oil gently, rub well

"Kurosaki-kun and Renji-san were practicing fighting again today," Orihime announced as she set the table.

"Really?" Rangiku heaved a yawn. Her blouse creaked. "Did you see them?"

Orihime shook her head. "But I heard them talking about it." She put out the soy sauce and the chili oil. "Tell me, Rangiku-san. Is it really important to oil your sword? I've never had a zanpakutou so I don't know, and I certainly wouldn't oil my hairpins!"

"Well, you have to take care of your zanpakutou." Matsumoto poured tea for both of them. "Though you don't want to oil it too much. Were they talking about that too?"

Orihime nodded. "Renji was all, have you oiled your sword, and Ichigo was heck, yes, I oiled it, and have you oiled your sword, I bet you didn't oil it last time, you naughty so-and-so --"

"Naughty so-and-so?" Rangiku blinked.

Orihime put the tips of her fingers to her lips. "Well, maybe that wasn't quite what they said, but I wouldn't want to repeat those words."

"All right," Rangiku said, making a mental note to call Abarai-kun 'you naughty so-and-so' at the next meeting, or whenever would embarass him most. "So they were just talking about oiling their swords?"

Orihime nodded. She lifted the saucepan lid and prodded at the tofu simmering inside. "And then Renji was, okay, so this time I oiled it more, so now you can rub it --"

"Rub it?" Rangiku asked slowly.

"Oh yes," Orihime said. "And he was all, yes, that's it, rub it slowly, ooh, urgh, urg, and all that sort of thing, and I would have told him that wasn't very helpful, but you know how annoying men are when you try to explain that sort of thing about criticism to them! And then he said, right, now give me yours, and Ichigo started groaning."

Rangiku shut her eyes. It didn't help.

"And Renji said, look, I wouldn't do this for most people, but you just have to learn how to clean your zanpakutou properly. I don't blame you for not wanting to learn from that Urahara bastard."

"Nor do I," Rangiku muttered.

"Yes, that was totally what I thought!" Orihime said brightly. "So I popped my head over the wall and asked if I could clean their zanpakutou for them too!"

Rangiku opened her eyes again. Orihime didn't look as if she'd walked in on a scene of soul-searing sensuality, or even two shinigami having a bit of quiet behind-the-wall sex. "And?" she said, dreading the answer.

"They were so messy," Orihime said disapprovingly. "And they were holding each others' zanpakutou while they rubbed them clean. And they jumped right up in the air when they realised I was there!"

"Well, you see, Orihime," Rangiku said, biting her tongue hard, "handling another person's zanpakutou is very intimate. Very private. They were probably just startled."

"Oh," Orihime said.

"So it's probably a good thing that you left there and then," Rangiku said hopefully.

"Actually," Orihime said, "I'm meeting them tomorrow so they can polish my hairpins."