Bella walked in to the room slamming the door in the process, ".. EDWARD!! I'm pregnant!!" she began to run around in circles, "Yay! Yay! Yay!"
Edward sat down on the floor, hugging his legs, "SHIT, SHIT, and SHIT! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE USED A CONDOM!"
Just then Alice skipped through the door with Jasper following close behind her, "omg, Bellaaah! I know where we can get the cutest baby wear, in really pretty colours!" Jasper sat down in front of her swinging a necklace with a large diamond on the end "you will do everything I say..."
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me..." Rosalie was singing again. "HELL YEAH!" Emmett answered.
"Aw aren't you so cute, I am going to call you Edward andandand I am going to love and..HEY HE KICKED ME, HE FRIGGIN' KICKED ME!" Bella said to her stomach.
Edward slide across the floor dramatically "NOOOO! BELLA THIS THING IS GOING TO KILL YOU! NOO! I AM GOING TO KILLL YOU I AM SO BAD FOR YOU!!" and crawled into the bathroom to try and drown himself.
"Um...Edward, I hate to inform you but we don't have to breathe" Jasper informed Edward.
"DAMN YOU, LOGICAL JASPER!"
Meanwhile Rosalie was hovering over Bella's stomach possessively, "my precious..."
Alice sighed exasperatedly, "Am I the only sane one in this family?" she then ran over to the window, "ooh, fluffy, wuffy, bunny!"
"I'm a fluffy, wuffy, bunny!" Jasper said and he and Alice disappeared into her Porsche.
Edward (who had calmed down by this point) rushed over to Bella and said in a patronising voice "don't worry sweetheart Carlisle will get my evil spawn of the devil out of you!"
Everyone looked at him as if he was mad.
Back at the house...
"Scalpel!" Carlisle said to Esme in his calm doctor-ly voice, "cloth, chainsaw. Its no good Edward nothing, nothing will break the skin."
Bella did a celebration dance "YES! I getta keep little Edward, I getta keep little Edward!"
Carlisle walked past cleaning a bloody chainsaw, "Actually Bella, you don't if its a boy or a girl, the ultrasound couldn't work, remember?"
Esme polished Bella's stomach.
"Why don't we just call it the anti Christ?" Edward storms out of the room to talk to Jacob...
"OH JACOB, I HAVE KILLED HER! I HAVE KILLED MY BELOVED BELLA, CAN YOU KIILL ME?" Edward shouted over-dramatically.
"Gladly, but I'd rather watch you suffer! Mwhahahahaha!" Jacob laughed evilly.
Edward stopped, thinking, then his eyes visibly lit up as he had an idea, "how about you rent Bella?"
"What like a movie? That is sick, that is a new low, Cullen! but so tempting..." Jacob fantasized about Bella.
"Oh,um...sorry...how the hell did you get her pregnant anyways?"
Edward groaned, "Do I really have to explain this?"
"JEBUS CULLEN, I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE THAT BUT HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF A CONDOM?"
"Yes...well...um THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER!"
Jacob walked into the house to talk to Bella.
"Oh, hello Jacob, my stomach is very pleased to see you!"Bella said in a happy voice.
Jacob's jaw dropped, he was bewildered that Bella wasn't worried about her pregnancy, "Erm...you aren't scared?
"No" she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and then to herself, "I will keep my heart beating, I will keep my heart beating!"
"You're crazy...but I like it!" Jacob replied suggestively
"Ja-ake! I am happily married to Edward!"
"Oh well, it was worth I try!"
Bella reached over to hit Jacob and the placenta detached, "HOLY CRAP, THIS IS PAINFULL SHIT, OH CRAP GET THE FREAKING BABY OUT!! OH FUCK!"
Edward and the rest of the Cullens ran gracefully, except Alice who hopped gracefully, "OH MY BEAUTIFULL BELLA! OH NO!" Edward exclaimed romantically.
"GET THE MORPHINE!" exclaimed everyone but Edward, unromantically, "AND THE FREAKIN' MORPHINE!" shouted Bella.
Edward ran gracefully in slow motion to inject Bella and then bit her neck, "NO DON'T FRIGGIN DIE!" he and Edward screamed in anguish.
Rosalie grabbed the baby and everyone began to crowd around it, "OMG! Its a girl!" Emmett (who hasn't said much in this so far) exclaimed.
"I THINK I'M IN LOVE!" Jacob announced like a proud toddler
"Good for you, NOW LET ME DRESS THAT BABY IN RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE CLOTHES!" Alice shouted at him.
"No its mine!" Rosalie hissed and the whole family began to fight over Nessie while Bella was being transformed into a beautiful vampire in the background.
"CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN OVER THERE? Um...Dear!" Esme shouted.