She's dead. And yet she's is standing right in front of me.
I have always lived by what I can sense, and I can sense her. I can see her standing there only a few feet away. I can smell her weak strawberry shampoo and the smell of her herbal tea skin is so strong I can I tast it. I can hear her quick breath and I can feel the heat her body is producing.
And yet I know she is dead. I can feel her cold body against my hand. I can remember how warm her blood felt. I can remember the salt tast of tears and the tast of iron. Blood. Hers, mine, Robin's. I can still hear Starfire's scream in my sensitive ears. I can smell burnt skin.
I have always lived by my senses, my emotions and to everyones disbelief, my mind. And everything I know and feel is telling me she is dead. Yet she is standing on front of me. On the other side of her dead body.
She lookes down at the body with a confused look on her face, and I know the Raven standing there isn't my Raven. MY Raven is never confused, or she would never let anyone see that she was confused. Least of all me.
She looks at me. Sad, no. The same look she had after the first beast insedent.
"It's not your fault."
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't."
Her voice and face hardent. She lookes down at her dead body again. Her face softens.
"I had a good run."
"And considering I was destined to die when I was sixteen, three more years were a gift."
I snort. I can't help it. My eyes haze over, but she is still clear. She is the only clear thing in the world.
"It's not fair."
"And who said life was fair."
"You're a superhero."
"I was a halfbreed demon Beast Boy."
I feel cold. I hate it when she talk like that. Like she's a monster. In this room, there is only one beast, and it isn't her.
"That's nice of you."
Suprised, and yet... No one can read me like her, and no one has overlooked, ignored or misread me like her. I bend down and kiss the dead, grey hand. It's cold. The warmth of the blood is gone.
"I'm dead Beast Boy."
"So stop clinging to me."
How can she be so cold? How can se expect me to be so cold. She was my friend. My teammate. I love her. Even if she had just been my friend I would have loved her, like I love the entier team. But Raven... I love you more than anything else. I love you more than the videogames and the team as a whole. I love you more than tofu.
"Don't become too emotional Beast Boy."
"You're dead Rae. When should I become emotional?"
"Don't fool yourself. You're always emotional."
She looked over his shoulder.
"That is your prerogative."
"Your right. You get to feel when you want to feel. What you feel. Completely, fully and wholeheartedly. And you are so loved. Your parents, your guardians, your friends."
Parents? She met my parents?
"Your mother sends her love. Your father says he's proud of you. That you can be proud of yourself."
"I let you die."
She rolled her eyes and looked down at the corps again. For a brife moment I feel like I'm fourteen begging for her approval. Doing what I can to get her attention. In the animal kingdom when a male wants a female's attention he shows off his bright colours. His fighting abilities. His home-making skills. She has always exceded me. I can't compare to her, and she knows it. That's way she always ignores me.
"You didn't let me die Beast Boy. I died because I wasn't strong enough. Because I messed up."
"I mess up all the time Rae, I never died because of it. You always had my back."
She looked at me again with her deadpan face.
"We were a team Beast Boy. You, Robin, Starfire, Cyborg and me."
"And that is why I should have had your back."
"And would it have been better if you had died instead of me?"
I grin. It would only be better, because then I wouldn't be the one holding the ice cold hand. I wouldn't be the one having to deal with the grief.
"I don't want to lose another person I love."
"And you think the people who love you wants to lose you?"
"I don't think you would have complained."
It was ment as a joke. I didn't... I always do that. I push and push, and end up pushing her away. She turnes around to hide her tears.
"As I said. I'm a halfbreed demon. Don't worry about my emotions."
"I can't help worrying about what you feel."
I want to reach out and touch her, but I fear that if I do the illusion will be broken.
"I love you."
"I know you do."
She didn't understand. I'm not sure I understand.
"I love you, not as a teammate, well as a teammate, but more. I'm mean we're friends, but I don't love you like that. I mean I love you as a friend, but..."
She turnes around and look at me. She waits. She always waits. She complain, argue and get angry with me when I take too long but she always waits.
"I love you more than..."
"More than tofu?"
I took too long. I lost her. She's died. Wait was that a joke? Did Raven just make a joke?
"I told you not to be too emotional."
She doesn't get it.
"I get it. I'm dead, not stupid."
"I never claimed you were."
Her smile vanishes.
"People die Beast Boy that's..."
"I know people die Raven. Don't talk about death when you haven't lost anyone."
"I'm sorry. You're right."
It felt weird. Hearing her say I was right. I look up half expecting pigs to fly over my head.
"There is one thing I'm mad about."
I look at her. She looks so much like herself. She's grown so much since the first time I saw her, and yet my feelings for her as so much stronger. She was the first person who laughed at my jokes. The first person who saw the difference between Garfield and Beast Boy, thou she probably never knew it.
"I wish it hadn't been Control freak. This is going to go to his head."
"It's not like he planned on attacking us when Angel and XL Terrestrial attacked."
"Of course not, but do you think he will see it that way?"
No. He would think he was the one who caused the death of a titan. He would brag about it to everyone who wouldn't listen.
"No, actually there are two things I'm mad about."
"What's the second thing?"
"That I didn't get to say I love you."
She's joking. I open my mouth to laugh, but nothing comes out. Her eyes. Her wonderful violet eyes. She has to be joking. The world can't be that cruel.
"Love me how?"
"What do you think Beast Boy?"
She's not joking. But no suprise there. I've seen enough to now that the world can be that cruel.
"I love you too."
"No, I don't think you do. I LOV..."
Her voice was so calm. Of course she knew. She was an empath.
I closed my eyes. I had to blink, my eyes were getting dry. And then she was gone. Raven was nothing more than the cold hand in my warm. The foul stink of death that makes me want to puke. I kiss her hand. She even tasts like death.
I open my eyes and sit up. My face bathed in perspiration. I annoyingly look at my statues on the floor before flying them to the trash bin. The dream had seemed so real. I really felt like I was inside Beast Boy. Feeling his feelings, emotions, his senses. I was surprised that his perception of the world was based so much on his senses. It shouldn't be that surprising, yet it is. I get up, wash, get dressed. The things I do every morning, but my mind is still on the dream. Why? Why now? Why him?
"Ouch Rae, look where you're going."
"Sorry Beast Boy."
Beast Boy was standing in the middle of a pile of clothes that semmed they spent the last year in the garbage.
"I'm just doing a bit of cleaning."
He grinned and my heart stopped beating. A t-shirt, I guess you could call it that, flew up and to hide the fact that it was involuntary and thereby getting him on my back, I grabbed it and handed it to him.
"Why don't you just throw them out and buy new ones? I don't think you can save them."
He laughs. I was serious, but I don't have the concentration to explain it to him. I still have to figure out why my dream has gotten to me the way that it has. The alarm starts blinking and I pick up the communicator. Beast Boy lookes over my shoulder, and if it had been any other time or any other dream I would have told him to back off. Robin lookes back at us.
"Angel and XL Terrestrial. Beast Boy, the common room. Back up Starfire. Rae, I need you to help Cy and me on the roof."
I turn pale.
"Are you okay?"
Of course Robin would notice when I go from grey to pale.
"I'm fine. Be right up."
I close the communicator, before turning to Beast Boy. It wasn't a dream. That was why it affected me the way it did. It was a vision. I'm going to die. I'm never going to see him again. Before I'm sure of what I'm doing I kiss him. Pressing my lips firmly against his. He dropps the clothes his carrying, first of astonishment, then to hold me firmly in place. I let go, knowing I have tears in my eyes and to something I would never have done if it hadn't been for that dream.
"I love you."
I will not die not having said that.
"I love you too."
I kiss him quickly again, not caring his clothes now are flying around us.
"Now go help Starfire."
A joke. I smile, hit him gently on the arm, before teleporting to the roof.