DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GUNDAM
Warning: Some of the humor may offend you
APRILIUS ONE, APRILIUS CITY
The whole mansion is a fortress. Now that she is the new chair woman of the PLANTS, Lacus Clyne converted her home into an impenetrable fortress. Electrical fences, automatic gun turrets, spiked walls, land mines and whatnot. Her house is filled with every defensive weapon known to man. The once serene and calm landscape that envelops her house is now nothing but a cold and foreboding peace of dirt. Inside, Lacus reads a letter left by her lover and soul mate, Kira Yamato. Judging from her contorted and pained expression, she is definitely not pleased with the contents of the letter. Each word was like a dagger piercing her heart. Every time she finishes a sentence, she felt like a part of her died. She never felt this kind of pain before. Anyway, the letter reads like this:
Flay Allster called me last night and…well…it seems she wants to patch things with me. At first I was very surprised. I didn't know how to respond. So after a lot of thinking and sulking…and thinking…more sulking…I think I cried…then sulking again…I decided to give her one more chance. Now before you say anything, and how could you since I would be long gone after you finish this letter, I'm fully aware that she used and manipulated me. That I was under her manipulative female charm. I realized that…well…how am I gonna say this? Dammit! I don't know how to say it so I'm just gonna give it to you directly. She popped my man cherry, Lacus. Not counting Amuro Ray from the original novels, I am the first Gundam protagonist to have on-screen sex with a designated doomed girlfriend. Like I said I've done a lot of thinking, and I think giving Flay another chance is a decision I would never regret. I mean for fudge's sakes, Lacus! I know I sound like a total pig here but you're not giving me any. It's all about songs and love and pink and…whatever you try to achieve. As a man…well I am a man, right? As a man, I am entitled to listen to my primal urges. Do you know how many sleepless nights I think about episode sixteen of SEED? And when the compilation movies came out, I was pretty stoked when I saw the new footage of me and Flay getting it on. At the end of this letter I'm sure I have incurred your wrath and the wrath of the Kira x Lacus fans, but I have decided. This Christmas is a Christmas of new beginnings and I intend to begin something with Flay.
Kira "Beam Spammer God" Yamato
P.S. I am also tired of being your bitch boy.
"K-K-K-K-K-Kiraaaaaaaaa!!!" Lacus screamed at the top of her lungs while ripping the letter to shreds. "You two-timing bastard!" Clearly something snapped inside of her. The guards inside the room all gulped when they saw the crazed look on her face. "Christmas of new beginnings you say? Well I bet you're planning to have a nice date with that red headed hussy this Christmas! Not if I can help it. I got it! I got it! You won't be having a nice Christmas with that bitch IF I destroy Christmas! Yes…that's right. I'm gonna destroy Christmas and you will come crawling back to me. Oh Kira, I will definitely need to re-educate you again." She then points to one of the guards. "You there! I want you to gather all of the ZAFT commanders tonight!"
Neil "Lockon" Dylandy now spends most of his quiet times running his bar after season one of Gundam 00. Most of the establishment's denizens are weary soldiers. Battle hardened warriors who share their exploits and adventures over a glass of cold beer. Days after its opening, Lockon's bar became the number one hang out spot of the common cannon fodder. Grunts that are eager to escape the daily grindings of being blown up by an overpowered Gundam, usually being driven by an angsty bishounen kid. "So one year after Portrait of Ruin, Jonathan is spending his time with the Lecarde twins." A geeky Neo American soldier said to his comrades. "Since the Lecarde and the Morris families are supposed to be working together then I suggest we turn this doujin of ours into a romantic comedy of epic Castlevania proportions. Okay during one scene, Charlotte walks in and sees Jonathan "courting" the two sisters. At the same time."
"Oh that's just stupid, Jerry." One of his friends said. "I understand you're obsessed with Stella and Loretta but using a clichéd porn plot device is fudging lame. I swear next time you use another "walk in" I'm gonna ram this-
"Fudge you, Harold." Jerry flipped the bird at him. "I run this operation and I will do whatever the hell I want. If you back out on me, buddy, I'm gonna pee all over your Murphy unit."
"I'm done serving the drinks." Allelujah reported back to Lockon.
"Hey thanks for helping out, Al." The Irishman smiled at him. "It's a bit tough when Saji is not around. That boy may be weak willed but he sure is helpful."
"Where is he anyway?" Asked Allelujah.
"He's attending his school's Christmas party." He answered.
"Speaking of Christmas, you should at least put up some decorations inside the bar. We should be in the holiday spirits, Lockon."
"I'm fine with that." He pointed to a small Christmas tree on top of the bar. "Anyway, go back to the kitchen and make sure those Buffalo wings are done. Off duty OZ soldiers will be here soon and they love Buffalo wings."
"Roger that." He saluted and runs back to the kitchen.
"I guess it's time to watch the afternoon news." Lockon then grabs the remote and switches on the television.
Right on time. The anchorman is just starting with his reports. "The spokesperson of the Gundam Wing boys said that the rivalry between Ribbons and his skittle squad is not even worth a competition. Just because they're twice more girly doesn't mean they can issue a challenge to them in terms of "gaying" up the Gundam franchise. In other news, the city mayor announced that Cooking Mama is the most manliest video game ever. He also added that he would tap Mama on the behind and show her way around the kitchen. With those words, he proceeded to wink and thrust his crotch, imitating sexual intercourse. The mayor is currently in the ICU after receiving massive head trauma from his wife. And-
Suddenly a camera man approaches the newsman and whispers something to his ear. His eyes became wide afterwards and quickly ask for the immediate attention of the viewers.
"I have just been informed that ZAFT are now dropping most of their forces on Earth. We don't know what their intentions are but several cities have been leveled and destroyed. All citizens are ordered to evacuate immediately! I repeat-
The whole bar then suddenly started shaking as explosions and gunfire can be heard outside. Lockon turns off the TV and runs out of the bar to see what's going on. Several ZAFT mobile suits are now attacking the city. Citizens are running away from the chaos as the mobile suits destroy every Christmas decorations they can find. An AMF-101 DINN flies around while broadcasting a message from Lacus Clyne. "This is Lacus Clyne of the PLANTS. I decided that Christmas is evil so I order all citizens of Earth to stop celebrating the holiday, even the countries who don't celebrate Christmas. Failure to comply, my forces will incinerate you to your very bones. All of Earth's leaders will be sent to the re-education camps and each government will be replaced with a puppet leader, which is really an actual puppet. All military outposts should lower and surrender their weapons. Resistance is futile. To make things simple, stop celebrating Christmas or else you will face the consequences. That is all, maggots." The broadcast ends with a Lacus Clyne song. Fields of Hope to be exact.
"What in the hell is going on here?" Lockon exclaimed while scratching his head.
"This is bad." Allelujah said while watching a ZAKU Warrior torch a hardware store filled with Christmas decorations. "This is really bad."
"Oh dear! The pink princess is destroying Christmas!" Tieria said as he pops out of nowhere. "Oh Lockon-chan, she is destroying our love filled holiday! I never felt such horror! This is like the time when I invoked Rule 34 on Princess Princess. Of course, saying that is definitely an understatement."
"Oh fudge this." Lockon scoffed. "It has nothing to do with me anyway." He then pulls out a box of tissues. "Time to do a Kanon and Clannad marathon." Suddenly, a GM that got shot down by Lacus' forces crashes on his bar. The whole building blows up, leaving nothing but a smoldering crater on the ground.
"Oh dear." Allelujah gulped.
Dropping the tissue box, Lockon clenches both his fists. "Al, I want you to call Miss Sumeragi. Tell her we have a situation."
IN A DEPARTMENT STORE SOMEHWHERE…
Delusional ZAFT ace pilot, Shinn Asuka is busy braving the holiday shopping rush with the Hawke sisters. The young man grabs a cute white dress from the stalls and shows it to his girlfriend while grinning like an idiot. "This would definitely suit Mayu! Don't you agree, Luna?"
Nearly destroying the wall with her punch, Lunamaria glared at Shinn. "We came here to buy stuff for the holidays, you twit. Not to shop clothes for your dead little sister. I swear to God, the next time you do that I am so gonna rip out your intestines and use it to strangle you."
"Onee-chan, settle down please. Don't forget about your blood pressure." Meyrin tried to calm her down. "I'm sure Shinn was just joking."
"Yeah Luna-chan, you're starting to remind me of Relena." Shinn chuckled nervously.
While walking, the three passes by an electronics store. On the display section is a wide screen TV. The news was on and it's showing the current developments of the Lacus Clyne invasion. "The Sanc Kingdom was nearly razed to the ground. Most of the nation's government buildings have been taken over by Clyne's forces. There is still no word on the whereabouts of Lady Peacecraft. Last time she was seen, she was running around the city streets wielding a chainsaw and being chased by her servants. Also several other countries are defying the pink songstress and are still celebrating Christmas, telling the deranged Chairwoman to get bent. In other news, several nude photos of Master Asia have been leaked to net. Numerous cases of system crashes have been reported all around Neo Japan after the images were distributed. Turns out they're not so Neo after all and it took photos of a naked old man to prove that."
"Whoa." Shinn said. "What the heck is going on?"
"Beats me." Luna shrugged.
Suddenly, a ZGMF-X3000Q Providence ZAKU enters the mall by crashing through the roof. The mobile suit then proceeds to unleash its DRAGOONs and obliterates all of the Christmas decorations. The ZAKU then plays the same broadcast from Lacus as it continues to lay waste to anything that's Christmas. The ZAFT suit then targets the large Christmas tree on the middle of the mall. Bernard Wiseman and Christina Mackenzie are sitting on a bench below the tree while eating some ice cream. Alfred also tagged along and the three of them are oblivious to the ensuing chaos. "Christmas sure feels nice." Bernie said as he licks his ice cream.
"Darn tooting." Chris heartily agreed.
"As long no tragic stuff happens, I'm totally cool." Al added. The ZAKU contradicts them by shooting down the tree and it crashes down, squashing Steiner and his Cyclops team who happens to be sitting on the opposite side.
"Captain!" Bernie screamed in anguish. He then hides beneath a box and scurries away, leaving Christina and Al behind who are still enjoying their ice cream.
"That…didn't…make any sense." Meyrin raised an eyebrow while she, Luna and Shinn are taking cover from Providence ZAKU. "Anyway, why the hell is Lacus trying to destroy Christmas? And how come we haven't been informed of this? I mean we're ZAFT soldiers too."
"I don't know." Luna replied in a frustrated tone. "I think that pink haired freak finally snapped."
"So what are we gonna do now?" Asked Shinn. "Do we join up with the others and destroy Christmas too?"
"Hell no!" Luna stood up. "C'mon let's get to a safe place and re-think our strategy."
"Just shut-up and follow me!" She then drags the two as she charges outside the department store.
Saji and his classmates have erected a huge Christmas tree while celebrating the party on the middle of the campus. Tiel Noembreux leads the choir group as they sing Christmas songs. Her voice is heavenly as usual. "Thanks for the hard work." Louise gave Saji a can of juice.
"Thanks you." He accepted the can and drank the contents in one gulp. "Man, I feel alive again."
"So Saji, do you want to go somewhere after the party?"
"I dunno…maybe like a lovely stroll on the plaza or checking out the new coffee shop near the beach."
"Christmas is indeed a good time for youths in love." Ramba Ral slapped Saji's back while laughing. "Seize the moment, boy. Enjoy it fully."
"Y-Yes sir." He nervously nodded his head.
"Saji, just relax. No need to get all flustered. It's the holidays so you take it easy with Louise. Don't be a Scrooge like your physics professor, Anavel Gato." He then points to the gray haired Zeon ace sitting on one of the school benches, looking pissed and irritated like he always do.
"Bah! This is damn pointless!" Gato shouted. "This is so pointless! We should be plotting on how to take down those Federation bastards instead of celebrating this pointless holiday!"
"Gato, don't be like that." Gerald Sakai approached him. "You should be a good role model for the students. Here have some alcoholic eggnog." He then hands him a paper cup.
"Indeed. The Nightmare of Solomon should be keeping his composure." Johnny Ridden added. "This is a good party so we must enjoy at least. We'll kill those Feddie scum some other time, comrade. Though it's a shame Lady Kycillia couldn't make it."
"I guess you're right, Major Ridden." Gato lowered his head.
"Oh such beautiful comradeship!" Shin Matsunaga cried tears of joy. "Only Zeon soldiers are capable of such brotherhood."
"Oh indeed my Zeon comrade." Johnny said and they both have a manly hug.
"Uh…Saji." Louise tapped him on the shoulders. "Is it me or all of our teachers are soldiers from the Principality of Zeon?"
"Yeah." A big sweat drop appeared above Saji's head. "I just noticed it now. I guess I now know why the enrollment papers were peppered with the letter Z."
Mustering all her courage and taking this chance, Christina Sierra quickly approaches Saji and hands him a small Christmas present. "Saji-kun, please take this." Looking amused, Feldt Grace just giggles behind her. "I have decided that from now on, I'm going to be honest to myself. I will not hide my feelings anymore and I will make sure you will receive them! I, Christina Sierra, love you, Saji Crossroad! Ever since I laid my eyes upon you, I knew from that moment that you-
"Ahem." Louise cleared her throat. "This is really touching and all but I have to remind you that you're too late."
"There's no such thing as "too late" for love!" She pointed at her. "Louise Halevy, I hereby challenge you to a duel. A duel to win Saji-kun's love."
"If that's the case then I have already won." The blonde European smiled.
"Don't you find it amusing when your best friend is completely asinine?" Feldt whispered to Saji.
"Saji-kun, I will never ever give up. I'm hoping that one day you will realize my feelings." Christina then suddenly embraces the young man. "Oh my! Embracing and feeling your body is making my heart beat like crazy. I feel so hot all of a sudden."
"Hey get off my boyfriend!" Louise screamed.
"No you cannot pull us apart! Our love is strong! I will not let you corrupt Saji's heart anymore, you bovine princess! Your big boobs are totally messing up his mind!" Chris tried to fight back while Louise tries to pull her away from Saji.
Watching from afar, Lichtendahl Tsery cries after witnessing his long time crush, Christina, hug another guy. School guidance counselor, Cameron Bloom, patted the young man on the back in hopes of comforting him. "You and I are on the same boat, kid." He lamented.
Suddenly, a car crashes through the gates and nearly runs over the school Christmas tree. Panting and eyes twitching from anger, Kinue Crossroad steps out of the vehicle. "Hands off the baby brother, bitch." She growled at Chris.
"Miss Crossroad, this is the eleventh time you crashed your car through the school gates." A teacher angrily berated her. "You have-
Without any word, she gives the teacher a vicious elbow to the face. She then slowly marches towards Saji and Christina while gritting her teeth in anger. "Onee-san!" Saji gulped. "It's a good thing you managed to join the party."
"Hey what the heck is that?" A student pointed to the sky. "Is that a Zaku?"
Grabbing his binoculars, Ramba Ral gets a better view of the incoming object. "That's no Zaku, boy. No Zaku."
"For the love of fudge, Ramba! That joke is getting stale!"
Well Ramba was right since it wasn't really a Zaku. Heine Westenfluss' orange GOUF Ignited lands on the Christmas tree and destroys it. "Oh great. It's T.M. Revulsion." Ramba sighed in disappointment. A group of GINNs then land behind Heine's mobile suit.
"Hey what the heck is going on here?" Saji asked and grabs Louise's hand.
"You people all have failed to follow Lady Lacus' orders so therefore you all must be eliminated." The GINN mobile suits then aim their guns at Saji and company. "Anything that's related to Christmas must be destroyed! Hail Mistress Lacus! Hail the pink songstress!"
And that ends the prologue. Instead of doing a one shot, I plan to do something special since its Christmas time. The scene with the Neo American soldiers in Lockon's bar is obviously a reference to Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin. I'm a big fan of Akumajo Dracula so I decided to throw in a random reference. Tieria also mentions Princess Princess here. It's a shoujo anime about boys dressing up as…uh…girls in an all boy's school. If you're into that stuff then check it out. I'm sure everybody knows about Kanon and Clannad. They're two moe filled melodramatic anime shows based on visual novel games by Key. Lockon pulled out a tissue box because he knows he's surely gonna cry after watching those shows. Not engage in a fapping session. Of course that would hilariously stupid if he really did that since one of those shows is based on an eroge.
The ZGMF-X3000Q Providence ZAKU is from SEED Destiny MSV. Bernie Wiseman, Christina Mackenzie, Alfred Izuruha, Steiner Hardy and the Cyclops team are from Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket.
Anavel Gato is from Gundam 0083: Stardust Memories, Johnny Ridden, Shin Matsunaga and Gerald Sakai are from Gundam MSV. Cameron Bloom is a character from the original MSG and he appeared again in Char's Counter Attack. Tiel Noembreux is from the Gundam Wing side story manga, Tiel's Impulse.
I didn't put the usual tasteless and crappy humor since it's just a prologue. The story really starts on the first chapter so be sure to catch it if you can stomach my god-awful writing. Anyway, see ya next time and Happy Holidays!