SCENE ONE: In Whish It Beginsh(The credits open. Disturbingly realistic CGI meat goes through a CGI meat grinder. Your dear author, who has always had difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, loses her lunch.)

Author's Mother: Fiona, look! It looks just like hamburger!

Author: (gags) Urk. (vows to convert to veganism)

(A young man is standing on a ship. His name is Anthony, but the h is silent, and Arnold Schwarzennegger would probably refer to him as a "girlie man". He has perfect, shiny hair, and if you are one of his fangirls, you are probably not straight. Just sayin'.)

Anthony: (ignores the fact that the city before him is filthy, gloomy, and depressing, because in Anthony's world everything is rainbows and sunshine 24/7) London, London, it's a wonderful town! The spirits are up and the crime rate is down! Oh look, there's a circus clown!

(Suddenly, Captain Jack Sp - I mean, Sweeney Todd appears. He is wearing gobs of eyeliner and looks slightly...twitchy. Arnold Schwarzennegger could probably pick him up and snap him in half. He has a stripe in his hair that reminds your dear author of the skunk from Bambi, and if you are one of his fangirls, that makes two of us.)

Sweeney: (questions Anthony's sanity) London, London, it's a horrible town! The murder's up and the people all frown! Anthony, have you been overdosing on your Prozac again?

Anthony: Rainbows and butterflies and SPAAAAAAARKLES-

Sweeney: (sighs) There's just no getting through to you, is there?

Anthony: Fairies and sequins and TWINKIIIIESSSS-

Sweeney: Let me tell you a little story to make you question the sparkliness of the world.

Anthony: (giggles) Is it about ponies?

Sweeney: No. Once upon a time, I - I mean, this barber dude, had this totally smokin' wife, right? And he was all up on that every day and every night. I mean, she was beautiful and virtuous and pure and all of that...good stuff. Anyway, this other dude, Judge Turnip - I mean, Turpin, saw her, and was all like, DAMN GIRL YOU SO FINE. So then he had the barber dude shipped off to Australia, where he had to hang out with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman for like a trillion years...

Anthony: (stares in shock) Um. That was very...enlightening. I'm so sorry for your loss. (slowly backs away) Where would I be able to find you, if I had...er...the need?

Sweeney: (also stares in shock, because he can't believe Anthony's hitting on him) Around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder. Now stay the hell away from me!

(Sweeney runs away, flailing wildly and hoping Anthony doesn't follow him.)

Anthony: (smiles) Bye-bye, stranger! I hope we meet again sometime. You're so dreamy... (clasps his hands and sighs)

(The camera jerks itself around London frantically, and gives everyone a headache. Various floozies, harlots, pimps, prostitutes, men of ill repute, reporters visiting from Kazakhstan, and cancan dancers line the streets. Finally, we arrive at something called Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shop. This is obviously owned by Marla Si - I mean, Mrs. Lovett, who has awesome hair and pretty dresses. She also has a sadistic and ruthless streak, but we'll get to that later. She appears to be engaged in a fistfight with a lump of dough. The dough is losing. As soon as Sweeney walks in, she drops what she's doing and becomes extremely manic.)

Mrs. Lovett: OMG CUSTOMER! Okay, sit your ass down, and if you try to leave, I'll duct tape you to your seat. Someone once told me that duct tape fixes everything. Well, not everything - I don't see how it could fix my pies. Cause they suck worse than a vaccuum cleaner when the bag is full. I enjoy puns.

Sweeney: I can tell.

(Mrs. Lovett spots the cockroach from Wall-E lurking in a corner and proceeds to smash it to pieces.)

Mrs. Lovett: No one ever comes in here. Maybe it's the pie, maybe it's the bugs, maybe it's the bugs in the pie, maybe it's the fact that I'm a manic-depressive with dependency issues! What do you think?

(She sets down a pie in front of him. It resembles a brick with crust on it. Sweeney attempts to take a bite and loses a back tooth.)

Sweeney: What do you put in this? My tooth just broke off! I've got half a mind to sue you!

Mrs. Lovett: (gasps in horror) Good God, don't send the Sues back here again! I thought we'd seen the last of 'em! (shudders) They were all so blonde...and perky...and happy...

Sweeney: That's not what I meant. What's a Sue?

Mrs. Lovett: This lady that used to live here. She had a hot husband. You wanna hear the story? It's truly depressing.

(She leads him back to her parlor, which is covered in truly horrible wallpaper and looks like it was decorated by someone's very sentimental grandmother. This is shorthand for "Precious Moments figurines on every available surface". Sweeney throws up in his mouth a little.)

Sweeney: (stares in horror at all the pink and cute) Have you ever heard of a condition called ocular diabetes? I think you just gave it to me.

Mrs. Lovett: Nope. Anyway, the lady who used to live here? With her insanely hot barber husband?

Sweeney: Why are you phrasing everything with an upward inflection?

Mrs. Lovett: Because I talk like a Valley Girl when I tell stories? AAAANYWAY, her gorgeous husband got shipped off to Australia cause he was all up on his wife in public, if you know what I'm sayin', and this Judge Turnip guy, he just couldn't deal, ya know? So then Turnip stood outside her window with a boombox like the guy from the Say Anything movie, although you probably know it as that guy from the Hawthorne Heights video, and she was all "Sure, I'll go to your party!" But then she went to his party and he put some Aquadots in her drink and raped her. Then she "died".


Mrs. Lovett: Like, oh my gawd? You're Benjamin Barker?

Sweeney: It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd. Wait, maybe I should say that in my Sean Connery accent. (picks up a nearby squirt gun and does silly secret agent poses with it) Todd. Schweeney Todd. Much better.

Mrs. Lovett: (stares, drools, and twitches) You're so sexy when you're angry.

Sweeney: I want to drown you in a river of your own blood and then chop up your body into thousands of tiny pieces and feed it to sharks.

(Of course, Mrs. Lovett being Mrs. Lovett, she misinterprets this phrase as "I want to make love to you all night and then cover your body in whipped cream, which I will lick off very slowly.)

Mrs. Lovett: (clasps hands, flutters eyelashes) Oh, Mr. T, that's so romantic! Oh, yeah, and by the way, the Turnip guy took your daughter. He likes to put holes in her wall and look through them while she undresses.

(By now, Sweeney's face looks like this: O___o)

Sweeney: Oh...god...can't...take...any...more...bad news today...homicidal...urges...building...

Mrs. Lovett: Don't worry, everything's going to be okay! I have a surprise for you. Follow me.

(She leads him outside and up the stairs to the abandoned barbershop. They go into the room, which hasn't been cleaned in fifteen years, so everything is practically buried in dust. Sweeney finds Johanna's old doll, which is supposed to be some kind of fancy metaphor for how much he loves and misses his family, but to him it just looks really freakin' creepy. Mrs. Lovett lifts up a floorboard to reveal...)


Sweeney: (squeals in delight) MY SHINIES! (grabs box and hugs it to his chest)

Mrs. Lovett: (wants a hug, but is too polite to say anything, preferring to molest him with her eyes)

Sweeney: These are my friends -

(Somewhere in America, John McCain is watching the movie and adapts the "my friends" line for overuse in his speeches. Quoting a serial killer is generally a good way to ensure losing an election.)

Sweeney: - this one's Johanna, this one's Lucy, this one's Billy Bob Joe...named after my uncle. He died in a tragic shovel incident. We generally don't mention it.

Mrs. Lovett: Why don't you pay attention to me instead of your stupid razors?

Sweeney: Because you're not shiny and pretty and sharp.

Mrs. Lovett: (angrily) I AM TOO!

Sweeney: ARE NOT!

Mrs. Lovett: ARE TOO!

Sweeney: DEE TWO!

Mrs. Lovett: (sulks) Fiiiiine. You win. For now...

(She stomps out of the room. Sweeney straightens up and holds his razor in the air, reminding your dear author a little too much of another Johnny Depp character with large, sharp appendages.)

Sweeney: (still doing Sean Connery accent) At lasht, my arm ish complete again!

Mrs. Lovett: (from downstairs) STOP YELLING! I'M DOING PILATES!


Will Mrs. Lovett ever win Sweeney over? (We know the answer to this one.) Why does she talk like a Valley Girl? (We may never know the answer to this one.) If you review, will your dear author give you all gummy worms, meat pies, and Arizona Iced Tea? (YES!) Find out the answers to all your most burning questions in the next installment of SPOOFY TODD!