Funny Time of Year
Summary: How Drakken and Shego spent the Christmas of season 3.
Drakken was humming to himself as he crossed the floor of his lab, headed for the couch.
The couch and— more importantly— the TV.
Soon, he'd be watching it in HD quality on a huge widescreen. It would be glorious.
This year, he'd have no problem with spending Christmas alone. Last year, he'd just been too busy to consider his solitude much, but the years before that had been kind of...well, depressing, which was probably why he'd kept himself busy with a plan last year.
This year, however, what he'd been working on during the last few days would come to fruition in just a few minutes, and that fact alone would be more than enough to keep him warm during this holiday.
Still humming, he made a little game of cheerfully tossing his bags of snacks over the back of the couch, already planning to get himself a mug of cocoa, when he heard a loud, surprised yelp of objection.
"Hey! Watch it!"
Drakken gasped, taking a bewildered step back; if he'd still been holding his bags of snacks, he would've dropped them."Shego? What are you doing here?" He demanded as soon as he'd recognized the voice and realized that it wasn't some random Christmas burglar stupid enough to break into a villain's lair.
A green scowl under a big head of dark hair became just visible over the edge of the couch. "Having things randomly dumped on my head, apparently." Came the sour reply.
"Well, I'm sorry, but I wasn't exactly expecting anybody to be—" Drakken snapped, but cut himself off just as abruptly, gawking at her as the full implications of her presence dawned on him. "You're…are you spending Christmas here?"
She shrugged, turning back around to what looked like a snowboard commercial. "Looks like."
"Um…why?" He hazarded.
"Gee, Dr. D, keep that up and I might start thinkin' you don't want me here." She said with feigned hurt innocence.
Despite her apparent nonchalance, however, there was a tiny doubt at the back of her mind. For the last few days, he'd been working on a project for which he'd claimed not to need her assistance, generally not speaking to her much and busying himself with something he wouldn't reveal to her what was…and now she did have to wonder, at least a little, why he'd been avoiding her and what his plans for Christmas were that didn't involve her. Maybe he didn't want her there. Well, tough luck, Doc, she thought to herself, glaring at the TV.
Drakken let out an explosive sigh. "Oh, come on, Shego, you can't just show up here on Christmas Eve and don't expect me to wonder why! Shouldn't you be lying on some beach somewhere?"
She scoffed. "Shyeah, I tried robbing a bank yesterday just to, y'know, get some extra cash for Christmas, and after my inevitable run in with the Princess, I'm so bruised and battered she might as well just've put me in a big can full of rocks and given it a good shake! I am so not wearing a bathing suit this Christmas!" Shego snarled, sitting up, turning around and pulling up her sleeve. "I mean, look at this! And that's not even the half of it!"
Frowning, Drakken walked up to her and curiously leaned down to look, and indeed, there were bruises of all sizes running down her arm in various shades of green and yellow.
"Oh." Drakken blinked. "Uh, do you need some ice?" He offered awkwardly, not quite knowing what else to say. He'd just grown so accustomed to spending Christmas alone.
"Yeah, I want ice— if you put it in a scotch." Shego replied, sagging down into the couch again as she dragged her sleeve back down. "Damn brat ruined my vacation," she muttered, rubbing her side.
Giving his sidekick another curious glance, Drakken shrugged and went out into the kitchen. He still had fifteen more minutes to kill before the big event, so he figured he might as well do her that favor. Usually, he would've told her to get her own scotch, but seeing as he was now forced to spend Christmas with her, doing something that might put her out of her bad mood seemed like a wise move.
Waiting for his cocoa to boil, he retrieved the crystal decanter of scotch and a matching glass from one of the kitchen cabinets, thinking that it was a miracle how they'd escaped unscathed after having been present during the destruction of about fifteen separate lairs.
Ten minutes later, Drakken hurried back, carrying a tray of cocoa and scotch, the ice cubes rattling noisily against the crystal as he moved towards the TV, anxious to get watching.
As he came around the couch, Shego reached up and accepted the glass of scotch he offered, taking a long, languid sip, shivering with enjoyment as the liquid chilled and burned her throat at the same time.
"Now that's more like it," she said, putting her feet up on the coffee table and propping her head up comfortably with a couple of fluffy pillows. "I might even actually be able to tolerate this Christmas," she sighed, closing her eyes.
Drakken sat down as well, curling his fingers around his mug of cocoa, smiling at the warmth that seeped through his skin, his shoulders sagging. Only four more minutes, now, he thought, before something else occurred to him. "Shego? Why didn't you just go on a different holiday where you didn't have to wear a swimsuit?" He asked, studying her relaxed profile.
"One, everything worthwhile was already fully booked for the holidays," Shego murmured without looking up, lazily swinging the glass of scotch back and forth in her hand, "and two, remember what happened last year?"
Drakken nodded. "Yes, I was getting ready to launch Drakk-Force 1, when—"
"When you crash landed on the North Pole and I had to cut my vacation short to come get you." She interrupted him dryly. "This year, I figured…why even bother to go at all? Something's going to ruin my Christmas vacation, anyway. If it's not you in peril, it'll be a sudden random roach infestation at my five star hotel like the year before that."
Drakken looked at her in surprise. So that was why she'd come home as early as the second day of Christmas that year. Roaches at a five star hotel did sound like the kind of bad luck that would make anyone give up eventually.
Shego rolled her eyes. "So you know, I'm thinking that this Christmas, I so don't wanna end up on the North Pole and have seriously freaky sing-a-longs with the Possibles— I mean, I still have no idea what happened, I'm still just wishing I dreamed the whole thing or hit myself over the head or— I mean, what in the world—"
"I thought it was nice," Drakken interjected, pouting slightly.
"Yeah, but some of us aren't used to being all detached from reality," Shego snarked, raising an eyebrow.
Drakken scowled. "That's it, I'm cutting you off," he declared, putting the crystal stopper back in the scotch decanter and placing the alcohol out of her reach.
Shego gave an irritated little scoff and defiantly grabbed a handful of ginger snaps. Then she took a swig of his cocoa, just because.
He glared back at her, refusing to be provoked on Christmas Eve. To demonstrate, he waited patiently until she was done with the cocoa, not trying to snatch it back from her, determined not to lose the battle of wills for once.
Shego failed to be impressed, however, only leaning back with a satisfied grunt. Then, to his dismay, she picked up the remote.
Drakken cleared his throat apprehensively. "Are you…planning on sitting here and watching TV?" He asked, silently cursing himself for not having had the foresight to have laid claim on the remote already.
She nodded. "Nothing much else to do. Why?"
Drakken's face fell for a second, but he persevered, his fists clenching. "I really wanted to watch The Six Tasks of Snowman Hank." He told her hopefully.
Shego blanched. She didn't quite recognize the title, even if it did sound vaguely familiar, but whatever it was, it sounded like a corny Christmas special; just the kind she loathed. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me."
"Please, Shego? It's only once a year!" He insisted, then added sternly: "Besides, it's my lair and my TV and if I say I want to watch Snowman Hank, then—"
"Oh, for— no. Just no." She gritted, voice dangerously low.
To Shego's horror, Drakken's eyes turned big and shiny, then, his lower lip jutting out in a pout; he looked almost, almost on the verge of tears. "Shego? Please?" He begged in a small voice. "It's only twenty-five minutes long!"
Grimacing, Shego threw her hands up. "Gah! Not the puppy dog pout! Seriously, Dr. D, how low can you get? Ugh!"
Drakken grinned triumphantly, snatching the remote from her hand. "Thank you, Shego!" Apparently, the puppy dog pout had a much greater effect on Shego than lecturing her about living under his roof. He'd have to try to remember that.
Shego groaned, leaning back in defeat. "Don't mention it," she muttered sarcastically.
By the time the intro appeared, Drakken was practically bouncing in his seat; when Snowman Hank opened his mouth to deliver the first festive line, Drakken was bouncing.
Shego could do nothing but resign herself to the bright, intense assault of jolliness. Sighing, she stared moodily at the glass in her hand, rattling the ice cubes.
"Y'know, Dr. D, this is what Christmas is all about," she commented, then, in an offhanded kind of way.
For a moment, Drakken was so surprised that the colorful antics of the animated snowman actually lost his attention. "What is? Christmas specials? Candy?"
Shego scowled. "Doom." She said bluntly. "It's about doom."
Drakken's brow rose. "Not that I don't like doom, Shego, but…what do you mean?"
"It's about doing stuff you don't wanna do out of some lame sense of guilt or obligation to your family," she mumbled.
"But we're not related, Shego." He reminded her, puzzled.
For a moment, Shego glared almost accusingly at him, looking oddly uncomfortable. "That's what makes this even worse," she concluded, before downing the rest of her scotch.
Drakken sent her a confused look, but eventually shrugged, returning his attention to the TV and digging into the bag of snowman-shaped ginger snaps.
"Speaking of annoying," Shego spoke up again, her tone a bit more casual now, "why aren't you spending Christmas with your family?"
"Well, Mother is on her annual vacation to Miami for her health." Drakken explained. "She's not a big fan of cold weather."
He'd relocated them to his Alaskan lair to get that perfect Christmas ambiance— and maybe because he knew his mother wouldn't defy the freezing cold and snowy hills of the mountains, even to see him. "She sent me a box of homemade latkes, though," he added quickly, for some reason suddenly worried it would sound like his mother didn't care about him.
Shego's eyebrow lifted inquisitorially. "Oh, yeah, about that— shouldn't you, y'know, be lighting a menorah or something right about now? What are you doing watching the Christmas specials?"
Drakken shook his head. "Eh, I'm not really one for religion. You know I'm a scientist at heart, Shego. I'm only technically Jewish, I don't practice it."
"Then what's with the sugary Christmas stories?" Shego persisted.
"Just because I like them, it doesn't mean I'm religious— I just take whatever bits of holidays that I find amusing and throw the rest out. I'm evil, I can do whatever I want." Drakken informed her smugly.
"Yeah, evil is a pretty good excuse all around." Shego agreed, looking self-satisfied. "Kinda gets you out of annoying family gatherings."
"So, did your brothers…?" Drakken began reluctantly, a little wary of the subject considering how angry she'd been the last time her brothers had showed up, but too curious not to ask.
"My email inbox is full, and so is my answering machine," Shego told him, an exasperated groan escaping her that matched her expression. "I keep changing my addresses and my phone numbers, but they always find me." She lamented, making a face. "Good thing Hego's such a stupid optimist. He's always so sure I'm gonna turn up that he doesn't try to come get me. Not that I woulda visited them even then," She added, grinning, 'but hey, less of a hassle for me, anyway."
Drakken sent her an innocent look. "You know, it sounds like they really wanted to see you for Christmas, if they tried to contact you that often."
Shego barely managed to bite back the long-suffering sigh; great, more guilt trips.
She regarded him witheringly. "Yeah, you know what? If you think the Go Family Christmas Experience sounds so great, then by all means, feel free to visit them in my place," she offered sardonically. "I'm sure you'll have lots of fun wondering what'll happen next— will it be the twins overdosing on sugar and filling the whole house with replicates running amuck? Will it be the well-meaning but thick-headed Hego inviting a family of squirrels to stay at our house? Will it be Mego trying to talk everyone into giving him some of their gifts because he claims he hasn't gotten enough this year? Or hey," she went on, her voice rising in pitch and aggressiveness as she gestured wildly with the frustrating memories, "will it be Daddy Go insisting that we sing Rocking Around The Frickin' Christmas Tree for the umpteenth time while Mommy Go tries to force us into the horribly tacky sweaters she's knitted for us, just like every other year?" Shego suddenly realized she'd started ranting, and stopped, clearing her throat in annoyed embarrassment. "The fun never stops at my house," she mumbled darkly.
Drakken had grimaced and winced through the entire retelling of what a Christmas with the Go family would be like, and now he shuddered a little. No wonder she'd turned into such an antisocial, cranky person— i.e. a villain. At least he was fortunate enough to be an only child. If he'd had a mother like his and four siblings to deal with, he had no idea how he'd have turned out. He supposed he really couldn't blame Shego for wanting to spend the holidays relaxing alone on a beach.
A subject change was definitely in order, Drakken thought, cringing. "Um, what about you and religion?" Drakken said, asking the first thing that came to mind, before realizing he'd never really considered it before and was actually a little curious.
"Atheist," Shego said promptly, but then drew a deep breath and continued: "Although, considering all the bad luck I've had since becoming a villain, I'm not so sure."
Drakken nodded, his expression turning sullen. "I know what you mean. If there's anything out there, it's definitely not on our side." Then he brightened again as a new character appeared on the screen. "Oh, look, it's Slithering Sam!" Drakken enthused, smiling widely as he pointed at a green cartoon snake. "He's my favorite!"
"Oh, joy," Shego deadpanned, starting to wish she still had some scotch left. She watched with deep disbelief as Slithering Sam befriended a small field mouse— usually its natural prey— through the sheer magic of Christmas. It was beyond her why a villain would get all starry-eyed over this whole 'love your fellow man' philosophy deal, but she figured it was a nostalgia thing. As she continued to sit there and ponder the absurdity of the cartoon, however, something suddenly occurred to her. Something that had been nagging quietly at the back of her mind ever since he'd first asked if they could watch the special.
"Hey, wait a minute— I thought Snowman Hank was cancelled for good?" She demanded, sitting up. "Didn't you complain about it all last Christmas after we got back from the North Pole?"
As Drakken turned to her, she could see that his chest was inflating with barely contained pride and self-satisfaction. "Aha, Shego! For this time I took precautions!" He exclaimed victoriously.
"Like what?" She asked, feeling skeptical.
"Oh, let's just say that the head of the network happened to get kidnapped a few days ago, and that now, Snowman Hank will be running every three hours today as well as tomorrow…" Drakken let his sentence trail off, quite pleased with how nonchalant he was being about his glorious triumph.
Shego could only give him an incredulous stare. No wonder he didn't mind talking during the oh-so-precious cartoon if he knew it would be broadcast later that evening, too! "So that's what you were busy doing? That was the big Christmas scheme I wasn't allowed to know about?"
Drakken nooded, looking smug.
"And the cheerleader didn't try to stop you?" Shego prodded, still not quite believing it.
Drakken shook his head, grinning hugely. "Not this time. The buffoon and I had a little agreement."
"You must be joking." Shego tried, one last time.
"I never joke about Snowman Hank, Shego." He sniffed, turning his nose up with indignation.
Shego gave up, sighing. "Dr. D, you are just bizarre."
"Thank you. Now shhh, the best part's coming up."
When Drakken started singing along to Snowman Hank, Shego groaned and got up to pour herself another scotch.
Kim stared at her BFF. "So you're saying you and Drakken are responsible for getting Snowman Hank back on the air?"
Ron just nodded, as if it wasn't a big deal. "Yup."
"That's totally kidnapping, Ron!" Kim scolded, subjecting him to her best strict scowl; it didn't help that he'd kept her out of the loop, either. "And, like, associating with the enemy!"
"The only real crime here was cancelling Snowman Hank!" Ron objected fiercely, shaking his fist in defiance; then he shrugged, smiling. "Besides, the head of the network is perfectly all right. I had Wade check it out and everything."
"So that was why you sent me on that 'super important mission' to get you real saffron for your baking when all the stores in Middleton were suddenly and mysteriously out of it?" Kim asked in a flat tone.
"It was for a good cause, KP," Ron said brightly, pointing to the TV screen for evidence. "And hey, didn't Grandma Stoppable's Swedish saffron buns turn out badical?"
It was hard to be mad at a happy Ron, and even harder on Christmas Eve.
Kim gave up, sighing. "Ron, you are just bizarre."
"Thank you. Now shhh, the best part's coming up."
When Ron started singing along to Snowman Hank, Kim rolled her eyes, smiled and got up to make herself another cup of hot chocolate.
Finally, the credits were rolling.
"Well, that was lame beyond the telling of it," Shego grunted as she got up, zapping the TV off with relief and brushing ginger snap crumbs off of her pants, leaving the rest of her scotch untouched. "I think it's time for presents," She added firmly.
Drakken froze. "Presents?"
Shego nodded, cocking her hip. "It's part of the whole commercialized yuletide thing, after all."
"But I...I forgot to get you anything." Drakken admitted, glancing at her nervously, torn between his own guilt and the tentatively forming elation over the fact that it sounded like she'd actually gotten him a present.
"I know," she said simply, picking up her jacket where she'd thrown it across a chair. "Me too." She had a grin on her face as she turned around, meeting Drakken's baffled expression. "So let's go shopping," she clarified for him.
The baffled look stayed put. "Shopping? But it's too late now, all the shops are closed already—"
Shego snorted. "Good thing I have a skeleton key, then, huh?" She joked, smirking as she let her hand flare up, bathing her face in a green glow for a second.
Drakken's entire face lit up like a Christmas tree. "You mean...?"
"Uh huh." She nodded, looking amused.
"Evil Christmas!" Drakken squealed joyfully, bouncing on the couch cushions for a second before leaping up from the couch and sprinting towards his coat, hat, gloves, scarf and boots, pausing only to grab the bag of ginger snaps for the road.
When he was dressed, Shego took one look at his cheerful, red bobble hat and simply decided to pretend it didn't exist. There was just not enough mocking in the world to even begin to cover the subject.
"You're driving," she announced, tossing him the hover car keys.
When he bounded towards the hover car deck, laughing with manic, malicious glee all the way, she couldn't help but grin even as she shook her head.
As embarrassing as he was, this was still one of the better Christmases she'd experienced.
"Hurry, Shego!" Drakken called enthusiastically. "If we're back in three hours, we can catch Snowman Hank again!"
Author's note: Happy yuletide, ball roller guy. This one's for you, Marvolo Cassius. Apple slices, moohahahah!
How many Drakken-and-Shego-bantering-while-watching-TV scenes am I gonna end up writing in my lifetime? I just don't know. Make it stop, mommy. D: D: DX
I had no beta on this story. Rip it apart. :P
Puppy dog pout: It's an old trick— heck, I've used it plenty of times myself. I figure more people know about it than just KP.
Alaskan lair: Did they ever have one? Maybe, maybe not. As, among other episodes, Blush showed us, there are plenty of adventures we haven't been told on KP.
Twenty-five minutes: The length of The Grinch cartoon. It seemed fitting somehow. Besides, it couldn't be too long, or Shego's patience would snap halfway through it.
He'd have to try to remember that: Obviously, he forgot.
Slithering Sam: No idea. There was a snake character, so I just made something up.
Mommy and Daddy Go: Most fanfic writers seem to assume Shego's parents are dead. I figured it might be either way. Nothing was ever stated on the show about it. So I choose to have them be alive. And no, she doesn't call them Mommy Go and Daddy Go, that was just Shego being all sarcastic. :P
Religion: The show has never specified or even stated anything at all about that side of Drakken and Shego, so I'm feeling free to make them whatever I want.
Personally, I never got any religious vibes from them— not only are they evil (not that religious people can't be 'evil', hahah), but Drakken's a scientist through and through, and Shego's too cynical and realistic to believe, IMO.
No, I'm not really an atheist. I don't belong to any particular religion either, though.
Presents: In Norway, we open our presents on the evening of the twenty-fourth of December. I've heard that people usually open their presents on the morning of the twenty-fifth in the US, but since Wikipedia tells me it depends on the family/traditions/etc whether they open their presents on the twenty-fourth or the twenty-fifth, I'm going with the twenty-fourth since that's what I'm used to.
Besides, Drakken and Shego only went shopping for the gifts on Christmas Eve— I suppose they could wait to open them until the next morning. Then again, patience was never their strong point. :P
Also, Kim gave Ron his present on Christmas Eve during A Very Possible Christmas, so I guess it's all right.