Title: Chemistry

Category: Cartoons ยป Justice League

Author: Kyer

Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: K+

Genre: Humor

Published: 12-22-08, Updated: 03-16-09

Chapters: 12, Words: 30,604



Chapter 1: What just happened?

This additional note was written just after posting Chapter 11.

Nothing recognizable found in this story is the owned property of Kyer. That includes references to DC Superhero stuff, Star Wars, Pokemon, Star Trek, Marvel comics characters, and so forth. All was written for fun and glory and not a claim of ownership or money. (damn it.) Oh, and this story gets increasingly cracky as it goes on, but if the fav story email alerts I've been getting so far are any indication reviewers have been forgiving this--bless their fellow twisted souls.

Hope you have as much fun reading as I had dreaming this stuff up.

Story is very Wally/Flash-centric, but other characters have cameos with Bat family, Superman, The Question having larger parts as well.

I don't own Justice League or any super heroes. Yes, sux to be me, I know. Don't rub it in.

This was born from a review by me of OnlyANorthernSong's Super Secret Gift Exchange fanfic. I proposed that the other superheroes would be flabbergasted should Wally West actually outdo Batman in a laboratory endeavor. She wanted me to write up the idea. Since the author had given me much appreciated knowledge on this fandom, I gave it a shot. (Granted, Batman must have gotten wind of what I was attempting and sent highly threatening vibes my way via the Martian so the ending is not quite what I intended.)

OnlyANorthernSong, this is for you.


An unmasked Flash ran around the Batcave ninety-eight times with his arms outstretched and moving in a circular clockwise motion. While not anywhere at top speed, the superhero was still moving much faster than his co-workers could hope to attain without mechanical aid.

It also made his antics that much more annoying because they could actually see him in action rather than just as a red blur.

"Two flaps around the Bat's, two flaps around; it's only fair--he doesn't care--you're bored to tears in this Underground! One flap around the Bat's, one flap around! You stop and stare...."

Wally West here stopped on a dime; loosely flying red hair still in the act of trying to brake with the rest of him, but not succeeding. Mischievous eyes peered up at Batman's scowling face to judge what effect his squeaky serenade and dance was having.

"...to note his glare...."

Broke out in a grin as the man glowered at him.

"...AANnnd then you turn around!"

Face alight in glee, Wally reversed direction and ran his chosen course again another one-hundred times only in counter-clockwise. This was the fifteenth time Flash had completed the full song since Batman had started the last stages of his experiment. If Batman didn't have his cowl on to protect his hair he'd now be as bald as Luthor for having pulled it out in frustration.

The Dark Knight had given up snarling at the kid to stop after the first 45th lap. The chemical concoction he was brewing (or what Flash insisting on calling a potion) was needed to stop Poison Ivy's newest creation that she had threatened to unleash upon the world tomorrow during Christmas Eve. Not even a Flash-induced migraine was going to make him stop doing important work just to 'go have dinner' at McDoogalls.

Sitting down not far away to await the results (of the chemical experiment--NOT the Flash's test on their hearing), the Green Lantern and Wonder Woman had given up threatening Wally with bodily harm on the 24th and 32nd laps--respectfully. It wasn't that they were any less annoyed (and ignored) by Flash, but the last time they had tried to physically stop the speedster it had resulted in Bruce's T-rex crashing into the Batmobile and thus setting off it's collision alarms and both air bags. Additionally, a lasso'd Alfred (Wonder Woman was still blushing over her error there) had unintentionally spilled the beans about having had to use hot pink thread on the hem of Master Bruce's torn cloak from that last adventure of the Dark Knight's when he'd run out of darker colored thread in his sewing kit. (Seems Wally had borrowed it to make sock puppets for Central City's orphanage.) After receiving Batman's glare on the resultant mess....and Flash's laugh at the dozen hot pink cross-stitches he'd found on the cape's hem---GL and WW had sat down and simply endured.

All things considered, Flash was damned lucky his continued existence was needed to stave off a Justice Lords reality. It was the only thing saving him from premeditated murder. So far.

"One last ingredient. Two drops..." Batman muttered as he took up a yellow vial of liquid and carefully started to let a single drop of the highly volatile chemical make it's way to the lip of the crystal tube. He tilted his hand a second time. One last drop and then he was free to kill the roadrunner currently rampaging in his cave--alternate reality prophecies be-damned. Batman tried not to think about how that would cast him as either Luthor or the scientifically bent, but highly ineffective Wile E. Coyote. Under the circumstances, Wayne doubted the other Leaguers would condemn him.

"Whoa--Bats,thatnotagoodidea--" Flash suddenly appeared in front of him, but the second droplet had already made it's high dive to join the rest of the recipient beaker's mixture. Meanwhile the contents (sans arriving drop) turned an alarming shade of About-To-Explode Real Soon...with relevant sound effects.

The Flash sped into action.

There was a blur of red over the beaker with it's own audio of what sounded like "OhshitshitshitOWOWshitshitOW!" sung by The Chipmunks at high speed. The blur zoomed from the beaker to the lab table containing Batman's work notebook. Said notebook opened and was flipped through within a split second. Microsecond pause wherein a pen disappeared from its place on the table and reappeared. The blur then appeared back at the experiment table where assorted beakers were kept. More blurs and then Flash was standing by the exit to the upstairs Wayne Manor while the beaker held a calm, non-threatening liquid. He used his other hand to mop off the sweat on his brow, gave a quick wince which quickly became hidden by a cocky grin.

"Well, that's that! Can we go upstairs and eat now? It's been almost 10 minutes since Al declared dinner was ready and I'm starved! Afterward maybe we can go to McDoogall's for, you know, an after-dinner snack? There's this really great special they're having." He gave Batman his best malnourished puppy-dog eyes look. It disappeared when he noticed Batman's expression. Turning his head, Wally saw the same expression of slack-jawed disbelief gracing Green Lantern and Wonder Woman. "Uh...guys?"

Wonder Woman gaped like her mother had just appeared and announced she was going to take Aqua Lambada lessons with Poseidon. Green Lantern stuttered. "D-Did he just...?"

"NOoooooO..." Wally started to whine in denial of any culpability in saving them from an exploding corrosive gone wrong. He glanced at the test tube still in his hand and carefully zoomed over to put it back on the rack, hyper-speed brainwaves desperately seeking a plausible explanation to give them other than 'it looked like it was going to go boom and by chance I chose the right counter agent. How'zat for dumb luck?' The possibilities were cut short when Batman reached out and grabbed the front of the Flash's hood, pulling them nose to nose.

"Um.. heheh...oops?" Wally nervously held up one of his hands in surrender.

"What, did you do?"


"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?" Batman's growling voice echoed around the cave.

"Really. It was pure dumb... Hey, it's fixed, okay? Wally gulped. "No go-boom. No harm done. Except now I'm really nervous and when I get really nervous I get really hungry. Let's go eat--"

Without looking away from Wally's sweating face, Bruce reached down and grabbed West's other hand by the wrist from behind where the speedster was trying to keep it out of sight. One of the Flash's glove fingertips sported little wisps of acrid smoke and was blackened. Batman picked up some surgical scissors and considered the smoking hand as if he was deciding whether to cut off the ruined material or just the whole finger. Wally gulped in terror, the pain forgotten in favor of worry over which option Batman was going to ultimately take.

Oh crap!

"Youhadmadeateensyeensy..er..explosion." Batman scowled. Whether it was at having made a chemistry miscalculation or from trying to decipher that running sentence...who knew. He finally made the cut....and threw the damaged cloth into a wastebasket. Wally looked mournfully at it. His finger felt and looked like hell from having used it to stop that last fateful drop from blowing them sky high (which would have been pretty impressive considering they were in a cave); however it would heal quickly enough. His glove, however, was a lost cause and those weren't something you could just pick up at the discount store.

Good thing he still had plenty of rings at home.

"How did you know what was wrong with the equations?" John piped up, still in a bit of shock. "You're just a grease monkey for the C.C.P.D. Most I've seen you do is fix a car backfire." And how he manages that, I can't even guess. The man couldn't even work his own Flashmobile properly! "I'm surprised you even know the difference between diesel gasoline and unleaded." Wonder Woman would have snickered at that if she wasn't still stuck in mental limbo.

"Hey!" Wally pouted ready to defend himself, then subsided as he remembered he was supposed to be encouraging their misconceptions of him. That, and Wonder Woman's glassy stare was starting to freak him out.

"Wallace Rudolph West is a mechanic for the metro police department," Bruce concurred as he dragged Wally over to a lidded box marked with a red cross. "Public records show mediocre academic achievements at best--none of them in chemistry."

"Yeah, well, you should question everything you read," Wally snickered under his breath. If they found out he was actually the city's top part-time police forensic scientist and not a doofus then the League just might make him spend more time doing research projects--which would seriously cut into his game play time. Not to mention Stud Appeal. He'd likely also have to explain that he was eating the Watchtower out of iced mochas and pizzas in order to make up for having to bribe The Question into faking his school and other public records. (You'd think Vic would have given him a discount on account that they were both part of the Red-Headed Heroes League, but nooooooo. Question made Captain Boomerang look like a philanthropist when it came to money.)

Then again, if he had to spend time at the Batcave playing with the Bat Chemistry Lab Kit then he'd have full access to Alfred's cooking and Tim's entertainment collection--without either necessarily having to know. Then again, Alfred could be downright scarier than Bats at times and Nightwing held one heck of a grudge and a weapons selection. Then again...

Looking embarrassed and like he dearly desired to scratch the back of his head if it weren't for Batman holding his injured member hostage, Wally hesitated in indecision. Batman chose that moment to spray Wally's finger with a disinfectant from the medical kit.

"OWOWOWOuchieOW!" Wally yelped as the spray struck what was now only a first degree chemical burn and thusly had newly working nerve endings. Enough was enough. He vibrated his hand just enough to free it. "Duuuude, have you considered starring in a hospital horror film? You'd fit right into the part of the sadistic, scary doctor."

Batman's glower reached new depths.

"See?" Wally grinned. "You've got the scary part down pat." He turned to Green Lantern. "Doesn't he have the scary part down pat?"

GL didn't answer. He was too busy looking through Batman's notebook which now sported some equation corrective marks and the entire Batman Smells Christmas parody lyrics on the back inside cover--complete with caricatures of a certain super hero and sidekick. He hastily used his ring to wipe off his fingerprints from the thing and put it down before Batman noticed and accused him of the vandalism.

Wally's face fell when Batman smirked...sort of. The problem was it was the evil 'I'm Batman and I will discover all--because I'm Batman' sort-of evil smirk. The one that preceded waking up the next morning with a batarang wedged up body places not meant for such things. "Er...now you're just over acting."

"I will find out."

"Maybe. But in the meantime...can we go eat dinner at McDoogall's? Their special The Flash action figure give away with every four 99-cent Joyful Meals ends in an hour!" He needed replacements for all the ones that kept disappearing from his apartment. Personally, he suspected The Trickster. Or that crazy old lady next door.

"West, I've got a new song for you to sing while I'm remaking the potion."

"What's that?"

"Staying Alive."

When Alfred came down to find out what all the noise was it was to find a nervous Flash singing a BeeGees tune while running circles around the batcave and being chased by a remote controlled (and ominously beeping) batarang. The Green Lantern was operating said remote control. Wonder Woman was... apparently not 'in' as it were. Was that Master Bruce actually cackling while working in his lab? The butler shook his head. It was all terribly undignified, Alfred decided. He escaped back upstairs.

"Just another few drops and it's done." Batman nodded in satisfaction. If he hurried, they could catch the start of the Batman action figure giveaway Joyful Meals promotion. Maybe he could also get a last minute Flash one too...seeing he'd destroyed the speed demon's last one yesterday.

Using action figures for stress relief was so underrated.