Title: My Goddess, My Heart
Disclaimer: I have no claims over the characters of Twilight. All rights belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Summary: When I first caught her scent, I turned my wanting into hate. Later, as my cold yet sparkling hand touched her warm flesh, sunlight streamed through the trees making her skin glow as golden as the sun. Bella was an immortal. It was the day that secrets were spilled and lives changed forever. I had at last found a reason for my eternal life, someone who understood my pain.
Chapter 1: Savage Desire
Every human mind in the school was buzzing with thoughts of Bella Swan. Her father, Charlie, had moved back early last year. And now, father and daughter were together again in Forks as well. I, however, couldn't see what everyone was talking about. As I walked inside the cafeteria to meet my family, the thoughts of all the students, including Jessica Stanley, entered my mind.
"Oh, him? That's Edward Cullen. He's so hot - not like I care or anything."
I couldn't help the smirk of a smile that found its way onto my lips at hearing that. Not looking in her direction, I just kept walking toward the table that my family used. Rosalie was sitting next to Emmett-- he had his arm draped over her shoulder, pulling her close. Alice was almost sitting in Jasper's lap. If the school allowed it, she would have been. Then there was me, Edward. I sat on the end of the table with no one to call my own.
All of a sudden, it felt as if something was burning holes in me. I looked in the direction the strange pull of energy was coming from. It was in that moment I caught sight of two doe colored eyes looking at me. However the second that she realized that I had caught her staring at me, she looked away. I quickly sifted through people's thoughts. Once I got to Eric Yorkie I found what I wanted to know-- the girl who had been watching me was Bella Swan.
The air shifted in the room as a student ran by our table. My breath hitched in my throat as a new scent teased my senses, making my head spin.
If I would have known that I would find out what that sweet and delectable smell was I would have never went to Biology class. As it was I had no clue, so I went to bio. I was at my lab table when I got the feeling of being watched. As I lifted my head, I caught her dark brown eyes darting away again.
As she made her way inside the room and was passing her slip to Mr. Molina, the room fan blew her brown hair in every direction and with it was that wonderful and luscious yet dizzying scent. I felt my eyes darken to onyx, and I brought my right hand up to cover my mouth. Bella Swan was the source of the appealing aroma I had caught wind of in the lunchroom.
Pulling in a quick breath through my mouth, my body stiffened as she walked towards the table. I slid my chair as far away as I could. Bella's eyes took on a look of shock and hurt as she looked in my direction. As I was struggling with the predator inside me, I felt as if I was going to gag on her floral scent. Don't think for a second that it was in disgust-- well; some may have been directed at myself, but never because of her. If my face looked repulsed, it was because of the fire burning in my throat, of my want for her.
An image of her warm neck beneath my lips flickered inside my head; causing more venom to pool into my mouth. I reached out with my mind and tried to probe her thoughts. Instead of feeling the slight give of her mind. My mind ran right into a barrier as thick as iron. I couldn't read this girl's thoughts. I was momentary stunned by this fact. It had never happened before.
The hour in class continued to tick by. It felt like, for once in my eternal life, I was moving slower than the humans. I did my best to stay away from her. Catching a hold of Mr. Molina's thoughts that the bell was going to ring in less than ten seconds, I was up and out of my chair a moment before the bell rang.
I was already down the hallway before she could reach me. It was in that small fraction of time I knew I had to get out of that class. I headed to the office to do just that. Luck was not on my side it would seem, for while I argued with Ms. Cope about finding a different science class, she walked through the door. The delightful scent her body gave off was madding; her scent was to me like the nectar of a flower was to a bee.
After hearing that there was nowhere else for me to switch to, I had meant to be polite and tell her that I understood and leave it at that, but my words where cold and harsh when I spoke - almost as if my own venom had seeped into them before I had said them. More along the lines of "Fine then, I guess I will have to find another way to endure it for an hour, no matter how unpleasant." As I rushed past the cause of my discomfort, my shirt grazed her arm and I felt a strange warm shock pulse through me. I merely brushed it off as what static in the air left.
Having remembered that today was Carlisle's day off, I headed for home right after school. Talking to Carlisle with Esme around wasn't something I was happy about. Esme would not want me to leave home— to leave them in fear that I would never come back. I was hoping that Carlisle would see things my way, so then all I had to do was make Esme understand why I needed to leave.
Traces of her scent still clung to my shirt. I knew I was going to have to burn it, and I really liked this shirt, too. It was just one more reason for me to hate her.
It would be much later before I learned that I couldn't hate her any more then I could kill her.
I had no idea that Carlisle would be there waiting for me to come home, but he was.
"Edward, you seem to have something on your mind. Shall we go to my office to talk?"
As Carlisle ushered me toward the stairs to his office, I couldn't help but glance around me as I looked for Esme. By honing in on her thoughts, I found that she was outside tending to her flowerbeds. She kept thinking about the different flowers she would be planting this summer and fall. I pulled myself out of her thoughts when I realized that Carlisle was watching me.
"She's doing her best to try and keep how she feels to herself. She doesn't what to make you feel pressured into staying."
I couldn't help but sigh, "She doesn't want me to go. I knew that she would feel that way. Alice told you, didn't she?"
Carlisle's ocher eyes locked with my now amber orbs.
"All she told me was that something had happened at school and you needed to talk. You know how your mother is. She just doesn't want to lose you, just like any mother. You are very much her first born, even if you are older than her. Nothing will ever make Esme love you less."
Carlisle's voice did nothing to help me decide if Esme would be all right if I left. I knew she would be fine physically. However, I truly had no desire to injure my adopted mother's un-beating heart.
Once we were inside his office, Carlisle pulled the door closed behind us.
"Now, tell me Edward. What happened at school to cause you to be so on edge?"
When I first got home, I couldn't wait to scream at him that I needed to leave for a while. Now that I had the chance to talk to him, I couldn't get my mouth to form the words. Then it all came rushing out.
"If we can't leave, then I need to leave or I'll end up killing her. Her scent is so strong and sweet it makes my head spin, and I lose all thought. It's maddening! It took every ounce of my control not to take her today right in front of those children in Biology class."
Carlisle seemed to be giving my words some thought before he spoke.
"I understand how upsetting all of this can be, but we can't just get up and leave."
I narrowed my eyes as I swung around to look at Carlisle once more.
"Why can't I go at least? I'll come back in a few years when she's gone."
However my anger was only fueled more when I caught a hold of Carlisle's thoughts.
'If we leave now, too many questions will be asked. Just allow it to play out for now.'
"Let it play out? So you're giving up on protecting the secret of what we are? You're willing to take the chance that I'll kill this girl?"
The second I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder, I wanted to throw him across the room. But he was older and stronger and I respected him too much. I had been angry with him a very long time ago when he had first made me, but I got over it and started to admire him for his strength and control.
"No, Edward, I'm not, because I believe that you can control yourself."
I ignored his calm voice and yelled back at him.
"And what if I can't control myself?! What if I kill her and expose us?!"
Carlisle's hand stayed on my shoulder as his eyes softened slightly.
"You'll find the will to stop yourself before you do because you won't risk becoming the monster you don't want to become."
I knew the true answer just by reading his thoughts, but I spoke anyway.
"You wouldn't let that happen. You or Alice would stop me before it got that far."
Carlisle had moved to his desk and was now flipping through one of his massive toms. He then answered my statement.
"You're right, Edward; I wouldn't let you fall that far. You have been on the wagon, so to speak, much longer than some of our family."
Carlisle cut me off before I could finish.
"Yes, you've taken human blood. But I will not allow you to shoulder all of the responsibility for that. Some of that blame I take fully on myself. I was the one who changed you into what you are. I am also the one who never let you choose what you wanted. It was one of the reasons I always felt you rebelled against my vision so long ago."
Carlisle marked his place in his book and closed it; his topaz eyes were soft and yet serious, as he looked right at me. His words, however, confused me.
"If you regret not giving me a choice, then why are you making me stay?"
Carlisle's gaze never wavered from me.
"If I let you go, and then have you come back here when she is gone, it would be time for our family to move on as well. What would keep you from killing her later if you ran into her? It was agreed it would be better if you could adjust yourself to her scent in ways that would make her less tempting."
I sighed in defeat as I lightly let myself fall into one of Carlisle's soft office chairs.
"How would I do that? I can barely think about keeping in control when she's near!"
It wasn't long before Carlisle was saying what he had been thinking.
"If you fed more often, your hunger won't be as great. It would make her scent more tolerable for you. You could always try talking to her, Edward. Knowing who she is as a person would help also. If you know who she is inside, then you would have more control over the blood lust."
At Carlisle's last sentence, I jumped up from the chair and started pacing.
"I've tried and it doesn't work."
Carlisle lifted an eyebrow as he looked at me.
"You've talked to the girl whose blood calls to you?"
I ran a hand through my already wild bronze hair.
"No. I haven't talked to her but I've tried to read her thoughts and I can't even see them. She's not just some girl, her name is Isabella Swan."
I heard Carlisle suck in a quick breath at hearing the name before I read his thoughts.
"Yes, she's the daughter of the police chief."
'You should go hunt, Edward. After that, think about what I said, son.'
I had lost this battle with Carlisle, though I'm not really sure I wanted to win in the first place. Why should I let a human girl chase me away from my family?
"Fine. I'll do what you ask just to try it, but the minute it looks like I'm right, I'm out of here."
I knew that she would be coming. I also knew that she was different. As of right now, I still hadn't figured out just how different she was. I had told Jasper, Carlisle and Esme about her, and I had tried to tell Edward that her being here would end his sadness. He just laughed at me and told me he was happy the way things were and that he was in no shape or form lonely.
I knew better--no one in my family bets against me and wins. There was most definitely something different about Bella Swan, but I just hadn't figured it out yet. There was one thing I did know -- Bella was the answer all of us had been waiting for. Edward had seen her as a problem. I just didn't see what kind of problem until Edward had met her. There was a strange savage desire burning in his eyes – it was something I had never seen in them before…and it scared me. The second I understood what had triggered that look in Edward's eyes and the vision of him planning to leave, I dialed Carlisle's number and explained what I could and told him to ask Edward the rest.
At the end of the day, Rosalie and Emmett where questioning me with their eyes when they saw Emmett's hulking SUV sitting in the parking lot instead of Edward's Volvo.
I wouldn't give them an answer. I simply tossed a smile at them, took Jasper's hand, and skipped toward the SUV.
I'd share what I knew with them later.
When Alice called this morning, I had to really think about why she was calling when she spoke in a soft whisper.
"She's here, Carlisle! The girl I saw in my vision. I just know that she's going to be the one to end Edward's loneliness. Edward should be home soon and he wants to talk to you about leaving. His reaction to the new girl was a lot different than I expected."
The phone was silent for a moment before Alice spoke again. She stressed the last five words as she spoke.
"Whatever you do, don't let him leave, Carlisle."
Even though I was older than Alice, there was one thing I had learned during her stay with our family: you never bet against Alice. You would just end up losing. I did my best to focus on the medical book I had been reading. I was merely skimming it. I had already memorized everything written within its pages.
My thoughts kept straying to Edward. After centuries of not being able to find someone who shared my same vision, I had selfishly made him out of loneliness. I had found him, his fragile body not strong enough to fight the disease that was raging within it. I had thought I was saving him, but had I really saved him or just caused him more pain?
Looking toward the doorway of my office, I saw my wife Esme standing there looking at me.
"You did the right thing darling. I think Alice is right. Maybe this is the one we have been looking for. You can't keep blaming yourself for everything that Edward has or hasn't done. I've had to learn that as well, my love. I think you're right - our son is strong. He will be all right in the end."
In less than a second, Esme was at my side. I held her hand within my own and brought it up to my cool lips, kissing it as I did so.
"I hope for Edward and Bella's sakes that we are right."
"We have to be, love. Out of all of us, I think Edward suffers the most. He tries to play it off as other things, but I'm his mother and I know better. Jasper knows his pain better than all of us. I think sending him to go hunting is a very good idea. It will give him time to think. I just hope he comes home once he's done."
"No worries, Esme. Edward will come home or Emmett, Jasper and I will go get him."
Esme and I both glanced up to see Alice prance into the room, her excitement over the new development for our family shining in her topaz eyes. I saw that Jasper was leaning lightly against the doorframe. He didn't look that thrilled, so it was my guess that Alice had spilled her vision to the others at last.
Jasper's golden eyes fell on me next as he looked away from Alice. He moved into the room further before he spoke.
"None of this is your fault, Carlisle. It is merely something that happened. He may not like it right now, but I trust Alice. If she says that staying here and facing this is what Edward needs, then I will stand by her and Edward."
"Thank you, Jasper, but the way I feel will remain until I see light shining in his eyes like I do the rest of you. I truly hope that Isabella Swan will be Edward's saving grace, so to speak. I take it that Emmett and Rosalie didn't take the news of your vision well?"
Alice was now perched on the corner of my desk, her dark hair as wild as it always was.
"Oh, Emmett took the news a little better than Rosalie. Like I have any control over what I see! I think the two of them went out to hunt, but don't worry, they didn't go in the direction that Edward went in."
I could only hope that Alice was correct. If Rosalie were to confront Edward now, a fight would happen, and he would leave us for sure.
I had fixed dinner for Charlie and answered as many of my aging father's questions about my wayward mother. I then made my way to my room. I missed my mother terribly, but she had told me I needed to spend time with Charlie while I could. Renee and I weren't like Charlie – well, my mother most defiantly wasn't. She was an immortal, a divine being. And me? Well, I'm a half-breed: half immortal from Renee, and half mortal because of Charlie.
No one knew the secret of what we are. I wasn't even a true immortal. It took me three to four days to heal a wound that my mother could heal in seconds. Renee had fallen in love with Charlie without meaning to. After I was born and I started to do a few things that would tell the world (and Charlie) I was different, we left.
Renee had always told me that our kind was a dying breed. I was seven when I told her that I was alone, that there was no one out there for me. That was the first time since she had left Charlie that she cried. Only this time her tears were for me, because she knew I was right. Due to my mortal side someday, maybe a hundred years from now, I would start to age - and I would die.
My fear was that the day I died would also be the end of my mother's immortal life as well. I was afraid that her sorrow over my death would be too much. However, now Renee had Phil. He was an immortal as well. He thought that he was the last one of his kind until he met my mom. Renee had told me that the minute their skin had touched, a warm shock had pulsed through them, letting them know that they were meant to be together for eternity.
It was that memory that had led me back to the strange feeling I had towards Edward Cullen when he had brushed by me. Why had that happened? Edward was a human, after all. Wasn't he?