Protest--Pheonix Wright parody.

A/N: Some ending OOC on Kanda's part, and fairly OOC Allen throughout, but I don't think you'll mind once you see it. (Technically all Yullen fics are OOC, considering it isn't canon...yet...)

Also, everything law-related I know comes from things I've heard about Pheonix Wright. And that "You can't handle the truth!" line. Jack Nicholson shits awesome. :D

Disclaimer: What do you mean? I totally own -Man. (Gets her ass sued). -Man? What is -Man? The only 'man' I see is ten years old and screams like a Mean Girl.


Allen straightened his tie and looked to his client uneasily. Lavi leaned back in his seat, much farther than one would've thought possible and not fall, and was....asleep.

Apparently being on trial for murder wasn't such a big deal to him.

Allen sighed, and continued to fiddle with his tie. It was so hot in here, but Allen was used to it, always having to wear gloves and long sleeves due to his--condition. Allen toyed with the edge of his suit-sleeve and allowed himself a moment of cliché remembrance. He'd been ten when he'd fallen ill with meningitis, and really, he was lucky he still had his arm. If Mana had rushed him over only ten minutes later, Allen could very well be in a grave six feet under right now.

Which is exactly where Lavi was going to end up if he didn't win this case.

Allen was now 24 years old and fresh out of Law School. He'd managed to get out early thanks to his high IQ and love of learning the system of Law, but passing the bar hadn't been easy, and this was Allen's first case. Of course, his first case had to be a murder trial. He sighed softly and did his best not to sink into his seat. The evidence was piled so high against Lavi it would be a hard case to get out of, even if he weren't the Prosecutor. Allen's eyebrows furrowed together for a moment at the thought of his nemesis/friend?/long-term-crush/whatever, but willed it away and thought of puppies to bring back his customary smile. Just smile Allen, he told himself. And you can get away with nearly everything.

Allen had already made a point to be extra polite to the judge that day, complimenting the way the white collar brought out the rosy complexion in her cheeks, and of course by making sure to bring across his love of cats and all things small and furry. He'd seen the hearts in her eyes even with his back turned and inwardly snickered for all his cleverness. Allen was by no means a cheater--he merely played by his own set of rules. Which sometimes happened to be as others may say 'underhanded' or 'below the belt' or 'fucking messed up'.

Allen ignored the voice that had uttered the last one and tapped his fingers on the oak desk. He was impatient to get started--he wanted this over and done with now. He had a date after the case and he was already getting hungry. He let out a short sigh of frustration, which appeared strange given the beautiful smile he was carrying, and felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Hey man, don't sweat it!" Lavi winked and Allen resisted the urge to wrinkle his brow with awkwardness. After all these years, Lavi still didn't realize that a one-eyed man winking really just looked....queer. "I totally trust you!" he smiled happily and leaned back further in his seat, causing it to creak and groan. Allen's chest rose as if expecting the impact of a very nasty fall when he was interrupted again.

Loud whispers from all around the courtroom began buzzing, and Allen knew his counterpart had arrived. He stood up congenially, once more straightening his tie and putting a smile on diligently. He turned around and looked at the entryway, taking notice of the tall, stoic Japanese lawyer that had grown so famous in only three years of practice.

Despite all odds he'd managed to blow his first case wide open and create so much publicity he had the media eating out of his hands. Never had Allen seen so many people cry at the stand, and this man had made quite an impression with the rest of the world as well. He was a bone-crunching, heart-breaking fiend who placed anyone he didn't like behind bars, and so long as there was a gum wrapper of evidence at his disposal, he could do it. Allen reached out his hand and smiled.

"Hello Kanda. I'm looking forward to this." The man named Kanda looked down at the hand with less-than-hidden disgust, then turned away promptly. Allen's smile faltered and he gaped wide-eyed at his antagonist.

Kanda smirked. "That's just a taste of the humiliation you'll receive today."

Allen's face grew red from anger and embarrassment, fighting the urge to slam Kanda down on the table and make out with him at that moment.

He sometimes wondered if he was a freak.

Allen clenched his fist and took his seat slowly. He saw Lavi looking at him contemplatively under the scrutiny of that one wicked green eye and almost drew back when he leaned forward and whispered something into his ear.

"You wanna bang him don't you?"

Lavi drew back when he heard Allen's teeth grinding harder than an 18-year-old blender. Allen quickly brought himself under control again and looked to the judge. She smiled coyly at him and he smiled back charmingly.

Half-way there. he thought to himself and looked over to Kanda. Kanda leaned back into his seat most uncharacteristically, sitting diagonally facing Allen, legs spread open, cheek on his fist and back curled against the right side of the chair. Allen crossed his own legs and gave him a haughty smirk, something only given to a select few in existence. Kanda raised his eyebrow, bore his blue-eyed gaze into Allen's skull, and scoffed on cue. He straightened his back and sat forward.

Time to get to business.

"All in the court please rise." stated the judge with a stern voice and a harsh clap of her gavel. All rose and Allen ignored the desire to once again fiddle with his tie. He needed to focus on the trial, not the fact that Kanda looked very nice in his three pieced suit and was wearing pants so tight if his jacket were only a few inches higher he could probably see a very nice ass to accompany it all.

"This is the trial of Bookman v. Massachusetts, 'The Grisham Murder'. The murder itself is of Chemical Engineer Johnny Gil, employee of Dark Order Chemical industry under the supervision of Komui Lee, found in the workplace library murdered by being crushed to death by a pile of old Grisham novels. Mr Lavi Bookman was the librarian on shift and the only one aside from two others in the workplace from the hours of ten to three in the morning, which has been determined the murder has taken place." The judge turned seriously to the young red-head and asked somberly. "Mr Bookman, which do you plead?"

"Nooooot guilty y'Honor!" he smiled, taking his feet off the table at her raised eyebrow. He smiled sheepishly and held up his hands. "I didn't even know the guy."

"And yet there seems to be an earlier text message sent to the victim threatening him to--" there was a pause and shuffling of paper as a quote was being read. " 'stop putting cameras in my bathroom or I'll kill you using a mystery novel so convoluted no one will ever find the evidence.'" Kanda looked up from the paper and glared dubiously at Allen's defendant. Lavi laughed softly and shrugged his shoulders.

"What can I say? I like my privacy to be respected."

"Objection!" Allen stood and pointed to Kanda. "That outspoken remark has yet to be acknowledged!" Allen stared at Kanda, infuriated that he'd jumped the gun so quickly.

"This court asks the Prosecution to hold their comments until the correct time arises and also asks Mr Allen Walker to keep his client under control and silent." the judge seemed to have forgotten all familiarity with Allen in such a short amount of time, and he sighed.

For all his work--nothing.

Kanda smirked at Allen's indrawn expression and Allen fumed, longing for a large ring and a pair of boxing gloves.

"Now, starting with the Prosecution: do you have any questions for the defendant?" the judged asked calmly.

Kanda nodded once and stood, waiting for Lavi to take the stand. Allen leaned over to Lavi and whispered discreetly, "Now you remember everything right?"

Lavi smiled. '' 'Course man! I got this down!" Lavi entered the secluded box with smiles and confidence, leaning back again, relaxed as a sea lion.

"Mr Bookman, what were you doing the night of the murder?" Kanda asked coldly.

"I was in the library shelving the 415's, the math section."

"What was your time of completion?"

"Uh...I don't think I finished." Lavi scratched his head and gave a lax smile. "I fell asleep between 1-1:30 in the morning."

"Mr. Bookman, did you personally know the victim?"

"Uh, what's your definition of personal?" Lavi asked, scratching his head again.

Kanda sighed, "Through direct contact; in person; directly. It's an adjective and part of the English language." he retorted impatiently.

"Objection! Contempt of client!"

"Waved--this is relevant Mr. Walker." Allen sighed and shrunk back into his seat. Kanda smirked and Allen licked his lips unconsciously.

Lavi looked to the ceiling and frowned. "Well I wasn't by any means friends with the guy. I'd seen him around and stuff, but only knew him because of the--well--you know."

"Know what Mr Bookman."

"Well, he was....watching the showers." Lavi made a juvenile face and stuck out his tongue. "Gross, man. That wasn't classy."

"And so it was you that threatened to kill Mr Gil under pain of mystery novels?" Kanda asked. Lavi looked to Allen, who was too busy glaring at Kanda to give his client any help.

"Well, technically yes."

"It's a well-known fact that most threats concerning technological methods are not often carried out and even considered weight-less." Allen made his fact known to the judge, who frowned.

"Please remain silent and seated until your questioning begins Mr. Walker, or I will hold you in contempt of court." Allen pouted and sat down again, slowly. He didn't miss the soft 'che' coming from his adversary.

"You made this threat. Did you mean it Mr Bookman?"

"Well, no, not really."

"I want a straight answer Mr Bookman."

"No, I didn't mean it."

"Then why would you send it to him?"

"I was angry."

"How angry? Are you sure you weren't so angry about being Peeping-Tomed you did want to kill him with a strange--though technically possible--method?"

"Objection! Prosecution is leading the witness on!"

"Waved." the judge said, not even looking at Allen. Allen fumed while Kanda continued.

"I'm not a murderer!" Lavi said, standing up with fire in his eyes. "Yes I was angry and upset, so I sent the message, but it wasn't meant to be carried through! It was a horrible thing that happened to Johnny, but I didn't do it!"

"But you were in the library from the hours of 10 at night to 3 in the morning?"

"Yes, but--"

"And your only alibi is that you claimed to be sleeping?"

"Yes but--"

"And you did have malevolent feelings toward Mr Gil for his inexcusable perverted tendencies?"


"Answer the question truthfully Mr Bookman, or you will be accused of perjury as well."

"....yes." Lavi bit out, face no longer smiling and eyes far from their normal laughing state. Allen felt his heart jerk slightly as he watched his client get buried under true-yet-not-true accusations.

"The Prosecution rests, your Honor." Kanda turned on his heel and walked back to his chair, mouth straight and eyes smirking all the while. Lavi was led back to his own seat by the intimidating bailiff.

"Sorry Allen." Lavi said softly, hiding his hands in his pockets.

"Me too Lavi." he said sympathetically, touching his shoulder comfortingly.

"Does the Defendant have any witnesses to call?" the judge asked.

"Yes." Allen stood confidently and read aloud the name on his paper.

"Mr Komui Lee." Long strides came from the back of the room and settled into the witness stand. He was sworn in promptly and Allen began his questioning.

"Mr Lee, how long was Mr Gil under your employment?"

"For about five years." he answered, shoving his glasses up his nose, making his eyes impossible to view.

"Was he a good worker?"

"Well I never fired him did I?" he man smiled, but it faltered under Allen's gaze. "...Yes, he was a good worker."

"However there was a bit of a scandal was there not?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Allen walked round the court a bit, trying to get his blood flowing and his brain working. "Johnny Gil has been accused of perverted voyeurism of my client. However, it is also known that Johnny is--" Allen stopped, looking up for his moment of tactlessness. "--was, bisexual. Claims have been made that Mr Gil was advancing on one other--a Miss Linali Lee, your own sister."

"Leavemysisteroutofthis! Linali is a beautiful kind girl that should never be looked at by the dirty eyes of man!" the man cried out suddenly. Allen backed up in surprise and the bailiff restrained Mr Lee. Tears fell passionately from the face of the Executive and Allen paused before continuing. He'd known about the sister complex, but...blimey.

"Um, yes..." Allen cleared his throat and continued. It seemed things were finally going his way. "Did you know about this?"

"...Yes." Komui answered, serious now after his fit had passed.

"How long had you known about this?"

"Only the night before he died." he said quietly.

"How did you learn of it?"

"My...mybeautifullovelykindadorabletreasuredhumblebenevolentbabysister...she was him. And was forced to comply with his......" Komui couldn't finish. Allen stepped forward and looked at him kindly in the eyes.

"Please sir, if you would continue."

Komui swallowed. "She was forced to take pictures...of herself...for him." his lip trembled and Allen felt horrible about the whole thing. Justice was a double sided blade. "I found her held the pictures and the threats."

"This cell phone is evidence A." Allen said. "It indeed holds...compromising pictures of said young lady, and must be used as evidence to help clear the name of my client." the cell phone was passed from the bailiff to the judge, who looked at the accompanying pictures with horror and distaste.

"Mr Lee, where were you at the time of the murder?"

"I was in my office, doing my work....diligently..." it seemed he needed to add. "I didn't even hear anything. My office is on the other side of the building, and the security cameras certainly would have caught me. I didn't do it."

"Yes Mr Lee, I am aware of that."

Kanda's eyes lifted up for a moment, surprised that Allen really wasn't accusing Mr Lee of the murder.

Komui's own eyes lifted and he looked very confused, yet understandably relieved.

"That is all, Mr Lee, thank you for your time." Allen turned to the judge. "The defense would like to call a second witness."

"Very well." the judge nodded.

"Miss Linali Lee."

Komui halted in moving and stared out at the crowd with horror. "She didn't do it! Not my dear perfect sister! She should be kept out of this! She's traumatized enough!" Komui tried to leap out from the stand and attack Allen as a voice stopped him.

"Brother please." a beautiful young lady with black hair and black eyes stood, intently gazing at her only sibling. "It's fine."

She walked to the stand with grace and elegance, and everyone in the courtroom had shifted their gaze to follow after her. She had an indescribable beauty that leaked from her, and it was almost like the essence of a drug's effects. Everyone wanted more.

"Miss Lee." Allen said, nearly faltering. She looked so nice, there was no way she could be--

"Yes." she smiled, looking at him kindly, as if understanding the pain Allen was going through right now.

"You were the last person there on the night of Mr Gil's murder."

"...Yes, I was." Linali sat straight and confident. The only thing that gave away her fear was her heaving chest, panting away at a rapid speed.

"Miss Lee, what were you doing the night of the murder?"

"I was preparing my brother's documents for the following day." she covered a smile and looked to her brother affectionately. "He never gets his work done without a little help."

"Is there anything else you were doing that night?"

"Well, I was making coffee for my brother, and..." she looked down to her hands regretfully. "One for Mr Bookman."

Allen looked back to Lavi, who was gazing intently on the witness, biting his lip and sitting as straight as she was. It almost felt as though he were...empathizing with her. It made Allen a tad curious.

"And so you were freely moving about the work place?"


"Did you enter the library that night?"

Linali's eyes began to shine. She swallowed and took in a deep breath. "I did."

"At what time?"

"12:30 in the morning. To give La--Mr Bookman his coffee."

"For a small change of subject: Mr Lee has stated that you were being threatened by Mr Gil. With what was he threatening you?"

"It was...blackmail." she replied, hesitantly, yet firmly.

"Miss Lee...what was this--"

"Objection, the defense has gone off the case." Kanda stood, eyes furrowed and frown in place. Allen glared back, but Kanda was looking firmly at the judge.

"Acknowledged. Mr Walker, please keep your questions relevant." Allen stared wide-eyed from the judge to Kanda, not knowing what had just taken place. He stuttered, backing up a few steps, and wondering where he'd gone wrong. Out of ideas, he decided to rest.

"The defense...rests, your Honor." he stated with an underlining of anger in his tone. He stared daggers at Kanda, who strategically ignored him.

The judge nodded. "This court will take a short recess." she snapped the gavel onto the stand and stood. The court was quiet and shuffled about, stretching their legs and whispering their theories. Allen walked over to Kanda's desk and plopped his hands down on the table.

"What is your deal?!" he asked, quietly and harshly. Kanda raised himself and his eyebrows and leaned forward, placing his mouth all too close to Allen's ear.

"Stupid Beansprout, you have a long way to go." Allen turned his head slightly and jumped back when Kanda's lips accidentally made contact with his cheek. Kanda frowned, then simpered.

"Court is back in session!" the judge smacked her gavel again, and Allen quickly took his seat. He bit his lip and touched his cheek. It had been an accident...right? "Prosecution takes the stand." she said and Kanda nodded.

"I would like to call to the stand Mr...Tap." Kanda shook his head at the absurdity, that the man had no last name and waited expectantly. A fat man with huge lips and a beanie covering his head made his way slowly and awkwardly to the stand. Allen wrinkled his brow in confusion--who was this man? Allen flashed through his papers and came across the employee division. This man appeared to be a night time deliverer to the Dark Order...then, had Allen missed something?!

"Mr...Tap." Kanda stated bluntly, the distaste obvious as the man hunkered down into his seat.

"Yeah?" he questioned.

"How often do you deliver to the Dark Order Headquarters?"

"Twice a week."

"Does the night of the murder fall onto one of those days?"


"I have no further questions your Honor." Kanda promptly sat back in his seat and stared at Allen. Allen stared back and Kanda sneered. He jutted his head in the direction of the witness and Allen fumbled as he stood, making his way forward.

"I-I have a question for the witness, if it--"

"Very well." the judge stated, hand resting on her cheek, bored, but if Allen looked closer, there seemed to be a bit of a smile--

"Idiot." he heard from behind, and quickly he turned to glare at Kanda--who seemed to be looking a good deal lower than Allen's face--before walking up to the stand, barely grasping the situation. Just what was going on here?

He cleared his throat and pretended to go about his notes calmly, but inside all was in a state of panic. He barely knew this witness--how was he supposed to ask questions he knew the answers to?

"So Mr...Tap. That is your name?"


"Your first name?"


"You don't have a last one?"

"Your Honor I ask what meaning this has towards the case?" Kanda droned from behind.

"Get to the point Mr Walker." she stated shortly.

He didn't have a point! He didn't know where to begin! He didn't know anything save the fact he was there the night of the murder delivering--!

"Mr Tap, what is it you deliver to the Dark Order?"

"Electronics mostly." he shrugged.

"Do you set up these electronics yourself?" Allen asked, somewhat more hesitant than a professional lawyer should be.

"Duh." he said, sticking his pinky in his ear. Allen bit his lip and looked down at his papers. Just maybe...he didn't need these.

"What was your relationship to Mr Gil?"

Tap appeared to stare at Allen--but given the low beanie, he wasn't entirely sure.

"I knew him."


"...Guess so."

"How personally?" Allen pressed.

"We knew each other awhile back." Tap answered vaguely.

"Mr Tap, please answer the question seriously. How did you know Mr Gil?"

"We went to school together."

"So you were friends?"

"I guess."

"Mr Tap!"

"Yes, we were friends." Tap hissed out the 's' at the end, and Allen grew excited to think of the connotation. Without real regard for the fact he was doing everything out of the book now, Allen took this chance to blurt out,

"Mr Tap, did you or did you not have an intimate relationship with the deceased Mr Gil?"

Tap stopped. Silence grew until a sharp voice came from overhead.

"Perjury is a high crime you know." the judge droned, tilting her head to the side.

" date."

Allen sighed, now things were going somewhere.

"You hook up these electronics to the Dark Order do you not?"

"Yeah." Tap scoffed, folding his arms across his huge chest.

"Do you have access to email?"

"That's illegal." Tap stated.

"Of course, but perhaps if you were in a relationship with Mr Gil, and you had certain doubts about his loyalty, then maybe you--"

"Objection your Honor, that is baseless conjecture." Kanda responded sharply. Allen faced the man angrily and Kanda scoffed, tilting his nose in the air.

"Acknowledged." came the dreaded words from the judge. Allen sighed and rubbed his temple. Time for a new strategy.

"For the time being the defense would like to call back Lavi Bookman to the witness stand."

"Granted." said the judge. Tap was released from the stand and Lavi hesitantly took a seat.

"What are you doing man?" he asked, knuckles white from stress.

"Just follow my lead." Allen said. He stroked his chin and bit his lip. Then, he began. "Mr Bookman, are you acquainted with Mr Tap?"

"Yeah, he comes in all the time to fix computers."

"Is there any other aspect to the relationship?"

Lavi scratched his head and shrugged. "I dunno, franquences I guess."

"Beg pardon?"

"You know, friends and acquaintances." Lavi responded, "We talked a lot while he would work on the computers." Lavi paused and smiled at Tap, then laughed a bit. "Well, I would talk."

"What, pray tell, did you speak of?" Allen was excited, he knew where this was going.

"Lots of things. Weather, history, politics, science..." Lavi blushed. "Oh." he said, stopping.

"What is it Mr Bookman?"

"Well...I might've told him about the Johnny incident."

"Go on." Allen nodded his approval.

"Well, I was real frustrated...I guess it slipped out." he blushed. "I told him about Johnny and the shower camera thing...I had no idea about Li--" he looked out in the crowd to a certain young lady and stopped. "I had no idea about Miss Lee."

"But you say Tap did know about your problem with Mr Gil."

"Yeah, I told him everything."

"And what did Mr Tap say?"

"He told me to take action. He said that Johnny was the persistent type until threatened, so I thought to text him to stop. Tap--" Lavi looked at the fat man, who was growing very uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his eye. "Said it would work first fire." Lavi's blank expression changed, slowly contorting into something Allen himself had never seen on the easy-going young man. He looked from Tap to Linali, anger and hurt spread all over his face.

"Thank you Mr Bookman. I would like to call Mr Tap to the stand again." Lavi was replaced by Tap, but Allen didn't miss the look Lavi and Linali gave each other.

"Mr Tap. Lavi has just stated you knew about Johnny's voyeurism." Tap opened his mouth but Allen didn't let him speak. "You have the ability to access the technological media in the Dark Order and you were, on the night of the murder, there to deliver something.

"You were enraged when you found out about Johnny's infidelity. You were even more enraged when you found the pictures of Miss Lee--You wanted revenge. You convinced Mr Bookman to send a threatening text message to Johnny the night of your delivery, thereby securing him as the murder. You may have even helped Mr Bookman to write it. You lured Mr Gil into the library, conveniently at the other side of the building to anyone else, like Mr Lee, so no noise would be heard, and Mr Bookman would most like never hear after his small visit with Miss Lee--"

Allen stopped, looking at the desperate faces of both Lavi and Linali.

"Of course, Miss Lee was by now long gone, and Mr Bookman...sheerly exhausted...from the time of night. Mr Bookman drank the coffee in the hopes of remaining awake, but you drugged the coffee Miss Lee gave him during your visit so he never heard the crash!" Allen saw Lavi deflate noticeably, and thought he even saw Kanda let out a small breath of relief. Or annoyance. "You were angry and got into a heated debate with Mr Gil. He admitted his crimes and you lost it." he pointed to Lavi. "Mr Bookman is a whole head smaller than you and several--begging your pardon-- times smaller in width. It would take a much stronger person to push an entire shelf! You left the scene--"

"Liar!" Tap shouted, almost threatening enough to stop Allen's explanation.

"--and allowed an innocent man to take your place as murderer!"

"How could it be me?! It was her! That little bitch could have easily slipped pills into the guy's coffee instead of me! She could have easily returned to the library! She was the one being made to take those photos on the cellphone! So I was cheated on! That's nothing compared to what he did to her! She has the motive--!"

"But does she have the strength to push over a 500 pound shelf?!"

"Leverage! It's called leverage!"

"Using what?! Another book?!" Allen shouted, growing heated from passion and his own embarrassment at almost pinning the murder on her himself.

"How should I know!?"

"Admit it Mr Tap! No fingerprints were found on the shelf and as a delivery man, you would be required to wear special gloves to deal with the electric wires! You killed Johnny Gil! "

"GODDAMMIT I DID IT! FINE! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" Tap attempted to hurl himself at Allen. He jumped from the stand and made a rush for the amateur lawyer. Allen gasped and backtracked, falling over in the process and prepared to be trampled and squashed by the huge mammoth of a man. Tap snarled in rage and the entire courtroom went to chaos. Women screamed and men ran, shoving themselves from the room. Reporters spoke quickly and flashes went off as Tap flew at Allen, ready to kill again.

Without warning, Tap fell to the ground, blubber flopping him around to turn on his back. He screamed out in pain and Allen winced at the loud cry. Allen felt a rush at his side and turned to the left. "Kanda!"

"Dumbass." he scoffed and pulled Allen back. Allen tried to get his grip as police officers and the bailiff came forward to restrain Tap. Tap put up as good of a fight as he could, but flopping on his back and kicking every so often wasn't enough to prevent the handcuffs and man-handling dealt out by the officers. Allen let out a deep breath and leaned back into the arms of Kanda.

"Holy smokes!" he whistled, trying to smile. "You're free Lavi." he looked to the right, but didn't see his client. "Lavi?"

"There, idiot." Kanda grumbled and Allen ignored the insult and looked back. Lavi was standing next to a frightened Linali, doing his best to comfort her. He saw the way he held her arm tenderly, and Allen mentally punched himself for not realizing earlier. With her crazy brother, that was what Johnny had been blackmailing the woman with. Allen sighed, she must love Lavi a whole lot, prepared to go to jail for him.

"You done sprout?" Kanda asked, annoyed.

"Y-you're one to talk. (And it's 'Allen')!" Allen said, getting up and brushing off his suit. "What was that...earlier?" Allen pouted and Kanda smirked.


"Don't 'tch' me!" Allen muttered harshly. He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, purely exhausted. His stomach growled obnoxiously and Kanda rolled his eyes. "I'm hungry."

"No duh, nitwit."

"Get me something to eat." Allen demanded.

"Get yourself something."

"We're going out tonight anyway. Let's just eat something now."

"You're paying." Kanda snorted.

Allen shook his head. "Nu-uh. If you insist of being on top then all bills go to you."

A police officer stopped in his report and stared at the two lawyers, doing a double take on confirming what he'd just heard.

"Dumbass, say it a little louder will you."

"You're the one that kissed me in the middle of the trial." Allen retorted, folding his arms across his chest.

"You're such a girl." Kanda sneered.

"You're such an ass." Allen retorted.

"Shut up. You couldn't even research your first case correctly." Allen opened his mouth to protest, but stopped.

"Thanks." Kanda looked at him with widened eyes, taking in the small blush and the shuffling feet. After a minute he looked away.

"Tch. Stupid."

All was quiet for a few minutes, until Allen's stomach made itself part of the conversation again. Kanda rolled his eyes and Allen blushed.

"I can't help it!"

"Moron." he began walking out of the courtroom, leaving Allen by himself.

"Hey! You can't just leave your date!"

"I can if he isn't stupid enough to follow." Allen ran after him and put his hands in his pockets, refusing to look at Kanda.

"So, where're we going?"


"What?! Come on! We go there every time! Their portions are so tiny!"

"Of course that would be the thing you'd complain about."

"Just because I'm not an anorexic girl like you! I happen to enjoy my food."

"What'd you call me?"

"You heard it missy."

The bantering and bickering continued out of the justice hall while the judge leaned back into her seat, running a hand through her hair and sighing dramatically.

"Well this certainly was entertaining." she smiled, though looking quite exhausted.

"Yes ma'am." agreed the bailiff.

"Never conspired with a lawyer before." she grinned wickedly, nodding in the direction of the exiting male with the long ponytail. She scoffed happily. "And so demanding! wanting to get on the case to help his little snookie-wookums."

The bailiff coughed. "Miss Anita, I don't think Mr Kanda would appreciate that."

"Oh posh." she waved it off and brought her feet to rest on her stand. "I can say what I please about my favorite nephew." She combed her fingers through her hair again and looked in the corner of the courtroom, where Linali was being led away by a handsome formerly-accused-with-murder young man into a dark closet. "What a scandal! To think my God-daughter was almost accused of murder by my nephew's boyfriend."

"Yes ma'am." the bailiff smiled.

"Ah, Mahoja," Anita smiled, eyes half-lidded. "I don't think I'll ever tire of this job."

Mahoja chucked and leaned against the judge's stand.

"Neither will I ma'am, neither will I."


Later that night:


"Quit using law-speech in bed! It's so...stupid."

"Whatever. But I get to be on top this time."

"No fucking way."

"Yes, or no fucking away. I paid the bill, I get to top."

"I don't think so sprout. There is no way you're sticking that up my ass."

"Oh that's right, because it takes a more self-confident man to be on bottom."

"What did you just say?"

"You heard me, tightass."

"You want self-confidence, I'll give you self-confidence."

"Just hand me the lube."

And that was the first (and last) time Allen ever paid for his meals.


A/N: I swear to God I have an actual fear of the neighbor's kitten D8

......Geh. I am so torn on this. Every time I think about it I hate it, but every time I read it I don't mind it, but, I feel like there isn't enough Yullen to make this a real Yullen fic, but it's...okay. I suck at mysteries, for real. And yeah, Anita likes cats and all things small and furry. She looks like she might own a cat.

I think Allen sounds a bit too much like Ed from FMA, and I blame that on reading too many of those fanfictions. Dammit, Allen sounds too whiny for me...but it's AU, so I'm giving myself the benefit.

I think if Allen ever did top, it would be kinda like this (and only once). I think it would freak out Allen almost as much as Kanda--I mean, imagine the pressure on trying to get Kanda to orgasm. Oo;

Anywho, let me know what you did and didn't like--I'll most likely change this after posting and I need all the help I can get for editing. S'later. Peace, love and yaoi be with ya. :)