Title: Worst Santa Ever

Rating: M

Author: darkalbino, illi, me (me, myself and I)

Just something that popped in my head randomly this morning, and just in time for Christmas too!

Summary: Worst Santa ever...would have to be Sasuke. Crack-ish, SasuNaruSasu lemon in second chapter.

Warnings: Language, lemon, Sasuke scarring little children - i am NOT joking. He's extremely mean and rude, PLEASE LEAVE IF YOU'RE WEAK ABOUT IT.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the fat man who calls me a hoe and steals my cookies XP


xxxWorst Santa Everxxx

Sasuke blinked twice, his mouth curving into a small smile, "That's funny, I could have sworn you just said I have to be Santa Clause."

Kakashi smiled back at his favorite employee, "Oh no Sasuke, that's not what I said."

Sasuke nodded and turned back to his current task, folding disgusting holiday sweaters and placing them on a shelf in the backroom of a clothes store.

His boss crossed his arms and smiled wider, "I said you have to dress as Santa Clause."

Sasuke paused before letting out a deep chuckle, "Then in that case, I think you're joking. Because, boss, if you're not joking, I am going to tear your balls off and use them as ornaments for the tree in front of the store."

"Bet you're regretting being the only prick not to take the holiday week off, aren't you Sasuke? You're my only employee left to do it."

Sasuke abruptly threw the vomit-green and dark purple sweater in his hands to the floor, shooting a death glare at the older man, "I am not dressing up as Jolly Gay Nick."

"You make a poor case for yourself with that sentence, Sasuke, especially after last week."

Sasuke raised a brow, "What happened last week?"

"That pretty blonde boyfriend of yours that you were fucking against one of my change stalls?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Please. You got more customers coming in that day than any other this whole fucking year."

"To listen to Naruto scream 'harder baby', not to buy my merchandise."

"If I dress up like that cookie stealing bastard it would be suicide on my reputation you asshole. Not to mention free ammo for Naruto to pester me with all the time. I'm not dressing up as that child stalking fucker, no matter how much you pay me to do it."

"Eight hundred dollars."

Sasuke froze.

Kakashi grinned at him, reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of 100 dollar bills, "Up front."

Sasuke stared at the money that his boss waved back and forth tantalizingly, "Okay…say I do it, no one is going to believe I'm Santa Clause."

"Why not?"

"Because the jolly fucking fatass is a jolly fucking fatass."

"So we'll tape the corners of your mouth to your cheeks and stuff the outfit with sweaters, problem solved."

"I don't even like kids!"

"They change every three minutes, and all you have to do is 'ho ho ho' and 'Merry Christmas' and 'what would you like this year' for each one of them."

Sasuke's lip curled. After a few moments of contemplation, he sighed in defeat, "How long do I have to do it for?"

"Five Hours."





"Why the fuck are you going up?! Don't you know how to fucking haggle?!"

Kakashi held up three fingers, "Three hours."

Sasuke growled and flicked his eyes to the money, "Done."

Kakashi smiled and held the cash out. Sasuke snatched it from the man's hand and stuffed it into his pocket, "Sadistic asshole."

Kakashi ruffled the teen's hair, "I love you too."

Two hours later found Sasuke sitting in a large, velvety chair in the middle of the shopping mall, a long line of children waiting to take purchase on the teen's lap.

Personally, Sasuke thought he looked like a shitty and pathetically poor excuse for a Santa Clause. His beard was fluffy white but hung sort of lopsided on his face, the sweaters stuffed into his red coat were uneven and made it look more like he was harboring fugitives than sporting a jiggly, jello-ey belly. His wig of white curls, kept in place by a Santa hat, was practically setting his scalp on fire and sending sweat droplets trickling down to his temples and cheeks. The Santa spectacles kept falling off his thin nose so he had to do without them and the large, red pants could not be tightened enough by the belt to cling to his slim hips, so he had to stay in a certain position to make sure they didn't slide off.

Kakashi had proclaimed that he looked fantastic. Even saying the perspiration was good because it made his cheeks look "rosy."

The bastard was obviously half-blind with that weird red eye of his.

Sasuke let out a grunt as the first victi- I mean…child, jumped onto his lap. He rolled his eyes and placed a hand on the back of the little brunette girl, "What do you want?" he clipped.

The girl frowned at the not so warm greeting, "Well Santa…yesterday I heard a song."

Sasuke raised a brow. Wasn't she supposed to be asking for gifts?

"It said that Mommy was kissing Santa Clause…I wanted to ask you if you were kissing my mommy last night."

Sasuke stared at the girl, mentally noting that he was indeed going to castrate his boss for putting him through this bullshit. "No," he assured, "I wasn't kissing your mommy."

The girl blinked up at him, "Oh…"

Sasuke felt a cruel smirk lay out on his lips, he whispered "I was fucking your daddy while your mommy watched and masturbated to it."

The girl's eyes widened in horror, "Oh!" even though she did not understand half the words in that statement, the tone of Santa's voice scared her enough that she flew off his lap and ran back to her mother in near tears.

Sasuke felt his smirk pull out further. Maybe Kakashi's punishment wouldn't be the removal of his genitals after all. "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" he bellowed.

You little snot brat.

The next child looked confusedly at the girl that had gone before him and climbed into Santa's lap with a tiny smile, "Santa, are you going to fly with Rudolph this year?"

Sasuke patted his stomach, whispering again, "I ate Rudolph this morning. Baked him in the oven and served him to me and my carnivorous elves."

The boy gasped and shot off his lap just as the girl did.


You little monster.

Hey…he was kind of enjoying this.

The next was a girl who stared up at him with large, brown eyes, "Santa, is Mrs. Clause very beautiful?"

"'Mrs. Clause' is a blonde sex bombshell with a penis and a tight, round ass. This morning, I screwed Mrs. Clause on our kitchen table."

The little girl gave him a wide-eyed stare, making Sasuke wonder why she was not running off like the others, "Well?" he questioned irritably.

"Did Mrs. Clause…like that?"

Sasuke flushed brilliantly, "Uh…"


He closed his eyes and grit his teeth, "Get out of here." he ordered.

The girl tilted her head and jumped off, calmly walking back to her parents.

Okay…so that one was an odd ball out.

A boy came next, "I want a fire truck this year!"

"And I want my boyfriend to let me shove a butt plug with a fox tail attached to it in his ass and fuck him with it. If I can't have that, why should I give you a fucking fire truck?"

The child actually did cry before running away.

Ahh, there we go. "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

You spoiled little shit.

Why the hell were there people still lined up for this?

A happy little girl, "Can you get me a dolly this year Santa?"

"Can you get me an AK-47 to shoot the women who stalk me?"

The girl frowned, "N…no…"

"Get the fuck off me then, no doll for you."

Now a sobbing little girl.

A sad little boy, "My puppy just died-"

"Shit happens."

Now a sadder little boy.

Man, Sasuke thought, this day was turning out to be a blast!

Naruto hopped eagerly from one foot to the other, hands clenched before him in excitement as he peeked over the child in front of him to look at Santa, "Oh boy!" he cried, "I'm next!"

"I cannot believe you dragged me to this." Sakura muttered, shielding her face as much as she could in an effort to make it seem like she did not know the blonde moron who was right next to her. "You're seventeen years old Naruto! What the hell are you doing coming to see Santa Clause?! You know he doesn't exi-" a tan hand slapped over her mouth before she could finish her sentence.

Naruto looked frantically around at the children, making sure none of them heard before taking his hand off the girl's mouth, "Sakura! I know he doesn't but the kids don't! Don't say that here!"

Sakura gave a small frown and glanced guiltily at the children around her before turning her attention back to Naruto with a scowl, "Then what on earth are we doing here Naruto?" she demanded.

"Look, all I know is every year, I come sit on that fat dude's lap, tell him what I want, and I wind up getting everything I ask for. So something must be right with-"

"You dumbass!" Sakura hissed quietly, "'That fat dude' is an employee! He probably goes and tells Sasuke everything you want so he can get it for you!"

Naruto smiled, "Really?! What a sweet bastard!"

"Then why can't you just tell Sasuke what you want instead of coming here every year like a child?"

"Nah, I better not. He probably feels good about getting what I want without me even telling him."

"But…" Sakura trailed off in her retort as Naruto spun around after the child before him ran off in sobs. This Santa must be damn good; every kid has leapt away with tears of joy.

Naruto made an excited noise and practically skipped over to Santa Clause.

Sasuke had a large smirk on his face as he watched the latest victim run away, but it fell in an instant when an "oof!" escaped his lips from the next child who dropped on his lap. He snapped his head to the kid to call them a fat tub of lard but froze the second his eyes landed on the person who sat on him.

The word was out before he even had time to process it, "Naruto?" ShitfuckpenisdamnMarycrapasshole! Why the hell didn't he remember that Naruto does this every year?!

The blonde teen, who had an arm slung around the Santa dress up, gave him a curious look as his smile fell slightly, "Hey…how do you know my name?"

"Er…" Sasuke sputtered in a moment of disorientation before coughing and letting out, in the deepest voice he could muster, "HO HO HO!"

Sakura looked up. (1)

"I am Santa Clause young man, I…" Sasuke paused to search for an explanation, "I…checked…my list twice…"

Naruto raised a fine, pale brow and leaned closer to the Santa while squinting his eyes.

Sasuke quickly reared back and lifted his beard higher, "HO HO HO!" he repeated, not allowing the other male to get a good look at his features. Like hell he was going to let Naruto know his hardass party shitter of a boyfriend was dressed up as the fat cherry man. He'd never hear the end of it. "Tell me what you want for Christmas this year." Sasuke stated in a rough, hoarse tone.

Naruto tilted his head and smiled, "Well," he tipped his head back and placed a finger on his chin, "let me think about it for a sec."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Leave it to Naruto to come ask for stuff without even knowing what he wants.

The Uchiha began tapping his fingers against the arm of his chair when suddenly, a loud gasp tore from his throat.

Naruto, in his deep thought process, had unconsciously begun rocking back and forth ever so slowly on Santa's lap, his firm ass sliding over a thinly covered Sasuke penis hidden beneath baggy red pants.


Sasuke's fingernails curled into his palms as "little Sasuke" said, "Hey, I recognize that delicious ass, it swallows me quite often." And slowly started to join the party.

Naruto circled his hips and pushed down, causing Sasuke a sharp intake of breath, "You know…I can't really think of anything that I want this year, I've already got what I want most." He placed his hand back on Sasuke's knee and pushed his bum down harder.

Despite the effects they were having, Naruto's movements were actually pretty inconspicuous to anyone but Sasuke. He grit his teeth to hold back a moan, forcing his hips against the chair to fight down the urge to thrust them upwards.

The idiot better not be doing this shit on all the other Santa laps. Christmas was indeed going to be very red holiday if he was.

"Good friends," Naruto continued, unconcerned with Sasuke's predicament, "a nice home…an awesome boyfriend who's a fucking animal in the sack." He paused and looked at Santa, still rolling his lower half softly, "I don't get a naughty check for saying the f-word, do I?"

Sasuke shook his head rapidly, desperate to get the blonde off…and himself.

Naruto grinned and leaned close to other, "My boyfriend's into some weird kinky shit, maybe I can get something for him instead."

Sasuke bit his lip, trying to ignore the seductive teen on his lap and will away his raging hard-on.

Dead puppies.

…Nothing. He didn't give a shit about puppies.

Naruto chuckled and bounced once on Sasuke's lap, making it seem as though he were adjusting himself. Sasuke groaned softly, bringing a fist to his mouth and biting it, and Naruto pressed on "Maybe you can get him those fuzzy handcuffs he wants so badly."

Nails on a chalkboard…wait, who the hell has chalkboards anymore?

"Or maybe those nipple clamps-"

"Hey! My kid wants to see Santa too, blondie!"

Both Sasuke and Naruto looked back at the screeching woman. Naruto in annoyance and Sasuke in half-murder/death glare and half-grateful beyond all comprehension gaze.

Naruto clicked his tongue and smiled at Santa, "So I'll be looking forward to those. And I hope you enjoyed the lap dance." he moved forward and whispered, "Every new Santa gets one."

"WHAT?!" Sasuke hollered, but was distracted as he quickly covered his erection when the blonde jumped off of him.

Naruto went back to Sakura and waved at Santa before walking off with her.

Sasuke clenched his teeth and growled deep in his throat.


Someone was in for a rough ass pounding tonight…

Sasuke was contemplating fucking the blonde against a hard, scratchy rock later when he realized that there was another child coming towards him…and he was still hard.

'SHIT! Uh- rap music –no- Er- Twilight! Wait no – I haven't even read the damn thing! Uh – two naked girls having sex in a phone booth!'

…Ah, that did it.

The child, around 12 perhaps, with a scarf about his neck and brown hair, hopped on Sasuke's soft lap, beaming up at him, "Santa, I want a girlfriend this year. "

Sasuke's brow slowly crinkled on his forehead, "…"


"…You disgust me." He sort of accidentally-on-purpose shoved the kid off, "Merry fucking Christmas you little hetero horror. Now get out."

The boy welled up with tears and was forever scarred by Santa Clause as he ran back to his father.

Sasuke snorted and looked at his watch.

"Hey" he mumbled, "it's twenty minutes past stop time." With that, he grabbed the hem of his pants and held them up as he stood up from the chair and started back to Kakashi's store.

But a sudden outburst of "Heys" and "what the hells" stopped him in his tracks. He turned back slightly to find fuming parents and teary eyed children.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and turned fully, "What?"

"What about my gifts?" a little girl piped.

"Yeah, and I didn't wait in this line for over an hour to have Santa walk out on my kid!" a father yelled angrily.

"You can't leave yet!" protested a boy.

"Watch me." Sasuke deadpanned, turning back around.

"Santa no!"

"Don't go!"




"SHUT UP!" Sasuke howled, spinning back around and yanking his beard off, "There is no fucking Santa!" He threw his beard on the floor.

A girl's lip trembled, "No…no Santa?"

A collective gasp and parents clamped their hands over their children's ears, "Lies! Don't listen to him children!"

"Yeah! And you know what else? No fucking Easter Bunny either!"

"Why are you so cruel?!" a mother cried.

"I'm not cruel, I'm honest…okay maybe a little cruel, but mostly honest."

"Well you don't have to be so damn honest!" she spat back.

Sasuke shrugged, "Fine. The Tooth Fairy? She's a prostitute that works on Eighth Street for fifty cents a job."


Sasuke smirked and turned back around, walking away as he waved a hand in the air, "HAPPY FRIKIN HOLIDAYS!"


(1) lol, a hoe joke about Sakura, I couldn't help myself, sorry XD

I know! HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE! for the love of god, don't flame me for it, i warned you all.

chapter two does have a lemon, i didn't put it here because...well it didn't really fit into this chapter. I could possibly have it up by Christmas if some readers decide to- ahem -you know, click that pretty little review button as a Christmas Gift to me 9.9