought she'd slept with him, but it wasn't true. She didn't want to leave, because Mark had been thinking of staying to fix things with Derek, but she knew she couldn't. "What are you doing?" he asked, seeing her bag and her coat still on.

"I'm giving him the divorce papers and then I'm going back to New York."

Mark hugged her and let her cry into his shoulder. "Addison, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to – I mean, I don't want you to be alone in New York."

"No, Mark, you should stay here. Patch things up with him. He'll forgive you eventually, even if he couldn't forgive me. I have friends in New York, I'll be fine."

"Okay," he said, but she saw in his eyes that he was worried about her. "If you ever need me . . . I'll be there."

"Thanks, Mark." She kissed his cheek softly and then was gone.

It was in the middle of a mostly deserted hallway on the surgical floor that she saw Derek. He was alone, to her relief. She walked up to him, set papers in front of him, and turned to leave.

"Have your lawyer call mine once you get those signed. Don't drag it out like last time, Derek. This is over." She tried to spin around and walk away, but he grabbed her arm.

"Addison, what is this?"

"Derek, I don't have time for your bullshit. They're divorce papers. You obviously don't want to be married to me anymore and you obviously don't love me anymore. So I'm leaving."

His face crumpled when he realized she'd found out about Meredith. "How did you know?"

"Does it even matter anymore? You get what you want. And in a perverse way, I get what I want. You want Meredith, so sign the damn papers and go be with her. I want you to be happy, and you will be with her. I still love you, and I think I always will. Maybe . . maybe we just weren't meant to be together."

Her face softened for an instant. She reached out her hand, slowly, and cupped his face. Then she leaned in and pressed her lips to his one last time. She kissed him gently, slowly, lingeringly, savoring the taste and the smell of him. Soon he would belong to someone else. The thought made the tears in her eyes spill over, and when she finally pulled away from him, they were transferred to his cheeks.

Addison looked deep into his pale blue eyes. Her hand caressed the curls just touching the back of his neck. She leaned in again, just once more, and touched her lips to his. Then she was gone, gone forever.

Derek didn't know she was taking more with her than just her stuff. Addison didn't know she was leaving something behind with him – doubt.

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ 4 years ago

After that, Derek couldn't help wondering if he had made the right choice. Sure, he had told Meredith he had chosen wrong. But what if his initial instinct had been right? He had chosen what he thought his heart was telling him. But then his brain had gotten in the way, imagining his life with Meredith.

Derek tried to ignore his nagging instincts. They were screaming at him to run after Addison and fix what he had broken. The feeling that he was making the wrong decision and that his life was running away from him right at that moment overwhelmed him. He shook himself, determined to forget about it. He had Seattle, and he had Meredith.

But he would soon find out that the life he had pictured with her was nothing more than a fantasy.

~ Addison ~

Addison walked slowly out of Seattle Grace, her tears falling freely. She was determined never to come back, never to set foot in the accursed place again. She was done with Derek. He would always be the love of her life, but she wasn't the love of his.

"And you know what he told me? He said he chose wrong. He said the first time around, he chose wrong. He wishes he would have chosen me instead of Addison. And he came over just to say that he loves me. He loves me."

Meredith Grey's words, uttered unthinkingly from around the corner, tore Addison's heart to shreds. She walked into the parking lot, utterly broken. The bright Seattle sky seemed to mock her as she drove to the airport. On the plane, her face was illuminated by sunlight, as if she wasn't already glowing. Already glowing.

She thought the only thing she was bringing from Seattle was the vestiges of her love for Derek and whatever pieces of her heart she had managed to scrounge up. She was wrong.