A/N: After reading several fics with the same general idea, I've decided to write my own. That's right; Naruto and crew are going to be trying to put a stop to horrible fan fiction. Of course, it's not really a mission… more like a personal vendetta. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Sasuke, or any of the other Naruto characters. Sasuke's attitude about shitty fanfiction is my design, however.
Prolouge: Dim Sun
Orochimaru, being the most badass member of the Sannin, knew from the beginning about fan fiction. And only now was it beginning to piss him off.
"Those… perverted… Pedophiles!" Orochimaru exploded, not being able to find a better word. "Kabuto!"
Orochimaru's right-hand man (And NOT sex-slave) immediately walked in.
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama?" He asked.
"Bring me Sasuke. There's something I need to tell him."
"Right away sir."
Sasuke walked in, looking bored.
"You called, master?"
"Yes." Orochimaru said, looking pleased. "You know about fanfiction . Net right?"
"Then you know about the idiots on that site, right?"
"I'm giving you an extremely important assignment." Orochimaru tossed him a book. "Trolling."
"Your job, is to read that book, and make a Narutofied version of it."
"This book… Twilight?" Sasuke read the cover. "Deeply seductive… Twilight is a love story with bite. It sounds interesting…"
"Wait until you read the book."
Sasuke read 3 pages.
"Wait… what the hell is this?"
"It's a Mary-Sue. And a Self-Insert. I'm not sure how it got out of FF . Net, but it was probably because the publisher was on crack."
"This… is pathetic." Sasuke said as he flipped through the pages. "Where are the badass vampires? The Cullens are pussys. Why are Edward and Bella sitting in a meadow in a town that never stops raining? You get bugs. And…" Sasuke's eyes widened. "What the hell! Vampires don't sparkle!"
"Trolling essentially is making fun of something." Orochimaru explained. "What I want you to do, is go on FF . Net, and write a one-shot about this book."
"Doesn't sound too hard…" Sasuke murmured, still flipping through the pages. "Nothing ever happens…"
"I also want you to bash the people who actually write pedophiliacs."
"They think I molest you."
"Ew." Sasuke said with a look of disgust. "Well, I'll get cracking on it then."
Sasuke went to his room, and booted his computer.
"Let's see…" Sasuke muttered; as he began too type…
By: Bolero of Vengence
Summary: A bitchy girl moves to Konoha, and immediately falls in love with the hottest guy available. Twilight parody. Oh, and this guy is a vampire. Script-form, because Meyer deserves to be made fun of. Rated because that's the age group Meyer got, despite the fact it's an adult book.
Twilight, in just about 1/1000 of the time wasted.
Hinata: Stephenie Meyer
Hinata's mom: Renee
Alice: Orochimaru (XD)
Kyuubi: Chuck Norris
Carlisle: Jiariya (Lol)
Esme: Tsunade (Double Lol)
Renessmee: The Loch Ness monster (Because Breaking Dawn sucks ass!)
James: Akatsuki Leader
Victoria: Akatsuki leaders apparent girlfriend
Itachi: Killed by Sasuke, in the manga. Take that, Itachi fangirls!
Dracula: Oh wait, he's a real vampire. He doesn't sparkle.
Angela: Seriously, who gives a damn about her?
Tyler: his van (Go Team Tyler's Van!)
Laurent: It's not like he did anything, anyway. He just ran off. Wuss.
Bitchy Fangirls: Already hitting the review button to flame me. Get a life, and a boyfriend. Losers.
Let's start this thing.
Hinata: Oh I'm soooo miserable. My mom got a bastard of a new boyfriend, so now I'm just going to try and make the reader feel sorry for me. Waaahhh-"
Hinata's Mom: Bye!
Hinata: But… you didn't ask me to stay!
Hinata's mom: You want to go, don't you?
Hinata: … (Gets on plane)
Hinata's Mom: Bye daughter, and heeeellllloooo sex life!
Hiashi: Hello Daughter who thinks I'm a loser. Hop in my car, and I'll take you to your new home!
Hinata: Sure. Whatever.
Hiashi: (Drives, and tries to make small talk with Hinata)
Hiashi: I'm going to help you pick out a car. Since Stephenie Meyer apparently thinks women shouldn't think for themselves that constitutes to me picking one out for you!
Hinata: (Stares at Truck) It's really cool. But since I'm such a bitch, I'm going to complain about gas mileage.
Hiashi: Okay, sure. School starts tomorrow.
Hinata: But I'm a freaking genius! I've done everything! I've done so much; they had to put college level courses in last year!
Hiashi: Good thing you moved. Now scat.
Hinata: (Goes up to her room, bitches about that, then falls asleep.)
Hinata: (Gets up) Urrghhh… today's going to suck. (She leaves, gets in her truck, and goes to school… without asking for directions. She makes it. Fucking Mary-Sue.)
Hinata: (Goes up to Secretary) Now, where's my schedule? Give it to me, before I bitch about how much this school system sucks.
Secretary: You didn't tell me your name… Bitch.
Hinata: Stephenie Mey- Errr… Hinata Hyuuga.
Secretary: There ya go. (Hands schedule)
Hinata: (reads) But… I've done all this shit before! I'm bitching about this!
Secreatary: See what I care.
Hinata: (Leaves, then notices a SHINY SILVER VOLVO. HINT HINT) Time to go to… Building three. (Goes to Building three)
Balding guy: You're the new girl? Well, nice to meet you.
Hinata: Your class sucks. I've already read everything. Shakespeare, Bronte, Chaucer, Faulkner…
Balding guy: So what? Your just a another one of those bitchy Mary-Sues. Only difference is that you're published. What happened, your publisher on crack?
Hinata: No, I slept with him.
Balding guy: …
Hinata: (Notices a ugly boy walking towards her, since she's such a bitch, she immediately hates him, because he's ugly. Trust me, Meyer is that shallow)
Megagamer; Hey, I'm Megagamer200. I don't play a big role in the plot, just to point out that the people of Phoenix have much better taste than the people of Forks… Oops. That isn't where this story is taking place. Haha… Anyway, May I walk you to your next class?
Hinata: Can it, bitch.
Megagamer: Now that was just plain rude. If Stephenie didn't want every damn guy after you, I'd have given up on you already, because that was just plain unnecessary. Haven't you ever heard of "No, thank you?"
Hinata: Yes. It's what the use in shitty love stories. Now go away.
Megagamer: But you're a shitty love story.
Hinata: GO AWAY!!!
Megagamer: What's with the caps lock? Damn, Stephenie, you're almost as bad as your fans!
Hinata: (Leaves, and then Stephenie is vague about where she goes next, because she's a poor author)
Random girl: Oh hey! My name is- (Censored, because Stephenie is so damn lazy, she only gave three of her 'friends' names.
Hinata: Fuck off.
Random girl: Want to sit with me at lunch? Despite the fact you're being a total bitch to me?
Hinata: Sure… Bitch. (They go to Lunch, and they see the Cullens)
Hinata: Who are those guys?
Sakura: Which guys?
Hinata: The pale ones, who aren't eating anything.
Sakura: They're the cullens. They are extremely anti-social.
Hinata: Like Megagamer?
Sakura: No. These guys are actually cool.
Megagamer: I resent that!
Hinata: Who's the hot blonde one?
Sakura: That's Ino-
Hinata: The guy.
Sakura: Errr… Naruto. Yeah, Naruto.
Naruto: (Impersonating Sasuke by being all Emo… then glares at Hinata.
Hinata: That glare... We're going to get married!
Sakura: Don't get your hopes up. He doesn't date.
Hinata: Fast marriage?
Hinata: One night stand?
Hinata: Is he the most desireable man, ever?
Hinata: (Bitchslaps her) Take that bitch! (Goes to Biology, Naruto just happens to be sitting next to the only empty seat.)
Hinata: Oh, Naruto, you're so sexy, we could make a cult for you!
Naruto: … (His eyes are blue… HINT HINT)
Hinata: You love me too, don't you?
Naruto: … (His eyes are Red… HINT HINT)
Hinata: Did your eyes just change color?
Naruto: …. (HINT HINT)
Teacher: All right class, today we'll cut ourselves like emos.
Naruto: Uhhhh… I can't stay. I have a… uhhhh.. Backache?
Hinata: Your voice is so sexy, I'll give you a massage!
Naruto: … (Leaves)
Hinata: Why'd you just let him go?
Teacher: He's graduated High school a bunch of times; it's on his permanent record, so we don't make him stay.
Hinata: What the… He must be even more of a freaky genius than me!
Teacher: Actually, he was born in 1901. (HINT HINT) It's on his permanent record.
Megagamer: Haha, another Loophole Stephenie didn't cover!
Teacher: Leave, and never come back to this fanfic again!
Everyone: You suck, because you have opinions!
Megagamer: Sheesh, it's just like the Lexicon… (Leaves)
Teacher: All right, ignoring the bashing of dumbass twihards, who can tell me-
Hinata: Oh Naruto, How I am in love with you, your beautiful face, your… beautiful face-
Sasuke: Yeah, well, he's a dead-last.
Hinata: Excuse me?
Sasuke: You heard me.
Hinata: How can you insult him like that? I LOVE him.
Sasuke: Yeah, well, you're a shallow bitch.
Hinata: You're mean!
Sasuke: And you're Stephenie. See what I care. (Leaves)
Hinata: (Goes to Gym, bitchs about that because Stephenie needs to have a protangist that doesn't kick ass in sports because she has every damn guy after her in school. It's apparently to make her seem less like a sue. Yeah, well, I see the bitch underneath your damn glazing Meyer.)
Hinata: I suck at sports…
Coach: Well, stop being such a bitch about it, and get some friends!
Hinata: I can't, because Meyer is intentionally making me a 'teenage outcast.'
Coach: What? Is shrugging off all the people who try to be friends with you, make you an outcast? No, it makes you a bitch.
Hinata: The people in this town are idiots.
Coach: Shut up Stephenie.
Hinata: (Ditchs class, because she's a bitch who would rather become a vampire than go to college… fuck the easy way, Meyer!)
Hinata: (Goes to the unnamed Secretary, to find Naruto, ranting.)
Naruto: Get me out of the class. I love her, but I must be far away.
Secretary: Oh yeah, that makes sense. But I can't do that, even though you convince the administrators in the epilogue so you can have all your classes with Stephenie.
Megagamer: Plot Hole!
Secretary: Shut up.
Naruto: Oh yeah, really witty, but remember bitch, we have fangirls.
Secretary: Just shut up and leave.
Naruto: (Passes Hinata) Hey girl whose name I still don't know who I'm apparently in love with at first sight. (leaves)
Hinata: … (Leaves in a daze)
Sakura: Hey, Hinata, want to look at dresses for the dance later?
Hinata: Sure why not.
Sakura: That was OOC. You on crack?
Hinata: Naruto… looked at me.
Sakura: Not again…
Hinata: Anyway, it's not like anybody's going to ask me out anyway.
Sakura: Enough with the 'Bella doesn't think she's attractive' joke. Anyway, no one can ask you out, because it's a girl's choice.
Megagamer: Actually, that's not true. Meyer is apparently sooooooo anti-feminist (Under the guise of Anti-Human) that she has herself get asked out by three different guys. Who she turns down rudefully.
Hinata: Why aren't you?
Megagamer: Asking you out? Because dating someone's 17 year old 'perfect' version of themselves is stupid. Now, a girl who isn't a Necrophiliac… maybe.
Hinata: You're ugly, so you can't find Twu Luv.
Megagamer: Maybe not, but I'll sure as hell try.
Sakura: Hinata, enough with the Meyer logic. Megagamer…. Just leave.
Megagamer: Sure. (Leaves)
Hinata: He's a little bastard. (Walks out in the street)
Tyler's van: Finally! Die Bitch! (Moves himself forward)
Naruto: No! I love her! (Throws himself in front of Hinata, he gets run over, and they both die.
Sasuke: So ends the Tragedy of Naruto and Hinata.
Sasuke grinned as he submitted his story unto the site.
"Take that…" Sasuke whispered.
Sakura was randomly browsing through FF . Net looking for romance.
Then she found Bolero of Vengence's story Dim Sun.
"What the…" Sakura muttered as she scanned the pages. "This is… pretty good. I think I'll review…"
CherryBlossoms: Even though you were obviously looking to get flamed, I found your story very enjoyable. Much better than Twilight itself. I wish it wasn't in script form though, script fan-fics are against the guidelines. You could get your story deleted. I also wish it could have focused a little more on Sasuke and Sakura's relationship… but since Twilight is all about Edward and Bella's Twu Luv' I found your subtlety very enjoyable.
Megagamer200: What the… Why the hell am I in this? Anyway, great story. I wish you made fun of Meyer's annoying habit of making Bella use big words to make her seem smarter.
Ramenhokage: What is this fic making fun of exactly? I don't get it…
MinuetofLove: SCREEEEEHHH! How dar U mak fun of deh bibl! I'l sic Edwad on UuuuuuuuUuuuuuu!
Icy Feminist: Interesting… I must say I was thinking about reading this book… but you have convinced me otherwise. Great job.
Chuck Norris: What? Why am I being compared to a Pokemon? You better hope I don't find you boy, or I'll roundhouse you into next week! You didn't even make fun of Meyer's inability to do research! You suck! I never want to see you writing again!