Everything We Had

Summary: What if Bella hadn't taken Edward back after he returned? what would have happened? Would he be able to take her back? Based during New Moon. My first Twilight fic so don't be too harsh :)

Disclaimer: If I really owned Twilight, do you think I would be wasting my time writing fanfics? I think not! So as you see, everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer...unfortunately.

Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist-Everything We Had; The Academy Is...

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''I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.'' Edward said to me. We lay in my bed, my body pressed up against his cold, marble statue. He looked deeply into my eyes, his coal into my chocolate. He was hungry. I was hungry too, but not for blood or food, but for love. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. As much as I loved him, I just couldn't take him back. Not after what he'd done to me. What I had become."I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please- just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" he whispered."

"I...Edward I just...I can't." I softly said. His eyes read pain. I tried my best to hold back the tears that were already coming to my eyes. "I love you. I really do. More than anything in the world-in the universe, and I will never love anyone else, but I just can't. I wouldn't be able to survive if you left me again."

"I could never leave you again, Bella. I would never want to, or be able to." Edward whispered to me. His words rang with truth, but I still didn't believe him. I had believed him when he said he didn't love me too, and look where that got me.

"You killed me Edward. You killed me in the worst way possible. And I can't let you kill me again. Things only just started getting better. I can't just start all over again." The tears were now flooding down my face. Every time I tried wiping them away, it seemed twice as many came in return. "And I couldn't even show it, Edward! I had to be happy! I had to be happy for Charlie, and Renee, and I had to keep going. I had to go to school, and cook dinner, and do my homework, and go to work, and do everything like I always did like everything was OK, like I was OK. And I'm not OK, Edward!"

"I'm not OK either, Bella. But we can make each other OK. We can make each other better than OK, we can be perfect and happy. I love you." I felt Edward's ice fingers wipe my tears away.

"I can't love you anymore, Edward. It hurts too much." I whispered before turning away from him. I felt the weight on the bed shift as he got up.

"I'm sorry." I didn't realize he was gone until I finally turned back around, 5 minutes later, and the room stood empty, the window open. I slowly closed my eyes, drifting back to sleep, fresh tears softly rolling down my face.

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I sat silently eating my cereal. Or more so picking up spoonfulls of cereal and letting them drop back down. The cereal had become soft and soggy from sitting there 15 minutes without being eaten. Charlie had already left for work, and it was too early to leave for school. Alice had gone back to the Cullen home with everyone else. Including him. No! Stop it! You are not going to think about that Bella. Think of something else. Something happy...but there is nothing happy. Now he's back and I'm going to have to see him everyday, in every class, and pretend like I'm doing perfectly fine without him. If anything, I was worse. Because now he was around, he just wasn't mine anymore. And it was all my fault. He still loves me, and I love him. But I had blown it because I'm too afraid. Too afraid to lose him again.

Yesterday felt like years ago. I had sat next to him on the plane, he had kissed my wrists, my hair, my forehead. He had held me against him in bed, like so many months ago. And he still loved me like so many months ago. But he had still left me, so who says he wouldn't leave me again? Him. He says he would never leave me again, that he couldn't. I want to believe it, I really do but I don't. It's like when your little and you first find out there's no Santa Claus. You want to believe it so so badly, but you know he isn't real. And yet still, a little part of you still believes, just to have something to believe in. I chuckled softly to myself. He was my Santa Claus.

I looked up at the clock. It was still pretty early to show up at school, but I had nothing better to do. Except wallow and cry of course, but I didn't particularly want to do that. He'd see my bloodshot eyes instantly, and I wouldn't let him see that. I couldn't let him see that. I slowly grabbed my bag and walked outside to my truck. It was raining as usual, but it seemed like the sky was just as sad as I was. The loud roar of the truck suprised me, although I knew I should be used to it by now. I drove silently to school feeling particularly empty with no sound, and yet at the same time I didn't want any sound. I didn't want to listen to any music, and I definitely didn't want to talk to anyone. I just can't win. But I'm used to it, when have I ever won before?

I slowly parked the truck and trudged to my first class. I was the first student in the classroom which I certainly didn't mind. That meant Edward wasn't here yet. I sat down in my spot near the back of the classroom and doodled random nonsense on my notebook. I hadn't noticed the time pass until I looked up to find Mike Newton standing in front of me, and the majority of the other students in groups talking to each other loudly.

"Hey, you're back! Where were you?" Mike asked me happily, as usual.

"I...uh," What was I supposed to say? I wasn't going to tell him the truth, but I didn't particularly want to tell him the lie I told Charlie either. Mike looked at me, waiting for an answer. Then, he walked in and swiftly and quickly went to speak to the teacher. Mike looked up at him and a look of knowing appeared on his face.

"He's back?" He asked, with a barely noticeable amount of anger in his voice. They never really had liked each other much. I just nodded, not speaking. Mike silently went over to his seat as Edward walked down the aisle of desks to the empty seat beside me.

"Hey, Bella." He said barely more than a whisper as he sat down.

"Hi." I managed to choke out before going back to my doodling, this time with more pressure than before.

The class seemed to go by even slower than usual. Edward didn't try to speak to me, picking up that I didn't, or rather couldn't talk to him. When the bell rang, I expected Edward to instantly rush out of the classroom like he used to, before we had first "gotten together" but he waited for me as I slowly picked up all of my books. We silently walked to our next class together, catching stares and whispers when people saw that he was back, and probably assumed we were back together. But we weren't. As much as I would love we were, we weren't, and we never would be. I would go on forever (or more the rest of my life since the chances of me being a vampire now were even slimmer than before) without him. I almost started crying just at the thought, but I shook my head trying to erase it from my mind.

"What are you thinking?" He asked me.

"You don't want to know." I said simply. and I knew he didn't. Because if he really loved me like he said, he was just as upset about not spending forever with me as I was. But he didn't love me. He couldn't love me. People don't leave the one they love no matter what. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself...

"Yes I do." He replied looking me in the eyes. We were seated now, and the class was just about to start.

"Well we don't always get what we want, do we?" I said and turned away. He was quiet after that, and I felt bad. I didn't apoligize though. I don't believe in sorry anymore. Sorry doesn't have much meaning after it's been said thousands of times throughout a lifetime. It's not hard to say, even if you don't mean it. Even I can say sorry and look believable, despite my lack of lying expertise. Sorry doesn't fix things. It definitely doesn't fix hearts. Sorry is just a word to make people feel better about themselves, knowing they did as much as they could. Or so they tell themselves.

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That's it so far! What do you think? Comment! Review! Add to story alerts! That's the only way I'll know people are actually reading it. I need compliments/constructive critisicm/ect! Now! Do it now! I'll update as soon as I can and I have anough reviews.