A/N: This will have many pairings, some I'm for, some that're just popular, etc. But the main focus will be on those dealing with the Boys. Just to let you know it won't really focus on a main couple, but all couples will be gay. Also, this is NOT a self-insert. The character who will be in question is just a stereotype.
"Dude, have you ever noticed how impossibly gay South Park is?"
Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters all paused and looked up from their lunches to Cartman, who'd posed the question.
"What?" Stan questioned flatly, yet bewildered.
"Excuse me?" Kyle questioned, simply bewildered.
"Seriously guys, look around." Cartman went on unphased, gesturing to the lunchroom he'd previously been scanning. "We've got way more homos around here than any other place I know. Big Gay Al, Mr. Slave, Clyde, Craig, Tweek, Pip, Wendy, Butters-"
Here Butters opened his mouth to try and say something, but Cartman just kept on going.
"-Stan, Kyle, Sparky, Token, Mr. or Mrs. or whatever Garrison, only it can't seem to pick a side-"
"Cartman!" interjected Kyle, much more strongly than Butters, "Most of those people aren't gay! You're just listing off people you hate!"
"Nu-uh!" argued Cartman, "I hate Kenny and he's not on my list..!"
"(But I would do a guy if there was money involved, or I was feeling kinky.)" input Kenny.
"Right," agreed Cartman, "which makes you a bi whore which makes you only half gay, which is why you're not on the list of full-fledged homos. But I still hate you."
Kenny furrowed his brow in silence.
"Whatever Cartman," Kyle brushed off, "you're still just naming people off. I mean, how many people are on this list of yours anyway? Everyone I'll bet. Oh, and also, for the twenty trillionth time, Stan and me are not gay, we're best friends."
"U-uh, what about me fellas?" Butters meekly put forth, hoping for some defense.
"Shut up Butters." Stan said crossly.
"Y'know what Cartman?" Kyle went on, "I bet you're the one who's gay. You just accuse everyone else as a way to deny it and hide from the truth. Cuz you're a big baby who won't admit he's got problems like everyone else."
Cartman flustered. "Eh..w..wah..dyeeeh suck my balls, bitch!" he spouted.
Kyle bravely and relentlessly countered, "There's another thing. Why are you always so eager to have me suck your balls? Never anyone else, just me. If that doesn't prove you're gay, I don't know what does. I mean, not only do you want a guy to suck your balls, but you want a specific guy."
There was a brief quiet, then Kenny started laughing himself silly. Stan commented, "..That's gross dude." to the table in general, while Cartman and Butters stared in shock. But Cartman's expression quickly turned to outrage.
"You lame-assed crappy piece of Jew-dus!" he exploded, and leapt at Kyle over the table, knocking them both over and instigating a very violent fight.
Butters cried out and covered his eyes. Stan exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" and gaped at the two tusslers. Kenny just fell off his seat and laughed harder.
Outside the counselor's office, Craig sat by the door and groaned, while inside, Kyle and Cartman found themselves seated in front of Mr. Mackey's desk, where the counselor was addressing them, and seemed to be rubbing away the last of a headache.
"Now boys, you know fighting's wrong, m'kay?" he lectured, "Any problems you have can be worked out peacefully. Would you mind telling me why you two felt the need to resort to violence?"
"Fucking Jew-dus over there called me gay!" yelled Cartman, pointing an accusing finger at Kyle.
"You are gay, Fat Boy!" retorted Kyle, "And stop calling me a Jew-dus!"
"Boys, boys..!" interjected Mr. Mackey, "Please, no more name calling, m'kay? Words can be hurtful, m'kay? Now I want you both to calm down so we can talk about our feelings. Now Eric, why do you suppose Kyle said what he did?"
"Cuz he's a Jew-dus, that's why!" Cartman shot.
"Alright alright, I dunno why. To be a jerk?"
"Dude, you were calling everyone else gay before I said anything!" Kyle broke in.
"Kyle, wait your turn, m'kay?" said Mr. Mackey, "Eric, you seem quite upset by Kyle's remark. Do you think maybe it's because you're being defensive? I mean have you ever felt yourself having homosexual leanings? M'kay.."
Cartman blinked. "Say what?! I though this was about the fight!" Kyle chuckled at Cartman's obvious discomfort.
"It is." assured Mr. Mackey, "You see sometimes when our emotions are toyed with, we lash out at others, m'kay? When Kyle called you gay, maybe it hit close to home and you lashed out at him because you're already fighting your own inner struggle, and you don't need extra reminders of your stress, m'kay? Like this morning I totally punched out some homeless bitch for that same reason. M'kay."
Cartman, who had been listening with increasing anger, now tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow, saying curiously, "Ehh, excuse me?"
"You're having trouble with homosexual feelings Mr. Mackey?" Kyle asked, surprised.
"Huh?" Mr. Mackey questioned, "Oh..uh,no! I mean, uh, forget I said anything, m'kay?"
Seeing an opportunity, Cartman put on a caring face and folded his hands and legs in a business-like fashion. "Ohh, noo Mr. Mackey, please do go on. We're all here to help one another, remember? Share your problems..share them."
"Y-yes that is true..m'kay.." Mr. Mackey fiddled with his fingers, suddenly seeming to be the child here. "Well ok, but only if you promise not to laugh."
"Nooo Mr. Mackey, of course not." Cartman said warmly, "Now please, tell me all about it."
"Hey, wait." Kyle interrupted, "Aren't we getting a little off topic here?" He was ignored.
Mr. Mackey still looked at his hands, but he began to unfold his story to the boys. "Alright. Well, there's this one person, um, guy, m'kay, well, he has a lot of problems, and being a counselor I felt it my duty to help him. M'kay? I mean I like to help people, right? It's my job."
Cartman nodded and motioned for him to continue.
"Right, so I started seeing him for regular appointments. And I really started looking forward to them, m'kay, cuz every time I'd see him he'd always have like a million new little problems, m'kay? I-I just think it's so adorable the way he'd worry about all this stupid stuff, m'kay? I'd never seen anyone so insecure and, I don't know, it just sort of, turns me on, m'kay?"
Kyle was gaping at Mr. Mackey with a look of pure stun. Cartman, meanwhile, nodded and stroked his chin. "Yes, I see.." he said agreeably, "And what was your reaction to discovering you felt these things for this man?"
"Well, at first it was real easy to deny myself, but after a while it just got really difficult, m'kay? Especially once I noticed this guy was continuously looking at me too, m'kay? Like checking me out in the faculty locker room and such." He gasped. "Oh! I see what you're saying, m'kay! You're saying I shouldn't care who I have feelings for, because it's the feelings themselves that matter! M'kay, I should just accept them." He stood, seeming to puff with confidence. "And, since I already know he's got something for me, m'kay, I should stop being a wimp and just go confront him! Well you're right! I'm gonna go do that right now m'kay!" He trooped to the door, added a quick "Thank you Mr. Cartman!" and was gone, leaving the two boys sitting alone.
"He didn't even give us detention. Sweet." Cartman smiled evilly. Kyle continued to stare into space.
School was out. The Boys were running around playing tag by Stark's Pond. Or rather, most of them were. Kyle sat under a tree looking pensive, and didn't react when Cartman ran up and smacked him, then bounced eagerly, waiting to be chased. When Kyle didn't chase him, Cartman got mad.
"Kyle!" he shouted, smacking him again, meanly this time, "Hey, Jew-hole! What the hell's wrong with you? Ever since we came back from the office you been acting all funny!"
Having been jarred from his thoughts, Kyle looked at his friends, all of which had assembled around him to see what the holdup was.
"Dude," he directed at Cartman, "Mr. Mackey loves Mr. Garrison."
"Oh, is that who he was talking about? I wasn't really listening." Cartman shrugged.
"Wait, what?" input Stan, "Mackey loves Garrison? When the heck did that happen?"
"I know dude!" agreed Kyle, "That's what's weird! All of a sudden, bam! Mr. Mackey's gay. You'd think we'd at least have gotten a couple of lead-up episodes."
Cartman scoffed. "So the guy randomly decides he's gay, who cares? Weirder things've happened."
"Yeah but," Kyle pressed, "I can't help but think there's something else to it. Nothing's ever that simple in South Park, and if it is something then I want to stop it before it gets out of hand."
"Forget it." Cartman told him crossly. "Nothing's happening."
"(He's actually kinda right dude.)" Kenny said, "(You don't know if anything's happened yet. It's just one thing; it could be a coincidence. Don't worry about it until you're sure.)"
Kyle mulled this over. "Y'know, you're right Kenny. Thanks."
"Great, now get off your god damn ass and chase me!" ordered Cartman.
"Y-yeah. Yeah, sure." Kyle said, standing, and he ran after Cartman. Kenny followed and Stan was about to, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Surprised, he turned around, and was even more surprised to find Gregory standing there and smiling at him. Stan gaped.
"Dude!" he exclaimed, "What the heck are you doing back here? I thought you left forever or something!"
"Yes, I was meant to have." explained Gregory, "But I just had to return, I just had to. I had to come back to this place. To you." He stepped forward, causing Stan to step back.
"Um, excuse me?" Stan questioned uncomfortably.
"Oh Stan, don't you see?" Gregory said, suddenly filled with passion. He took Stan's collar and thrust him against the tree. "I love you! I've always loved you! I only ever hung around that bitch Wendy as a means to get close to you! ..Unfortunately you seemed to find me somewhat of a jerk." he added thoughtfully, but then went on, "But that matters not now. I'm being as direct as I can. Stan, I love you. Please say you'll love me back."
Absolutely dumbfounded, Stan started to reply "What? Hell no!" but suddenly a wave of dizziness overcame him, cutting him off. He gave a small groan and rubbed his head, then looked back to Gregory, who still awaited an answer. Stan, now calm, replied, "I..I will. I do. I love you too Gregory, and I always have. Sorry if it seemed like I hated you."
Gregory beamed. "It is of no importance." he said, letting Stan up and then offering his hand, "Come, now that we've cleared that up, let us go celebrate with a frolic through the park."
As Stan took Gregory's hand, Gregory stole a chaste kiss, leaving Stan blushing in shock as he was led away. Meanwhile behind him, his friends ran and played in the snow, oblivious to the whole thing.
The next day, Cartman and Kenny stood alone by the bus stop. Cartman yawned and smacked his lips. Nothing of interest was happening.
Then, after a few moments, Kyle came up to join them. He paused, then approached Kenny and asked, "Hey Kenny. Where's Stan?"
Kenny was taken aback. "(Wha? How the heck should I know?)" he asked back.
"Well, I guess he went home early or something yesterday, so I went to his house this morning to make sure he wasn't sick or anything." Kyle explained, "He wasn't there, and his mom said he slept over at some orange kid's house. I figured she meant you. I mean who else could it be?"
"(I dunno dude but it's not me.)" answered Kenny.
"Don't look now, but here comes your answer." broke in Cartman, indicating screen right. Kyle and Kenny looked, and all three of them stared as Stan took his place at the bus stop, hand in hand with Gregory.
"Hey dudes." greeted Stan casually.
"Yes, good morning to you all." added Gregory politely. They met with continued gawking.
At last, Kyle spoke. "Stan," he flatlined, "where did Gregory come from and why are you holding hands with him?"
"'Gregory'?" questioned Cartman, "Wait, we know this kid?"
Kyle turned to reply, "Yeah, don't you remember? We met him during the Canadian War. After Stan won Wendy back from him, he inexplicably disappeared."
Cartman thought. "Which Canadian War? The one with the internet?"
"No no, the one with the Baldwins and Saddam Hussein and my Mom going all crazy." tried Kyle. "The one that was a musical."
"(And had Kenny dying for our sins..?)" hinted Kenny. He was spared a glance.
"..yeah so, which one?" Cartman asked again.
Getting a bit irked, Gregory cut in, "Anyway, getting back to your question, Stan is holding hands with me for the obvious reason. We're together." Here the gawking began anew. There was silence, silence…
"HA!" burst Cartman, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I knew it! Well Kyle, Stan's seeming pretty gay right here. Where's your defense now? You ain't got nothing!"
"Shut up Cartman!" spat Kyle, "I haven't heard Stan actually say anything about this yet. I know he's not gay; there has to be a reason for this."
"Nn-no dude. I'm gay." chipped in Stan.
Stunned, Kyle turned to face his friend. "W-wha?"
"Yeah, I guess I just, never noticed before." Stan told them, "But then Gregory showed up and told me he loved me and..bam..! I knew." He smiled at Gregory, who smiled back, and the two began a light make-out session. Kyle seemed paralyzed while Cartman went "Eeeew, gross!" and started making gag noises.
Kenny said, "(Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.)"
Throughout the school day Kyle was filled with more and more disbelief. Stan spent almost no time with the group. He sat with Gregory in class, played with him at recess, walked with him in the halls and ate alone with him during lunch, almost always holding his hand. But it wasn't just Stan and Gregory that were causing Kyle grief.
Everywhere he looked that day it seemed that some new gay couple had sprung up. Pip and Tweek could be seen sweetly gallivanting about. Clyde and Token made out openly by the lockers. Even girls like Wendy and Bebe were seen romancing. Gay couples were everywhere!
That day also happened to hold the record for most students seeing Nurse Gollum about headaches.
As the day ended, Kyle was certain something weird was going on. He, Cartman and Kenny left the building and headed for home, passing Mr. Mackey along the way, who waved happily to them from his clinging position at Mr. Garrison's side. After seeing this, Kyle stopped.
"Alright, that does it." he said, causing his friends to stop also and look back at him, "There is definitely something going on here, and I'm going to find out what."
"Kyle, there's nothing going on here!" whined Cartman, "South Park's the same faggy place it's always been!"
"(No, I think Kyle's right.)" argued Kenny, "(There's way too many gay people for this to be a coincidence anymore.)"
"No! Everything's fine!" argued Cartman, "I'm not going on some crazy adventure to restore the town's heterosexuality! I'm sick of crazy adventures! What do you want Butters?!" he added angrily, for Butters had just meekly come up behind him.
Butters jumped and fiddled with his hands, stammering, "Uh, w-well Eric, I just w-wanted to know if m-maybe you wanted to, uh, come over to my house and..play.."
"Piss off retard, can't you see I'm yelling at my friends?" Cartman shot at Butters. Just then, a wave of dizziness swept over Cartman, causing him to grip his temples. As it passed, he looked to his friends and said, "Actually, know what? Screw you guys, I'm goin' to Butters! Have fun on your stupid adventure." With that he turned, grabbed Butters by the wrist and dragged the befuddled boy off. Kenny and Kyle watched them go.
"Kenny, did you notice that?" Kyle directed to his friend.
"(What, Cartman being a douche?)"
"No, not that." sighed Kyle, "That weird headache he got just before he ran off with Butters. People have been getting those all day long. I think it might have something to do with the gayness problem."
"(..Oh. Well, ok, what're we supposed to do about it?)" Kenny shrugged.
"Let's go look for clues." Kyle replied, "You must know thine enemy before you may conquer him." Kenny stared at him.
Kyle scoffed. "You have to know what you're up against before you take action. Now come on." He trooped off dutifully toward the center of town.
As Kenny followed, he though aloud as something struck him. "(Ha ha. Dude. Cartman, gay. I bet he's halfway up Butters' ass by now.)" Kyle tried not to think about it.