Day of the Decepti-Kitties
This story started on one particular day on planet Earth, a nice sunny day except in those really cold and dark places and maybe the south pole depending what season it is, when at least a quarter of the human race thought that the end had finally come. By tea-time it went up to at least half of the human race and it was presumed that on the next day around breakfast or brunch the entire world would run around, screaming that the end was nigh and throw cakes at each other for no good reason. The culprit, or should I say culprits, for this sudden panic is none other than Earth's unwanted guest, the Decepticons, led by the evil Megatron and-
Megatron: Hey hold it! That's it!?
Megatron: You're just gonna say I'm evil? What about cruel, powerful and wickedly handsome to boot!?
AutobotV: Well "evil" says it all Megatron, stop being so greedy all the time, you can't have everything!
Megatron: I WANT EVERYTHING! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!
AutobotV: GO SIT IN THE CORNER!
Megatron: I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE CORNER!
AutobotV: GET OR I'LL BITCH-SLAP YOU BACK TO CYBERTRON!
Sorry about that...anyway the Decepticons were led bt the evil Megatron and his foul army of Decepticon soldiers, all of them bent on total universal conquest. Of course they had their enemy to deal with first, the valiant Autobots were the only thing that stood in their way between victory and they were great at playing Earth sports. These courageous Autobots were led by the great, kind and handsome Optimus Prime and his-
Megatron: What the slag! He gets all the good stuff and I get one word!
AutobotV: GET BACK IN THE CORNER!
Megatron: I hate you.
Anyway the great, kind and handsome Optimus Prime-
Megatron: He hasn't even got a face!
AutobotV: SHUT UP AND GET IN YOUR CORNER!
And his brave Autobots protected the Earth from the Decepticons evil (but crap) plans.
Megatron: They weren't all crap!
AutobotV: YOU'RE ON YOUR LAST WARNING HERE!
But nothing could prepare the Autobots for Megatron's most diabolical plan yet, I mean at this point I wouldn't be surprised if he had given up yet but he thought up a plan so wicked it sends shivers up my spine...but it was still a crap plan.
Megatron: SCREW YOU!
AutobotV: THAT'S IT!
And with that AutobotV bitch slapped Megatron all the way back to Cybertron so she could continue her story about the Decepticons foul plan, one that could possibly destroy the Autobots once and for all.
Before the human race thought that their 5 million years on Earth was over the Decepticons were planning and plotting in their under water base, except for Starscream who was in the kitchen baking some Energon cookies whilst Soundwave was grooming Ravage. Also Thundercraker and Skywarp were playing on the playstation and the Constructicons were playing with their toy blocks...OK they weren't really planning and plotting they were just doing what they did every day, fuck all!
Starscream: You can't say that word in this fic.
AutobotV: I'm not repeating the BEEP thing again!
In the kitchen Starscream was just about to add the finishing touches to his sweet treats when all of a sudden he heard the not so charming voice of his leader over the Com system.
'STARSCREAM, GET YOUR AFT UP HERE NOW!' boomed Megatron's voice.
Starscream snarled in anger but left his cookies behind to answer his leaders call, he knew by the time he got back his cookies would be gone but he rather loose them than loose his head. He knew that Megatron had bad timing but this was ridiculous, he had told him he was in the middle of baking but did Megatron care? No, of course he didn't. Arriving in Megatron's chambers he found his leader looking at his wrist for some strange reason.
'What the slag do you want and why are you looking at your wrist?' snapped Starscream.
Megatron looked up and shook his head, almost annoyed.
'That took you 2 minutes and 45 seconds to get here from the kitchen, pathetic Starscream, really pathetic.'
Starscreams jaw dropped.
'You called me up here so you could time how long it would take for me to get here from the kitchen!? I had to walk 7 miles to get here, do you have any idea how big this place is!? And what has that got to do with looking at your wrist!?'
At that point Megatron held up his arm to revel to his second in command that he was wearing a watch. He waved it in Starscream's face as if he was proud to be wearing it for some stupid reason.
'I timed you with this you fool! With this incredible device I can time anything from anywhere without looking for a clock!'
There was a long silence in Megatron's room for a moment until Starscream broke it.
'WHY THE SLAG DO YOU NEED A WATCH!?'
'So I can time how long it takes for you to get here! Isn't it great, I had to use a few Energon cubes to get it but it was worth it. Swindle did tell me it was the next big thing, not even Prime has one! Anyway that isn't important right now, I have some news Starscream.'
Trying not to snap and grab the nearest thing to smack around his leader's head, Starscream remained cool and calm as he listened to what his leader had to say. Megatron stood as there with his fists clenched and an evil glow in his optics and said six words that made Starscream's optics roll.
'I have come with a plan.'
'Oh here we go.' groaned Starscream, slapping his on face.
'It's a great plan and I know that with this plan we will destroy the Autobots once and for all.' gloated Megatron cackling away like he normally did.
'That's what you said about the other plans.' sighed the Seeker.
'There's not a moment to waste, call the other Decepticons up here at once Starscream! They must all hear my brilliant plan!'
'Wait- WHAT!? Just call them up here over the Com system like you did with me! Why do I have to get them!?'
'Don't question me you dolt and get to it!'
Well after that Starscream was prepared to nuke Megatron along with himself but he just went with it and rounded up all the Decepticons to Megatron's room, the whole thing took him at least half the day according to Megatron's amazing new watch and much to the Seeker's annoyance. After everyone had assembled Megatron began to revel his master plan.
'My loyal Decepticons...today I have come up with a grand plan, one that will destroy the Autobots once and for all!' cackled Megatron.
At that point he pulled out his infamous white board that had the title "Megatron's Master Plan" written on it. As Megatron gloated about his new (crap) plan, Soundwave waved his hand.
'What is it Soundwave?' asked Megatron, with a smirk.
Soundwave stood up, holding Ravage in one hand who was snuggled up against his chest and purring away like a little kitten. Soundwave spoke, almost afraid with what he was about to say.
'Sorry Lord Megatron...but that's what you called the plan last time.'
Megatron's smirk vanished.
'Yep, and that failed...big time...in fact it was your worst plan yet!'
Megatron cringed, he didn't want to jinx this plan, it was the best one he had come up with. Grabbing a pen he quickly scribbled another word on the board. Standing back, it now read "Megatron's Awesome Master Plan" with a star above it. Turning back to Soundwave Megatron now saw Thundercraker's hand up.
'What is it TC!?' snapped Megatron.
'That was the name of the plan last year Megatron, you came back from that one sulking!'
Megatron snarled and once again changed the name, this time to "Megatron's Awesome Wicked Master Plan" with another star and a little robot. Turning back he saw some hands raised at which point he almost snapped the pen. After some time discussing the name the Decepticon's finally helped Megatron come up with the perfect name for his plan that hadn't been used yet.
'Alright then,' sighed Megatron, 'Let me tell you all what "Megatron's Awesome Wicked Totally Great Ultimate Incredible Supreme Amazing Stupendous Spectacular Wonderful Magical Eye-Popping Plan Mark 3 is all about!'
The Decepticons all sat up, all waiting for Megatron to catch his breath so he could begin his plan.
Megatron: Since when did robots have lungs?
AutobotV: Oh shut it Mister No Imagination!
Megatron: No imagination!? Have you not seen the name of my new plan!?
AutobotV: Yes and my fingers hurt from writing it all down!
Megatron stood up in his tall and evil way as he spoke of his...I not writing it down again...plan.
'My Decepticons, as you know time and time again the Autobots manage to beat us from taking over this planet and stealing it's Energy. I mean we even tried to steal Energy from the Sun but they still stopped us, apparently we're not entitled to Solar Energy. So I thought of a brilliant plan to stop them from harming us ever again!'
Skywarp raised his hand.
'How are you planning to stop them from harming us?' asked the black Seeker.
Megatron grinned and he leaned in close to his soldiers and they leaned in towards him, to hear his solution.
'Simple, those Autobots won't harm anything...cute.'
There was long silence.
'What?' asked Starscream, not impressed.
'I said the Autobots won't harm anything that is cute, my plan is to turn my entire Decepticon army into an adorable army of cute soldiers an army the Autobots won't dare touch! They'll be blinded by how cute you all will be!'
The room suddenly got quiet for quite some time. Soundwave looked like he was about to faint, Thundercarker couldn't speak and Skywarp hit the floor hard. Starscream stood up and suddenly screamed,
'THAT IS THE DUMBEST PLAN I HAVE EVER HEARD!'
'I didn't ask for your opion Starscream!' snapped Megatron, 'One way or another, you're all gonna look cute and adorable wither you like it or not!'
The Decepticons jaws dropped, they didn't want to look cute, they were supposed to be evil and scary, this plan was going to ruin their image big time. Had Megatron finally flipped? In my opinion he already has!
Megatron: Slag you bitch!
AutobotV: I can write whatever I want you bucket head!
Megatron: Oh how orignal...like I never heard that one before!
Starscream: Megatron stop it, she's the writer!
Megatron: And she's a crap one!
AutobotV: GO TO HELL!
Megatron: MAKE ME!
---------------------------------------- Please standby, We're in the middle of technical difficulties, please standby-------------------------------
Oh thank god that's over...after their base was almost destroyed by a tidal wave, an indoor monsoon, vampire robots, a sudden indoor solar storm, a black hole appearing from no where and an attack of giant metal eating monsters, the Decepticons all regrouped in Megatron's now soaking wet room with Long Haul sitting in the corner of the room, rocking to and fro and muttering over and over that he had witnessed hell.
'What the slag were you thinking of Megatron! You made the writer unleash hell upon all of us!' wailed Starscream.
'The bitch started it! Anyway we're all alive aren't we?' snapped Megatron.
However at that point one of the Constucticons appeared with whatever remained of one of Megatron's Decepticons.
'Sorry sir we lost Reflector in the battle' sobbed Scavenger.
'He was ripped apart by the giant metal eating monsters and thrown into the black hole that suddenly appeared' wailed Hook.
'Who gives a slag about him, anyway back to the plan. Soundwave I want you to send Laserbeak out to observe up on cute things and Starscream, I want you to take the Seekers to the nearest library to study up on it too! I must know everything about how to look cute!'
Soundwave saluted and ran off but Starscream had something to point out to his leader.
'Megatron, I can't get inside a library, I'm too big!'
'Then loose some weight you over sized pig!' snarled Megatron.
Those words sent Starscream running off in tears with Thundercraker and Skywarp following. Megatron cackled evilly to himself, soon his plan will come into fruition and he will destroy the Autobots once and for all.
Time ticked on, according to Megatron's new watch and so far no one came back from their studies on the cute factor that was the Autobot weakness. He had the Constructicons clean up the base after they hosted a funeral for the recently killed Reflector, who had died in the sudden hell that was unleashed after Megatron bad-mouthed the writer.
'He was such a little guy, turning into a camera like that...nobodies gonna remember him after this but I will...they may never feature him in those famous comics like Spotlight or whatever...but he will be remembered!' sobbed Mixmaster.
At that moment two Reflector's suddenly showed up holding bags, a little confused to see their base in such a mess and a little horrified to see that their brother was in the middle of a wake, or whatever remained of him.
'What the slag happened here?' asked one of the Reflector's.
The Constructicons looked up almost horrified to see two Reflector's standing there with shopping bags and they all suddenly jumped up in horror.
'Dear Primus it's his ghosts!' screamed Scrapper.
'And he's carrying the bag of shopping we asked him to get him 2 days ago!' wailed Long Haul.
Megatron grumbled as the Constructicons ran around the base, screaming as loud as they could whilst the two Reflectors chased after them trying to figure out what was going on. What was taking the Decepticons so long to figure out what it took to be cute? Time ticked on and then to Megatron's joy he heard the sound of jet engines and within two minutes Starscream, Thundercraker and Skywarp appeared, carrying books on how to be cute.
'Took you long enough!' snapped Megatron.
'Well we couldn't fit inside the library!' wailed Starscream, still upset with what Megatron had said that morning.
'Oh who cares, just tell me what you learnt!'
Thundercraker stepped forward and began to read out some notes.
'Well female humans are the ones who love the idea of being cute and their idea of cute is small things, kittens, puppies, dolls, small deformed things that the Japanese call chibi's and they have huge eyes with small limbs.'
'Yeah and they like them wearing little pink ribbons and wearing big pink puffy dresses or sometimes wearing gothic dresses and such.!' voiced Skywarp.
Megatron paced the room, taking in all the information that the Seeker's had given him and viewed some of the pictures of cute little animals and puffy dresses, a lttle disturbed by them all, well what do you expect he's evil.
'These humans are indeed disturbing and weird' muttered Megatron.
'Well what do you expect, they all soft and plushey' grumbled Starscream.
'If we are to succeed we need an expert in the field...and I only know one person who can help me!' sighed Megatron.
Yep, I know who he's talking about and he can bloody forget it, there is no way in hell that she would help you after what you called me...I mean her!
Megatron: Oh come on, I'm sorry just help me!
Megatron: Please...I'm trying my hardest here!
AutobotV: Well...OK...on one condition...kiss Starscream.
AutobotV: Opened mouthed with glossa action...and I'll give you some advice...I'm doing this for the fangirls y'know.
Megatron moaned in agoney and looked at Starscream a little uneasy and freaked out. Stascream was blushing a little and fiddling his thumbs after hearing such a demanding request. Trying to make this quick Megatron grabbed Stascream and crashed his lips against the Seekers and forced his glossa into his mouth. Their glossa's caressed each others as Starscream's face heated up. His hands began to roam up and down the Seeker's wings and he drew his body closer and closer until-
Megatron: THAT'S IT I'M DONE!
AutobotV: Aw but I was just warming up!
Megatron: You got what you wanted! Now give me the advice.
AutobotV: Alright fine...
So while I gave Megatron the advice Soundwave had also heard how much fan-girls, who were experts of understanding what it takes to be cute, loved kittens and small soft big-eyed things. So he trailed after some kittens in an alley and studied their movements and behaviour, writing it down on his notepad.
'Kittens, or Kitties as the fan-girls like to call them like milk, make mewing noises and make a rather adorable movement with their paws when cleaning. They like chasing small cotten mice like things...and fo some reason they like rubbing their bodies up against me.'
Trying to escape the cuteness of the kittens that followed him, mewing like mad, Soundwave ran off and looked inside a shop window where dolls with deformed bodies and huge eyes sat on the shop window, a place where fan-girls liked to gather.
'Fan-girls also love these strange plushy things...very strange.'
At that moment a fan-girl came out the store, who was a Soundwave fan big-time, and was about to walk off until she noticed the gigantic form of her idol standing right outside the shop.
'KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It's Soundwave!' screamed the fan-girl.
The sudden scream made Soundwave fall over in shock giving the kittens a chance to pounce on him and snuggle up against, mewing and purring. The fan-girl pulled out her camera and started taking photos of her idol covered in kittens.
'KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Kitties and Soundwave combined! Kawai heaven!'
Back in the base Megatron was putting everything he had learned on a white board whilst Starscream sat in the corner a little confused, I don't blame him he was tainted with sin after all. After a second or two Soundwave appeared, covered in kittens and trying to kick a screaming fan-girl off his leg.
'What the slag is that Soundwave?' shouted Megatron.
'KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It's Megatron!' screamed the fan-girl.
'Primus she sounds worse than Starscream!' wailed Thundercraker.
'KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It's the Seeker's!'
Soundwave finally kicked the girl off his leg and gave his report to Megatron.
'Sir, cats, plushies and that screaming noise they make is their idea of cute!' wailed Soundwave, distressed after what he had to go through to get the information for his leader.
Megatron smirked and dismissed his Decepticons so he could work out how he was going to make his soldiers cute. Kittens, small, deformed, plusies, big eyes, puffy pink dresses and a screaming noise fan-girls make...indeed this cute thing was not something to be underestimated. After thinking it through Megatron summoned all of his Decepticons to the big room...the really big room...y'know...where they plan stuff...anyway all the Decepticons attended as Megatron unfolded his plan.
'Is everyone here?' demanded Megatron.
'Everyone including Reflector's twin ghost's!' wailed Scrapper.
'Anyway I have come up with how we're going to look cute so the Autobots won't even think about harming us!' gloated Megatron.
He turned on the big-ass computer to revel blue-prints of some sort of machine that made Starscream's skin crawl.
Starscream: I don't have skin!
Autobot: Don't you start on me!
Megatron began to gloat as he explained to his troops of what the machine did.
'This machine will turn a scary, ugly and terrible Decepticon like yourselves into small, deformed cute little Decepticons with kitty ears and big optics that will light up with pure radience and if need be it I'll have tailored made pink puffy dressed with ribbons and bonnets made and we will march! March and destroy everything! We will defeat the Autobots with the power of everything cute! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'
There was a big-ass silence in the room now as the Decepticons gaped at their leaders plan.
'There is no slagging way I'm wearing a dress.' sneered Thundercraker.
Not if I don't have anything to do with it, what's gonna happen next anyway? Will the Autobots be defeated by the sheer cuteness of the Decepticons? Find out next time!