Pairings: Seifer x Squall, Irvine x Selphie

Warnings: Rated for cuss words.

Disclaimer: FFVIII does not belong to me. I couldn't handle the responsibility.

Notes: Fandom corrupts morals. For seriously. Before I got into fandom, I actually had them. Now, I have absolutely no problem with gay real person slash incest. Okay that was hyperbole but still, the point stands.

In that same vein, I never meant to write this fic. Originally, I had extreme principles against writing fic in general, and then against AU, and now I'm writing a gender-switch fic? I'm gonna cry, people. What's next, mpreg? Dear lord, I am a horrible person.

Anyway, it gets better as it goes along. The beginning is kinda slow as I establish the setting and characters and stuff like that, but once it gets rolling, I'm a much smoother writer.

Anyone wanna beta? Candidates who are good with witty banter are uber-win! C'mon, people!



Seifer Almasy made quite a striking female.

To be fair, he made quite a striking male as well. While Zell's hair was more yellow, and Quistis' was more like spun wheat, Seifer's hair was nothing less than pure gold. His eyes were greener than blue or grey, although there were glints of both in those jade depths, and he had the body of a god, tall and lean, with just enough muscles to turn any even vaguely-homosexual man gay. More than anything, though, his appeal lay in his arrogant, confident, eye-catching attitude. A mere entrance into a room was enough to turn heads, and even Squall found it hard to gather the self-control to tear his eyes from Seifer when he had his head thrown back, laughing. The throaty sound gathered attention from anyone within earshot, and the deep rumble of his speaking voice kept that focus.

But as a female, Seifer had a different appeal.

When Squall woke up to find the bed empty, he found it nothing remarkable. Seifer had probably gotten up in the middle of the night to fight T-Rexaurs at the Training Center – a common practice when he couldn't sleep, which happened often enough that Squall wasn't worried.

When Squall heard two SeeD cadets slavering over a leggy blond SeeD, he had assumed that they had just set their eyes on Quistis for the first time, which was a memorable experience for any straight male. So he didn't connect any dots in his mind. After all, the dots were on different planes of thought entirely. Squall had long since divided his thought processes into categories and then split them up onto levels of importance and relation to one another. And Seifer's disappearance plus leggy blond SeeD didn't meet up in any way, shape, or form.

The fact that Selphie didn't make more than one appearance that day didn't strike any warning bells either. She was probably off shopping, or scheming, or spending time with Irvine. She didn't necessarily have anything to do with Seifer's vanishing, and the fact that she giggled when she saw Squall in the cafeteria at lunch and got three times the amount of food she normally ate and said she was too busy to talk and took the food to her room… that didn't necessarily mean anything either. The utterly, shamelessly, gleefully amused look in her eyes… that could have been a coincidence. Right?

And that Irvine couldn't keep a straight face, and that half the girls in Balamb Garden were pouting and acting jealous over absolutely nothing in particular, and Quistis seemed almost offended to be ignored by the male populace in favor of some unseen new girl that Squall couldn't remember admitting into the academy, and Zell looked like his mind was shattered for some unknown reason… that could all be ignored as well.

No one – literally no one – did denial as effectively as Squall Leonhart.

So Squall buried himself in his work and refused to come out for dinner, and Seifer didn't bother him for once, which really should have been a relief, but wasn't. Not even remotely.

That night he went back to Seifer's and his shared rooms with a strange twist of apprehension and fear writhing in his gut. He opened the door to their bedroom and found a blond girl in nothing but a large button-up shirt in their bed and was nearly overwhelmed by profound relief because thank Hyne Seifer didn't leave him, he just got turned into a female, so everything was okay.

And then Squall realized with a shock of panic that everything was most certainly not okay, especially when he noticed the angry tears glistening in Seifer-girl's still-jade eyes.

([Chapter one])

When Seifer woke up that morning, he instantly knew that something was wrong. He wasn't the second most powerful person in the world (screw Squall and his insane power and grace) for nothing. He had total control of his body at all times; he was wholly aware of every flex of every muscle; he had complete balance of every movement and alignment of every motion.

So when he sat up with a start and almost fell out of the bed because his hips weren't where they were supposed to be, he instantly knew that something was very, very wrong. He stumbled to the bathroom on shaky legs and flicked on the light, almost yelling in surprise as a gorgeous blond chick stared back at him. Given his penchant for wearing nothing but boxers to sleep, the first thing to draw his eye was a pair of huge tits. Then his gave flicked up and over the lack of discernable jawline, full lips, pert nose, thin eyebrows, thick eyelashes, and hair that brushed his ass when he moved. That would have to be cut, the sensible and detached part of his mind told him decisively.

Seifer had to stuff a fist in his mouth to keep from screaming, and the fact that he could now fit the whole damn thing was disturbing on multiple levels. He crossed his arms over his chest to hide the boobs, but now there was nothing to keep that insanely delicate face from view. He needed help, fast, but he didn't want Squall to know of his condition. He was Squall's equal, always had been, and he didn't want to be vulnerable in front of the only person he truly respected. So he threw on a t-shirt that was much tighter than it should have been and almost bolted to Selphie's room.

After about two minutes of heavy banging on the door, a grumbling cowboy flung it open and grumbled some more. Seifer found it amusing that he wore nothing but a pair of boxers and that omnipresent cowboy hat. Did he… ever take it off? During sex? Showers, maybe?

Irvine's eyes widened as he took in the sight of a tall, voluptuous blonde knocking on their door and knew that if he didn't play his cards right, he'd end up sleeping on the couch for a week. While Selphie cut him a lot of slack for his flirtatious ways, she probably wouldn't like the idea of a large-breasted blond girl asking for him in the middle of the night. So he did the only thing he could. "Darlin,'" He called in the general direction of the bedroom, "It's for you."

Seifer smirked and considered miming the 'whipped' motion, but figured he needed to get these people on his side before he pissed them off over trivial matters. "Thanks." He murmured, keeping his voice quiet so as not to scare himself with the unfamiliar girliness of it.

Selphie appeared at the door moments later, rubbing at her eyes drowsily. Her clothes (a large t-shirt and a pair of boxers, most likely Irvine's) were rumpled and disheveled, but somehow her hair retained the flipped-up style. Seifer knew that thinking about it would make his brain hurt, so he didn't. "Um, hello?" Selphie yawned, clearly confused. "Do I know you?"

Seifer dragged her out into the hall, slamming the door shut behind her in Irvine's very startled face. Selphie stiffened and stared at him warily, clearly preparing to defend herself in case this unidentifiable blond chick was dangerous. She shifted back on her heels, going into battle stance.

Then Seifer stammered, "Selph, it's me, Seifer! I got turned into a girl!"

And Selphie fell over from the force of her giggling.

Seifer was not amused.

After the obligatory squealing over his looks, suspicious interrogation to make sure it was actually him (all he needed to say was 'chickenwuss' and she believed him), and questions as to the reason behind the reversal (no answers forthcoming), Selphie realized the necessity of getting Seifer clothing and instructions on how to act like a girl without looking like a guy.

Amidst much hyperactive chattering, she managed to drag him to Quistis' room. Seifer followed more or less obediently, mainly due to confusion, wandering around in a daze and struggling to maintain sanity. That was kinda difficult, considering every time he took a step on those too-thin legs, the huge semi-liquid-filled balloons on his chest would swing up and nearly hit him in the chin. That wasn't cool at all. He had to tone down his confident swagger into smoother, shorter steps that took him nowhere fast. How the crap did Selphie move around so quickly?

The brunet girl was babbling something about 'Quistis' and 'bras that fit' and 'lingerie' and something about applying mascara, something that made Seifer stop dead in his tracks and abruptly sit down right where he had been standing. "Selphie, I can't do this," he said frantically, resting his chin on his drawn-up knees. "I'm not female, I don't want to learn how to be female – this should be temporary, right?"

"Well, yes," Selphie's smile never faltered. Seifer couldn't help but feel a ray of hope at Selphie's eternal optimism, although it did convince him of one thing: the girl was obviously on crack. "But you want to adjust in the meantime, don't you? Besides, it'll be fun! Who hasn't wanted to be a member of the opposite gender for a day? You're not gonna be female for long, so enjoy the experience while you can! When you get changed back into a male, it'll be no problem to go back to your normal self."

He gnawed at his lip, unsure. "Yeah, I'd want to be a girl for a day just to experience these babies," He hefted one breast in each hand, looking impressed. "But who knows how long this'll last! I could be stuck like this forever."

"Seifer Almasy!" She scolded, smacking him upside the head none-too-gently. "I've never known you to be so pessimistic! Don't go into this thing expecting that it'll never get better! You have to believe that things will work out, and they will. Trust me. We'll figure this out."

Seifer smiled slightly, feeling reassured. He let her pull him to his feet, which would have been a difficult task for any other girl her height (even as a female, he had a good foot on her) except Selphie had uber-powers of hyperactive sugared-up crazed amazing-itude, so he was brought to his feet without a hitch.

"What would you do if you were a guy?" He thought to ask her as they walked on.

She cocked her head to the side in thought, back to bouncing along in her normal exuberant walk. "Definitely masturbate." Selphie answered decisively, accompanied by a sharp nod of certainty.

Seifer snorted, ruffling her hair with one hand. "Smart girl. …I don't think Quisty would appreciate us waking her up in the middle of the night," He mentioned a tad belatedly, considering Selphie was now knocking on her door.

Selphie shrugged with an entirely unapologetic 'oops!' and waited for the door to swing open.

Quistis glared at them wordlessly through the crack between door and frame, which would have been much more effective if she weren't half-unconscious and staring about a foot above Seifer's head.

"Yo, Quisty, flash me those tits, cuz I wanna see if they fit my hands as well as mine do," Seifer drawled.

He received a door in his face. Perhaps he should have been a bit more tactful about that.

A glare from Selphie (plus a few more knocks on the door, a half-hearted apology, and a garbled explanation) later, Quistis was far more willing to speak to the blond bombshell. She led Seifer inside, dismissed Selphie so that the petite girl could go get more sleep, and urged the newly-turned-girl to tell her everything.

It took all of fifteen seconds, including Seifer's extraneous use of profanity and his tendency to embellish any story to make it more interesting. When his hasty explanation was finished, Quistis sat back to think, tapping one finger against her lips and crossing her legs in thought.

Seifer half-heartedly copied her motions, knowing that he should pick up on those girly little quirks if he wanted to look even remotely natural in this newfangled body of his.

The instructor stood without a word, disappearing into her bedroom for a minute or so and returning with a bundle of clothes that she pressed into Seifer's arms with a preventative glare that clearly told him not to thank her. He appreciated the gesture. He'd never been very good at that grateful crap. Seriously, other people should be thanking him for living. His presence was a gift bestowed on the world that should be praised daily. Come to think of it, where were the gifts? Why wasn't he getting gifts for gracing people with his presence? He frowned thoughtfully, not knowing that the look on his new face leaned more towards adorable than threatening. Alright, that would have to change. Starting as soon as he regained his male body, he expected weekly presents for being alive. He'd get on it immediately.

He jerked himself back to the present and sought through the pile of clothing, finding the desired articles without a problem. With a gruff (well, it was intended to be gruff, it really came out rather husky) "be right back," he disappeared into the bathroom, reappearing a few minutes later clad in exercise pants and a button-up shirt, underclothes and all. He shot Quistis a grateful smirk and made to leave the room, only to be halted by her unforgiving tone, "Where do you think you're going?"

"Back… home…?" He ventured a guess, then wilted as he realized that he didn't want Squall to know about his condition. And here he was, still hoping to wake up any second and find that it was just a dream. Apparently his subconscious wasn't that kind. Damn.

She gestured to the couch and offered gently, "I could make up a bed for you to sleep here for a night. We'll figure everything out in the morning."

He accepted her proposal with a grateful, if awkward, smile, and found himself settled down to sleep on the pull-out couch a few minutes later. Looking around, he noticed that she had the full set-up of an officer's suite, exactly like Squall's dorm. He couldn't begrudge her the right – after all, she was the Head Instructor, she deserved the same privileges of Leonhart's Headmaster status.

So he settled into uneasy sleep, filled with dreams of familiar golden eyes and flashes of cruel smirks. The dream soon switched to an image of Selphie chasing him (in his male body, somehow) around, attempting to apply lipstick on his unwilling lips. He wasn't sure which dream was more of a nightmare.

He woke up fully aware of the situation, thankfully. He didn't want to undergo the 'what-the-crap-are-these-jugs-doing-on-my-chest' thing twice. Once was traumatic enough. Quistis was moving around in her bedroom, appearing a few minutes later in her normal skirt-pants-vesty-thing ensemble.

"I have to teach a class now," she told him directly, bustling around. "But Selphie will be here soon to take care of you. Feel free to make yourself breakfast, and don't touch anything else."

He nodded, letting a smirk settle on his lips just to freak her out, not planning to do anything devious. She was being trusting and open-minded enough to let him sleep in her room although there was no definite proof that he even was gender-confused-Seifer and not an impostor, which was more than he had expected of the strict, paranoid blonde. Maybe there was hope for ol' Quisty yet.

He waved her off and offhandedly wondered what it would be like to make out with her in this body, and how much gil they could make selling videos of it, and whether they could pass off as twins and charge extra for that. He had prettier eyes though, he realized as he stared at them in a mirror. Thankfully, he hadn't lost that sea-green shine to their jade depths. Squall… Squall had liked his eyes. He distracted himself from an anxiety-ridden panic attack over whether or not Squall would still like him now – oh Hyne, what if Squall didn't believe him – by cooking a full three-course breakfast.

Luckily, Selphie brought Irvine to breakfast with her so they could actually finish off the feast of food he prepared. Afterwards, Selphie dragged both men on an impromptu shopping spree involving many new sets of lingerie on Seifer's account and many bags that Selphie forced him to carry on Irvine's. Seifer hadn't liked shopping as a male, and he didn't like it any more now. Too many sycophantic, creepy, always-smiling salesladies following him around trying to fondle him while he wasn't paying attention. And now there were even more! But now there were men and women! It really wasn't cool.

Seifer had to be physically restrained from tearing apart a man limb-from-limb when he had slapped his ass in the dressing room of that one clothes store. Unfortunately for Seifer, he didn't have Hyperion on him, or else that guy would have been only a splatter of blood on the carpeted floor.

They returned to Garden for lunch, although Seifer wasn't comfortable enough in his new body to show up in public. Selphie disappeared for a few minutes and returned quickly enough with a tray loaded with food that they split three ways. It didn't take nearly as much to fill him up anymore, something which Seifer wasn't sure if he was happy about or not.

The real event of the day came at about 1400 when Zell knocked on Selphie's door looking for Irvine. The door swung open and the Chickenwuss saw Seifer and whistled appreciatively at the attractive stranger. Then Irvine explained succinctly exactly who that attractive stranger was.

Zell lay unconscious on the floor for a few minutes before anyone cared enough to wake him up. Seifer had never seen anyone faint quite so effectively before, although Squall had the annoying ability to lose consciousness on command. Still, Squall's collapses were always graceful and fluid.

Zell just… bam. Head, meet floor.

The Chickenwuss left pretty soon after regaining awareness, unable to meet Seifer's eyes. That was going to be the single benefit of this whole situation – tormenting the Chickenwuss who was unwilling to fight back anymore. Although that was all part of the challenge of it… aw, screw it, there were flat-out no benefits to this whole gender-switch thing. He did not envy girls their breasts. They were large and unwieldy and got in the way and Irvine couldn't stop staring at them, which annoyed Selphie, whose voice became higher-pitched from it, which gave Seifer a headache.

It was an interesting day for Seifer, to say the least. He spent most of it locked up in Selphie's room, but got bored of that pretty quickly and wandered around a bit. He was used to being stared at as a guy, and didn't mind it, but this kind of lustful, appreciative once-over of his body made him a tad bit uncomfortable. He took to glaring at people as he walked by them before they'd even made eye contact, which made him feel better about the whole situation. Now he saw why Squall glared at him for calling him pretty.

Squall… Hyne, what would Squally-boy say about the whole thing? He consciously knew that he didn't have anything to worry about, but… His whole life, he'd been competing with Leonhart. It defined a good part of who he was. Being Leonhart's equal was the core of his being. Without that, what did he have to match him up to Squall? What did he have to keep Squall's interest? He sure as hell couldn't match him with a gunblade, at least not until he learned to fight without getting his tits in the way of everything, and what else did he and puberty boy share, really? Would Squall break up with him over this?

Well, there was no way to tell until it happened, so he bid a reluctant farewell to Selphie at around 2200 and left her room without looking back, feeling her worried gaze following him until he turned a corner out of sight. He breathed a huff of relief. He didn't appreciate people's concern. He could take care of himself, Hyne-damnit.

So he shed his exercise pants and lay down to wait for Squall, apprehension beating a fast rhythm in his chest.


Author's Note: I reiterate: sorry it starts slow, and does anyone want to beta?

Constructive criticism is always appreciated, and any review at all would be wonderful.

In addition, I'm thinking about writing an AU fic where Cloud and Seifer are foreign exchange students that come to America and meet Zack and Squall. Chaotic hijinks ensue. Anyone interested in reading that?