A/N: Continuing the tradition of bad Christmas presents, I give you crack. [Alternative summary: "Dear Diary, today I turned into a girl. That minor detail aside, still busy taking over the world."]
For those of you who ask for a sequel, a continuation of sorts called 'Divide and Conquer' has been written by A Mistake.
The day Yagami Light woke up a girl was not the weirdest day in his life. That was the day he picked up a black notebook and decided to see if he could kill off a sizeable portion of the human population with it. It was not the worst day of his life, that honour going, he felt, to the day L managed to enrage him beyond sense and deduce his location with a ridiculously simple gambit. It was a day of new experiences however, chief among them the experience of waking up to the realisation that something he'd taken for granted could and would change over night.
He walked into the bathroom, locked the door, stripped, and looked at himself in the mirror. He bounced up and down experimentally. His mirror eyes told him nothing except that there had been no change in his eye colour. He then did what any teenage boy could reasonably be expected to do in his situation – after screaming and panicking, which he decided to forgo as being both undignified and unhelpful – and examined his new body thoroughly.
When he left the bathroom an hour later, he was confident he could reduce Misa to mute pliability, but no closer to understanding how or why his body had felt so dissatisfied with its maleness it decided to become a female body overnight.
He walked over to his desk, took out a sheet of paper, and in a combination pictorial-numerical code he'd developed when he was eleven and told no one, started to write down every single name he could remember, including eight hundred and fifty people he'd killed already.
When he ran out of paper, he rested his chin on one hand and thought about how best to use this new set of circumstances.
The day Yagami Light woke up a girl was also the day L realised he was going to die. It was not, to be exact, that he thought he was going to die on the day, but more that he finally accepted he was woefully out of the loop where Kira's machinations were concerned and was irritated he was very likely going to die in ignorance.
He mournfully rearranged his newest sweet thing around his plate, feeling slightly depressed that his last meal was going to be chocolate and there was nothing he could do about that without alerting Light that there was something wrong.
At nine o'clock, Light walked in and L realised Light had bigger things to worry about than the fact his greatest enemy would like to request a four-course meal without a hint of sugar in it.
"Nice breasts, Yagami-kun," he said.
At that point Yagami Soichiro hit the floor and Light gave him a scathing look that wasn't anywhere near as effective as it normally was. Matsuda turned a shade of red usually found naturally only in tomatoes, whereas Aizawa sputtered uselessly. Mogi, being given to neither the verbal nor physical expressions of astonishment, merely blinked once and returned his attention to the files in front of him.
L thought that Light's typical clothing flattered his new female body worryingly well. Because he was not a man to lie to himself, he acknowledged that there was no acceptable reason he should care that Light was not wearing a bra and that his breasts really were quite nice. Because he was also not a man to deny himself, he took good note of both facts every time Light's attention was otherwise occupied.
When an hour had passed and Light apparently decided even the most dutiful son – daughter – had limits, L coaxed him into a spirited debate over the medical likelihood of spontaneous gender realignment.
Matsuda had always thought geniuses – genii? – inhabited a different world to normal people and was delighted to have been proven right about something for once in his life.
Rem decided humans were even weirder than she'd thought.
With a natural elegance that had not abandoned him with his penis, Light sipped his tea and ignored L's surreptitious glancing out of the corner of his eye. With a nostalgic pang quite unlike him, Light realised he was probably going to miss L when he died.
He filched one of L's artfully arranged little chocolate bites, and when L would have protested, made the best use of his sweet and deadly feminine smile.
He wondered – vaguely and without any real sense of curiosity beyond the scientific – what it would be like to have sex in his new body and if the experience differed very greatly. Being almost entirely without sexual drive, this too was a curious sentiment and quite unlike him.
He looked it over with interest and then ignored it in favour of considering whether or not Misa would remain crazily in love with him now that he was female. He then went on to judge the consequences of a 'no' as whether or not Rem would still kill L for him. Concluding that his best chance was to avoid Misa entirely for the time being so that she could give Rem no indication one way or the other as to altered feelings, and also to keep L so thoroughly preoccupied as to forget about any potential moves until the status quo was restored, Light went back to considering how his new body would deal with sex.
He then joined the two thoughts – keeping L preoccupied and indulging his curiosity as to sex from the female perspective – and almost choked on his tea. He gave L a single methodical glance over and decided that it was hardly the worst or most humiliating thing he'd ever done in the name of Kira.
He looked at his body. He put his extensive knowledge of flirting to use gauging L's level of interest. He gave himself an encouraging mental thumb up to which his sense of godhood responded with bemused horror and abandoned him.
He met L's eyes squarely over the rim of his cup and wondered if L's ability to tie knots in a cherry stem with his tongue translated into an ability to use his tongue well in other situations. At the very least, he decided, it indicated that L could reasonably be expected to be easily taught.
The entire task force was uncomfortably aware of the new undercurrents in the way L and Light looked at each other now that one of them was female. Mogi secretly thought that the undercurrents had quite possibly always been there and were merely made obvious by Light's alteration in gender. He decided against saying it because Soichiro was beginning to recover and the last thing Mogi wanted was to provoke Matsuda into blurting the obvious question.
Negative: Let's discuss this sensibly now; this is no time to do anything rash.
Positive: L will be distracted.
Negative: L might be distracted. What have we learned about taking L's responses for granted?
Positive: Insatiable curiosity is satisfied.
Negative: You have heard that saying about the cat, haven't you?
Positive: Satisfaction brought it back.
Negative: It died!
Positive: Do you think he can kill someone he's had sex with?
Negative: Why not? We could.
Positive: We lose nothing-
Negative: Except our dignity.
Positive: And potentially gain everything. Think about it. The trust necessary—
Negative: You mean the lust.
Positive: I think we have that in hand. Think about how much easier it will be to gain information or compromise his judgment.
Negative: We're talking about L. That was what the whole 'friends' thing was for and look how that's turned out.
Positive: We're here, aren't we?
Negative: Yes, we're here. At a point where all he has to do is prove the thirteen-day rule wrong and he has us.
Positive: Not really, no. He has Misa. At which point Rem kills him. Fortunately, since he'll be too distracted to think about anything until we're back to normal, we can keep the intelligent conversation for a while longer before we're forced to live with Misa. Chill.
Negative: Chill? You're talking about sex and L as if they're perfectly viable options! Come on – look at him! This goes way beyond pity fuck!
Positive: Now you're just being narrow-minded. Social skills can be taught, you know.
Negative: Are you serious?
Positive: Do you doubt our abilities?
Negative: We have our dignity!
Positive: I think we lost that with all the maniacal laughing.
Negative: L is for killing, not for fucking. This is a basic tenet underlying our continued survival.
Positive: You've considered this before?
Positive: Think of the agony, the horror, the despair, to die with the realisation that your lover killed you. Think how poetic would be, to have him die with his heart breaking both literally and figuratively.
Negative: … that's… that's almost worth it.
Positive: You have considered this!
Positive: We've always been more interested in the mind than the body anyway.
Negative: When we're back to normal and he's dead, we do not mention this. Ever.
Positive: But what if—
For someone who had been a girl for an approximate total of nine hours, L thought Light had got the hang of the Mona Lisa smile rather quickly. He also thought it was a marked improvement over his typical smirk and therefore smiled back and wondered if Light knew that new stretch and hang of his casual clothing turned it into something not quite so casual. It was also a matter of some curiosity to him how Light's legs managed the optical illusion of looking longer, despite the intellectual understanding that (s)he was no taller than yesterday.
He tried to remember that there was a case to complete, regardless of the fact that one of the task force had spontaneously turned into a woman – and then he lost his train of thought, distracted by the relief that if anyone had to turn into a woman at least it was Light, because the thought of it being Soichiro was quite horrific. After that he could no longer think at all, trying to remove by any means necessary the image that thought conjured up.
Beside him, Light asked curiously if they were working today and could L please pass the sugar.
L obliged with the sugar passing but felt honour bound to point out that it seemed highly unlikely that any useful work would be done and that five percent was being added to Light-kun's Kira score for derailing the investigation.
Soichiro yelled that of course his son couldn't be held responsible for switching sex in the middle of the night and so quite obviously couldn't be Kira. Light nodded his – her – serene agreement.
In the complete silence that followed, the room's inhabitants pondered the potential psychological ramifications implicit in such a statement.
Most of the room, anyway. Light watched L as (s)he collected the teacups, and L watched Light and observed that her body moved in a very different way to how it had moved the day before.
He wondered if standing in the rain would have the same effect as a cold shower.
Aizawa was not blind – much as he wished he were, being forced for the first time to confront the idea that L might possibly be a sexual being – and noted the decidedly non-platonic way L was eyeing Light's backside. Unfortunately, Matsuda managed to notice as well, and asked the obvious question: "Does that make them gay?"
The vague idea that work might be possible, even under the circumstances, was unceremoniously destroyed when Soichiro simulated with terrible precision the exact attributes of a heart attack.
By twelve o'clock Light had decided that one, he was going to start using female pronouns, and two, she could almost certainly leave the main investigation room without L attempting anything deadly behind her back and proceeded to do so. It did not escape her notice that L's eyes followed her as she went. Granted, L's eyes had always followed him, but she thought – with some degree of confidence – that L had normally kept his gaze a little higher.
She decided she was – pleased was perhaps not quite the best word – by this turn of events, even as what was left of her masculinity shrieked aloud in despair.
With some asperity she told her masculinity to shut up and get with the program.
"Do we use male pronouns or female now when we talk about Light?" Aizawa wondered. "It would be a bit odd, wouldn't it, to use him and his and he when—well, she's not, is she? Biologically, I mean," he added when Soichiro looked ready to strangle him.
"He's right," Mogi said, with simple practicality. "And do we say 'Light-chan' now?"
"I think Light makes a very pretty girl," Matsuda said earnestly, as if this made up for that fact that he was a girl at all.
Soichiro decided there was only one way to deal with all the madness. He clapped his hands to ears and sang at the top of his lungs, "La la la, I can't hear you!"
Having liberally interpreted a yell from Misa to 'get out while Misa-Misa is showering, nasty pervert!' to mean he could leave entirely, Ryuk sought entertainment. Light. Entertainment. They were pretty synonymous, he figured.
Being familiar with Light's habits (meaning that even when separated he'd watched Light zealously), he'd assumed that finding L would be the same as finding Light, and finding L was finding the investigation team. Light had for once altered his clockwork routine and wasn't there.
Ryuk wanted apples. He'd talked to Rem, however, and been informed that if he wanted apples he should have stayed with Misa. He'd asked her where Light was, but then she'd started laughing so loudly the investigation team had managed to notice, so he'd flown off in a huff.
"Damn L," he muttered, taking a break from floating through floors and walls yelling 'Light!' at the top of his lungs. "Damn Light, damn building, damn floors, damn cameras-"
"Shh," hissed a voice he wasn't sure he knew. It sounded like Light, only a little higher, a little softer, a little less 'I am God and everyone else just doesn't know it yet.'
"Light?" Ryuk said curiously. He spun round, forgot for a moment how to fly and dropped halfway through the floor in shock. "Whoa."
Ryuk's smile became painful in its broadness. He decided that this was the best thing he'd ever seen since arriving in the human world – better than wrestling, better than Mario, better even than 'Christmas' and the presents he could weasel out of Light. "Nice," he said.
Light walked past him, and Ryuk fell in behind her out of habit, giggling manically.
"Ryuk, do you have any idea why I would wake up a girl?"
"Maybe? Aw, c'mon Light, don't look at me like that! You know it scares me!"
"Is it permanent?"
"Are you female all over?"
"...What sort of question is that?"
"Hey, cut me some slack. Human bodies are weird. I mean, take those, what's the point of them– uh –"
"Ryuk. Let go of my breasts."
"Well, there's little point going through all that effort to get the details right if it's not going to stay that way."
"Right. Now, who would do this and why?"
"Hey, it's been great seeing you, but y'know, I think I left the oven on, Misa might be burning to death as we speak..."
"Ryuk! Get back here!"
"Have fun, Light!"
"Ryuk! ... Well, fuck."
Negative voice pointed out that yes, that had been the bright idea they'd decided upon. Any chance of a change of heart?
L had wanted to say something highly symbolic about bells but that was before Light switched genders on him, and while he managed to keep his eyes on Light's face, he kept his mouth resolutely shut for fear he would only be able to say 'guh' or possibly, 'Light-ku – chan, is aware is she not that her new pair of breasts are being artfully flattered by clinging wet fabric and is she doing this on purpose because if she is she'd better be prepared to deliver.'
When he didn't say anything, Light turned around and walked out of the rain. L tried to figure out the percentage that her swaying hips were the result of a widened pelvis and lower centre of gravity versus the percentage that Light wanted to send all the blood powering his considerable brain to a less useful place entirely.
In the end he forgot about the problem and followed with almost unseemly haste.
"Do you think we need to change Light's name as well?"
"Light's… pretty masculine for a girl, isn't it?"
Matsuda pointed out that English was atypical of the Germanic languages in having no gender and thus being by default neutral. Far better, he argued, that Light's name be changed to something a tad more normal and less unnecessarily symbolic.
Soichiro demurred, placed the blame for Light's naming solely at the feet of Sachiko and nonchalantly strolled away from the topic to argue that of course his boy was not going to remain a girl and the first person to say so was going to be fired.
L's phone rang, and while he accepted it was probably important and could quite possibly save his life, he rather thought that Light was a bit too busy to kill him at that moment anyway and it was very unlikely that any option the phone gave him was going to be anywhere near as pleasant as the one he was currently indulging.
"Ryuk, you've been around humans longer, is this normal?"
"Dunno. Light's kinda special."
"I know you think so, but—"
"Okay, okay! I - er - mighthavepissedoffsomeonebig. But hey, isn't it great?"
"…Do you think," Rem said wistfully, "Misa will mind if I kill him now that he's a she?"
"Oi. Light's my human. And yes, Amane'll mind, because let's face it, Rem, she's nowhere near smart enough to survive on her own."
Rem said nothing, but with Rem the silence managed to have a vague undertone of 'damn'.
"Would somebody please remind them that there is actually a very serious murder investigation going on," Soichiro said a week later, turning off the security cameras when he could no longer stand to watch L pinning Light to a wall and making the best use such a position offered him.
The task force exchanged uneasy looks.
"Fine," Soichiro snapped. "At least tell L that I expect to be hearing wedding bells. I have no intention of ever being forced to tell Sachiko our only son has become a single mother."
The task force had become very prone to hacking coughs lately.
Somewhere in the halls of the task force building, Light had almost forgotten about taking over the world and L was much happier to keep it that way instead of dying.